husband non supportive

ok ive sat on posting this question for weeks.  

my husband is not supportive of this.  its very hard for me to know that.  he doesn't like the way i look now., yet isn't supportive of the surgery either.  he has said its a shortcut and cheating.  although i really don't see it that way.  im actually putting myself first for the first time in many many years.  im not doing this for him or my kids or ... well anyone or anything.  just for me.  its for me.

but i know they want you to bring a support person.  my son supports me A LOT.  he thinks its amazing that I'm finally going to get help to achieve this.  he wants to see me healthy and happy.

ive given it a lot of thought about why people consider gastric bypass cheating or shortcutting it.  i don't consider having invasive surgery a cheat.  my husband has to take cholesterol pills to keep his levels down.  I suggested we throw out his pills.  He couldn't understand why.  I said, "well why would you cheat and take medication to control your cholesterol and eat 5 sandwiches a day?  if you want your cholesterol to stay down.. eat properly.  right?

obviously he didn't agree.  this is life saving for me.  I feel myself dying inside.  It is taking so long and its so frustrating for me to wait so long.. but ive seen others wait too.. well everyone does.  

i guess my question is .. has anyone had that problem with lack of support and still been able to go ahead with the surgery ?  

thanks

I wasn't quite in the same position as you, but my boyfriend was very hesitant when I first brought up the idea of surgery, even though it was my family doctor who suggested it. I ended up showing him a YouTube video by Lauren Vento called "Weight loss surgery before and after" -- I can't find the link on my tablet but it was easy to search. Anyways, I found she explained how I was feeling better than I could. We ended up watching it twice together.

Two days before surgery he said he felt I was taking the easy way out. I was a little shocked since I thought we were past that. I explained how much work I had done to get approved, all the counselling and nutrition classes I had taken to help fix my problematic eating, and following the clinics guidelines to make sure I was approved.

I made a pros and con's list to share with him. I focused on us wanting to have kids and me being a healthy mom who would live a lot longer with a higher quality of life. What really made it sink in for him was seeing me post-op in the hospital (with those nasty gas pains), measuring out 15ml of fluids at a time, having large bruises from the blood thinners, and panicking over fevers and infection my first week home. He began to see it wasn't easy, and it's not a quick fix.

We have had several good conversations since then, and I try my best to be honest with him about my struggles. I felt it was more important to educate and persuade him than to try and go it alone because in the long run it will be the two of us who are most impacted by my surgery. Since then he has offered to attend the local WLS support group with me, which I think would be very beneficial for us.

Meg~

I feel for you. I didn't have the same problem, but have faced that attitude of "taking the easy road". Ha!  So the few times (and really very few) times this has come up, I've pointed out a few things. Namely, that if people think going through all the testing, facing social workers/behaviourists/psychologists, digging into your issues, having various tests (sleep apnea, endoscopy, etc.), doing a liquids only diet for a month prior to surgery, having invasive gut re-organizing surgery, and learning to eat again including going through all the phases (clear liquids, full fluids, soft foods to eventually get to solids...just like a baby), and then working very hard every day to exercise, eat right, and face any other demons still lurking...well then, let them call that easy!!!  Wonder if they could do it?!!!  Easy...no. Might want to also point out that the research is all coming back that less than 5% of those who go on a diet are successful at keeping the weight off for more than five years. Most regain, and add a few pounds each time and repeatedly damage their metabolism in the process!  

Take your husband to the orientation and other appointments. It might help him understand. And then again, it might not. But you're right. This is for you. 

Good luck!

DD

Thanks for your email.  he wouldn't go to the orientation or my first surgeon appointment. but thank you both of you for your words of positivity. im going to take that with me when I meet my nutritionist, dietitian and nurse soon. 

But i agree, when you lay it all out like that, its far FAR from being a shortcut to the end. I kinda look at it as an angel's hand that I hold while I try for some independance of my issues, control over myself,self confidence and a new life with new goals, new obstacles and challenges I welcome.

This is not the easy road, too bad he doesn't see it. Maybe he's insecure about the potential outcome???

Good for you for taking the step, waiting seems long but will be here before you know it. I'm so glad your son sees the big picture, take him along as support. Do NOT let him discourage you, it's an unattractive quality unfortunately for him to hold. YOU, on the other hand, are in for: looking better, feeling better, eating better, moving better, etc etc so you DESERVE it.

I have good support around me, but for me, I was ok going to appts myself.

I have to say, this is certainly NOT the easy way out. I am almost 5yrs out now. I don't regret one single thing in my journey. My hubby was very supportive right from the beginning. He had some concerns but did not tell me, I heard from someone else. My hubby did ALOT of research for himself and knew what was going to happen. He knew the different risks involved and stuff.

Maybe your husband is afraid to lose you? Or maybe he already has but you both don't know it yet... Or maybe you feel it and he senses it, and this scares him (but of course men don't talk about that stuff).. Who knows.. These are good things to bring up at your SW meetings. They can guide you thru.

You could always bring a friend with you. I went with my gf when she had her RNY (her getting it done is one reason that pushed me to get it done). Or you can bring someone that has already had it done, someone you feel connected with, someone from OH maybe... We have been there.

What about connecting with a support group near you? There are many around. What area do you live in?

Just know that there are options. :D  

My hubby was not completely on board either.  He didn't stop me or try and dissuade me but he was hesitant because there was a co worker that had it done and he died from complications of the surgery. 

I'm a little over a year post op and he still doesn't say much...he never tells me that I look good or is encouraging and he had actually told me to stop losing when I got down to a size 12....I haven't listened to him and am a size 6. 

I'm not going to get any smaller but I feel his fear.  I guess we also have show sensitivity to the fears of our family and friends also.  It is their journey as well!

Hmm, Gastric Bypass cheating.  Yah, that sounds about right, from everyone who has no knowledge about what it's all about.  I know tell you that the surgery is a tool is like preaching to the choir.

Sounds like your husband needs to be more informed.  If you can't get him to appointments, what about trying to take him to a support group meeting/coffee night in your area.  Then he can meet people who've actually gone through this in a less intimidating setting.  Let him talk to people who are using this tool, and see what the new life includes.  It's worth a try.

I do wish you well on your journey.

Cathy

Going to the intial appointment would be good for him. My dh was supportive but I know as I lost issues came up. I had not worn my wedding ring for years because a stone was missing. I now wear a simple band because it makes him feel more secure.

My son was against it because of the fear of surgery. He was at the hospital when I went in and there when I came out. He is now I biggest supporter.

There can be many reasons he is not behind this and not necessarily what he is actually telling you. If he goes with you to orientation try to have a frank talk with him after about what his real issues are

thanks everyone for your comments.  my son came with to my orientation.  i went by myself to my first surgeon appointment.  I'll go by myself next week to my trio appointments.  I'm actually good with going without anyone.  I get this idea that they expect it.  

I have a social worker that I started working with a few years ago and in the last 6 months to already start dealing with my emotional attachment to food and its helping a lot and I'm having to deal with many things but its getting better to understand that.  she has suggested to be my support if i need it and she is as close as anyone could be in my life.  so im thinking of that.  

all of your comments were so helpful.