Taking a step back
Well this is probably the hardest post I've written in awhile.....
As some of you know although not many - hubby went through a really rough period the past few weeks - combination of his parents being sick, me being sick, him unable to get a job, financial issues - you name it - we got hit with it. And it took its toll on poor hubby's sanity. He has suffered mild depression before - but this was different.
First off - I want to say he is much much MUCH better now and seems to be getting back to his old self thank goodness as I was worried for him.
During this time, I had emailed close friends of ours. He was going to their house this past Saturday and I asked if they could possibly get him to open up to them- as he wasn't talking to me about anything.....so they did
One of the friends emailed me back. She said some things I already knew about certain things that had happened (like the illnesses and stuff) And then she said something that really struck me. She said that he mentioned he felt "lonely" and not part of MY life - which is funny - because I had told her to talk to him because I felt the same way. He said he was so very proud of me for the weight loss - but he was concerned I was focused more on MY life than OUR life. Of course, OH came up in that conversation, as did the multiple trips to pa I (and we) have been making - the past 6 weeks especially with all the group activities, meetings, appointments at barix, etc.
I feel it's a catch 22 as when I'm NOT online he is in his game room ignoring life in general. So even when I do try to spend time with him I get "I'm on a hard level right now" and no other answers. Apparantly, he is doing this because he feels I'm "not around" and in all honesty - when he's playing his games - I come here because I feel he's not around.
Obviously - we have some work to do. I'm not saying he's not supportive nor am I saying I'm doing this only to please him.
Therefore - for the next few days I won't be online. I figure one of us has to be the one to break the cycle - and considering he doesn't know I had our friends spying on him, and I'm not supposed to know any of this - it better be me.
I'll be going cold turkey (is there an internet patch??) for a week and go from there.
Please know I'm ok and I love you all very much - and will definately be in touch.
And seriously - you are all great friends - and if something I need to know about happens - please don't hesitate to call me. 732-904-8179 is my cell. I'm not giving up friends - just trying to get one back!
Pam
As some of you know although not many - hubby went through a really rough period the past few weeks - combination of his parents being sick, me being sick, him unable to get a job, financial issues - you name it - we got hit with it. And it took its toll on poor hubby's sanity. He has suffered mild depression before - but this was different.
First off - I want to say he is much much MUCH better now and seems to be getting back to his old self thank goodness as I was worried for him.
During this time, I had emailed close friends of ours. He was going to their house this past Saturday and I asked if they could possibly get him to open up to them- as he wasn't talking to me about anything.....so they did
One of the friends emailed me back. She said some things I already knew about certain things that had happened (like the illnesses and stuff) And then she said something that really struck me. She said that he mentioned he felt "lonely" and not part of MY life - which is funny - because I had told her to talk to him because I felt the same way. He said he was so very proud of me for the weight loss - but he was concerned I was focused more on MY life than OUR life. Of course, OH came up in that conversation, as did the multiple trips to pa I (and we) have been making - the past 6 weeks especially with all the group activities, meetings, appointments at barix, etc.
I feel it's a catch 22 as when I'm NOT online he is in his game room ignoring life in general. So even when I do try to spend time with him I get "I'm on a hard level right now" and no other answers. Apparantly, he is doing this because he feels I'm "not around" and in all honesty - when he's playing his games - I come here because I feel he's not around.
Obviously - we have some work to do. I'm not saying he's not supportive nor am I saying I'm doing this only to please him.
Therefore - for the next few days I won't be online. I figure one of us has to be the one to break the cycle - and considering he doesn't know I had our friends spying on him, and I'm not supposed to know any of this - it better be me.
I'll be going cold turkey (is there an internet patch??) for a week and go from there.
Please know I'm ok and I love you all very much - and will definately be in touch.
And seriously - you are all great friends - and if something I need to know about happens - please don't hesitate to call me. 732-904-8179 is my cell. I'm not giving up friends - just trying to get one back!
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
Pam
You will be missed on OH, but I hope that you and Brian do work things out. Many times in life we have to evaluate our priorities and re-focus our energy. This surgery is a life altering experience which requires us to be very self centered while we heal. Our loved ones may feel threatened and somewhat insecure as we find our way among normal size people. You have worked so hard to get where you are and have helped so many of us with all of your posts. I have confidence that you will be able to find the right balance so that you both will be happy.
Arlene
You will be missed on OH, but I hope that you and Brian do work things out. Many times in life we have to evaluate our priorities and re-focus our energy. This surgery is a life altering experience which requires us to be very self centered while we heal. Our loved ones may feel threatened and somewhat insecure as we find our way among normal size people. You have worked so hard to get where you are and have helped so many of us with all of your posts. I have confidence that you will be able to find the right balance so that you both will be happy.
Arlene
PAm - We'll miss you but you are doing what you need to do. I don't know how long you have been married, but Chris and I are married 3 years now, together 6 and when I had my surgery I thought that divorce was imminent (That was 1-1/2 years ago now). Believe it or not I was having the SAME issues, he wouldn't talk to me and I felt like I was in life alone. Luckily I have a wonderful family to turn to but it still didn't fill that void. Infact... Chris never even came to see me while I was at Barix. If you need a shoulder don't hesitate to call 610-462-1204 is my cell and I am up all sorts of wierd hours (I leave my house at 5:15 and drive for an hour and am out of work around 4 driving for another hour).
Good Luck sweetie - we'll miss you!
Liz
Good Luck sweetie - we'll miss you!
Liz
Hi Pam - Really sorry to hear you're going thru this right now, but you know we all support you 100% and want things to work out for you - I hope hubby sees and takes notice of your efforts to be part of his life and make him part of yours. I've had some friends tell me similar things about my husband because he's 19 years older than me and already feeling some insecurities over my weight loss. But it is hard, because we do have to be so focused on ourselves for at least the first year to get our heads wrapped around what we've done and accept the changes in ourselves and our new bodies. So while you're working to make things work, please don't forget what Pam has gone through to be a happier, healthier person for yourself and your marriage. We'll miss you - come back when you can. Kathy
'One shoe can change your life'...Cinderella
Oh, Pam, I hate to see anyone go through marital issues, as I have been through the worst of them. And that came 3 weeks before surgery when my husband told me he was leaving. We have worked through all those issues and I am so glad. He now sees what I was trying to tell him when we were apart that our life would change and it was going to change for the better. If we could work out our issues -- which were major issues going on for years, some I was oblivious to, others not so much -- anyone can work out theirs. Just stay strong and be there for him and make sure that he is there for you. Make time to do things together and spend quality time together. And communicate, communicate, communicate. That's sooooooooooo important. Both of you cannot be mind readers, so you need to communicate and tell each other how you each are feeling. I wish only the best for you during this time and hope that all works out for you guys. Take care and I can't wait for you to come back!!
Karen 
Dear Pam,
You will definitely be missed, but you are definitely doing the right thing in putting your marriage first. I will pray for you and Brian.
Love,
Trish
You will definitely be missed, but you are definitely doing the right thing in putting your marriage first. I will pray for you and Brian.
Love,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
Hi Pam - Like the others sorry to hear about all that Brian (AND YOU) are experiencing. This journey has many fascets. It's good that you recognize the places for improvement. Less internet time is a great start. Another place would be to maybe find the common ground in 'two-player' activities. You mentioned his games. Gaming is a big part of alot of people's lives - and they arent all bad. For me - I have 4 teenagers - 3 boys and my daughter. All of my kids love gaming - and in fact my oldest son will be going to university for gaming programming next summer. I was afraid of 'loosing' touch with them as they began to grow into teenagers - so I got involved with them. Im not the greatest player - but try to jump in when I can. I also have encouraged the interactive games - like Wii (Wii fit is awesome and 2 player), DDR (Dance Dance Revolution), Guitar Hero and Rock Band. With these types of games - you can play together - interact and find common ground. I like to think that Im closer to my teenagers because of this - not to say that Brian isnt a teen - but if this is one of his hobbies - why not try. I wish both of you all the luck and happiness that you deserve. Im certain that you guys are strong enough to find your way back as best friends.
Kim Z
Kim Z
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