I have become the cautionary tale I always feared...

I have not posted or even visited OH in a very long time.  It's official...my WLS honeymoon is over (has been for a while) and I have returned to many of my former bad habits and out-of-control behaviours.  This was my BIGGEST fear pre-surgery.  I wasn't worried about the operation itself or the risks...just that I would revert back to doing all the awful things that caused my obesity in the first place. 

I had my RNY WLS in Nov, 2012.  SW was 230.  LW was 112.  CW is 134 :-(  When I reached my lowest weight, I kept telling myself that it was not sustainable.  Some people including the follow up medical staff said that I was a too low and "gaunt" looking.  But I bought tons of size 2 and size 0 clothes and was on an adrenaline high.  My mood and energy level was off the charts (in good ways). 

For the first six months after surgery, eating was not only difficult, it was without pleasure and I was never hungry.  I am not complaining...it was a WONDERFUL feeling to have.  No hunger and no cravings.  Gradually both returned and now they're back with a vengeance.  Over the past year my path has gone down the proverbial "slipperly slope".  It sttarted off that when I craved chocolate, I would indulge in a Reese's peanut butter cup.  Now I have a chocolate bar almost every day.  I eat muffins, cookies, scones, pretzels and other crap on a daily basis.  I eat healthy things too.  In fact, in the last 2 years I've eaten more veggies and fresh fruit than I have in my entire life.  I religiously have raw veggies and low fat cheese for my lunch each day, but then I go off the rails and eat stuff because I crave it, not because I'm hungry.  I wish I suffered from "dumping syndrome" but I don't; although I often feel uncomfortable and my heart races when I eat unhealthy foods.  But does that cause me to not reach for crap the next time?? No!!  I've been a vegetarian for 23 yrs and continue to be...the protein thing is a challenge but I certainly get enough between the low-carb protein shakes and bars, and beans, yogurt, etc.

There are other rules that I'm breaking too and things are out of control.  For the first 2 years post-surgery, I only drank protein shakes and water.  Now I've gone back to diet pop.  I thought it would be an occasional treat. I was kidding myself. Now I often drink it with unhealthy food!!!  I don't always wait 30 mins before or after a meal to drink.  That's another big no-no. 

For months I've been trying unsuccessfully to do the 5-day pouch test.  I found it easy to fast on protein shakes for 2 weeks pre-surgery, but do you think I can get through 2 lousy days doing it now?  Anyway, I'm trying again today and telling others (including everyone out there on OH) so that I'm more committed.  I really want my pouch to feel like it did after surgery.

I despise myself for allowing all my bad habits to take over my life again.  I swore that I could not let that happen, and it has. WLS was my final hope and I'm screwing it up big time.  I'm seeing an excellent psychiatrist and getting to the root of my eating issues, but knowledge does not seem to be a cure for them.  Day after day I engage in self-sabotaging behaviours.  And the more I do that, the worse I hate myself.  Hard cycle to break.

While I can't get back to 112 lbs, I want to weigh 120...that will make me feel in control and good about myself, and many of my clothes will fit again.  These 14 lbs seem almost as overwhelming as the 100+ that I lost.  (When I was big as a barn, and thin or average-size people would complain to me about gaining 10 lbs, I was flabbergasted and annoyed.  Now I understand their concerns.)

This was a long post.  Thank you for listening!!  Your input would be appreciated; I am open to receiving strong/harsh feedback.  I really need to turn things around quickly and permanently before things get any worse.

Everyone falls but you just have to get back up.  You seem aware of the issues and I wish you luck fixing them.  

It is funny but your cautionary tale is what I fear also.  I am so happy now  a year out, and I always worry about the future.  I find I can tolerate sugar more now and that worries me so I just stay away from it.  Also I am hungrier than before.  I try to just ensure I grab healthy or low calorie sugar free snacks...

I think the surgery being a tool is important and we need to constantly ensure we use the tool correctly for the remainder of our lives.  If we slip we need to get past it and get back to basics, which you seem to be doing.

Thank you for this post, I'm sure others will have advice.. but it's a sobering thought and something to think about. Seeing that I have such a long way to go still, I can't imagine fretting over 14 lbs, but I'm sure that someday I will. Good luck to you.

Thank you for posting and it sharing with such honesty.  Best of luck getting to your goal.

HIOM

You recognize what has happened, recognizing where you slid and are seeking help.

My best advice, is to go back to basics, start journaling again (food, activity, emotions).  Once you have written down where you are at, pick one small thing to change and work on that.  Once you have that down, pick the next small thing.  It may take time, but changing a little at a time is easier, and more permanent, than trying to change everything.

You can get the 14 lbs off, it won't be easy, but you can do it.

I'd also suggest going to a support group meeting/coffee night.  Helps to be around those who have been there.  Some people go to CBTs for their eating habits.  It could be an option.

I wish you well.

Cathy

Thank you for your honesty and openness about your last couple of years.  You seem aware of where you have gone wrong, and looking for help.  I hope you get it.  All I can say to you is that all is not lost (no pun intended).  You can do this.  You can regain control.  You've come so far already - try not and forget about the strides you've already made.  One day at a time.

I would call your centre and get some help for sure. At 2.5 years out, you are right, the honeymoon phase is well over. With that said, there are a few factors here. Most people do gain back at least 8% of the weight they lost by 5 years out. Most people also have a good 10 pound bounce back (putting yours at 122), by still maintaining the bariatric lifestyle. I asked my NUT at TWH last week how many people kept at their lowest weight after 4-5 years, and she said she didn't know of anyone. That low number is usually something everyone only sees briefly (maybe you can hang onto it between years 2 and 3). After 3 years people are finding it gets even harder to keep your old habits at bay. So how do they help themselves? They ask for it, which you did by coming here. Good on ya!

At my centre they have Mindful Eating courses. You can also request an appointment with the psychologist and maybe get some CBT information. We all swore that we would never go back to where we once came, and that was easy enough to do in the beginning when you didn't care about food. But slowly, but surely, we do care again. And we get fully healed from the surgery by 6 months out. Then we start being able to eat more (as we should...because we'd starve if we did this forever and malabsorbed forever). And we kept up with our new healthy habits for a long time. Some longer than others. But then, you try chocolate. You don't dump, you still lose weight (because you're still malabsorbing), so life is grand and you'll only indulge once in awhile. Then more and more...then the pounds start creeping on.

It's back to basics. Protein first, whatever way you can get it in. I would do at least one shake a day. Whey Isolate is best. Then get more tofu maybe into you, before carbs. Get moving more and you might find the weight drop off. You might not though. There is also the Set Point Theory that your body might want you to be at a certain weight. It's amazing what 10-15 pounds can do when you are at a normal size, isn't it? Don't listen to those who want you to get more weight on. Do what is right for you....as long as it's healthy. That's all that matters.

Good luck!!

You had years of poor eating to gain the weight. 2.5 yrs is not a lot of time to learn new habits. You post is a cautionary tale for people going into this surgery. It is not the easy fix. It is a lot of work.

I applaud you for coming here and posting. I wish you luck in finding a way to lose the weight you have gained. Others have given you some great ideas. Good luck

That took a lot of courage hun and I also applaude you for reaching out....this is all new to me and in early stages of thinking of doing it.....You are in the right place here and you CAN do it !!!   PLS just keep thinking of how you felt (how we feel now!!) when you were carrying all that weight before surgery !!  You can get this sorted :) Good luck!!  Go for it !!

I'm so sad reading your post - it could have been from any one of us. Your courage in coming back and facing your own demons is the best first step you could have taken.

If there is anything you need, whether it be nutrition advice or strategies for getting back on track or even just an ear to listen, please let us know how we can help.

Welcome home. xo