Last minute jitters...is that what this is? Long post

After my last post, sure enough, I got the call last week to book my pre-op education class and to meet the surgeon (Dr. Mamazza) September 11th and Oct 7th. I was excited for the call but not as excited as I thought I would be. In fact, as the hours and minutes passed after the call I started feeling this build up of anxiety and nerves followed by second thoughts. It’s becoming more real and the risks and fears of the surgery for some reason are becoming more prominent in my head. It’s not like I haven’t researched this surgery to death (excuse the pun at the worst of times) and all its associated risks and complications etc etc….but I always came to the same conclusion…”I need this surgery, I need the help” ….but now I’m apprehensive. I keep reminding myself I’m healthy, I’ve had two nurses tell me at the OWMC based on my blood work and various tests that I’m one of the healthiest fat people to walk through their doors (is that a compliment??) anyway, I feel good that this is on my side going into this, but I’m still scared. I read earlier this week on OH that Dr. Mamazza has performed about 800 surgeries and has had 2 deaths (no other details were given)….the idea of writing a will freaks me out too, especially losing my mom this year and two aunts in the last month….its a lot to deal with. Naturally…all I hear is 2 deaths then can’t help but think about the kind of luck I have…where is that suppose to leave a girl?

 On another note, I also read on this site a couple months ago someone who was ‘playing the devils advocate’ in a thread and I will never forget what he said, he said “whether we want to admit it or not, we are doing this because we want to look better” more or less, sure being healthier is a perk too but ultimately its our vane alter-ego that is lurking behind our decisions to do this….that comment struck me a lot….and ya know I can’t help thinking there has to be some truth to what he said….so I find myself wondering….why am I doing this… I mean really doing this….do I just want to look better or is it for all the reasons I tell those (who are privileged enough to know what I’m embarking on)…and that is that I just want to live and for once experience life without weight holding me back. Frankly, I’m tired of seeing my 17 month old son go on bike rides with his dad with his cute little helmet in the baby seat while I watch from the kitchen window….knowing that I have a mountain bike too just collecting dust….being too afraid to sit on it without destroying the frame or flattening the tires. Tired of scanning chairs wondering if I will fit in them…and just doing things I’ve never been able to enjoy before…I really just want to start living…at least more than what I am doing now, which doesn’t feel like a lot. I’m not saying I do nothing right now because that’s not true, I do live life, I work, I rest and I play but beneath it all, it still feels substandard. Any how, I hope this doesn’t come across as depression as I don’t feel that’s the case, just feel like sometimes I’m watching from the side lines as many of you have put it before.

I know its normal to some extent to start freaking out, after all everyone tells me its going to go very fast now and that I most likely will be on that table by end of October…so hard to believe that this part of the journey is coming to a close…its like approaching the vortex being the surgery itself praying that you survive the vortex to reach the “other side” that you only hear others talk about.

Oh and one last thing…why do so many women have to be “*****es”….ugh…it really grinds my gears. So I have this one friend who knows and she gave the impression that she was behind me 100% from the start….but just the other day when I shared with her the news of my appointments…she all of sudden says….”isn’t this the surgery where you can gain all your weight back”…WTF…are you kidding me lady….really…that’s what you’re going to say! Mind you, I must say her true colors are starting to come out these days….I got my hair done a few weeks ago and received nothing but compliments about how it suited me and took years off my face etc etc…I was feeling good about myself, even started to notice some attention from the opposite sex….she happened to be there one evening as we were all standing around and she starts cutting me up in front of everyone about how black women (I’m malatto sp?) usually wear light colors for make up to compliment their skin (ya cuz she’s a freaking expert in black peoples skin)….I knew where this comment was coming from, because that day I decided to put on eye make up which always makes my eyes more noticeable and I did the shadowing technique….anyway this girl was seriously hating on me. I may not be skinny like her but I know I have other things she doesn’t….I can’t help but wonder how she’s gonna handle me post-op….or better yet, how I’m gonna handle her! Damn women and their hating ways! Thankfully they don’t account for all of usJ

I can telling you being 2 1/2 weeks post op everything you are feeling is completely normal. I have a 2 year old and a husband and got so nervous about the surgery as it was getting close.

I can tell you this, you will be nervous all the way until after your surgery is over but I can also tell you this will be the best decision you have ever done.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.

Thanks Michelle:) and PHEW!

I keep reminding myself I’m healthy, I’ve had two nurses tell me at the OWMC based on my blood work and various tests that I’m one of the healthiest fat people to walk through their doors (is that a compliment??)

Yes, it's a compliment.  I can share with you that I, too, was a healthy, fat woman *at your age*.  I'm guessing you are late twenties/early thirties.  No joint problems, nothing metabolic, a healthy, fat woman. In my thirties and my forties, even.

Until ... the ticking time bomb caught up with me.  Years of yo yo dieting (I could lose weight very successfully, up to 90 pounds at least three times over the years, and lots of lesser amounts, 30 pounds here, 45 pounds there).  What I could not do was keep it off.

And, tick tock, tick tock ... diabetes, high cholesterol, wonky triglycerides, medications to manage diabetes, the protocol of blood pressure medications to protect my kidneys, heart problems up to and including ablation surgery at the Heart Institute, ahh, sleep apnea, unable to feel my feet or lower legs due to diabetic neuropathy, early onset cataracts, long term depression, the peri-menopause from hell, bla bla. 

I became an unhealthy fat woman eventually, limited by my weight, on two kinds of insulin, three oral medications for diabetes, etc. etc.

Had I the opportunity to have this life altering surgery at your age, with what I know now, I'd have done it in a heartbeat (pun intended).

One, much older, now healthy, woman's experience.

Thanks for your message and for the reality check! yes I am 35 soon to be 36. One can't help but fall into the disillusion of being healthy and fat...thinking its possible to always remain this way. Maybe that's why its harder for me to accept that its come to this knowing that I don't have such issues as you mentioned. That said, I'm sorry you had to suffer through all that even though it sounds like you turned out healthier  and better from having the surgery. Secondly, thank you for being so honest and up front. You gave me a lot to think about it.

Completely normal to second guess yourself.  And I don't really think most of us do this for the aesthetics!  I think we do it because we want to re-join life again and to be healthy.  You said so yourself -- that you're tired of not being able to have fun with your child!  The looking good part, in my opinion, is a great side benefit, as is the boost in self-confidence! 

I had Dr. Mamazza for my surgery just over a year ago.  He is one of Ottawa's top surgeons.  I know they transferred my file to him because I had a very high BMI (approaching 60) -- and he takes on the potentially more difficult cases.  Luckily, I had no other major issues, and surgery was a piece of cake.  So I have a lot of confidence in this surgeon, and the others in Ottawa.  At the end of the day though, there are always risks to any major surgery.  These you have to weigh (pun intended) for yourself.

I can tell you that a little over ten years ago I considered getting weight loss surgery.  I decided to try to lose weight on my own yet again.  I'm sure you can guess how that ended up:  worked for a while, then regained everything and more.  So yes, I wish I had made the decision to have surgery ten years ago -- I would have regained my life that much sooner.  As it is, I had surgery a little more than a year ago.  I've lost more than my current weight.  I'm healthy.  I can walk kms and kms without getting tired.  I do kickboxing.  I'm a regular at the gym.  I've started traveling again (and enjoying it).  All in all, I'm super-happy with my decision!

As for that "friend" of yours...doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.  Yes, there are people like that.  You need to recognize them for who they are and either accept them, or kick them to the curb, because they will only bring you down.

Good luck with your decision.

Cheers,

DD

Wow, that is so reassuring to hear about Dr. Mamazza!!!! In all honesty what I am also getting out of your message is that just because so many of us have failed in past attempts doesn't mean we will fail after having this surgery. I have always pondered this...wondering what will be the difference this time around for me. I've heard some say its less daunting trying to lose a few pounds of regain at lets say 150lbs than it is at 290lbs etc. this makes sense to me....but I also did Dr. B once and like youreself lost 70+ lbs only to gain it all back and then some....I plan on working this all out and will be seeking theraphy along the way as I just want to make sure I'm doing all I can to ensure my long term success.  Again, thank you for your message!!! BTW...Omg you look fabulous! Many many congrats to you DD:-)

Dear LeeLeewaysin,

I'm very sorry to hear about your Mother and Aunts passing.  No wonder you are feeling the pre-op jitters.  But, try not to fear, we all get them.  I know I did and everything turned out just fine for me.  There are risks, and possible complications, but we know that our health would be in a much worse state sooner or later if we didn't have the operation.  I think it's the best thing I've ever done for myself.  If the nurses told you that you were very healthy in comparison to most people having your surgery, then they were trying to reassure you that you will do well in the OR and afterward.

In regard to your other question - why do so many woman - like your 'friend' - have to be *****es?  I don't know.  Perhaps jealousy?  Perhaps because you are now the centre of attention with all the talk about surgery, and will no doubt be receiving more attention and compliments after surgery?  Perhaps because they fear that you will become thinner than they will and they will be the largest in the group?  Perhaps because they have never had a real weight problem in life and have never had to lose more than 10 or 15 pounds, or less and think you are 'taking the easy way out'?  Maybe they are just *****es? 

Why would your friend care what colour clothes you wear, or whether you put on make up?  That's just plain crazy?  She sounds like she's jealous and afraid that yes, you "have other things she doesn't", and relies on her thinness to feel superior to you... maybe? 

Jenn.  :)

Hi Leeleewaysin,

As to your question about what will be different this time, the surgery is a tool, and gives us a huge headstart.  That's the advantage of the surgery. 

At the end of the day however, if you don't change your eating patterns, deal with your head issues, and don't start healthy habits like exercise, then indeed, you may regain (and a lot).  And if you stick your head in the sand with regard to regain, rather than dealing with 10 or 20lbs of regain, you could end up regaining a lot more back.  For us, I think we will always have to be vigilant after the surgery.  That's my plan anyway!  The changes I've made will hopefully help with that -- but talk to me again in a year....I'll let you know how it's going!!

Take care!

DD

LeeLeewaysin - I have my surgery coming up 3 weeks here in Ottawa and I know how you feel.  I have researched this, joined a local Facebook group and have made some great people who are at different stages - whether it be pre-op or post-op.  The support, from people who are going through the same thing and "gets me" is what is helping me right now. 

Every appointment I have made, I am like " OMG ... I am that one step closer".  I am ready and I know I will have a few "*****es" in my life as well, who have questioned why I am doing this and will probably tell me when I reach their weight, that I have lost enough.  Those aren't "true friends".  

Good luck !!!!