Unrealistic Expectations

I'm not sure if I'm posting this as a random rant, or a good starting point for discussion. A few other posts on here about people stressed about not losing enough weight sort of set me off on this rant.

I'm not sure how realistic we really are when it comes to weight loss. I feel there are so many on here who were able to get down to what is considered a normal BMI, and thus the expectation is that everyone should be able to do that. I feel we are pushing ourselves to lose weight quickly, and thus are getting disappointed.

I'm not a good example as I had a complete meltdown in November and needed to see the behaviourist to be reminded on all my NSV's.

Another thing that set me off was that I went for my two year follow up and was asked at the clinic (by someone who had had surgery two weeks before) if I had had surgery yet. I have to tell you it took a lot of strength not to burst into tears right then.

I guess I'm worried that we're still so obsessed with the scale and creating a disaster for ourselves when we don't get down 10 pounds in one month, 50 pounds before our birthday, down to a normal BMI by our 1 year anniversary, etc.

O.k rant over.

I think this is a very important topic. So many times you see someone post that they feel like they are failing, when in reality, they have lost so much weight in such a short period of time...it is unbelievable.

I know when I was pre-op, we were always told that we would LIKELY lose 50-80% of our EXCESS weight. That does not guarantee a certain number on the scale. The clinic always said it was about how we feel and can we now do things that we couldn't do before because our weight was holding us back? They told me straight out that I would never reach a normal BMI (because they are unrealistic according to the clinic) and that I didn't need to in order to be successful in their eyes. Every person has to take into consideration their own medical history, how long they have been overweight, how overweight they are and their age. All of these things determine how much you may or may not lose.

I feel sad for people that get so stressed out because they don't reach a certain number by a certain date or reach that specific final goal. Every persons body loses at its own pace and pattern. We cannot specifically say that we will lose X amount of weight by X date during the first year, as far as I am concerned. It isn't all in our control yet.

When my clinic asked me what I would like to weigh when I was done...I had no idea what to say...I had been overweight my whole life....had no idea what a good weight would be for me. So, I said, how about between 150-180? I thought that a range might be a healthier way of looking at it and I was thinking that I remembered weighing around 180 in high school and that that might not be too bad. For me to lose 50-80% of my excess, I needed to weigh between 166-206, so, they thought my goal was a good goal for me. I have been bouncing back and forth between 160-165 for about 6 weeks now and I am happy with that. Sure, I didn't reach 150 but I did manage to get below the 180, so, that is good enough for me. I can now do so much more stuff in my life....that is what is important, not the number on the scale.

I do keep an eye on the scale, just to keep me in check, but I don't stress about the number on it, even when it goes up and down. I know that is normal for your body.

Hopefully, this post will help some people that are stressing out there...remember, the number on the scale is just that, a number. It doesn't say that you workout at the gym 5 days a week, that you are a great parent that can now do all kinds of activities with your kids or that you are a great partner that is more involved with your partner in all aspects of life. It doesn't tell you how you feel with all of your new found energy and ambition to try things you always wanted to, but, couldn't because you were too heavy or just plain embarrassed by your weight. It is just a number that doesn't need to define you and all that you can do!

 

Hi Katie,

I appreciate your rant. I am still waiting for surgery and sometimes I get scared when I see all the folks who've had the surgery so upset because they are not losing enough....I see you have done amazing!!

My Goodness  as much as I would like to think I will be 140 pounds someday...the truth is I have not been 140 pounds since I was 14 years old! I am 53 and it is not realistic for me  to believe I can get there....I am not going to stress myself out if I cant... If I can get down to where my body is comfortable which is about 170 I will be more than happy....I imagine to some  people that would still be FAT...but to me it is OK..

I am sure many other people feel the way you do. I have only known 3 people personally ( co-workers and friends ) who have had WLS and none of them have gotten under 150....but they are happy....they are comfortable....they are living and not morbidly obese anymore...

I sure don't want to be unrealistic about my expectations...and I don't want to cut myself short either....its hard to know what life after WLS will be like....I pray and hope that I will  be healthy and comfortable in my own body...

Thanks for ranting is such a "nice " way :)

 

Yep, good opportunity for discussion.  While this forum is really helpful and informative, it can also create a competitive environment for those of us who have it in our natures to be at the front of the pack.  This WL journey is so individual and yes, there are commonalities most of us go through like hair loss, and all those NSV's yet we are all unique and 'found'  our weight  over varied times and reasons so to expect we can pigeon hole ourselves into a pattern and common outcome  in loosing the said weight is unrealistic.  

I myself will be pleased, if 3 more years down the road I can say I've maintained my weight within a 10 pound range and I can live within this weight realatively easily and I am not consume by my profile 24/7.  That is how I will measure success.

So maybe, for personal happiness we need to determine our own measurments of  achievement

While I can only speak for myself, yes I did have expectations when i had this surgery. I thought I'd have lost a certain amount by a certain time with hard work and following the plan. I admit, in my last post, i was a bit disappointed when i didn't reach the goal I had set out to lose. To me, 10lbs a month is not unrealistic. If I had hoped for 20 lbs or so, now that's unrealistic especially at 7 months out but, some people have managed to do that. I don't think there's any harm in setting goals and trying to achieve those goals. Yes as a human being I get upset when i strive to achieve something and it does't work out the way I planned but you move on because staying upset is not going to change anything. Just like if a student who works hard for an A ends up getting a B, of course there is going to be some disappointment. I can also rant and express my frustrations because it's normal. 

I feel as someone who had to resort to have WLS, I have to set myself goals and expectations to be successful. Not caring before about my weight and ignoring what I used to eat and how much I exercised got me to over 400 lbs and I never want to go back to that place again and I will continue to push myself as much as I can to reach my goal because that was the whole purpose of me having this surgery. Just because I complain about how slow I'm losing doesn't mean i don't realize how far i've come. I know I'll never try to be a size zero because my body type is not built like that. I personally have a fear of regain or not losing 'enough' for my own gratification.

I don't own a scale because I don't want to obsess over the numbers every time i set on it but hell, if i don't see what i expect next time I step on one, i am gonna flip. I guess this journey is an individual one and everyone reacts uniquely to when it comes to the numbers. 

I can relate to this post in a way that some may not understand .... My center is pleased with my loss all be it slow..... I struggle with it I admit I wanted it to be so very different.  It's really hard to not compare yourself to others and it's hard to see other surpass your loss even if your center says good job.  I'm not sure it's been written here but I may have heard the saying slow and steady wins the race, and just maybe my body is in it for the long haul.  At least I'm hoping that's true but I have read that you should not waste your window of opportunity so I keep at it but dam this is hard. And unfortunately.... Harder reading how others are beating themselves over losses that I would be pleased a*****h to be experiencing.  So.... I work at giving my body what it needs, move as much as I can and limit the number of comparisons I make as they do not help me to love myself like I deserve to love myself.

I have often thought that (some) people place unrealistic weight loss goals on themselves. Bodies are different and for the most part, do what they want. It's difficult to put the weight losses into perspective at times - we're excited, hopeful, focused and yearning for "normal". Sometimes we forget that all of this is going to take time and patience with ourselves. It took a long time to put on all of the extra weight - it's going to take a long time to take it all off. It took me well into my third year post-op to hit what I considered "goal weight". It was a long road but I thankfully didn't put unrealistic expectations on myself - I let it happen, stuck with my program and had patience. It worked.

And then there's maintenance and the different challenges that brings. And then there's life - this truly is for life - the watching, the measuring, the tracking... this doesn't stop once you hit "goal". You learn to set new goals to maintain what you've accomplished.

I always remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

I had to drop my expectations in January when my weight loss slowed waaaaay down. I'd only had surgery in October, so it was not expected at all. I was following the eating plan, doing a decent enough amount of exercise, but I wasn't losing what I thought I should be. It was a few weeks of stressing myself out, worrying about how I'd probably be failing at yet another weight loss attempt. And then after a lot of journalling and trying to be gentle with myself, I let it all go. I will lose weight the way my body wants to. As long as I know in my heart that I am following the meal plan, getting my walks in every day, doing a bit of weight lifting to try and tone up, and keeping my eye on the prize, I will get there. And according to TWH I am right on track with what they expected I would lose. So all the stress was for nothing. 

It's a life changing event and we want instant results, or at least results that will change everything in a short amount of time. But it's only about hard work and diligence, and a lot of patience with ourselves. We can't listen to what anyone else says, opinions on how much we should have lost or why haven't we lost more, unless it's coming from the professionals we have put our trust in to guide us through this. Being gentle with yourself goes a long way. Being gentle yet firm, as it's not an excuse to carb load or go back to sugar. Setting goals is of course great, but when we don't hit some arbitrary number target we've set and yet are still losing weight, it's much better to congratulate ourselves on what we have accomplished instead of focusing on what we didn't. 

I just think we need to all cut ourselves some slack sometimes. Mentally, not with food or not exercising etc. But just remembering that this is a process that isn't going to be quick, and it's lifelong. Weight will be there with us forever. We will always be avoiding sugar, watching our carb intake, trying to get our exercise in. And there will be minor setbacks, some regain, etc. We just have to keep pushing forward. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway!

Hey there,

I did like your rant. I really hate the BMI scale and I feel like I perpetuated with my recent post. I will say that I've never really had an expectation of where I would be. I was never really asked by my clinic what I hope my weight will be.  I have learned a lot of from one of the athletes at my gym - who is super fit etc etc. He said ' your body will do what it will do" so you might not have a flat tummy, but you might get great calf muscles, you might not get slim thighs but you might get something else" Just keep doing what you are doing - accountable about your food and working hard. so I since I've heard that - I have given in to what my body will become and be good with it. Being ok with me inside and out is what is making me the most happy. I knew there was a person who wanted to be more physical on the inside and I wanted my inside to come out...and it has! I think we didn't struggle, we wouldn't be here in the first place. Give yourself some credit!! Keep working it!! All the best moving forward.

As people who have been on the diet roller coaster for much of our adult and maybe even teen or childhood years, I think many of us are used to failure in the weight loss realm and that is why we have high (and maybe unrealistic) expectations for ourselves.

I bet most everyone on this forum can say they have tried 2, 3, 4......100 different weight loss programs, had some success, but ultimately failed at keeping it off. That is very trying on the soul. It is hard to fail at something you view as being so important for yourself. There is also the disapproval from society, including our friends and family; "All you have to do is make up your mind to eat less." Yes- it's that simple in some people's minds. I know that in the past I've been on diets and told my friends and family all about my success only to have it blow up in my face when I gained it all back. Having to deal with that shame is awful.

My point is that with WLS, there is a certain amount of pressure that we are dealing with whether real or believed: pressure from ourselves, from our loved ones, from our clinics and doctors. I know that I have thought to myself "If this surgery doesn't save me from obesity, then nothing will" and it is hard to swallow the fear that you may be beyond saving. This surgery feels like a last-ditch effort, the end of the line, the crunch time, and no one wants to have to say they failed to lose the weight, especially after going to such extreme lengths to do so.

IMO, that is where the stress and number obsession comes from. That number becomes the measure via which many people perceive their failure or success, no matter what else has been accomplished through the journey. If you can allow yourself to measure your success in more ways than just that number, then you can learn to forgive yourself, and that is what I think a lot of use need to do.

I know that for me, I am far to critical of myself. I take failure very badly. I can't even forgive myself little things. When I feel like a failure, I tend to adopt an "all or nothing attitude", and then sabotage myself. It's a dangerous game.