Failing and getting honest about it

I am four weeks from my 2 year follow-up appointment with Dr. Marymor, and I am feeling like such a freaking failure lately.  First, I was not able to stay with the 5 day pouch test for more than half a day yesterday, so I gave up on that for now.  Let me back track a bit here.

I was doing fantastically with my recovery/weight loss until December.  Right before my hernia surgery, I had a relapse with my alcoholism, and I also started eating sugar, in spite of the dumping syndrome.  I put on 20 of the pounds that I had lost, and have held onto those 20 ever since.  The drinking was sporadic, but I finally stopped it and am now back to my AA meetings with regularity.  The sugar is now my nemesis.  I no longer eat the quantity that will make me dump, but I still nibble at it, like a junkie needing a fix. 

Since my surgery in December, I have experienced some really tough life traumas.  My brother died suddenly in February.  This is the second sudden death of a brother since my surgery two years ago.  Then, a month after that, I wrecked my car coming home from Michigan.  A month later, I was brought up on disciplinary action at work.  So, the sugar fixes have been stress-eating situations. 

I am in therapy, and there I am learning relaxation techniques to help me through those life situations that suck.  I just hate that I am where I am right now, because I have my 2 year appointment at the end of August, and I am far from goal weight given my behavior of the last 7 months. 

So, part of me is tempted to reschedule it for later, so I can play catch up with the scale.  Part of me is tempted to just cancel it and not go at all.  I am really embarassed and ashamed right now.  I have trouble getting to the weeknight support group meetings at Barix because I hold two jobs, and have a lot of obligations during the week after work. 

I read about all the successes, and rarely see gut level honesty about failure on the forum.  So, I thought I would put myself out there for some butt-kicking and let you know where I am at.

Hugs,
Trish

Trish *hugs* that was very brave of you to put yourself out there! You have taken the VERY HARDEST first step now, just make sure you take the next ones! You have realized what the problem is and now we have to correct it!

Next Saturday I am having a support group meeting at my house, you are more then welcome to come, it is at noon. MY address is 65 Raubsville Road, Easton PA 18042. I would guess that it is about 1hr 15 min from Barix or there about (haven't actually done the drive yet)

I would suggest keeping your appointment for your 2 year follow up. IT is still important to get your bloodwork etc checked out. Be honest with them too - it won't be the first time they have heard it and might have some tips to help you get back on track!

YOu have had a crazy 2008, lets do a 180 and make the last half great! If you need anything I am here! YOU CAN DO THIS!

Liz

Thanks Liz,
I would attend your support group on the 9th, BUT, I plan to go to Michigan that day.  I need a munchkin fix, and that is where she lives.  Actually, that week following is the only time I will have to take such a trip to visit my daughter and her family out there. 

I plan to get my bloodwork done next week when I am not working such a crazy schedule.  I also have no intention of actually cancelling the appointment with Dr. Marymor because I am a teacher, and school starts the following week.  It is not easy to take time off for an appointment at Barix, and would make no sense to not make the appointment during the summer.

I am so glad I was honest.  I went to my AA meeting this morning and got my 60 coin, as I have 60 days of sobriety today.  I also have not eaten any sugar, so far, and have no plans to either.

Thanks again,
Hugs,
Trish

Trish -

First of all thank you for being honest. This journey is such a roller coaster ride and if I had all the time in the world I would be putting it down on paper more often. I am only a
little over 3 1/2 months out and sometimes I have those back tracking feelings.
BUT YOU CAN GO ON FROM HERE AND MAKE EVERY CHOICE A FRESH ONE. Without you even knowing it you were one of my personal inspirations for going thorugh with surgery. When I first began talking about surgery at work I heard of your success from Pat and Sheri. I have never shared that with you but I thought you should know, and everyone else too!!!! I think you should keep your appointment and take the advice of the dr. and the NUT. Whatever you do, don't give up, we are here for each other. I hope you have a good day today.

Katie

Oh Katie,
I had no idea that Pat and Sheri bragged on me like that.  I am flattered that you were inspired by my early success.  I have to remember that this weight loss journey is no different than my walk with the Lord.  I sometimes fall down, and He lifts me back up.

Thanks for the encouragement.  I have no intention of giving up.  I just know I cannot do this alone and need to ask for help when I need it.
Hugs,
Trish

Hi Trish - Sending big hugs your way, for all you've been through, and for being able to open up and get this off your chest. That had to be a huge relief in itself, and sort of a cleansing. Life has given you many, many challenges lately and all things considered you are handling them better than most. You're human - we all are - and we all falter and fail from time to time, but getting back to your AA meetings and acknowledging the problems you're having with sugar and food is a major step in the right direction.

I do agree that you should keep your 2 year follow up - it might just be the incentive you need to get your health back on track - trust me, I'm sure you're not the first person they've seen who has fallen behind and needs to be picked back up. The doctor may have some advice for you to help you back on track to your healthy life.

We all falter and fail - probably don't post those as much as the wow moments because let's face it, its much more fun to post a wow moment than a down moment. But we're all here to support each other.

I think you've kicked yourself in the butt enough that you don't need us doing it for you -- you recognize where you're having trouble, now you have to learn how to deal with it. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed - recognizing where you're struggling and taking positive steps to improve it is nothing to be ashamed about.

Much love and hugs to you -- Kathy

Thanks Kathy,
The good news is, my therapist has taught me some great relaxation exercise stuff, and I am motivated to use it on a regular basis so I can better deal with the curve balls and junk that life will continue to throw at me, without sugar. 

You are right, it is much more fun to post the Wow moments and good news, and I am definitely reluctant to be honest and ask for help. 

Thanks again.

Hugs,
Trish

Trish:
No butt kicking from me.  I think I will leave that up to Norm!!!!

Anyway, as you know, this is probably spiritual warfare.  He never said our walk with him would be easy and in your case it surely has not been lately. 

You are making yourself accountable for the things that have gone wrong in your life and that is most important.  Go to the doctors as that will also make you accountable.  You can do this, you already have once so this will be a piece of cake this time. 

Remember addictions are always under the surface ready to show up again whether we want them to or not.  I am a food addict and must constantly be on guard or I will unconsciously begin to eat the things I know are off limits.  We are stronger then our addictions and will overcome them. 

We are all here for you whenever you need us.  Don't hesitate to reach out.  By the way, I am so proud of you for all you have been accomplishing.  You are still my hero.  Much luv,
Linda

Linda,
Thanks for the encouragement.  After this last food/alcohol relapse, I am more than well aware of the insidiousness of any and all addictions.  With the alcohol, I can avoid it very easily in my day to day living.  The food is always in front of me, and I have often not been grounded spiritually to do battle with it. 

Thanks for the hugs,
Trish

Trish,

I applaud your honesty.

You are not FAILING.  Rather - you had a momentary lapse of successing and are now on the right path.  The honesty is the first part - actually - the honesty with US is the SECOND part as first you had to fully admit this to yourself.  We can fool ourselves just as we can fool anybody else we choose.  In fact, many times, fooling ourselves is much easier than admitting our issues to ourselves.

I am glad to see in your responses to others that you do not intend to cancel your 2 year follow up appointment.  This will hopefully be something that will help you get back on track.  Whomever said it before - I have no doubt that they have most certainly dealt with this before - and will be able to advise you.  Norm got back on track after 60 pounds - and you can do the same for 20 pounds. 

Congrats on your 60 days sober - that's a huge accomplishment right now.

And remember - although you may not be where you "should" or wanted to be - you are MUCH further along than you were 2 years ago.

Lots of hugs and thoughts and prayers and know we are here for the bad, that's probably more important than the good most times.

732-495-3969 is home and 732-904-8179 is my cell.

Pam