Selling myself short in the Dating world?

Late night thoughts as usual' I thought I would focus on me and only me, throughout this WLS journey, but lately, as of the holidays, I have seemed to feel extra lonely. If you've followed a few of my past posts, you'd see I had started to date, and still am. But man oh man, I have to say, dating is a full time job! I really don't know how people do it so frequently. (TIP post op) Pick a tapas restaurant.

I have only in my life ever focused on one person at a time, until now. Men are starting to show more interest, which is to be expected. Not only because of the weight loss, but also because of the newly found confidence I am reflecting.

OK, so here is what I am finding. In the past, as a bigger girl, in the online world, I found myself bypassing a lot of men because I simply thought they wouldn't be attracted. I found myself veering away from the healthier types who maybe displayed a love of fitness within their profiles, because let's be honest, lifestyle match is important.

And now, I have been out with four men over the last 5 weeks. And every single one of them want to see me again. While I have never had a big issue attracting men, for all of them to be interested, pursuing me aggressively, and sending me loving "I thought about you all night" messages is a big difference for me. This 100% dating success has never happened, and when it did, the men weren't being so bold in saying how much they want to be with me. I feel overwhelmed, and drained.

I didn't plan to date this much, and of the four men, I only did see two of them another time. But I don't know why I continue to see any of them. I know what it feels like to be in love, or to be filled with anticipation of seeing that person again, and I just don't feel it. I do not see a future with them, so I have now decided I am not going to continue on with any. I hate hurting people, and I don't think I have had to do this much rejecting in my life. It really sucks.

I didn't think WLS would change me, but well, maybe I have changed, and maybe I want more for myself. On this date, he said to me "Why me, why did you agree to go out with me, I really feel like you are out of my league" I couldn't believe he said that. But it got me thinking for sure. He works a crap job that displays he doesn't have that driven side to him, and that is unattractive to me, and physically he just really isn't someone I want to kiss. None of these men are overly attractive to me, aren't nearly as successful and driven, they're just kinda coasting through life, and just are not a good fit for me, but I honestly would bypass all of that, if feelings were there, but they aren't. I know I can overlook everything if he makes me feel something, but you just can't force yourself to feel for another in that way. 

Maybe I am only choosing men that I know won't reject me? Why am I continuing to sell myself short? Maybe I'm not ready for this.

Apologize for the novel...Dating is exhausting.

I have a long distance boyfriend in the US for 6 years now. We've met, we continue to meet as often as possible, and I love him to bits but...

In 6 years he's cheated on me. Numerous times. The last time was just over a year ago. He got an abrupt knock on the door while we were skyping, gave me a weak excuse about his landlord coming to the door for him to sign papers, and then he disappeared. I called his landlord, and the gentleman explained that he has just jumped into a grey car with a woman that appear to be his mother. His mother lives out of state and he has no sisters. I was heart broken to have to go through all of that again. I'm pretty sure that I stayed because I convinced myself that no one else would love a 370 lbs woman.

We don't see each other often because I'm a single mom of 3 and he works a minimum wage job. I have to call him and wake him up for work so he doesn't lose his job (he sleeps through alarms and stays up all night gaming. He turned down a manager position at work because it was "too stressful". Talk about no ambition! 

I have no idea what the future holds for me, but it has to be better than this. I initially signed up for WLS because I thought that if I looked and felt better, he would treat me better (he gets viciously angry over small things... he's just a super passionate guy). See even now, I make excuses for him /sigh

Seyenna, I say this with love, get the hell out of that toxic "relationship". The future is bright He obviously, is not. You AND your three children do not need to continue to be taken advantage of by this impetuous, "passionate" (HA, right.) child. No matter how fabulous you are (and you ARE) or become, he is not worthy.

Karen

Thank you Karen.. I'm sure I've said this before, but I have no close friends really, my family is not helpful, and really I've felt like I didn't deserve more or better. I didn't want to de-rail Jenn's post with my sob story, but I do know how it feels to be "awkward"... and alone.

You have to make the decision that you are worth it - before you will be able to demand respect. 

I hope you decide soon that you are worthy of love from someone who is worthy to love.

De-rail all you want, you need support with a real issue. You clearly need to talk to someone about the relationships in your life, not only with this "man" but also with others in your life who would traditionally be loving toward you and are not. We here can listen and even offer love and advice but your experience and approach to relationships coupled with your perspective that you are somehow not worthy of love and respect is well.... pretty disturbing, quite frankly. If therapy is something you would consider and have access to, please do consider it. xo

Hey Seyenna, I feel for your situation. I know what it is like to be with someone, and feel as though they do not love you. I can only speak for myself, when I say, I have also endured some relationships, where I knew I did deserve so much more than they were offering me, but just did not leave. And when they left me, I found myself begging for them to stay. For what? So that I could continue crying everyday? So my self esteem could deplete day by day when with them?

So I do think I can relate. After the end of my last long time, I took a long time off from men and dating, and stayed single. Was it lonely? Absolutely, but did it help me, DEFINITELY. It gave me a chance to reflect, and to figure out what I wanted, and did not. To try and understand why I did put up with the things I had. To see my past relationships for what they really were, toxic. To know that wasn't love, no matter how much I thought it was at the time. 

Your life is going to change so much over the next year. Take this time to work on you, your future will be better, trust that, believe that. He doesn't deserve you. 

XOXOX

Jennifer, yes you have changed...you have made a decision to put you first and with the new found confidence you no longer need to settle. I believe that health is definitely the reason we choose WLS but building confidence is right up there!

Before surgery it's common for most of us to feel that we shouldn't reject invitations for love as we feel a lack of confidence. Now you find that you can pick and choose OR rather wait for the right one!  

Dating is scary because it's a panel of a lot of wrongs BUT eventually with patience you will find a RIGHT. 

WHO KNOWS...you may already know him  enjoy the journey.  Don't look at it as a decision of who right now.  Just let it come naturally.  You will know  

rose xo

"Shouldn't reject invitations" That struck a chord with me, because I find myself feeling guilty for not being interested. I am all for letting ti happen naturally, I just won't force myself to feel for someone. I think you're right, I think I will just enjoy it, and try not to think so much, and when it is right' I will know.

Thank you! xo