Confessions of a food addict

Well - it seems like a lot of people are struggling this time of year.  Just wanted to add to the stories.  I did make mention of this in a few other posts, but wanted to start a new one.  This isn't necessarily for advice - because as you will see - I understand what I did and why.  It's not for a "poor me" post either - it's simply to have people acknowledge they are not alone. OK....so the past few days have been rough.  I saw my brother Saturday night - and as many of you know - he has struggled with his own addictions (heroin and alcohol) before.  I cannot say for sure, but I am fairly certain he is using again.  He also continues to not hold down a job, is angry at the world most of the time, and is just generally unpleasant.  I saw my family again on Monday evening - and suffice to say - there's more trouble than I thought going on.  It broke my heart to no end. We are also having problems with Brian's parents as always. So as upset and "angry" as I was with my brother - I was more upset with myself.  I do understand I can't fix his problems - and that only he can find his path - and we can only line the path with support when he is ready for it.  Unfortunately - with that comes a 'breaking point' for families or a tough love attitude.  We cannot allow his actions to hurt us.  And the "power" he has over us is amazing.  And I hate feeling like I am out of control of a situation. That brings us to seaside heights yesterday -where hubby and I went to help me cool off (emotionally), and get some sea air to help me with this allergy/bronchitis thing going on. It's also where I took three spoonfuls of hubby's creamsicle non sugar free full of fat custard.  And was fairly upset I didn't get sick. It's also when we drove to the diner last night for a late dinner and little miss thang over here decided a bacon cheeseburger with fries was a fabulous idea.  I swear, hubby almost fell out of the booth. Now - granted - compared to the "old" me - 1/4 of the burger, no bun, only 1 (out of three) strips of bacon, and probably about 10 french fries is nothing.  However - it is a HUGE something for the new me.  And yes, I felt queasy afterwards from the grease.  And yes - this morning the scale is up one pound and I am retaining water in my hands and ankles from the fries (which of course I salted)  I'm not saying "well, it was only a little bit and that's ok" because for me, a little bit is NOT ok.  The hilarious part of all of this is that here I was consoling my emotions over my addicted brother by using my addiction to help that.  I use food to feel better - he uses heroin.  One is a legal addiction the other is not. So - this continues to be a struggle for many of us.  I am better today.  I have my menu planned, my food packed, am sipping on crystal lite and in all honesty not feeling bad for myself.  Feeling bad and lamenting over my poor decisions will only further lead to a downward spiral and I will not allow that to happen.  An hour of indisgretion (sp?) does not erase 8 mos of hard work and a lifetime ahead of hard work. OK.....I'm not sure where this post went....I didn't quite expect to vent the way it came out. Seems we're all a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment - but we can be crazy together I guess and get the support that this group is wonderful for. Enjoy the weather! We should all walk today and get away from the food! Pam

I hear you completely.  One thing came to my mind though when I read your post.  You ate to cope with uncomfortable emotions.  You recognized that, and you have a plan for today so you do not overeat or use food to cope.  So, what ARE you doing to cope?  How WILL you deal with the pain of having an addicted brother.  I think that's the next step to consider.

I often ask myself, "What am I feeding?"  It's never hunger.  Once I identify it:  frustration, irritation, anger, sadness, fear -- then I have to find a way to deal with either the emotion or the underlying problem.  Easier said than done, but I'm learning. 

So, we're not using food to cope.  I refuse to use alchol, although I love the way it makes me feel.  What do you use?

Here are some of mine.  Maybe others will share their new coping skills.

Prayer; journaling; talking to a trusted friend; sex; hot bath.  If it's something that needs to be addressed, I try to do that, but I need work in the area of relationships and confrontation.

 

Although I do not exercise like Jen to relieve stress, I do find myself generally going out for walks/jogs to help get away and clear my head.  Unfortunately, that isn't a big option right now due to the allergies/bronchitis thing.  That was the whole point of going to seaside. I did ultimately end up talking out my problems with my husband.  He has dealt with addiction with his mother (we both have, actually) so he understands where I'm coming from and understood my emotional turmoil. Thanks! Pam

Hi Pam.   I am sorry you continue to have to deal with your brother's addiction.  Saying it is a difficult situation is an understatement.  I hope everything works out for him. I just want to say thanks for sharing your struggles.  I for one have also gone through it.  However, I look at it a little differently.  I had WLS surgery to save my life.  I will always remember where I came from and hopefully will never go back.  However, I still have to live and enjoy my life.  A very large part of that enjoyment involves food.  For the most part, I follow all the rules.  But sometimes, and especially now that the summer season is here and I am in Wildwood every weekend, there are times that I am finding myself grabbing one or two Curley's fries, or having a half of a piece of pizza, or maybe one or two bites of my husband's sugar-free ice cream.  Do I feel guilty...hell no.  I look at it is a little treat, and then back on the bandwagon I go the next day.  Now, maybe it means losing weight a little slower, but you know what....I'm okay with that.  Yes, I am loving the new me, but I also want to enjoy my life without having to say "NO" to every temptation.  Thankfully, my tool will only allow very small indulgences, a very far cry from where I was this time last year.  I don't beat myself up over those few fries....instead I walk just a little further on the boardwalk to burn them up.  I'm not saying that this works for everyone...but it does seem to be working for me.  When winter comes, I will settle back into a more regimented routine, but for now, I am enjoying myself, and loving every minute of it.    I guess what I'm trying to say is we need to stop being so hard on ourselves...forgive our little indiscretions, enjoy life, and move on.  And when things get really tough, we know we have each other to look to for support and guidance.   Have a great day!

MOST of the time I have the same feelings you do.  I generally eat healthy and allow myself things like sugar free ice and to live a balanced life.  I think totally banning foods is setting myself up for failure.  I think the biggest issue I had last night was not necessarily the food choices, but recognizing WHY I was making those choices.  It was purely an emotional choice, which had little or nothing to do with living a 'balanced' life.  And yes - I am hard on myself.  Partly because I continue to be scared and remember where I came from and don't want to slide down that path.  Do I think I will?  In all reality - no - because I remember where I came from and continue to reach out for support.  But the fact I understand I CAN go back there is where the harshness comes in to play. I do enjoy my new life oh so very much. Thanks Eilleen Pam

After re-reading my reply I realized I really didn't touch on what  your post was really all about...sorry about that.  I just want to add that emotional eating and addiction go hand-in-hand.  We all have demons to fight.  That includes your brother.  Drug addiction is extremely harmful to our bodies.  But that doesn't mean we can or should put that addiction in front of our own.  Your brother is an adult and must account for his own actions.  Sometimes we have to put ourselves first.  I know this is hard to hear, but you cannot be responsible for him.  You need to pay attention to you right now.  This is your time.  You are fighting your demons....he needs to fight his own.   I've been through addiction with my dad, and it's not easy.  Al-Anon was extremely helpful to me and my family.  Maybe one or two meetings would help.  In any event, we are here for you.

Hey Eileen, Your original response was fine as well.... And everything you have said about my demons and my issue with my brother is all so very true.  I actually told Brian the other night that I am taking a step back from him - I need to concentrate on me and not allow him to bring me down.  It's a big step for me  - I constatly try to "save" everyone...and this is something I can't save him from and need to save myself. Thanks for always being there Pam

Seems a lot of us are going thru a funk of some kind right now. But we have each other and that's what keeps us going. Have you ever gone to an Al-Anon meeting Pam? Or some type of support group that would help you learn how to cope with your brother's addiction? One of my friends has a son in jail right now due to DUI's and she has gone to Al-Anon - took her several tries to find a group she was comfortable with but says its helping her a lot. Addictions run rampant among families - I have a brother who is an alcoholic, a niece who is a recovering heroin addict and a nephew who is addicted to booze and pot. I don't live close to any of them so its not something I have to deal with on a daily basis and I refuse to let it affect me anymore - I have my own addictions (food) to work thru. But I hope you can find some comfort in dealing with your brother's problems, because they are his, not yours. And you are going to be okay in the food department - we all are - we just have to keep coming here for support and to our local support meetings - it makes us all stronger and better able to cope. I know now that I'm 4+ months out I can eat a lot more variety than I could before and I don't get foamies anymore. Granted I don't touch sugar - one dumping episode was enough - and I stay away from fried or fatty foods - but carbs are sneaking back in different forms so I have to watch that. Sorry - I'm rambling now...but I'm glad you made this post - god knows we're all human and need the additional support from time to time. Kathy

Kathy, I have not been to one - have considered it though - and maybe more so now.  I will definately be doing some research. Carbs are evil lil things, aren't they?? I don't generally touch the fried or the sugar foods - which is why my choices were so "out of control" for me.   And yep - the support is imperitive - which is why I came here. Thanks Kathy! Pam

And sometimes.. we just need a hug.  so.. ((((((((((((((((((( Pam ))))))))))))))))))))) there's a hug from me!