im hoping you can help

So here is the thing I was wondering if any of your have family that is skinny? And do you ever wonder why it is that we were at one time and so much different? I am there right knowing my brothers both way around 220 and my dad is 244 mom is about 175. Me before surgery weighed in at 460 and I am left wondering why me. Why is it me that is so different than everyone in my family? I believe that everything happens for a reason but I still ask why is it I that is the one who had surgery to get his life back. That's rant 1 rant 2 is the mentality I do not think that I am appealing to women. I have had a few girlfriends and it's been nice but lately I just feel that there is no way a girl would ever like someone who is as big as me. I'm getting smaller I have lost 140 since Dec. I'm supper pumped about it. I am ready for a relationship not a Jr high relationship but a true honest caring for a person and them care for me relationship. Here is my question for you, if you have had surgery and have felt that the way I have fell? If so does it ever go away? If it does how does it go away? I am just sick of being alone I would love one day to be loved as more than a friend and family member but as a man in a relationship? Maybe I'm crazy I don't know i'm just lonely right know and am thinking. Hit me up please

Here is my two cents- focus on you getting healthy right now.  I know somewhere in your mind you were thinking "I'm going to have surgery, get skinny, and get the girl".  Nothing wrong with that, but give it some time- you have lost 140lbs- - that is awesome!!  I think you are just feeling down, everyone goes through that.  Go to WLS support groups, it is nice to talk to other people who have had surgery.  As far as dating, try some online services like match.com or e-harmony....I would suggest staying away from some like onlinebootycall....

Again, just my two cents.  Best of luck! 

First issue: I was always the one with the weight problem in my family...except that my dad was very heavy. Sherry was always the one who according to all them..."always thought about food". It was if they didn't eat or something. I never ate huge amounts of food or ate more than anyone else....I just gained more than they did. I also didn't balance what I ate out. I consumed more carbs than protein, so I think that was an issue in my weight gain too. I was 220 at my highest weight, but for me that was destructive to my body. My sisters at age 46 and 60 have now begun having changes in their weight...One is at least 200 and the other is right behind her....I have nothing but compassion for them, which is a whole lot more than they ever had for me. My brothers have never had issues with the weight and have always looked down on me for mine. I have no idea what causes it....To me it was so agonizing and I lived with the pain of it as I am sure you have too and I am so sorry for you. It does impact every area of your life and that is why you  had this surgery, to change your life, inside and out....It will happen, but the outside changes long before the inside. Just remember it is slow to heal, but it does, with work.

Next issue: I have no idea how old you are and I realize that different seasons of life are extremely different for the ages. I will tell you this....many of us understand these same feelings no matter what the age. I do know that for me personally, I look at a man's heart first and foremost. I look at his life to see signs of who he is, even down to how he treats his pets. I look to see if he is a giver or a taker, his sincerity, his outlook on life, his inner strength, His loyalty, I don't care if a man is bald, or heavy. In fact, I don't even look twice at men who are thin and I don't even know why, I just feel more comfortable with a heavier man, maybe I compare myself to them..... not to mention that a very thin man can have as many health issues as a heavy man.  I don't know if others do or not, but for me, it is irrelivant. I do love a deep friendship, because those friendships can grow into much more, if cultivated. I look at communication, compassion, and caring, I look at  thoughtfulness, I look at a man who honestly doesn't think sex is the most important thing in life, but love and affection is I am going to look for a man who will treasure me and I him...... I don't know if there are men out there like that...but that is what I am asking God to bring into my life. I have seen many heavy men who will only look at a well built woman never giving a heavy woman a chance....Ask yourself about that...are you fair in who you look at too?  I want to love and be loved. I don't think that I am the only woman in the world that feels this way about relationships and since I am not the only one....then that means there is someone who  will see you for who you are and fall in love with you. It just takes the right one to come along. I firmly believe that God can bring that person into your life with prayer and with you seeking and I am not an overly religious person....I have just seen this happen many times.


I think too that it wouldn't hurt to examine who you are. List all your good qualities and your negative ones.... being totally honest.....ask yourself, if you are an approachable person who will honestly listen to suggestions of things that could be issues....... Not only that...ask your really good friends if there are things about yourself that should be changed....Don't ever feel like you are to old  and don't be to stubborn to make changes.  I have had to do that with my children. I had to ask them if I was doing things that was hurtful to them...and they gladly told me. I had to be willing to make some changes, but I have found that they were best for all of us....I had to be very gut honest with my kids and be willing to open myself up, for my own good. Not to hurt me, but to help me be better. Relationships are a two way street....it must be kept going both ways to be a success.  Over the past 10 years, even with my weight issues, I have had to make positive changes in myself....I am still making them bit by bit. 

I think you have a wonderful heart, but I also feel you are somewhat lonely and feel that a relationship will fill that void in your life....I too am in that boat in a later season of life, but I am having to learn who I am, before I can begin my search for a relationship. I will pray that God will send just the right person into your life and at the right time....It is up to you to trust that he will do that in his time frame....Be patient my friend, God is not done with his work on you yet, but be ready because your life is going to change more and more every day.
You are now added to my prayer list if that is ok with you.....
So just so you know.....we all have journeyed down the roads of these issues....some young and some like myself, older, but we all wondered the "Why" me's and the what nows......The answers will come....when we are ready for them.
Hugs
Sherry

You are down on yoruself right now so you are not thinking clearly.  Losing weight is going to boost your self confidence and the weird thing is that self confidence is super sexy and will attract the opposite sex.  You have had girlfriends before so its not like no one has ever looked at your before.  Hang in there. Sherry gave you some great advice.  Make that list of pros and cons and decide right now to work on the inside while you are working on the outside.  Maybe now is the time to find a new hobby.  Maybe take some dancing classes or start biking (sorry had to throw that in there, I LOVE biking).  Once you start focusing on YOUR life and being the best you can be....its amazing...the girls will come running. 

I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters and two of us ended up with weight issues and had to have surgery.  The rest have managed to stay slim.  At first I went through a pity party about it but now that I am loving life I am so over that.  I dont' care that I had to have surgery to save my life.  I'm just thrilled that I was able to have an option.

Hey Everyone Thank you for your help and prayers you are very wise people

Hold up there buddy!  Where is the pride you should feel in yourself for losing 140 pounds?  That is an amazing accomplishment so give yourself credit!  And you are in the beginning of your journey and will only lose more.  With every pound you will gain more and more self-confidence and realize that some gal will be lucky to have you!  Why are some skinny and some fat?  Only God knows the answer to that.  But our individual journeys are what make each of us the fabulous and unique people that we are.

Your lady is out there waiting.  You will find her when the time is right.  In the meantime, embrace the process and be happy!  That makes a person very attractive to all!

Kevin:  First and MOST important, congratulations on your decision to change your life, and congratulations on working the tool you gave yourself and losing 140 lbs so far.  That is awesome!!  I have 2 older sisters and both are, and always have been skinny.  I was always the fat one of the family.  I was 424 when I started this jouney, and I believe I weighed more before that time -- I rarely found a scale that weighed me.  So, yes, I too felt like a red-headed step child in my family, even though there was love there.  I see pics now of us as of a couple of years ago (we already discussed the hatred of pics) and I took up most of the shot!!  My mom and sisters had to really crowd in to get in the shot.  I took after my German side of the family, who are hefty farmers in Nebraska.  My parents were SLIGHTLY pudgy, but not too bad.  I have been married for 29 years, but still feel the pain of feeling I was too big for any girl to even notice me.  I had moved to Fort Smith with my job, and knew NO ONE!!  I sat in my apt. in a deep depression, and except for work, did not leave it.  The pain of absolute loneliness is so devestating.    I can still feel remember that deep sadness as if it was yesterday.  But, God did bring Dessie in my life.  We were like best friends for about 10 months, and the first time we kissed, was after I asked her to marry me!  I know, wierd.  It will come Kev, and I know it seems forever, but give God a chance to work in you, and bring you the right person.  It will be worth it.  I believe it was Patty here that told another person that she should wait at least a year after surgery to seek any kind of relationship.  You go through so much during this first year.  That is some very sound advice.  There is nothing you aren't going through that at least one (or probably several) of us haven't gone through.  We feel your pain, but this too, my friend, will pass.  We are here for you Kevin.  Read and post often.  You are NOT alone.  Michael

Hey everyone thanks for the advice you are right. I just think that i am really feeling lonly being in college most of my friends are supportive but its just a thing that is not really understood why. but I know God has a plan for me.

If you dont know me then lets clear this out of the way..I am blunt outspoken and I speak my mind.
So here goes...first issue my older sister was always the thin sexy bitoch..she never let me forget it. My brother was overweight and never let me forget he was smaller than me. My adoptive siblings who are way older then me were always kind but would suggest to me that I needed help.
I have asked the question WHY ME for so long that I feel like it is a recording that plays constantly. I now ask WHY NOT ME?
makes more sense. Now that I have lost over 334 pounds. My sister who thought she was hot crap is now the overweight one who is asking me for my old clothes. My response to her is simple I wear low riders and the sizes I am into are 14-16. I dont have anything  larger. My brother is now bigger than I was before surgery. My other siblings well lets just say this they dont speak much to me.
Now KEVIN, as for you not being attractive  who said that? I think that you are being to damn hard on yourself and not seeing what we women see.
If you are looking for the sexy model types beleive me they aint worth the time of day. If you want a woman to love you as you are then put yourself out there and be ready for life to happen. Sorry hun women dont come to your door you gotta go where they are.
Amazing feat you have done and take pride in that and the fact you are one hell of a guy. Just from this post you show that you are a caring, romantic guy, that has alot going for him, you ooze romance and love..compassion. Use those to your advanatage....
If you are still wearing the clothes from before surgery time to throw them out and get some new. Go get a new hair cut ..in other words let pimp up that body...show off what you have done and lets have some fun...
Get rid of the fat mentality and think that no woman would want you...SORRY hun not true..there are alot of single women that would love a decent guy like you...now if you are into older women *wink* look me up....

Kevin,

Let me tell you, I've been where you are, and honestly, am pretty much there now.  The difference is I'm a LOT older than you, and although I have had a couple of relationships, I want to meet that special someone who treats me like I should be treated.  Thought I had met him, but for some reason I'm not the priority in his life anymore.  It's stressful, it hurts, and if you're like me, I look at some of my friends and go, if they can be in a relationship, what's wrong with me?  I'm not a bad person, I don't drink, smoke, or use TOO foul of language.  (Unless I get upset!  LOL)  I keep thinking God has something planned for me too, but dang it, I'm tired of being patient. 

I was always the biggest one in the family, in my school, in my job...and I don't know why.  I'm not anymore, but I still view myself as that way. 

Kevin, focus on getting healthy, and don't stress too much about not having someone in your life.  It will happen, but you have to be positive with yourself too.  I know you're lonely, and that you're away at college and wonder why you....but it won't be long now until your self esteem is going to start skyrocketing and you're going to see that it's easier to meet people and do things.  A year ago I wouldn't dare walk into a place of business by myself....three weeks ago I walked into a gym, joined, and I did it all on my own.  I didn't need my friends there as a crutch for me.  I go to the gym alone every day and work out...alone.  I'm ok with that!  You will be too, sooner than you think.  You've done wonderful with your weight loss, and I know good things are in store for you.  Go for it Kevin!  You are a wonderful person, who is going to wake up one day soon and realize, you're not the big one anymore!

Hugs,
Marsha