Seaside Heights -- the insecurities still exist

Hi Everyone, Well, my husband and I went to Seaside Heights, NJ this Saturday and came home today.  Overall, I had a blast and it was nice to be with my husband and enjoy walking on the boardwalk and just being together with each other. But the insecurities still exist and I don't know that they'll ever go away.  Here's the story.  We got there a little early before check-in and were going to go to the beach.  So for the first time this summer I was dressed in beach attire with my swim shorts and bathing suit.  We pull up to the hotel and there are two tour buses and guess who was waiting to get on them??  About 100 teenagers!!!!!!!!  Well, we park on the side and were going to the office to see if we could leave our car there while we went to the beach.  Well, as we were walking to the hotel I started to cry.  And Garry was like what's wrong.  I said, please don't get upset at me, but I'm feeilng really insecure about all the teenagers and didn't even want to walk by them.  He said knock it off, it will be fine and that he wasn't upset about me being upset.  But it was awful and I felt awful.  They actually said we could check in early.  So we did and we unloaded the car.  But had to walk by every teenager there.  And all I could think about was my flabby legs flopping past them and worrying about them looking at me and staring.  I really hated it and could not wait to just walk to the beach and get away from them.  Thank the good Lord they were leaving and not staying. I felt a little better walking on the boardwalk but was concerned about everyone looking at my flabby fat arms.  Garry was like you were self-conscious when you were big and now that you're "small" you're going to be self-conscious too?  He kept telling me to knock it off and that I looked fine. When will these insecurities go away???  I guess the whole thing is acceptance now.  I need to accept that, yes, I've lost all this weight, and, yes, now I have hanging skin and have to deal with it.  But it's hard.  I don't think I'll ever feel "thin" with these horrible arms of mine.  I can deal with the legs a little better, but it still sucks.  And I'll probably be 50 by the time I can afford plastic surgery.  And by that time I don't think I"ll care what people think but maybe I will.  I just wish I didn't worry about what other people thought.  That's been my problem my whole life. Thanks for listening.  Love yas.

Karen, You sound just like me :) Those insecurities are the same ones I have. My tummy is flat.. my legs aren't awful, they certainly aren't great.. My boobs, and my arms SUCK. Seriously, if I lifted my arms outside and there was a slight wind, I'd take off :). Here's the reality of it all though... You're your worst critic. People tell me over and over again that my arms really aren't bad, but I still feel like they're absolutely disgusting looking. Here's what you need to do.. #1 step outside of your comfort level. Start wearing sleeveless shirts around the house first, then make it a point to wear something sleeveless outside at least once a week. #2 take a picture of yourself wearing something sleeveless. Pictures certainly don't lie, and you'll be able to see what everyone else is seeing. You're going to surprise yourself. I needed to do this with wearing shorts... I wore shorts for the very first time in public to the barix meeting this month. I was horrified. But everyone kept telling me I looked fine, and they didn't even notice I was wearing shorts... because it just looked NORMAL. You pay way more attention to your faults than anyone else in the world does... really. Next time you're feeling insecure, look around, and be a little vain. Find someone who maybe looks a little "worse" than you think you do.. and put a smile on your face. If they're comfortable, you can be too. This surgery fixes our insides, and changes the outsides. It does not fix our headds though... We had to re-teach ourselves how to eat after surgery... and now we have to re-teach ourselves how to dress... it's all a process. But I'll tell you what... I've been wearing shorts since the barix meeting... with CONFIDENCE! You'll get there girl.. it just takes lots and lots of time.

Glad to hear about the shorts thing, Mary!!  And you can bet I'll be sharing this news with hubby - he'll be thrilled to hear you are gaining confidence in the shorts! Very proud of you! Pam

Hi Karen I love Mary's idea of taking the photos and to "keep practicing" wearing what you want to wear. We are much harder on ourselves than others and when people tell us we look fine, we so don't want to believe them. As time goes on, hopefully you will care less and less about what people think. I know that has happened to me. So, you see, aging does have some advantages. Try to focus on how much better you feel and how much healthier you are. So next time when you come to Barix, you can one up Mary and show up in a bathing suit. We will all be there to cheer you on. Arlene

I understand the insecurities.  It has to do with what you think of you, not what the kids think of you.  I wear sleeveless stuff all the time.  I am very at peace with my body right now.  It is not where I want it to be, but I have accepted that I am a work in progress, and I am not a finished product just yet. Give yourself permission to wear sleeveless stuff and then do it.   Hugs, Trish

Karen, Glad you basically had a good time at the Heights!  I just told hubby that maybe tomorrow night we might go for the evening. Insecurities will be there.  I have them all the time.  Mary is right - start "practicing" wearing things you might be uncomfortable in.  Around the house.  Run to the grocery store in something and pick up a few items just for a minute.  You can change if you need to when you get back in.   The picture thing is also a good idea.  I say this not because I have done it consciously - but there was an outfit I wore that I was uncomfortable in - it was jeans (which I was fine with) and a tank top to a cousins bday party.  I felt like my tummy was hanging out all over the place and my arms would flap away.  Going through pictures, hubby had taken one of me that I was unaware of - and I realized, hey, I didn't look that bad.  I still thought my stomach was sticking out - but hey - it was better than what I originally thought. As far as teens go - well - they are ridiculous and will most likely make comments about ANYONE.  They are young, stupid, and have bodies not taken over by time and child bearing and what not.  It doesn't sound like any of them made any comments to you - but if they did - well - give them the finger and move on!! You DO look fabulous - you just have to listen to the comments and try to take them to heart when people say you look good and slowly start to say it to yourself. Great post - thanks for being honest. Pam

Hi Karen - I hope you had a good time on your weekend away inspite of feeling insecure about your body. And everybody's right - we're our own worst critics. I know I have insecurities too, but having had bi-lateral knee replacements ago left me with huge scars on my knees, and while I sometimes feel self-conscious in a bathing suit (for that and many other reasons) I've come to the realization that this is the only life I have, people will stare, and I just don't give a fat rats butt anymore - I'm gonna get out there and enjoy my life! We love cruising and you can't do that without a bathing suit and pool time - I see people walking by staring at my scars - and I'm sure they're thinking 'well gee, if she wasn't so fat she wouldn't have those scars' - and now when I cruise in October they'll be seeing sagging skin and flappy arms and still the scars on my knees but you know what? I'll know I feel better, look better, and can do more than I've been able to do in years. I'll never have a bikini body - I can live with that - I'm just glad I'll be living longer now! Kathy

Hi Karen, Insecurities is a good subject and I was just thinking this past weekend that this journey has made me insecure in new ways, but I guess with age comes a certain bit of wisdom and I realize that I'm not a woman of 20, 30, 40, but 50+ and that the likelihood of me ever feeling totally pleased with what I look like, is not very good.   Let's face it we are barraged daily with images that tell us we should be youthful and hardbodied forever and while there are some people who amazingly seem to cheat age, the reality is what it is and I believe in time we can achieve a measure of comfort in our appearance, largely through focusing on our healthy new selves and looking at the before pictures.  Try to remember, people who look at us with judgment are insecure themselves and need a scapegoat to feel better about themselves.  Thanks to Mary, I wore shorts this weekend for the first time in my adult life and comfortably I might add and I am even wearing sleeveless tops now, something I never thought possible.  I am able to look in the mirror and like what I'm seeing, yes, if I lift my arms, I got the batwings, but in general I don't have my arms lifted in public and I am happy with my healthier, thinner self.  In a bathing suit, lying on a raft yesterday, I laughed at what I call my puddles of loose skin, but when I think back to last year, I am thrilled at those puddles of skin.   Work on embracing the new beautiful, healthy woman you are becoming. Hugs, Laureen

Insecurities are a "head" issue, not a "body" issue.  If you want to overcome those insecurities, you can start with positive self-talk.  I am beautiful.  I am sexy.  I am excited about my new body.   I'm almost 50, and I went to the shore this weekend and had the nerve to wear a bathing suit on the beach!  LOL.  I did ask my daughter to let me know if her eyes started bleeding, but she said I was fine.  I was able to wear sleeveless camisoles and not worry about my wings (unless I heard them flapping).  I wore shorts and didn't care what was hanging past my knees.  Actually, I don't think my legs are that bad.  I don't give a crap what people think.  In my mind, last year I was completely crippled, unable to do anything, and unable to enjoy life (because of weight and husband issues.)  This year I am able to walk on the beach without pain, without pouring sweat, and without being out of breath.  I am able to go on rides.  I am able to ride a bike.  I am able to wear things I couldn't wear for over 20 years.  Should I wear them?  Oh, who cares?!?  Do you think people were pointing, staring, laughing?  I honestly couldn't tell you if they were or not, because I was too busy smiling, laughing, and enjoying myself.   I started overcoming insecurities when I got into a recovery program (Celebrate Recovery) for food addiction and co-dependency.  My faith helps a lot.  You keep talking about it, and you'll get lots of encouragement here and great suggestions.  Finally, remember this.  Those teenagers, no matter how good they look to you, are ALL insecure about their own bodies.