Not much Support from BF (Long)

HI again.  Well I know I have complained on here before, but I just wanted to write to feel a little better.   The BF and I got into it a little bit last night and the conversation shows me he really does not support this surgery.  I have decided this month before surgery I am going to start cutting out some carbs, sugar and soda.  Well he is a Chef and does all the cooking in the house, which I REALLY appreciate.  But when I mention how my diet is going to change he gets very upset.  He loves carbs, he is Italian and lives on Pasta. So last night he asked me what I wanted for dinner tonight and I said...some kind of protien and veggie and low carbs.  So he says...You know this isnt going to work for me, this is not going to be good"   I'm not cooking 2 meals.  I said you dont have too, if you want the carbs cook them I dont have to eat them.  And then he just got all upset.  I said Well, this is something I have to do....and then of course got the " NO, this isnt something you have to do, its something you WANT to do"  I was like...I'M TRYING TO GET HEALTHY and LOSE WEIGHT.  He acts like I'm doing something awful.   I understand that he loves to cook and all his self esteem comes from me complimenting him on his cooking and if I cant eat all the things he makes, he wont have his esteem built up.  But you know what....THATS NOT MY JOB IN LIFE!  So we went round and round and he was like fine..I'll cook my food and you can make your own dinner.  FINE  Then he said...I just feel like you havent done everything you should to lose weight before you resorted to this surgery.

OHHHH NOOO...I got very upset with him and tried to explain how it has been for me, my whole life and that I actually dont have to defend my decision to you.  But I did and he was like....ok ok...fine.  But then he stomped upstairs.  And we didnt say 2 words to each the rest of the night. 
Now I feel so damed guilty for wanting this surgery.  And he already has said if I lose a 100 pounds I will be too skinny for him and he wont want me.  GREAT.    

I really wish I was doing this surgery alone sometimes, so I didnt have to deal with him and all the comments that I know are coming.  "Well you did this to yourself, this was your choice"  if I get sick or something goes wrong.  But I'm stuck in this situation until I can find some resolution, but it just gives me extra to worry about when I'm worried enough about the surgery.

UGH 
Thanks for "listening"!

Marlo, I'm really sorry to hear that the one person you want and need to be totally 100% supportive isn't because it makes life very difficult for everyone concerned. You do need to figure out how to deal with him and his food issues before you have the surgery, though, or he could undermine all of your surgery and best efforts by laying the big guilt trip on you.

My mother lives with my hubby and I and also does all the cooking - she's Pennsylvania Dutch - you know - potatoes, pot pies, starches - everything heavy. Now that I'm eating more and doing better with my eating she's thrilled to death and I catch her trying to feed me more than I need or want, and I constantly have to remind her that I'm a grown woman and that I am doing what I need to do to become healthy. Sometimes she gets it - sometimes not. And she doesn't have a weight problem so that makes it even harder, even tho all of my siblings do.

I've started to do the grocery shopping for the house on a weekly basis now, and I'm really avoiding the pasta and potato aisles. Last night I volunteered to make dinner and grilled some filet mignons and made up a huge pan of fresh veggies that I sprinkled with some olive oil, seasonings and put on the grill - right in the pan, covered, and let them steam. She raved about it but its something that she would never try herself. So that's giving me incentive to start making other things that are healthier for all of us and taste good.

When she does cook I just avoid the potatoes and starches. If your BF insists on cooking pasta ask him to at least try Dreamfields Pastas - they have several different types from spaghetti to penne and elbow maccaroni, etc. Its very low in carbs and if you have to have it its better to go for something like that.

One thing you and your BF HAVE to understand right up front is that you will not be able to tolerate pasta for at least 4-5 months out from surgery, so you can't let him guilt you into eating something that could be very harmful to your pouch or cause you to have foamies (not fun).

I hope he comes around on this for you - my husband is a wonderful supporter so he balances out my mother's nagging about me not eating enough!

And you know what? After you lose 100 pounds maybe you won't want him anymore! You'll find yourself lean and mean and getting lots of attention from men (maybe that's what he's afraid of?).

Kathy

oh Marlo, how awful that you are dealing with that.  i dont know what to suggest other than you stay strong in your decision to make a better life for yourself.

you will definitely need support thoughout the pre-op and post-op, so i would suggest you two get working on that....pronto. communication will be key in working through it.  maybe he is feeling threatened? how is his health/weight? maybe its a reminder to him that he needs to do something too.

i remember when i was getting ready for surgery my dad went on a big "diet". yeah, well that didint last long...in fact he is have corrided artery surgery this week to clear a 90% blockage.  mind you this is a few years after his triple bypass at age 56.

unfortuanetly, some people find it difficult to provide support if they have their own insecurities.  i've learned to avoid them/the topic, but unfortunately you will be living with him and it will be much more difficult.

in the meantime, id suggest just continuing what you did as far as letting him know he doesnt have to change his routine and will not have to accomodate you. maybe he feels like thats what you are going to spring on him next and he's putting up his defense.

hang in there and always remember...you come first....always put yourself first.

I am sorry he is not more supportive. But in reality this is YOUR surgery and you will have to take responsibility for your food choices and preparations after you have this surgery. He will not change his habits nor should he really have to. This is your decision. It is easy to let him cook and such but a crucial part of this process is getting involved with your food. You plan your food, You cook your food, you count it and weigh it. If you are not directly involved then you dont have as much responsibility and therefore you are missing a step. I hope that eventually he will come around but maybe this is a good thing for you. So you will get involved with your meal planning and preparations.

As one of the men on here, (there aren't many of us) I felt compelled to write.

If you had kidney stones, you could try to pass them yourself, or go the dr and have them take care of it. Obviously, the doctor is where most people will end up.

Obesity is a disease. And even if you don't agree, it causes other diseases, like sleep apnea, and heart attacks, etc.  Not seeing a doctor is a decision a lot of people make, but seeing one is a good decision.

It's about taking charge of your life.  The surgery is not a solution; it's a tool. It's also not easy. You have to say no to a lot of things that before the surgery you would not think twice about. I think I could kill for a slice of pizza, but know I can't have it.

In the end, you have to do it for you, and the ones who love you. The ones who love you will get to spend a lot more time with you, and you will more energy and desire to be around them.

He might not get it, but I think he will be happy after you do it. When you decide to go buy more lingerie, because you feel sexier, he won't mind. I haven't minded that my wife is spending a fortune on clothes. 

Not trying to be pessimistic, but maybe if he can't be supportive, he isn't the right one for you. I am sure he sees cooking as his niche, and you are going to mess that up for him. he might feel that he is no longer needed, and therefore is anti-surgery.

In the end, you have a lot of decisions to make, but all of us agree it was the right one for each and everyone of us.

I fix pasta all the time... do I eat it nope... but Jeremy and Lorelei do... why can't he do the same... cook the pasta for him, but you just eat the same meat and veggies... if he can't make this simple change for you... I don't think he is going to be a very good support person for ya after surgery... and you will need that...

Now if he was my BF/hubby and he said that... I would of smacked him upside the head and tell him to suck it up... but then again... when I'm hungry... I'm mean lol...

OHHH you could do this... every time he acts like this... no lovin for him... again... I can be a stinker lol...

I hope you can work things out and you know you can always vent away here... but hang in there... but you might need to cut him free... so you can be a healthier you...

Of course, if he's that great a Chef  he can figure out how to tweak all his recipes to fit your new lifestyle just like the rest of us have had to do....any South Beach Phase I recipe will work.  Most diabetic cookbooks are closer to our guidelines, Cooking Light is good; and here's one...http://www.marlenekoch.com/  (375 Splenda recipes, LOVE IT)   Buy him a couple and tell him to start converting and when you are 4+ months out you are all his again.  (Jus****ch your portions; even too much of a good thing is not a good thing!)  Tell him you want him healthier too for all the action you two will be getting up too in the next six months....    

Marlo,
I am sorry you are going through this at this point in your journey.  You are going to have to take some action in your journey that may not be comfortable, but in the end is in your best interest.  Standing up for your decision to have this surgery, come Hell or high water, is the best thing you can do.  Never doubt your choice, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking care of your health. 

My former husband once told me to lose weight or he would leave me.  At that point in my emotional health, I was not capable of handling being alone.  I went into therapy, and started working on my eating disordered behaviors.  Unfortunately, I gained for a lot of complex reasons, but eventually, I was able to handle when he finally did make the decision to leave me.  That was seven years ago.

We are here for you.  Vent, cry, whatever you need.  I live alone and have used these boards for a good majority of my support.

Hugs,
Trish

I though Jackie J's reply hit the nail on the head.

I'm having some trouble convincing my husband that I am serious about getting healthy. I'm just getting started and it's not easy.

He still brings home "naughty" foods and leaves them lying around so I have to see them and be tempted. I had asked him to hide things like cookies and chips so that I wouldn't see it. You know, Mind over Matter.

I think the cookbook idea is great. I just ordered one that is supposed to be good pre-op thru post-op and is "family friendly" so we don't have to have 2 different meals.

Good Luck!

Marlo,

You can vent here any time.  It sucks that you are going through this - on one level.  On the other level - between the two fights you've already have - I think you understand where his true feelings are.

Now - the cooking.  Granted, I do most of the cooking in my house.  Although supportive of my decisions, my husband is a very finicky eater.  Mostly carbs and meat.  Very little fruit, almost no veggies and mostly high in fat.  I still make him meals that he enjoys that I cannot necessarily eat.  I will make mashed potatoes and stuff - and maybe even have a spoonful - but I always do my protein first and veggies second and that stuff just as a treat.  There's also always a supply of stupid things like digonio pizza's and what not in the freezer for him (like I said, he doesn't cook) for the nights that I don't cook dinner, he has his "heat and eat" stuff as we call it. 

The surgery is a great TOOL but that's all it is.   I do find that tool has helped me learn more self control than I've ever had and able to look at junk food and not want it on a daily basis (emotional eating is still a huge problem for me, but I'm working on it)

Maybe when he asks what you want for dinner, be more specific in food choices instead of just outlining your eating plan?  Maybe like "oooh, some grilled chicken with spices or a marinade would be just what I want tonight" and that way he feels like he is cooking something you "Want" not what you "have" to have.  Also if he makes pasta fine, don't remind him you can't have it - just don't put it on your plate, eat your fill, and if he brings it up you can something like "Well I ate so much of that great steak you made me, I just don't have the room"  It's really not a lie.  My hubby's ego occassionally requires some "stroking" and building up - and it's harmless in my opinion to do so on occassion.  HOWEVER - if his ego depends SOLEY on you - or yours on his - then that is not a healthy relationship in many aspects.  Of course, you already know this and have been down this road on a multitude of times.

I wish you well on this difficult journey - both yours with your weight and the journey with the bf.  Obviously - there's work to be done in all corners.

Pam