Spouse

hello everyone. 

I need some advice from someone who has had the surgery for a while. My husband is afraid of me getting the sugury. He is worried about how it's going to effect me in the future and about all the risks. I have done all my research and he has done some but something is holding him back from supporting me. At this point I don't know what to do or how to go about IT. Thanks so much 

I had surgery June 2012 I was 300+ lbs ..I had total support from my husband

in October 2012 he told me I was to skinny..I was still 200+ lbs

in November 2012 he told me I was to bony to f&$k ..he was rude and crude but I'll be polite... I was to bony to be intimate with

by january 2013 we were in separate bedrooms 

by February I told him it was over

it was him who changed not me..we were married 17 years 

sorry I could not be more positive 

I haven't had my surgery yet, but my husband and daughters weren't supportive at first. It took awhile but they are now on board. 

I am scared about having the surgery, but I am more scared of not having it. The health benefits will change my life. Hopefully my family comes alongside me.

I feel exactly like you...afraid of the surgery (only 5 days away now...yikes...) but afraid if what is certain if I don't have it. My husband is also severely overweight and is adamant he will never have the surgery and really did not want me to have it either. He can only focus on what he would have to 'give up' and I focus on everything I will gain.

He has come around to an extent and has finally become more open about his real worry...that I will lose all this weight and leave him. I'm wondering if your husband is afraid to vocalize something similar.

Good luck with your journey...

Many husbands have this underlying fear -- that we will lose so much weight, find our self-confidence, be more attractive to other men, and find someone else and leave them -- and yet they express that as fear that we will die on the table, or not be able to maintain long-term goals, or we will be too frail, etc. A plethora of "reasons" are expressed, but deep down, a lot of them fear we will leave them because WE changed.

I think talking to him might reveal some truths. And I think that bringing him to some of your appointments or encouraging him to express his feelings to you, or someone else, might help.

Wishing you well on your path.

Hmm, sounds like there's more going on. It's normal to be worried about the risks of surgery but what about the risks of being overweight? I think the other posters nailed it...his own insecurity. My hubby always tells me how sexy I am and is very vocal about being attracted to "curvy chicks" or "big girls". He is supportive of my WLS decision but has said "don't lose too much weight" or "I didn't marry a skinny chick" and will then laugh and say he's kidding. He's also said "watch you lose weight and leave me for some muscle head" I think that's his biggest fear. I do what I can to make him feel secure but honestly it's not our job. I'm going to work on me for a change and he'll have to work on him :) 

I am 5 years out and my husband has supported me through all of it and loved me when I was heavy and loves the new me

You need to understand we do change in so many ways. I am not around much because I am always training for a race but he accepts that and is glad that I am happy. You have the opposite sex looking at you way more than ever before and that can be hard on the spouse. They can be scared that you will lose your weight and no longer care about them.  He has a right to be worried because you are to change with the weight loss and he might be scared where that will leave him. He probably has read that the divorce right is high with this surgery. 

If you really do love him sit down with him talk to him. Let him know that you are doing this surgery to make yourself more healthy and tell him that there can be changes but you want him by your side and his support as you go through them. Get him to voice what he is scared of him maybe he is scared he is going to lose you.

Than the last part some guys only like big girls Not sure if this apply to him. I wish you all the best. Just remember you can not worry about the future you need to worry about today

Thank you everyone for your reply. I sat down and spoke to him, he is not afraid that I'm going to leave him which is good. He is afraid of the the risks I'm taking (the bad that could go wrong) and I'm not taking him or my daughter in to consideration about that. I have told him that I am listening and I understand his fear but if I don't get this weight off who knows what else could can go wrong 

I need to work on me but I feel so lost as to what to do. 

I have been married a long time. Surgery was just one of the many things we have had to work on over the years. My husband had become concerned for my health. My adult son was the one really against it because he didn't realise why I need this surgery. They are both very supportive now. So you need to focus on your health and why you are doing this. Perhaps take him to a support group meeting where he will see many people who have had the surgery and thrived. Or to your appointments at the hospital so he can ask questions.

When my significant other expressed fear about me having the surgery, I sat him down and told him:  "You can support me in having this surgery and the very small risk that something may go wrong, or you can watch me slowly fall apart and die from obesity."  I outlined how much pain I was in on a daily basis, and the fact my diabetes was barely controlled, that I was on 4 different BP meds, that I could hardly walk a block, etc.  Yes, there was a chance that something could go wrong during/after surgery.  But without it, it was DEFINITE that I would die slowly and probably painfully.

That conversation changed everything for him.

TES.