Can you share with me????

Hi Friends, first let me thank you all for being so helpful to me in my journey. It's hard to imagine that it's been almost 4 years since my surgery! I have been developing a lecture regarding the insensitivity of the public towards the obese. I am doing this for several reasons.....to educate healthcare workers, to lobby for obesity discrimination to be prohibited by the ADA, to educate the public at large to the plight of this last socially acceptable bastion of open and rampant discrimination, etc. Right now all I have to go on is my own experience and I was wondering if you could help me to help others by sharing your experiences with me. I know it might be painful but maybe with all of us putting forth an effort it will be worth it in the end. I'll go first and share one of my most hurtful experiences. When I weighed 263 I interviewed for a job as a receptionist at a popular radio station. Because it was for a receptionist position, the interviews were all done over the phone. You mailed or faxed in your resume and then everything was done over the phone so they could evaluate your phone skills and dealing with the public. I made it all the way down to the final two applicants and was invited in for a meeting with the president. Even at 263 pounds I took great pains with my appearance and fixed my hair and makeup and wore nice, professional clothing. I arrived at the office and saw that the other applicant was a tiny lady who was very pretty. When the president came out he literally looked at me first and then looked at her. He walked up to me, shook my hand, told me he didn't think they had anything for me and hoped I hadn't been inconvenienced by coming in. He then took the other lady by the hand and ushered her into his office. I almost felt sorry for her. He was practically drooling over her. I left the office in a conflicted mess. I was happy that I didn't have to work for an ignorant man like that. But, I was devastated because he had totally discounted my intelligence and my abilities because I was morbidly obese. I felt worthless. I was too ashamed to tell my family what happened and I lied to them and said I'd had a great interview but he must've like the other lady better. It wasn't until I'd had WLS that I shared this experience with them. The really terrible thing about this is that this scenario and worse is played out over and over each day with morbidly obese individuals. Can you share your experiences with me? I know I'm only one person and I don't expect to change the world but I figure even the mighty oak started out as one little nut. So, this little nut is seeking your help. Thanks again for being a wonderful, supportive WLS family!

I mentioned this the other night at our meeting, but here it goes again. Whenever I have weighed more (crossed some invisible line), most salespeople at Nordstroms completely ignore me. I practically have to jump up and down and scream to get served. However, once I pass back under that invisible line, then they begin to "see" me and serve me again. Makes me sick. Marcie

Marcie, I have had exactly the same experience there! I've also noticed that how I dress makes a difference. If I'm in my casual stuff...jeans and a top I can't get helped at all! If I'm in my "business" clothes and have my hair and makeup done, I'll at least get someone to notice me. It's very frustrating. I have the "little person" inside of me wanting to scream at them "you're nothing but a department store checker, so why do you think you're so much better than me? I'm pretty sure I make more money than you and don't have to work evenings and weekends to do it!". Fortunately, I've been a bigger person than that (no pun intended, lol) and haven't said what I thought. Hugs to you, Michele

Rona - I had a very similar experience to yours. I was in my early 20's and probably around 220 lbs at the time. This was back in the mid-80's when that was considered HUGE. I was working at the welfare department part time and was looking for full time work. I heard about a secretarial job downtown (this was a small town, so I don't want to indicate what kind of place) and decided to apply. I felt very confident I could do the job as I've always had excellent communication skills. When I got back to work one of the welfare clients who was tall and thin came in and told me she had applied for the same job. Having dealt with her as a client at the welfare department, I happened to know that the woman was dumb as a post. She could barely spell her name correctly on the applications there. But, of course, we all know who got the job. I felt the same as you - angry, but yet happy that I didn't have to work for someone like that. As for other experiences, I had some horrible things happen to me which affected my ability to enjoy some pretty simple activities. One particular time was when I was visiting my brother in Gresham. He wanted to go to the mini mart for a pack of cigarettes, and I went with him. Here I am, 270 lbs sitting way low in the passenger side of a Camero that he left running. In front of the car is a man at a phone booth who turns and looks at me. He then starts screaming at the TOP of his lungs "LOOK AT THAT FAT F-ING B--CH! LOOK AT HER! LOOK AT THAT FAT F-ING B--CH! WHAT A WHALE! SHE'S HUGE!" This didn't stop there. He continued to scream and point at me for what seemed like forever. Thankfully my brother didn't hear him because he would have been toast. I didn't want to be visiting him in prison, so I kept my mouth shut until we were a few miles down the road. Sure enough, my brother was pissed and sure enough, he had a gun hidden under his seat. Sure enough he tried to find the guy, but thankfully he was gone by the time he drove back by. It was horribly humiliating, and even though I know the guy had to be on drugs, mentally unstable or both, it really hit me hard. That made me not want to go out in public anymore. That was the beginning of me cocooning in my house. If I could avoid the world, I did. I have since been laughed at by teens while driving, talked about in a hostile way in the mall...with me standing right there. I have been ignored in certain stores, and any countless number of things that we all can relate on large and small scales. Heck, even the taxi driver who took us to our motel in San Diego when I was on my way to Mexico for surgery was a complete and total jerk to me. I thought he would wreck the car on the way to the motel, and then when he took my money and tip he acted like he couldn't WAIT to get out of there. In fact, "grab the money and run" would be an appropriate term. My own grandmother told me when I was 215 that I was too fat to find a man and that I should jump at the first person who gave me any attention. When she went to church with me one week there was a man working the sound system who was probably 400 lbs. She kept pushing me to try to go over and ask him for a date because in her eyes I needed to set my sights on someone else who might be desperate. I was avoided by my petite sister who couldn't understand why I had a weight problem. My relationship with her for the longest time was based on my weight. When I was thin, we got along fine. When I was heavy, she wanted nothing to do with me. One particular time when I was a teen and weighed probably 185, she got me in her car for a long trip and cornered me with a lecture/fight about my weight. We even got in a fight in a motel room one night because of it....and yes, she admitted to me that she was embarrassed to be seen with me. She has since changed her tune, but I suspect I always make her uncomfortable even though she has come to accept that I have always fought my weight. Oh yeah - and I never liked bars....ever. But I was 21 and with a friend who wanted to see what this one bar was like. Safety in numbers and all, I told her I'd go with her. Similar to the Gresham incident but at only around 190 lbs, again a man in the bar that was full of about 150 people spotted me from across the room and started screaming about me being a "fat b--ch." Over and over. And over. I don't go a whole lot of places. I go places where I feel relatively safe and I don't venture outside that zone. It's not a fun place to be. Dina

Dina, I am so very sorry to hear someone behaved so horribly! You're probably right...sounds like he was "on" something, but it doesn't excuse the behavior. It's weird that this post came up this week, because I just had an incident last Sunday. We were going on a family bike ride on Sunday for Father's Day. We pulled into Willamette Park and I got out to pay the park fee to the attendant. As I walked around the truck, a guy on a bike whizzed by and shouted out "Too big for me!", right behind me. I hadn't experienced a verbal assault like that for several years and I just stood there, near tears and in shock. Once I got past some of the hurt, I got mad. I wanted to find him and give him a piece of my mind. I wanted to tell him that it's jerks like him that make it more difficult for bigger people to get out in the world and do the activities they want to do, and could do to b be more active and healthier. Of course, I also secretly hoped he hit a pothole and crashed and burned on his bike. I know that wasn't nice, but I did think it. I've also noticed that where my weight is at makes a difference, have you? It seems that when I'm at certain weights (on the lower end of fat), people are more comfortable being vocal with their cruelty. When I've been bigger, they don't...it's as if I've passed an invisible line of when they perceive it's acceptable to say things that are hurtful. Say, 200-300 lbs is okay to ridicule, but over that isn't. Have you notice anything like that, or am I just weird? I am truly disappointed that some people in this world think the fat we carry on our bodies has filled up our ears and hearts.....and that we don't hear or feel what is said. Hugs and prayers for you, Michele

All this talk kinda reminds me of alot of generalities in my life I try not to think about. I am 28 years old, and have been FAT since about age 10. I never got to go to my prom, in fact, my mother told me I most likely wouldn't get a date, so I made one up and went out and she bought me a prom dress and everything. I never got to enjoy the "clubbing" scene or bar scene, I wasn't one of the beautiful people and tried it a few times before I realized I just didn't fit in as much as I wanted too. I have never worn a bikini, I have never worn Ho boots, you know, the tight, knee high sexy ones. I can't even find normal shoes that fit. I have never worn a mid-drift or a mini-skirt. I never got into the dating scene either. In high school, I always go the backstage jobs in Drama instead of the acting parts, I never was involved in sports (gave that up when I tried out for volleyball in 7th grade, and other gals laughed at me). I was never a cheerleader, an athlete, or popular. I never got to fit into a pair of Guess Jeans (even during middle school, when you HAD to have Guess everything). I feel like if I wasn't fat, I wouldn't have missed these things if I didn't get them. But because I am fat, I never got the chance to find out. I miss my teen years and early 20's when I should have been doing everything but sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I am lucky now because I have a man who loves me and I love him, we have known eachother for 10 years now, and have been together for 3 years next month. We dated many years ago for 2 years (love at first site). I try not to feel sorry for myself, and am instead focusing on the new me that I will get to be someday (hopefully soon). Thankx everyone for reading all about my pity party. LOL! Brandi

What is it about being overweight that makes you a fat b*tch. I consider myself a pretty nice person, no one that knows me would say i was a b*tch, so what does that have to do with being fat??? I have gotten that comment from strangers many times and I just dont get it. I hear what you all are saying about the invisible thing....its funny, since surgery and with 85lbs gone, lots of doors are being held open for me and men want to talk to me in line at the grocery store...its very strange. I think one of my most embarrassing moment was when i broke my ankle 2yrs ago and my mom had to help me to the car and then into a wheel chair at the doctor's (which I barely fit into) and then had a really hard time pushing the wheel chair....she never said anything, but I could tell she was having trouble helping me and pushing that much weight...I felt so bad...that was really the point at which I decided that something had to be done and I talked to my doctor about surgery a month later. Shanna

* My hubby & I sometimes meet for a drink in a local bar in Sandy, Or. on the way home from work. I don't like to go into a bar alone, without him. This one day, however, I arrived first. I had to pee so bad, that I went in anyway and headed for the restroom. As I passed the bar, there were some "regulars" sitting at the bar, guys of course. As I passed them to head towards the restroom, I heard one of them say, "hey Joe, there's one for ya" and Joe said; " yeah, right, A bit on the hefty side for me, man!" Then one of the other guys said, "yeah, but when has that ever stopped ya?" Of course, I did not say anything back, cause he was right. I did get tears in my eyes and told my husband about it when he arrived. Pigs! * As a teen, I was thin, and had a very nice figure. I just wish I had realized it then, and not gained all this weight thru the years. After being married for about 6 years, my husband, 3 yr old daughter & I went camping to a family reunion. When we arrived, mom & dad were there and some other relatives. Mom introduced my husband & daughter to my Uncle Kurt who I had not seen since hi-school. Then, mom said to him "Kurt, you remember our daughter Joan?" Uncle Kurt said very very LOUD " This is Joan? Geezus, Christ, what the HELL ya been eatin'?" Of course, I went off and cried and did not want to face anyone. * After Hi-school, I moved back to my small hometown after being away for about 7 years. During my absence, I had gained about 65 lbs. One day, while my car was broke down, I took the city bus with my daughter. I noticed that the bus driver was a guy I went to Hi-school with who was on the football team and very popular. I hoped he did not reconize me, as we have trained ourselves to do. He must of, cause I heard him talking to someone else on the bus and tell him that he "could not believe how fat she is now, she was pretty hot back in Hi-School!"

It never ceases to amaze me how the term "FAT" is thrown around so carelessly. To me it is a dirty word when used in name calling. In our society that it so PC all the time - we have conviently neglicted and abused the biggest (no pun intended) group of all - those who are overweight. I have always wondered why insurance companys cover chemical dependency but never food dependencies. Society thinks of us as the weak ones - funny that we are preceived that way when the majority of society in the U.S. is overweight. I feel ashamed, and embrassed to be overweight. No amount of counseling is going to make me feel okay about being overweight when I am bombarded everyday with society telling me there is something wrong with me. We "experience" the discrimination 24/7. It is there when we are called names, try to fit in a theater seat, airplane seat or booth at a restaurant. It is there when our families look at us and say "You must not WANT to loose weight otherwise you would." or when our doctor tells us, "You have to loose weight." but does not gives us the means to do it. UGH! I could go on all day.

My experiences have been mixed. I was tortured (emotionally) as a child and taunted mercilessly in school and by my two lovely sisters (who have spend so much time sunning themselves in their bikinis they look like old leather purses and like my older, instead of younger, sisters. By the time I got into college, I was about 170 and I stand 5'9". Frankly, I never cared much what men think, one way or the other. Most men think they are gods. I think it is hilarious that beerbellied men alcoholics sitting in a bar would impress anyone as a judge of attractiveness. Once I was able to establish my own identity and self worth, no one was granted the power to take it away. My husband and I had our first disagreement on our first date. We have been together ever since. But that's another story........ tee