Not a FAILURE, but it has been a tough 1 year

December 12th was my two year surgiversary. The first year after WLS was awesome. I had no problems related to the surgery. I followed all the rules and lost 135 pounds.On top of the world and feeling great. But.......(there is always that but in there)I lost both of my parents seven weeks apart at about my one year anniversary mark. Those of you that have followed me know how very difficult this has been for me.

I started reverting back to old habits. Mainly eating for comfort. At first it was a little bit here and a little bit there. I watched it pretty close for the next 6 months. In June of 2009 I started having major deppresive episodes and really started abusing carbohydrates in the form of lots of sugar and snack items. Stopped eating my protein first and so on and so on....You get the picture. I have always been the type of person that once I introduce the bad carbs back into my system I have a heck of a time stopping them. I relate myself equal to what happens to an alcoholic once they have that first drink. There is no turning back.

I have now surpassed the first anniversary of my parents death. I have endured many first without them. By that I mean their fist birthdays, the first Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, My Birthday, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, their wedding anniversary, and numerous others.

Okay drum roll..........damage done.......... A gain of 24 pounds.
I am down about it because I wasted a whole year, but I know I am not a failure. I know it's time to pick myself up, before more damage is done. To this date I have not broken all the rules. I still have not had rice, pasta, or carbonation. I am strongly adament about not having these things because in my mind I know if I do, then that means I have broken all the rules and therefor I would consider myself a failure.

If only I would have not had that first bite of unforbidden carbs I would be at goal or below by now. I ask myself, if you are stong enough to refrain form rice, pasta and carbonation, then why are you not strong enough to just say no to the other items? My only conclusion is "because I have allready tried them" The mind is a funny thing, because having WLS didn't change my mind and bad habits. It would be so awesome if it did.

To make a longer story shorter I know what I need to do. I have the tool I need and it still works. It has come the time for no more excuses. I still miss my parents and I know I will for a very long time. I also know that they would not have wanted me to self sabotage my self the way I have since their deaths. My Dad was so very proud of me for what I had done. Unfortunately my Mother wasn't in the right frame of mind to know that I had finally done what she had been encouraging me to do for so long. She was actually my motivation to have WLS. After watching her for numerous years suffering from being a diabetic, and her problems with coronary heart disease, as well as having her leg amputated, I came to realize that I did not want my children and grandchildren to have to endure with me what I had witnessed with what were my Mother's final years.

I know that the rest of my life will be a constant battle with food addiction. However, I have not given up. My God is an awesome God, and I know that only by his grace I will not become a failure. He is my friend and picks me up when I am down. I believe what I believe and that makes me what I am. I would like to ask that whomever reads this, please take time to say a little prayer for my strength as well as yours.

I know that I haven't been on the boards much at all the last year. I have been on enough to know alot of us that started together ,or pretty close, are missing as well. I hope each and every one of you are doing well. I still work at the Bariatric Hospital (we have a new name) Summit Medical Center. I still love being an advocate for WLS. Have a blessed and successful New Year. Hugs!!!!! Rita

I FEEL FOR YOU RITA! I TOO AM AT WAR WITH MYSELF. I HAVE STARTED GRAZING A BIT AND THEN I HATE MYSELF AFTERWARDS! BUT THEN I PICK MYSELF BACK UP AND GET BACK TO BASICS TIL NEXT TIME AND YES THERE IS ALWAYS A NEXT! DO I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE? HECK NO!! I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS "SKINNY" IN 20+ YEARS. I MAY GAIN A FEW POUNDS BACK HERE AND THERE BUT I REFUSE TO GET TO THE 300LBS MARK EVER AGAIN! I JUST FLAT OUT REFUSE!!! YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY AND HAVE BEEN THRU SO MUCH IN THE PAST YEAR. I THINK YOU ARE DOING GREAT AND I THINK THAT REALIZING WHAT YOU ARE DOING WRONG IS A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION! I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN BUT OUR SCHEDULES JUST DONT JIVE DO THEY? TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU! I MAY HAVE TO CALL ON YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS TO TALK ME DOWN! LOL

Hey Cricket.................I too am a 2 yr out patient of WLS and it is NOT getting easy.............

I have been fighting the CARB monster for months........even a year............can't put my finger on it except for the fact I too have started "experimenting" to see if I can handle this or that....."   I don't have severe dumping episodes like they say you do after WLS...............grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  but I have a tool that has to be used and excercised..................

I am often on the TEXAS Message board...............feel free to come and see us...........we do a monthly -(this month it is  (Jumpstart January)  accountability group where we post DAILY on our food plan for each day and then post in the evening on how we did..............either Stephanie G. or Karla will usually start this thread up..................
Here is the link to yesterdays.............
http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/TX/4098637/Saturday-B2B-Wr ap-up-for-the-Day/

current link to the TEXAS Message Board:    TMB as we call it !!
http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/TX/a,messageboard/board_id ,4845/

I'm not chasing you away from the Oklahoma boards at all - but the key is lots and lots of accountability as most of us have realized........................

GOOD LUCK AND (((((((((((((((hUGGSS))))))))))))))))))

Girl you have to know you are preaching to the choir here!!  LOL And.....I have tried all those things you said would make you a failure if you tried them and guess what....my word didn't end and I'm still not a failure.  I just don't give up and neither are you. You only fail when you give in and give up. As long as we are constantly battling these old habits then we will win. 

If you haven't thrown in exercise you might think about it.  I think the last 45 lbs I have lost has not been the sleeve but the exercise.  I still have 25 more that I really want to lose and have focused myself mentally just as you have done.  We can do this!!!! 

Do you not realize what an inspiration you are to all of us?!!!  I am even more inspired to know that you are not the perfect weight wise patient because honestly I don't think that exists.  This is life and life is not perfect.  Despite us not being perfect, we can still win this battle. Look how far we have come!  Don't forget to celebrate that girl.

Rita, thanks for posting this. You are not alone. I wish I had never taken that first bite of candy. I can't put it down and leave it alone. I have an addiction and I am like an alcoholic too. I have not had rice, carbonation or bread, but I have had a little bit of pasta and I have had loads of sugar. I sabotaged myself for 3 months. I would be at goal by now if I had not. I can't take it back but I can change it and I am going to work very hard to do better and be at goal before my 1 year in March. I will be praying for you to have strength as well. God's best.
EMily

Rita~  No matter how you might feel, you are very much an inspiration.  I know it's been a tough year for you and I admire you for your strength.  I've been fighting my eating habits for over a year now, as well, especially since my last pregnancy.  I'm trying to get back on track, but man is it hard!  *hugs to you*

~ Renae

Rita, you are anything but a failure!  You are a true success story.  You were one of my true inspirations and walked with me through my WLS journey.  The only thing that got in your way is like so many of us...it's called LIFE!!!  We all still have a tool and it still works.  I know I have been at a standstill for at least 6 months now.  I have not been to a support meeting in about a month (since the Christmas party) and I sure need to get back to those.  They always help me personally.  I have listened to people talk at those meetings though and I may have had the same mindset early on that I would never eat anything I shouldn't because I went to all the trouble and especially expense to not work the program!!!  HA HA  Well, we had surgery on our stomachs and not on our brains!!  I know that in time those newbies will experience the same things you and I are experiencing.  I agree that we should never have put anything in our mouth that shouldn't go there but then again...if we had done that at birth we wouldn't be here either!!

I know you have had a hard year and the last 4 or 5 months for me have been quite the test as well.  I had to put my Mom in the nursing home, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer (removed and seems to be quite successful by the way), my sister and best friend has cancer of her liver and my daughter was having a difficult pregnancy.  You and I both know that we will get through this.  God will not put more on us than we can bare!  I do believe that even though it gets tough at times...the tough just have to get going!!!

Rita, I know you will get back on track and will get those extra pounds off....YOU WILL!!  You've come too far.  I am going to try to get back on track as well and get to my goal this year.  I think I will seriously think about being more agressive in the exercise portion...which has been pretty much nil the last 6 months.  Take care and we'll keep on keeping on.

(((HUGS))))
Deb

Rita,
What a great person to post the truth!  Hello, my name is Pam and I am addicted to carbs!!! Thank-you for being real.  We have the tool, we can do it. !!!!
Hugs back to you!!
Pam

Thanks everyone for your well wishes. I hate to admit it but I was one of those new surgery patients that just could not understand why someone would have this surgery then disobey the rules. It does come back to bite you in the butt. To those that it doesn't, congratulations to you. I am ashamed  to admit that I have not incorporated exercise into a routine. I have done very little here and there. I will succeed but it is going to take some divine intervention of which I belive strongly in now more than ever. To those of us struggling, may the force be with us. To all the newbies, don't ever say never and don't disobey that first rule. It is simply just not worth it.

You have my deepest sympathy in the death of your parents.  Mine died seven months apart in 1992-93, beginning my upward spiral of weight gain.  Today I still miss my parents and occasionally get misty eyed about them, but the reason they died in their mid 60's was because of their lifestyle, so I'm totally stoked about changing my story.  Thank you for being so helpful while I was in the hospital with my surgery in October 09.   If there is ever anything I can do for you, let me know.  fyi, my weight is coming off just fine & I'm off of diabetes meds & cut back on Vytorin, but still having to take b.p. meds.