What kind of person will you be?

After some contemplation about personality types, it made me wonder about a few things. How do you think you will change after the weight is off? Have you considered how you will feel to navigate your world after all is said and done? The reason I ask is because I recall when I was a teen and lost a lot of weight. I was suddenly getting lots of attention from boys and although I was young enough that it probably didn't bother me as much as it would spending a lifetime as an adult not getting attention, it did make me uncomfortable. I just wasn't used to it. It was NICE, but I felt like a fake...a phony. I felt like I was hiding an ugly secret and if they found out about it, they would avoid me like the plague. Another thing that happened that I wasn't prepared for was my attitude about fat. I know now that I can pin my feelings down to having a lot of fear of gaining the weight back (which I did), but I recall wanting to avoid fat people and having a feeling of not wanting to be associated with anyone like that. I don't think I was mean to anyone really, but I remember with on of my first jobs that I was quite impatient and annoyed by a very large man who made sure to clean out the candy supply when we closed down fire camp (I worked for the Forest Svc). He really disgusted me and those feelings that I had then make me feel so sad as an adult who has struggled with obesity. It occurred to me after having listened to many people who are in various places in this journey, that some are becoming just downright mean. Certainly there is a lot of narcissism and self-centeredness that goes on as well, but more interesting is the fact that it seems that some people go through a phase of being unapologetically cruel because they can be....citing reasons of being the one who always tried to please others, and now having the freedom to not be a doormat, etc. But in the process of claiming this newfound independence it struck me how it may feel like empowerment to someone when they are going through it, but what I think it really boils down to is a need to assert leverage and perhaps even at times strike out at others because of a sense of always having be the object of someone else's abuse in the past. The best analogy that I can give is to think of how kids are. When a kid isn't in the popular group and is picked on, then suddenly are taken in by the popular group, they almost eagerly join in on the abuse against another victim....happy that it is not them and not wanting to jeapordize their new status. I'm not bringing this up to chastise anyone or point fingers, but rather to illuminate to all of us who are starting out on our journeys what may lie ahead. I really do not want to let meanness take over my life. I don't want to avoid, I don't want to strike out, and I don't want to focus so intensely on myself that I don't see anyone else....whether that be someone struggling with their own obesity, their weight loss surgery or the people in my life who matter. I have experienced it myself in the past as an immature teen and young adult, and maybe because I did go through that I have a unique perspective. I recall seeing a post on another forum some time ago where a woman was upset because she couldn't understand why she had these intense feelings of hate and disgust when she was around a fat person. She couldn't understand it and it was obvious she was not wanting to feel that way. From my perspective I felt as if she was dealing with what I dealt with as a teen, but was able to put it into words as an adult. But the thing that struck me most was the fact that here she was, an adult, and feeling those same negative feelings. Fear is what I feel it boils down to. Fear of becoming that again -- fear it is contagious. Fear you will never escape the reality of the former you. Fear of being "found out." It's something that I think is going to happen to some of us. And it's something that I really think we should all spend time contemplating. We know we are about to embark upon a journey that will change our lives, and I think we owe it to ourselves to analyze how we feel now so we can prepare for those emotions when they do hit. Certainly there are some people who will be fine and not be affected like this. But some of us will....and the worst part is that sometimes it's with the people who least expect it. Like me, when I was a kid, I always thought I would want to be nice to others with weight problems. I had a lot of pain in my heart over how I was treated and a lot of compassion for others in the same boat. Yet there I was, letting fear dictate how I dealt with others. My resolve this time out now that I recognize this, is to be there, and not turn my back on others out of fear. Dina

Dina, Thank you for the heart-felt, honest and self-revealing post! I agree with you, it is out of fear. During the couple of times in my life when I was near a "normal" weight, I saw those around me with severe weight problems as a reminder of what I was and what I didn't want to be again. Intellectually, I knew better, but emotionally I felt that associating with them could lead me back to the unhealthy lifestyle of bad eating behavours and little excercise. I was never intentionally mean, but I did shy away from contact with those individuals. I let them down and wasn't a good friend. In retrospect, it was heartless. Everyone needs love, acceptance and friendship...no matter where they are in their journey. Would I want people to shy away from me for that reason....no. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". My BF has expressed concern that I will change. That increased attention from males will change me. I have been fortunate (maybe) enough to have always had attention from men, no matter what size I've been (being a natural flirt helped, I'm sure!) . I know it will increase, but it's not new to me. I don't think I'm going to think I'm "all that". I did see a friend go through this...she had never had much attention from men but had a husband who worshipped her. At 5'10'' I considered her a "big girl" but not obese. But she did lose a lot of weight and started doing her hair and makeup and wearing better clothes. She got considerable attention from men..and she did change. She started modeling at bridal shows...she looked that beautiful! She divorced her husband abruptly and lost her job because conflicts with new her social life and changed her friends. It was sad to see such a sweet, wonderful person change so much. I resolve to consciously make the choice to be a friend and a source of encouragement and support. Dina, thank you so much for this post....it opened up a memory for me that I don't want to repeat. THANK YOU SWEETIE! Michele

Wow- see your friend is one of the kinds of people I am talking about. They tend to lose sight of who they really are. Perhaps they feel they were never able to be who they really wanted to be because of the fat, but that just goes to show us how much we limit ourselves. I know I do limit myself and see that changing ever so slowly now. I suddenly see where I will have this barrier of fat out of my way so I can do things that people might not have accepted me as doing in the past. (And no, I'm not talking about dancing in a nudie bar!) So I know I will be in for some changes, but I am hoping they will remain positive changes and not selfish hurtful ones.... As for being a flirt - I KNEW IT!!! I knew you were!!! Dina

Hey dina, wow, what a post.. I don't think I wanted to really "think" that much today... LOL actually for myself I am much more insecure now than I was MO... about "everything" in my life. how I look, how i act or react, what people think about me... I never cared about these things before.. it boggles me as to why I think so much of them now.. The only reason I can think of is that I isoloated myself for so long. I figured people didn't like me so why should I try so hard?? then I became numb.. well now, I no longer want to be isolated (my plea in finding something to do on friday nights is a HUGE STEP FOR ME) I am putting myself out there in so many differarnt ways. I had this surgery to "LIVE" and by god I am going to!! I wasted to many years of my life.. as for my own feelings on fat people?? I don't fear them, or loath them in anyway.. I grew up around MO. People I love the MOST in this world are MO. and not all of them from eating disorders.. a few of them from other medical diseases. I feel their pain. I have been there. I don't judge them when they eat.. although sometimes I think that, they think I am.. and in my own mind I am "MO".. my sister pointed that out to me the other day. I was talking about the whole carnie controversary and the media input and said something like "socieity hates fat people but they also don't want "US" to loose weight.. who would they have to pick on" my sis whispered to my other sis "she still thinks she is fat"... I over heard this, it wasn't said to me.. and I realized ummmm yeah I do!! i've been told I was fat *and* ugly since I was 8 years old.. 13 months post op doesn't change that thinking.. 104 lbs loss does not change that thinking. a size 10 levi's jeans doesn't change that thinking that has been inbeded in my mind all these years. so what kind of person will I be??? a MO in a smaller body.. I hope I can continue to grow mentaly and be a better person in all ways. but "what will others priecieve me to be"??? Theresa

You know you brought up an interesting point Theresa - the fact that you still feel like a MO person in a smaller body. I can't escape the feeling that I will feel the same way to a degree as well. I'm sure after being overweight all my life and pushing 38 now that I will feel the same way. I guess I did when I was a teen too as evidenced by that feeling that I would be "found out." I like that you are able to provide perspective from the other side. It really helps us to see what may lie ahead from each of us! Dina

I know me.. and I will not be mean to those that are different.. I won't be mean at all.. I have seem some ugly things in my Life.. and after what happened 4 years ago.. I do not want meanness as a part of my life.. being thin wikk be a new thing for me.. and I will embrace this new life.. what is the use of gaining your life if you are to lose your soul with meaness.. we all have been through life being overweight.. being judged..being thought we were stupid.. how many times have we had people make rude comments.. there is nothing on this earth that would make me treat anyone that way.. especially other large people.. I have spent along time learning about me.. and sometimes it was not a pretty picture.. I have a weird problem. I have never thought like a fat girl.. I am always shocked that I am huge.. I weigh 367 lbs.. I have been large since I was 22.. I am now 50.. I want the next 50 years of my life to be much more active and a much better life.. I have no one in my life except my friends.. and I value those people.. I have seen large people look away afraid to look into someones eyes.. I will never look away from them. I will look them in the eyes.. and all they will see there is love and understanding.. wether they are large or small.. but that is just me.. Life is to short.. and I always will remember that I should treat others as I would like to be treated..

Renee - If you feel comfortable answering, what happened to you 4 years ago? Must have been pretty bad. As for you, I have a feeling too that you will not be any different. I just "get" from you that you are innately a caring person who cannot step outside that persona. I could be wrong and correct me if I am, but that is how I see you... Always good to have a reasoned perspective here! Dina

hope you don't mind I copied this to send to some friends and I think you should post this on other boards

Kimberly - Please feel free to send it on. I will maybe post this on the main board a little later. I have posted on a few forums already. It's amazing to see how the threads take sometimes different turns and some take the same theme. I know on a couple threads people took from this that there is danger in losing loved ones - specifically husbands because of the changes. Others, like here, express it in general terms of how we treat other people around us everywhere. I think it's a good conversation to have and to keep having. I know I want to be successful and cope with all these feelings rather than letting them fester. Dina

I don't mind DIna.. 4 years ago I was divorced.. and it was pretty bad.. and all the worse cause I did not expect it.. you see I was married for 25 years to a good man. he was loving kind and supportive... 5 years ago I almost died of E-coli and it was almost at the same time that I found out I was diabetic.. well this good man started changing.. he started drinking.. I had never seen him drink in 25 years.. and his personality started to drastically change.. one morning in Feb.. he woke me up with divorce papers in his hands.. and he said " I love you but I don't want to be married" I was in shock and I signed them.. in the process I signed away every thing my hearth and home.. not long after that he told me.. that I was stupid and ugly and had no options..BUT he would allow me to stay and live in my own house and cook and clean for him.. my Irish got up and I said "no".. he said .. "But you have no money".. I said "I am leaving" .. he again said "You have no money" .. I said "watch me".. well I stayed there for another couple of months.. I was trying to finish out my quarter at school.. it was the hardest thing that I have done.. cause he and his family got very verbally abusive.. the wouyld wake me up at 6am just to yell at me.. and things like that.. I think it was a stupid desire to not be driven out of my own home.. I did leave when the quaarter was out.. and moved back to Oregon.. where I am now attending the University.. he was right I had no money. but I could go to school and that helped me to have the barest of living expenses.. and is getting me a degree too one of the things a Doctoe told me was that my ex had a fear of death syndrome.. and also a mid life crisis.. silly person.. I was so bad.. but I have not looked back.. and in fact have not talked to him since.. I have alot of skills .. am good with a computer and love office work.. but I have not been able to find a job.. cause I spent 25 years taking care of my home and family.. but the degree will change that.. as will the losing of this weight.. I cannot say I did not get anything actually.. I got my Jeep.. and good insurance from my divorce.. and found that I like living alone.. well Okay I have a cat.. I guess from what my best friend said.. I have not changed since I was a teenager.. I love people and I do not ever want to intentionally hurt anyone.. I enjoy being a friend.. and having friends.. one time my best friend who lived only a block away called me.. (she was recovering from gallbladder surgery.. ) and she said. that she wanted a soft drink from the deli near here.. so I went and got her soda.. I love to help.. to share.. ( you might want to stay away from me if I am learning somethign new.. I like to share and you will find yourself learning what I am learning.. cause the best way to learn is to teach.... I shared my spinning , eaaving painting embroidery.. sword fighting.. etc ad nauseam..) in the last 6 years I have almost died 4 times.. and it has taught me about love and kindness and the shortness of life.. people are for loving.. no we are not all perfect.. I am not sure I would want them to be.. imperfections bring diversity.. I try to be kind.. to everyone ..even store clerks.. and nurses that stick you with needles 13 times to get an IV.. .. my emergency room people call me smiley.. I don't know why.. I think I was put on this earth to try to be the best I can be.. and I think there were a certain amount of people that I was sent to love.. even if I can onlyu send that love with a smile and a gentle word.. but I have to tell you I am not saint don't even want to be.. .. and I have a bad temper that does come out when I seen people being mean .. and I did yell at my cat cause she kept clawing me.. poor baby.. I think I am just weird.. and I am practicing to be eccentric..