I'm Angry

I work in a very small office. 2 offices have been amalgamated due to downsizing and today is the last day for a co-worker from the other office. For over 3 weeks it has been planned that she's being taken out for lunch. When the plans were first made, I was clear that I would not be attending. My boss seemed understanding.  I'm just over 2 months out and nowhere near ready to go to a restaurant (to eat or mentally!).

Today I'm getting pressure from everyone to just "Go and sit there, you don't have to eat." A Muslim co-worker who is observing Ramadan is going and not eating, but she worked closely with this person for years, whereas, I have not.  Plus, no disrespect, Ramadan and WLS are 2 different cir****tances/situations.

I'm angry that people are pushing me.  After telling someone that it was insensitive and akin to asking an alcoholic to a bar just when they're fresh out of rehab, their reply was, "Think about it, I'll call you back in 10 minutes".

CRIPES!  Sorry, had to vent!

I'm not going, full stop.

It is unfortunate people just do not get it. I have sat through some expensive lunches where I eat just about nothing but split the bill. Remember it is Friday and this will pass.

Thank you Pat, I appreciate your reply and advice. 

I have to remind myself that this will pass and situations will arise from time to time that will test my coping skills :)

These situations will arise ALL the time. I know it's difficult for you but honestly, at some point we have to "get over ourselves".  Like Pat, I have attended MANY food-centred work get-togethers over the years only to order a tiny appetizer (and eat a couple of bites) and split the bill (or not, not important really). What is important, in my mind, is the social aspect of it. No, you haven't worked with this person for a long time, but it is polite (and in keeping good work relationships with co-workers and bosses) to attend.

Hi Karen,

I get what you're saying.  The funny part is I already spoke with the girl who is leaving and she understood my reason for not going and was fine with it.  I do understand that these types of situations will be a part of life but at only 2 months out, I'm taking care of myself first.

What got me angry was the pushing from people who clearly didn't understand/respect my reason why this would be difficult for me. 

Live and learn :)

Yeah, the badgering would tick me off too. And then I would feel centred out and a whole bunch of other unpleasant feelings. I get it and by the way, I DO remember what it's like to be 2 months out. I just never let it stop me from attending/doing things and I'm glad I didn't. Hopefully this will all blow over and maybe you'll feel a little better about attending another one in the future. :)

If you don't want to go, don't go.  But I have to agree with Karen somewhat.  Are you using the RNY as an excuse?  Workplace events are going to happen.  I attend many work-related lunches, and did so fairly early on after surgery.  You can usually check out the menu on-line first, including nutritional information in many cases, and make a decision based on that.  Usually a small appetizer or soup or salad will do the trick.  Often I would order something, and take half of it back to the office to be eaten for dinner.  I got to enjoy the social aspects, yet keep the food thing in check.  To this day, I check out the menus on-line, and sometimes even have a healthy pre-snack just before if I think I may be tempted by something that I shouldn't eat.

I will note that when I was doing Opti, I felt completely isolated.  At that point, I really couldn't be around food.  So I did isolate myself socially from work and other events.  But post-surgery, especially right after, no problem.  I didn't have the cravings.  The foods people were ordering, at least at the beginning, weren't appetizing.  Easy to do my own thing.

Ultimately, it is your decision.  I just wouldn't necessarily use the RNY as the excuse because you will have the RNY for the rest of your life.

DD

Hi DD,

Thanks for your reply. I completely get that workplace events will happen, of course there are many other factors involved.  I will say, I have not nor will I ever use my RNY as an excuse for anything.  Not my style.  I was angered by the pressure, and that the pre-RNY me would not have stood up for myself as I did today.

At only 2 months out, I am thinking of and looking after myself. Not something I've ever really done. I am not ready to go to an Italian Hot Plate restaurant yet. I have still not eaten salad, raw vegetables, or been able to keep down chicken or beef. I only try new foods when I am at home in case of consequences. Add to it I take public transit and have a 90 minute commute each way, today is not the day for me to veer of my plan and try new food.

I appreciate your perspective.

I get it!  Especially the new foods thing. And people do need to back off and respect your decisions. Just know you won't have to say no forever!  I personally hated the isolation during opti...so was pleased I was able to join in group events pretty quickly post-surgery. The only times I will say no or ask people to reconsider location is if it's a fast food type place (which I won't do even three years out) or something like Chinese...not enough options. 

DD

Hi annieliv I totally feel your pain and I sympathize with you.  I had a similar situation in that on this past Assistant's Day (I was about 3 months out), my firm hired a Baskin Robbins employee who brought tubs of ice cream into the office and served all the assistants up ice cream in the boardroom -  and of course they were ALL my favourites.  Pralines and cream, world class chocolate, etc. etc.  I didn't go and so HR was trolling around the office rounding up assistants to get to the boardroom where it was occurring.  When I explained that I couldn't have ice cream due to my surgery (which they knew about) I was told "just go and sit with your friends".  So I did.  Then what happened was everyone was offering me a bite of their ice cream... with comments like "sure you can have just a bite".  Ugh I was so mad. Later I send all those who tried to get me to eat ice cream a publication on dumping syndrome haha.  Some replied with TMI and some genuinely apologized.

My advice to you is, don't go, but in keeping with good relations with your co-workers, perhaps go to the worker whose lunch it is for and give her a thank you card or some such thing and say to her you are sorry you can't attend due to medical issues and wish her the best.

Good luck in what you decide and I hope the rest of your Friday gets better and that you have a great weekend!  xoxo