A Need to Vent Post- too long (sorry)

Hi everyone, so I've had a really bad day today and needed to vent!  To start off my home computer died this morning and I think I have lost everything I had on it!  Which is alot and pretty devasting to me.  But its at the repair shop and I hoping for a miracle.  Well then my BF of 2 + years whom I live with and own a house with, calls me from VA.  He is there for a month at Fort Pickett going to Military Police Training, he is a First Sergeant in the Reserves and is looking to change his position.  I should give a little back ground on him, he has Bi-polar and manic depression symptoms and episodes which I have lived with for the last year and a half.  When he has these episodes he freaks out and tells me he wants to break up and leave me and he is not happy and its the same thing word for word, every episode, but then the next day his is fine, acts like he never even said anything, tells me how much he loves me. etc. Because I dont know what else to do, I jsut deal with it.  So today I get a phone call from him, and he freaks out on me, telling me all the same things, when he comes home we have to talk, he is done and he wants out of the relationship, etc etc.  WOW, ok.  But then he says..And about this Surgery, I dont support you at all.  Which all along he has said he would support me and if this is what I wanted he would be there for me.  Well now, he says if I have the surgery I will have to do it alone.  And that is very selfish of me, because it will change things for him.  So, now i'm a mess.  I know this relationship is dysfunctional and I staid with him because he loved me no matter how big I was but he has soo many emotional issues, that I know I have to end it.  But to hear him say he wouldnt support this surgery and that I have to chose between him and what I what and need, really hurt.  But he changes so much, in what he says when he goes in and out of his episodes, that I could just scream.  So, now I dont know what to do.  How's that for a Post!   But I do feel better now that I have written that all down.  So, has anyone had someone in their life totally not support them in their surgery?   Thanks for listening everyone!

Oh boy...  Where do I start?  I feel so sorry for your boyfriend and his mental health issues.  However...  this dysfuctional relationship is not healthy for either of you.  Just reread your post... You say you stay with him because he loved you no matter how big you were...  Once you have the surgery...  you aren't going to be big anymore.  and what will the reason be to stay with him?  BF is probably a smart guy, and realizes once you get your self esteem back, you are going to find someone who can truly be a partner for you.  So of course, he wants to make the decision to have surgery a painful one.  maybe he can convince you to change your mind and you won't lose weight and you won't leave him.   First and foremost, if you want to try to make the relationship work.  BF needs to get some help.  there are drugs out there that can help him.  He can't live this way forever...  cycling back and forth... Then you probably need some therapy yourself.  Maybe with him, maybe without him.  Learn to love yourself no matter what size you are.  If you have emotional eating habits, find your triggers, so that after surgery, you aren't sabitoging yourself again.  I dont' know if you have a date yet, but use the time before surgery proactively.  Try to work on your relationship with yourself, with food, and with your man.  I think Dennis said before, WLS is going to break up a happy strong relationship, but a weak one isn't going to survive. OK, I think my post was longer than your vent...  LOL 

Marlo, You need to do what is best for you. It sounds like he wants u to stay big so he can continue to treat u anyway he wants. You are already a beautiful person and you need to realize that and do what is best for you. You can not take care of others if you can't take care of yourself.  Tammy

Marlo, I feel for you honey.  I was in both a physically and mentally abusive relationship in my earlier years - I was 18 at the time.  The relationship basically broke off because I moved away to college and he couldn't control me there - and that freaked him out and I wouldn't come home.  I was lucky in that aspect. My husband's mother has mental health issues as well - and it's difficult dealing with her as well. If he's willing to go through counselling and possibly medications and willing to work on this WITH you - then I say you can go that route.  If you are him are not willing to try that - well then - perhaps it may not be the best relationship for you, especially at this time. Going through the surgery "alone" would be better than having him be unsupportive and possibly try to sabotage you along the way (try a little of this, dont' wory about exercise today, stay home with me...those little voices are always in your head anyway, let alone a physical person reinforcing them) As for your computer - that just plain sucks.  Been there and it's never a good thing. Glad you feel better after venting - but be sure to re read what you wrote and do a whole lot of soul searching. Pam

This is the way I see it... when I told people about my surgery if they didn't support me I would cut them out of my life... I didn't need someone to hold me back... I also didn't give a crap what they thought... so screw them... but I think you need to take that approach with him... tell him fine... you will get a lawyer and a realtor and sell the house and mail him his part of it and be done with him... you take your things and he takes his and sell the rest and split the money...

You don't need someone holding you back like a dead weight... you are trying to work on you and people like that aren't going to help... but you aren't alone... you have us! But I would get some extra therapy in... because it can't hurt... and it should help with healing after the surgery as well...

If you lived closer I would of told you to bring your puter over and have my hubby look at it... he builds all of our puters and is one of those IT nerds lol...

But, hang in there!

Marlo,

Wow, where do I start?  Without going into too much of my past history.. I'll just say I understand what you are going through.  I know a man that is bi-polar.  We were good friends and became very close.  He did the same thing, bouncing back and forth.  He was never abusive but he would go through feelings of guilt and so on.  Things would be great one day... not ok the next.  It is beyond their control and most people dont understand that.  I did end the relationship and to this day it still haunts me. He is the most caring individual I've ever met.

I ended the relationship because it was too much of an emotional rollercoaster for me.  I know I did the right thing for me but I still regret it.

The most important thing is that you need and want to get healthy.  This surgery will add years to our lives.  This is going to be one of the hardest things you will do.  You will need people around you that support you.  You will be dealing with emotional issues of your own and his emotional issues may compound them and make them worse.

I'm glad you took the time to post and kinda purge your feelings.  I know from my own experience how much it takes out of you.  If you ever need to talk I'm here.

Diane