Don't Quite Know How to Handle this One....advice, please

My department is responsible for forwarding electronic faxes that come to the firm before and after hours.  This morning I opened a fax to see who to forward it to and it was a fax from Dr. Pupkova to one of our secretaries.  I have worked with this secretary for over 20 years.  I know her well and she is very much aware that I had WLS.  She obviously wants to keep the fact that she had her surgery several months ago a secret.  I can certainly respect that.  So much so that I asked someone else to forward the fax to her so she wouldn't see that it was coming from me.   A few months ago she emailed me and told me she saw me in the hall and thought I looked wonderful.  I responded to her by saying thanks and thought she looked like she had lost some weight recently and was also looking good.  She had the opportunity at that time to tell me, but chose not to. So, what would you do.....just pretend like you don't know or let her know how you innocently found out.  I certainly don't want to invade her privacy, and would never tell anyone else.  Just don't know how to handle.  Advice anyone???

It's obvious that she does not want to talk about it. I would just let it go. If she knows you had WLS and wants to discuss it, let her come to  you.

Hi Eileen, I think that honesty is always the best policy. If she did not want anyone to know - she should not have given out her work fax number. You innocently read it while doing your job. That is my two cents worth. And by the way, you do look wonderful. Tammy 

Hey Eileen, You say you've known and worked with her for over 20 years.  I'm sure you've become somewhat close in that amount of time.  You most certainly have something in common.  It's not like she had surgery and you didn't and you found out then confronted her about it.  You've been through the same thing and I think it would just give you ladies something to talk about, help each other out.  She can't get upset with you being as how you found out.  It was her fault for giving out the fax.  What if someone else had found it and revealed the secret to the entire office?   You're just talking to her one on one. She may welcome the conversation.  Worst case?  She tells you she don't want to talk about it and you drop it.

I definitely disagree. I know my wife is not trying to broadcast her surgery. She doesn't want to discuss it with people because there are many people out there who think we took the lazy way out.  What is there to accomplish by telling her you know?  If she knows you did, and doesn't want to talk about it, you have your answer. She doesn't want to talk about it. I think you have little to gain, and a lot to lose.   It's obvious a secret she is keeping.  If you found out she were HIV+, would you say anything? It's her medical information, just let it go. I have my bloodwork faxed to my office, but I would not want to discuss w/ my bosses (everybody in my office gets a copy of each and every fax as an email attachment) if I had high cholesterol, or an iron deficiency. If she knows about your surgery, and chooses not to talk abou it, then let it go.

Eileen I would not say a thing. Just keep the compliments going in her direction and I am sure she will do the same.  I personally want to scream it from the roof tops that I had surgery and that Dr. P saved my life, but I know that not everyone feels that way.  Jen

Hi Eileen - just the fact that you came here first asking for advice shows how much you respect her privacy - my question is if she's worked there that long then she obviously knows you open faxes in order to forward them, so maybe she is trying to tell you in a discreet, subtle way. I can understand why some people want to keep their surgery private, but let's face it, they can only do that for so long. For me personally honesty was the best policy and I've had wonderful support because of it. I woukd let her know you received the fax and maybe invite her to a support group meeting or just let her know you're there for her to talk to if she needs someone. I'd hate to think she's going thru all this alone, because sometimes it can feel very lonely doing this. Best of luck to you - I know you'll do the right thing. Kathy

Eileen -- The bottom line, regardless of what everyone else says, is that if she wanted you or anyone else to know, she would be more open about it.  None of us are mind readers.  We CANNOT judge someone's "subtle" behavior as the key to them opening up.  I recommend that you forget that you ever saw that fax come across your desk. Think about it this way... if someone else was in your position, someone who had NOT had the surgery, do you think this person would want to be approached about a confidential fax from a physician?  Probably not.   Just my two cents... - Mike

 My two cents... So it seems she is pulling the old Star Jones and not talking about her surgery which is her right to do so. You had given her an open door to tell you in the past but she opted to not share her surgery details. Some people just don't want to out it there about surgery in the start of my journey I was selective  on who knew and even today I am cautious about it.  Now the fact she got a fax sent to work just with any other type of information your suppose to not share things you may have seen because the trust factor is there. I would not say anything to her about it. Respect her privacy on this if she is every ready to share she knows you are there to talk to about it. Let's face she doesn't come to the Barix support meeting  or post here cause you would have seen her by now. Maybe she is just one of those loners!  Good Luck!

Gotta say Eileen, this is an interesting one. My nursing "hippa" side says nope, don't approach her.  (That side also screams, by the way, if she was keeping it a secret, why did she have it faxed to work??) My "I love Barix and Dr. Pupkova" side says "Go up and hug her and say "isn't barix wonderful"   But perhaps she is not totally confident in her decision, or is having some problems and doesn't really like the whole fact she had surgery.  Or maybe she doesn't like to talk about it. I'm gonna have to say to just let it go.  I agree with whoever else said to keep showering her with comments and leave doors open whenever you can.  She just might need the support one day.  And when she does, I hope she feels comfortable enough to come to you - as you are a fantastic roll model. If you see her in conversation one day you could slip things in like "Oh, I'm so busy today....I have a support group meeting at the hospital where I had my surgery" or something like that.  Innocent comments that make her aware of how involved you are with your continued success and support. Pam