Confession

I am still smoking!! My quit date was 3 weeks ago! And I see my PCP tomorrow! I am out of cigs, but survive by mooching them off my man and freinds, at least thats what I did today! I have been buying packs before that though! Not only that, but this whole 3 month diet thing is a joke! I don't know if I should loose weight or not, my insurance says supervised unsucsessful (sp?) and I can honestly say I have been trying to diet about as well as I have been trying to quit smoking! HELLO??? WHAT AM I DOING??? Of course, I will smoke when we go out friday night too! ::::banging head on wall:::::: It would be so much easier if I actually wanted to quit smoking, it's Dr. Patterson, dang her! She doesn't slice on the smokers. How do you get over that stomach clenching, anxious, tense, depressing feeling? I am on wellburtrin SR, and I don't think it's helping. oh well! I know I can do it if I set my mind to it, but I just don't wanna! If I had the will power, I wouldn't be soo fat to begin with! Then, to make it worse, I tried to bum a smoke from my man a little while ago, and the $%^&@ smiles as he says NO!!!! Like he enjoyed it, so I asked him, and he says yes, he did!!! I know he was just kidding around with me, but I wasn't in the mood to be kidded around with! Then he gives me a half pack of smokes cause he felt guilty. I haven't smoked one, but I can't stop thinking about it. They are right behind me, calling my name "Brandi, smoke us, smoke us, Brandi, you know you want it!" I know several of you won the battle, what did ya do? Brandi ~who, by the way, is very much looking forward to a drink with the crew tomorrow night!

Brandi, I've never smoked, so I wont say a word about that, but I will say this- I'm going to buy you a drink tomorrow because you SO need it!!! Take a deeeeep breath....repeat after me....almostfridayalmostfridayalmostfriday. Tam

Thankx, make it a double (whatever it is, LOL)!!!! It's almost friday It's almost friday It's almost friday!! Brandi

Well, first and foremost my prayer went like this: "God - I don't *want* to quit smoking. I don't even WANT TO WANT to quit smoking. I enjoy it too much. I love everything about it. I love the taste, the feel, the friendship it gives me. I love the relief I feel and the way it gives me something to do with my hands. I have absolutely NO desire to quit, but because I promised my husband I would try, I am here now asking you to change this for me. I absolutely cannot do it. I will not be able to do it. You have to take it from me 100%. You have to give me the desire to quit or whatever you need to do because I have quit and failed too many times before at my own hands. Words cannot express how powerless I am against this. So if you want me to stop, you have to do the work." Then the night I was to smoke my last, I put it out as I was driving down the road. I looked at my husband and said "I don't want to quit." I came thisclose to buying another pack of cigarettes. I finally decided I would give it the weekend. I promised I would try so I gave it a shot. I had every intention of buying a pack on Monday. I holed myself up in the office with the internet and stayed online 24/7. My husband would come in and bring me Little Debby Nutty Bars...one box after another. He was so funny. He would duck in and throw them on the desk as if he were throwing meat to a lion. Silly fella! So Monday came and I was going to smoke. I had every intention of smoking. I was just waiting for the right timing. After all, I needed to have an "out." I needed for something to trigger me ever so slightly so I could have an excuse. And I didn't find the opportunity. I wasn't feeling too bad about it though. So I decided I'd really put up a good front and go ahead and go for a week. I thought he'd really think I tried hard, and that when I started smoking again, it would be a hug and a "I know you'll do it next time hon." A week came and went. I was surprised at how I wasn't sweating this. I was so intent on starting again though, and so I got into the pack I had snuck into the freezer in the garage and took 4 puffs off a cigarette. I got a headspin from it. After I the head spin started to diminish, I felt at ease. I didn't feel the urge to have more. I decided that I may as well see where this took me. I shot then for 2 weeks. I again decided to have a smoke. Instead though I took 3 puffs. I decided that this might work, but that if I got a headspin, I was getting too much nicotine. 3 would keep me just under that line. I went on like this in decreasing frequency for about 3 months. By that time I realized it was sticking. And for several years on the anniversary of my quit date I allowed myself to smoke a whole cigarette. And when I started feeling like I wanted to smoke during that year, all I had to do was remind myself that I could have that cigarette I so much wanted on Feb 13th. So it was unconventional. It wasn't what most people would try to do. But God knew how I would respond best and boy - did it work like a charm. I quit on Feb 13, 1998. Dina

WOW!! Thats sooo awesome! Thankx for sharing that! My man thought I shouldn't go cold turkey, but switch to cigs I don't like, like ultra lights, or menthols (yuck). cut down a bit on those, then quit. I think I will combine both ideas! Brandi

Be careful of the ultra lights though as people tend to inhale harder with those. I read an article one time about them and the thing is with inhaling harder, you end up with more toxins than if you just had your regular smoke. I'd vote for the menthol, but don't be so sure it won't grow on you! LOL! Dina

Good thought, I think your right, cause I got stuck smoking a light once and I sucked on that puppy like it was...well....I inhaled very deeply.. I can honestly say I hate menthols though.... Brandi

Hi brandi, dam girl.. (((((((HUGS))))))) I honestly feel for you.. welbuterin did not help me either.. It only helps if *you* want it too.. I simply did not want to quit. I was not required by my surgeon to quit.. I wasn't even hasseld about it.. or for that matter any dr. I have ever seen.. amazing this day and age but true. they say are you "aware" of the dangers of smoking and I say, yes.. and that's it.. but then again when they look at my skin disease and see the PAIN it can causes (during a flare up) they understand the need for my smokes.. especially when they find out I don't "eat" pain pills. every dr. I have ever seen is purely amazed after looking at me that I am not a regualr patient in a pain management clinic.. now my WLS dr. is also from another country (can't remember exactly what country though) and that seems to make a differance in the "attitude" about smoking. yes, as a surgeon he KNOWS the dangers obviously but he doesn't have the "HATRED" twords smokers that american's in general have. we seem to be right up there with murders' and rapists!! hell, drug addicts and bums on the streets get more understanding than smokers do!! in our society the only thing worse than being a "smoker" is being a "FAT SMOKER".. ok, maybe I am just over sensitive with both of those issues but that's the way I see it. (felt it) I feel for ya.. I also think it would be much easier for you if you had an actual date for surgery. I think you'd be more motivated in wanting to quit?? see ya tomarrow night Theresa

Well, I don't think you're being overly sensitive. I have felt that way for a long time. I know I was treated like I had the plague on more than one occasion when I was a smoker. I really have a feeling that I was allowed to fall off my high horse from when I was a militant non-smoker so that I would experience the addiction first hand and see how snotty I was. I used to be pretty hostile about smoking. Once I was a smoker myself, my eyes were opened to many things I was originally oblivious to. It taught me a few hard lessons on how to treat people. Dina

I get the same feeling as a smoker, the hatred. And whats up with the fake smoke cough? You know, when your hanging out on the sidewalk or whatever, having a smoke, and people walk by, glare at you, and do that stupid fake cough thing, even though we are in the open air and the smoke is blowing up. UGH! I try to be considerate as a smoker, but that gets on my nerves! So no, your NOOOOOOT being over sensitive at all! LOL! Brandi