Eating, depression

I have been gone from the froup awhile now
But here i am again needing support. I will try focus on support not on seeing all the newbies comment about their weightloss. I get frustrated and angry at myself when i see others loosing weight , jealous that i want to be that person.
In the last year i gained about 20lbs that i am struggling to loose. I have body dysmorphia cant stand looking in mirror because all i do is be negative about my body which i am working on.
This is not an easy journey and that its an understatent. I guess i never truly knew how bad my eating and my brain and emotions and feelings where all that stuff you have no idea about untul you have surgery and it all resurfaces. And it just leaves ya like what the heck a d full of every emotion in the world and trying to deal with it all its a struggle a battle a huge war.
I have few good days where i have the eating under control where i look in the mirror and i rejoyce in what i have accomplished.
The girl i was almost 4 yrs ago no longer the same. Even two years ago i was happy and conquering my emotional mental body and physical battles today i cant say the same.
I am angry at myself for not being able to conquer my battles i am lonely within myself , frustrated, somedays angry hopeless.
This by far has been the hardest thing i have encounteres in my life and as the journey continues i feel i am going downwards not upwards, although my journey start it on top of the world slowly that has changed.
I will be 4yrs out rny in june. I have been battling depression since september.
Just found out sunday i dont dump on sugar. Dont know why but i ate some cake and disnt dump. Its a horrible thing to know, i can eat more now than even a few months ago. And some days i binge all day or grace whichever you want to call it.
Start it on cipralex almost three weeks now. Starting feel a bit happy but i feel a high i dont know if thats why am eating so much or what.
I am trying to gain control but i am failing. I am not anxious or stressed i dont understand why last month and now last few weeks my eating is so bad.
I even ordered a small pizza thursday ate all but two slices.
Part of me wants to be sick and dump and get the foamies. I was sick few times i guess i feel i need that to control me.
I been going therapy once a week since november. Today noon i see her we all know what subject will be today.

I dont speak about it in depth to friends or family because they dont understand they all say you can do it , just dont eat bad things, go to the gym again. No one really understands that is a mind battle. I am an addict a food addict. Irony of it all i wish i could quit food cold turkey!! I struggle everytime i sit for a meal or a snack or watch a food commercial or even have a thought about food all of that is a battle. I dont even understand myself most days. I am tired of friends saying stuff so i dont really share my feelings with them.
I am here venting and had made me feel relief to let it out. Hope today is a better day. Although i just ate 3 regular chocolates in bed.

I am sorry you are having these problems. Try to focus on all the weight you lost. You are still smaller than you were before. If you can go to a support group. People there will understand what you are going through. Hope fully the therapy you are getting has a CBT component to help you change your patterns. Even at 2 yrs out I fight some of these battles. I wish you luck

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but am glad that you are seeking therapy.  Be honest with your therapist, if you don't think that you are getting anywhere with the path that you have chosen together, perhaps you can discuss a new path to take.  If you don't feel a connection with this therapist, perhaps you need to try a different one.  It's OK, not everyone connects together the same way, it doesn't mean you are going to a bad therapist, just maybe it's not the one for you.

You don't mention it, but are you still journaling?  Not just food and activity, but also your emotions.  Last spring, I went to marriage counseling as I couldn't handle how my relationship was.  What I found out then, was that there was nothing left to salvage in my marriage, so it ended up in a separation.  I am going to counseling again, this time to help me deal with the emotional backlash from his side of the family.  One of the things that have been suggested to me (and for my kids too) is to have a journal/diary.  It has nothing to do with eating, it's just to put my emotions in it.  It was suggested that I write each day, and in each entry start with 3 things I'm thankful for.  While I haven't actually started writing, I do try to think of 3 things I'm thankful for each day.  I would suggest you do something similar.  Writing your emotions down does help you, I've done it in the past and know this.  Just haven't had time to find a book to start with.

As for the actual eating, for the next week, write everything you eat, drink and do.  After the week, take a look at what you did, and look at where you want to be.  List what you need to change, then take one thing from the list and work on it.  Once you have completed that goal, go to the next one.  Start with an easy one.  I'll use the example of water.  Say you are drinking 4 glasses per day.  Your goal could be to increase it to 5 glasses per day, then 6 and so on until you reach 8.  This won't be quick, and you won't be perfect every day, but that is OK, as long as you are working on your struggles.  We are all works in progress.

I wish you luck, and if you ever want to talk, I'll listen, just PM me.

Cathy

Hi there,

I was tempted to respond to you earlier in the day but held off til I got home as it's so much easier to take the time and compose my thoughts on a computer than my phone.  You really deserve lots of support and hugs - and I hope that you will find the supports you need - whether here, in your community or wherever your travels take you.

I will say that at almost 8 years out, I have been where you have been.  I know the feeling well - that out of control feeling and the crying on the scale.  It's a tough, long road when you are dealing with the loss of the high of the first couple of years when weight loss and eating were easy and almost mindless in some respects.  This is a hard journey long term and as far as I can tell, you are going through what many of us have gone through. 

First thing, please don't be so hard on yourself.  There's a certain "bounceback" that by far and large, most of us go through. You have accomplished so much - please don't take away the victory of what you have done and what you have accomplished.  Try not to beat yourself up - you've done enough of that and it doesn't help.  Know that you are pretty normal to have the bounceback. Know that you are very typical - this is much harder longer out.  Myself, I really only feel like I'm getting it now - how to deal with things foodwise - but let me tell you that EVERY DAY can be a big struggle.  EVERY day.  Some days, I lose and most days I win....and as long as I don't give in, keep up the fight, and keep resiliant, I can win this battle.  But i know that feeling of being bummed because food is winning.

I really encourage you to contact your centre. Often they have mental health professionals to help us with our struggles.  I know you mentioned therapy -- not sure if it is someone that knows food issues -- but at least leat your centre know what you are dealing with -- this will decide what funding they might need for programs in the future.  I know Windsor's program has a psychologist, psychiatrist etc.  Take use of the professionals.  Is your therapist good?  If not, perhaps there's an eating disorder program in your neighbourhood.  You are struggling with self-image and it is more than likely all related in some aspect. 

Not sure if your therapist deals with cognitive behavioural therapy? if not, you could always get a library book on it and learn to work on your "Self talk" to yourself about your skin, about your body. You need to develop the healthy ways of talking to yourself and that takes a lot of practice and time. I'm STILL working on it.  Attend your local support group.  Find mentors that have dealt with it - or at least, people that you can talk to.  Have you thought about surgery?  You might not be able to get it all done but maybe a panni would help a bit? Just an idea. I know that I focus on my stomach like crazy.  I'm going for the tummy tuck and hoping that maybe it will help me deal with the skin as well.  Realistically, I know it's not for everyone though.

>>>>>>This is not an easy journey and that its an understatent. I guess i never truly knew how bad my eating and my brain and emotions and feelings where all that stuff you have no idea about untul you have surgery and it all resurfaces. And it just leaves ya like what the heck a d full of every emotion in the world and trying to deal with it all its a struggle a battle a huge war.

I make a point to tell people about this. There is this misconception that if I just get to "x amount of lbs or size 8" things will be okay, my life will be better and I'll like myself more.  So true. I was far less critical of my body at 290 lbs than now.  This is so true and I hope that others will learn from what you are saying. The HEAD STUFF is HUGE< HUGE< HUGE!!!    I am an "all or nothing" thinker and have realized long term post surgery that I'm also a binge eater.  No one really warned me about the eating issues. I just always mistakenly thought I "just liked" food. Do you know how many people I've talked to that had no idea until they were a year or two out that they had an eating disorder? A LOT.  Maybe you have a similar issue and need to get help. I don't know you...I just know me...and it's taken a very long time to figure out my eating issues and to deal with them.  I'm a constant work in progress. You are too!

>>>>I have few good days where i have the eating under control where i look in the mirror and i rejoyce in what i have accomplished.

This is a GOOD THING. WE need to have more of those days.  Even getting a "gratitude" journal or book might help with your mind.  I work on this constantly.  Remember, even when your eating is rough...if your GOOD DAYS outnumber your BAD days, it is a victory.  The number one thing that seems to define a success or a failure, is the ability to pick yourself up when you fall - resilance.  The more you pick yourself up after a bad day or week, the more you'll be able to combat the demon.

Have you talked to your doctors about meds? I wonder also if you have a chemical imbalance going on too? Have you had  your blood work levels done lately too? When things are "off" it can also worsen depression (like vitamin d levels).

IF you are a binge eater (not sure if you are) I have a little facebook group where we all check in daily and talk. ..just message me if you need anything like that...

Other than that, just please take care of you.  There's going to be lots of "falls off the wagon".  You CAN win this...just gotta keep getting back on and setting new goals. 

Hugs to you!! Message me anytime if I can help. 

Dawn

 

thank you for what you said i am feeling the same way for about 2 yrs now i am on meds to help with my depression and see a physicatrist i try a little each day to get everything i feeling under control and get my weigh loss restarted i have gain 50 lbs since my rhy 4 years ago. it helps to know other people are feeling and struggling like i am.

Maybe try Overeater's Anonymous?  

http://www.oaontario.org/

 

I am glad you came here to vent. What you are going through is far from unusual. I suffer with depression and have an eating disorder that was under control for over a year before surgery. I lasted one year post op before I gave into my emotional need to binge. I have regained as well and am taking it a day at a time to get my eating back where it needs to be. One step for me is cleaning the house of carbs and sugar (I live alone so this is not hard for me to do) and doing a carb cleanse. I eat high protein like chicken and steak and fish and some vegetables but no fruit, bread, pasta, etc. This quickly stops the cravings.  It is hard and takes about 5 days of clean eating but is worth it. Sometimes a do a day or two of just protein drinks.  I find it shrinks my stomach so that protein fills me and gives me good satiety.

Feel free to email me if you like. I am in Mississauga and if you are anywhere near we can meet up if having someone to talk to freely would help.  I see you are in London but I would be willing to call you if you would like.

There are some great books out there that might be of help.  Have a look on Amazon an then order through your library to see if you like the book before you buy.  I like books by Susan Albers.