OT-Long story
I mostly just need to type this to get my feelings out, but any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Forgive me becuae this will be long but I have to give you some back story before I get to the point.
My whole life I have been disapointed in men, so has my mom. In fact she's raised me to not expect any different because at some point all men will disapoint you. As I've grown up I've decided that at some point all PEOPLE will disapoint you. We all do things that we arn't proud of, and that the people who love us the most arn't proud of, but that dosn't mean we stop loving them right? When I was married my marriage was a huge failure, and my mom was not supportive at all, especially after I became pregnant. Everytime I was around her she would want to rant about all the negative things about my husband and how he was no good for me, and would never ammount to anything. She was right, he was horrible to me, and never did anything but use me and then when he saw I wasn't going to take it anymore he moved on to another poor woman. But before I left I always felt very pulled between my husband and my mother. And ever since I realized that she was right and I deserved better than him, and so did our son I have come to almost requre her approval in any relationship I find myself in. I swore I would never choose a man over my mom again, because she is the only one who's always been there and I'm so afraid of loosing that. Fast forward to today. I'm seeing a great guy, or at least I think he's a great guy. He treats me like a princess, he shares everything he has with me, granted I've shared alot with him as well. He's basicly living in my spare room. Which is where the problem began I think. My mom is so down on him, i'm starting to feel just like I did when I was married. Anytime I'm around her if his name is mentioned she starts telling me that if I marry him I'll never have nice things, and I'll always have to work and help support the family, because she thinks he's lazy. All because while I was gone for a week she went over to my house (he was housesitting) and she found dirty dishes in the sink. She feels like he's "moved in on me and wants to run the house" she views him as "overbearing" becasue he has made the mistake of reffering to my house as "our house" in front of her. She feels like his family and poor upbringing makes him "lower class" than my family and she thinks that if I marry him that I'll be dragged down.
He has no idea that she feels this way, because she refuses to talk to him about it, she just wants to stay on me about it until I break up with him and she gets her way. And I would do just that if for no other reason than to keep the peace if I wasn't already head over heels for him. He treats me better than any guy I've ever known. He dotes on me and listens to me. He loves my son and is good to him. When he isn't working at his job he mows lawns and everytime he gets paid he either hands me $40-$100 cash or he pays a bill to make things easier on me. Right now he dosn't have a great job, but in this economy no one is hiring, and he tries daily to find a better one, but my mom acts like he's mooching off me and that's just not the case. She dosn't see anything but negativity and when I try to point it out to her she still refuses to see it. I sometimes feel like she just wants control over me and my son. And that she sees my boyfriend as a threat to that control becuse she knows if I get married then she won't have as much. She told me that she wants me to sign my son over to her and then go do whatever I want to do with my life but that It's not fair to drag him down with me. She's so convinced that this guy is going to turn out just like my ex that she won't even try to see it any other way.
I know there are normal people out there who can maintain a relationship with their mother and still have a romantic relationship as well, I just don't know how to becaome one. It would break both our hearts to do it, but I catch myself considering breaking up with this great guy that I truely love, just to appease my mother. but one of these days's i'm afaid I will wake up and be 60 years old and all alone because I let my mother keep me from having a good relationship...
I just don't know what to do.
My whole life I have been disapointed in men, so has my mom. In fact she's raised me to not expect any different because at some point all men will disapoint you. As I've grown up I've decided that at some point all PEOPLE will disapoint you. We all do things that we arn't proud of, and that the people who love us the most arn't proud of, but that dosn't mean we stop loving them right? When I was married my marriage was a huge failure, and my mom was not supportive at all, especially after I became pregnant. Everytime I was around her she would want to rant about all the negative things about my husband and how he was no good for me, and would never ammount to anything. She was right, he was horrible to me, and never did anything but use me and then when he saw I wasn't going to take it anymore he moved on to another poor woman. But before I left I always felt very pulled between my husband and my mother. And ever since I realized that she was right and I deserved better than him, and so did our son I have come to almost requre her approval in any relationship I find myself in. I swore I would never choose a man over my mom again, because she is the only one who's always been there and I'm so afraid of loosing that. Fast forward to today. I'm seeing a great guy, or at least I think he's a great guy. He treats me like a princess, he shares everything he has with me, granted I've shared alot with him as well. He's basicly living in my spare room. Which is where the problem began I think. My mom is so down on him, i'm starting to feel just like I did when I was married. Anytime I'm around her if his name is mentioned she starts telling me that if I marry him I'll never have nice things, and I'll always have to work and help support the family, because she thinks he's lazy. All because while I was gone for a week she went over to my house (he was housesitting) and she found dirty dishes in the sink. She feels like he's "moved in on me and wants to run the house" she views him as "overbearing" becasue he has made the mistake of reffering to my house as "our house" in front of her. She feels like his family and poor upbringing makes him "lower class" than my family and she thinks that if I marry him that I'll be dragged down.
He has no idea that she feels this way, because she refuses to talk to him about it, she just wants to stay on me about it until I break up with him and she gets her way. And I would do just that if for no other reason than to keep the peace if I wasn't already head over heels for him. He treats me better than any guy I've ever known. He dotes on me and listens to me. He loves my son and is good to him. When he isn't working at his job he mows lawns and everytime he gets paid he either hands me $40-$100 cash or he pays a bill to make things easier on me. Right now he dosn't have a great job, but in this economy no one is hiring, and he tries daily to find a better one, but my mom acts like he's mooching off me and that's just not the case. She dosn't see anything but negativity and when I try to point it out to her she still refuses to see it. I sometimes feel like she just wants control over me and my son. And that she sees my boyfriend as a threat to that control becuse she knows if I get married then she won't have as much. She told me that she wants me to sign my son over to her and then go do whatever I want to do with my life but that It's not fair to drag him down with me. She's so convinced that this guy is going to turn out just like my ex that she won't even try to see it any other way.
I know there are normal people out there who can maintain a relationship with their mother and still have a romantic relationship as well, I just don't know how to becaome one. It would break both our hearts to do it, but I catch myself considering breaking up with this great guy that I truely love, just to appease my mother. but one of these days's i'm afaid I will wake up and be 60 years old and all alone because I let my mother keep me from having a good relationship...
I just don't know what to do.
girl,
i say follow your heart and go with it! ive learned from many years of trying to please my mother, we need to just do what makes us happy!
hes not a wife beater, he just leaves dirty dishes sometimes. hes going thru a job phase right now. it happens! i moved across the country and the govt messed up my bfs security check and im the only bread winner at the moment and my moms flipping out that ill be the one screwed over. but do i care her opinion? no. not at all. i love my boy, he treats me so great, and its not all about money. its about the way he makes me feel on the inside, and treating you right.
think about dewhitney right now not mama.
your to great to wake up alone one day. maybe explain to her how you really feel about all this. she may have a negative reaction but atleast everything will be off your chest.
hit me up if you wanna talk about this more lady.
<3
am
i say follow your heart and go with it! ive learned from many years of trying to please my mother, we need to just do what makes us happy!
hes not a wife beater, he just leaves dirty dishes sometimes. hes going thru a job phase right now. it happens! i moved across the country and the govt messed up my bfs security check and im the only bread winner at the moment and my moms flipping out that ill be the one screwed over. but do i care her opinion? no. not at all. i love my boy, he treats me so great, and its not all about money. its about the way he makes me feel on the inside, and treating you right.
think about dewhitney right now not mama.
your to great to wake up alone one day. maybe explain to her how you really feel about all this. she may have a negative reaction but atleast everything will be off your chest.
hit me up if you wanna talk about this more lady.
<3
am
But you don’t
Always
Have to hold your head
Higher than your heart
~jack johnson~
I'm sorry you're going through this. In reading about what a negative opinion your mother has about men, I venture to guess that you could be dating Billy Graham (I know he's old, but he's spiritual. I almost said "the pope" lol) but she would still find something negative.
While you should treat your mother with respect, that does not mean you should allow her to control your life. She will not always be with you, and you have to learn how to make your own decisions and live with whatever consequences those decisions bring. Right?
It is too easy to "take on" our parents' emotional issues, and I'm wondering if you're doing that here. This is an opportunity for you to see that you can make a good choice, relationship wise. Take a stand with your mother. Tell her you love her and value her opinion, normally, but that you see that she has problems judging men fairly, whether she can see that or not. Because of that, and because you are seeing yourself following in that negative mindset, for the sake of your relationship with her, you are asking that she keep the comments about your boyfriend to herself.
There is no reason to sign your son over to your mother. Whatever you do, do not do that! He would grow up a negative young men who would feel angry and abandoned.
I will be honest with you about one more point. I do not judge you, but I will say that I do not agree with living together before marriage. I realize that since you had a disappointing first marriage, you may want to "try out" a guy first, but from all I've seen, it just doesn't work. No matter how long you know someone, a marriage license will make a difference, for good or ill. There are just no guarantees. If you both know and serve the Lord, and if you get help when you need it (from a counselor or pastor), you should have a good marriage.
I guess I'll end this long reply (sorry) with one more point: Don't let anyone--not even your mother--steal your joy.
Blessings,
Mary
While you should treat your mother with respect, that does not mean you should allow her to control your life. She will not always be with you, and you have to learn how to make your own decisions and live with whatever consequences those decisions bring. Right?
It is too easy to "take on" our parents' emotional issues, and I'm wondering if you're doing that here. This is an opportunity for you to see that you can make a good choice, relationship wise. Take a stand with your mother. Tell her you love her and value her opinion, normally, but that you see that she has problems judging men fairly, whether she can see that or not. Because of that, and because you are seeing yourself following in that negative mindset, for the sake of your relationship with her, you are asking that she keep the comments about your boyfriend to herself.
There is no reason to sign your son over to your mother. Whatever you do, do not do that! He would grow up a negative young men who would feel angry and abandoned.
I will be honest with you about one more point. I do not judge you, but I will say that I do not agree with living together before marriage. I realize that since you had a disappointing first marriage, you may want to "try out" a guy first, but from all I've seen, it just doesn't work. No matter how long you know someone, a marriage license will make a difference, for good or ill. There are just no guarantees. If you both know and serve the Lord, and if you get help when you need it (from a counselor or pastor), you should have a good marriage.
I guess I'll end this long reply (sorry) with one more point: Don't let anyone--not even your mother--steal your joy.
Blessings,
Mary
"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how BIG your God is!"
ObesityHelp Support Group Leader and Support Group Coach
ObesityHelp Support Group Leader and Support Group Coach
Thanks Mary,
I know your right about living together before marriage, and as God as my witness, we don't sleep in the same bed, I'm not crazy about the idea of him sleeping in the guest room but right now there isn't really another option. He was staying at his parents house but they don't have room for him now that his step brother moved home and if he rented a house or apartment right now he wouldn't be able to pay for it. See, he was living in VA until June so he really just moved back and had to take a huge cut in pay to do it. So it's not like he's been without a house for long, just since he moved back.
I would never give my son up for anyone, that's not even something I would consider and my mother knows that. I think she just said that to make a point but still it hurt that she would even suggest it.
I know your right about living together before marriage, and as God as my witness, we don't sleep in the same bed, I'm not crazy about the idea of him sleeping in the guest room but right now there isn't really another option. He was staying at his parents house but they don't have room for him now that his step brother moved home and if he rented a house or apartment right now he wouldn't be able to pay for it. See, he was living in VA until June so he really just moved back and had to take a huge cut in pay to do it. So it's not like he's been without a house for long, just since he moved back.
I would never give my son up for anyone, that's not even something I would consider and my mother knows that. I think she just said that to make a point but still it hurt that she would even suggest it.
(deactivated member)
on 9/2/09 12:11 pm
on 9/2/09 12:11 pm
I will say this-don't rush to the alter to spite your Mom either.
In the end, it has to be your decision and your consequence, but you had surgery in March-it's September now-so 6 months? Your hormones and all kinds of things are going on with you.
If it's the right decision, it will STILL be right in a year. Don't let your mother or anyone else push you into an impulsive decision....so to your question-what do I do? I say nothing-wait and see.
I'll start by saying that I'm only a call or text away if you need to talk... (It's been forever since I've heard from you!)
Now, I'll say this. I know you try to appease your mom and keep peace so she'll be happy, but does it always make YOU happy? I learned YEARS ago that I might never please my mom so I just do what I want. It made her upset at first, and there's probably still times she's frustrated with me, but she learned to accept that I'm an adult and I'm going to do what I think is best for ME. If you love him, then I don't think you should break up with him to make anyone else happy because in the end, you'll be the one who is hurt and sad and it WILL make you grow resentful of your mom. Just my 2 cents... <3 *hugs*
~ Renae
Now, I'll say this. I know you try to appease your mom and keep peace so she'll be happy, but does it always make YOU happy? I learned YEARS ago that I might never please my mom so I just do what I want. It made her upset at first, and there's probably still times she's frustrated with me, but she learned to accept that I'm an adult and I'm going to do what I think is best for ME. If you love him, then I don't think you should break up with him to make anyone else happy because in the end, you'll be the one who is hurt and sad and it WILL make you grow resentful of your mom. Just my 2 cents... <3 *hugs*
~ Renae
~*Renae*~ Open RNY 8/3/04 ** (rockmyskinnyjeans on MFP)
Post-op Mommy x 2 (Krysten 12/1/05 & Tyson 10/3/08) 334/303/136/135
Friend me on FB: http://www.facebook.com/airmansxprincess
My internal filter is broken today, so I'm just going to come out and say...
Your mom has lived her life and made her mistakes. It is NOT her place to force those mistakes on you and live your life for you. Your personal relationships are just that, yours, and shouldn't even be up for discussion with her. If she tries to butt in, tell her, "Thanks, but you've raised me to be able to make choices for myself, not based on what you think, and it's time for me to be able to do that. I need you to stay out of it." If she pushes, push back and tell her to STAY OUT OF IT. It's NEVER healthy for a parent to be involved in a grown child's relationships.
You also need to think about the way you're raising your son. Not all men are disappointments, and your view and your mothers' will inevitably color the way he thinks of himself. Raise him to be a man that sets high and attainable expectations for himself. Think about the kind of relationship you want to have with him when HE's an adult and start building that now. Rather than guiding his choices with your opinion, which is what it sounds like your mom did with you, set the standard now for him to make his choices based on what he thinks of himself and how his choice will affect the world around him. (That's a hard one for me, even on the simplest things like the way my kids dress!
)
I'm sorry if I came across pushy and offensive, that definitely wasn't my intent. Like I said...my filter today is broken (sooooooo sleepy!) and overinvolved parents of grown adults make me freakin' insane. My husband and I almost got divorced about 9 years ago, and one of the big reasons was his overinvolved mother.
Your mom has lived her life and made her mistakes. It is NOT her place to force those mistakes on you and live your life for you. Your personal relationships are just that, yours, and shouldn't even be up for discussion with her. If she tries to butt in, tell her, "Thanks, but you've raised me to be able to make choices for myself, not based on what you think, and it's time for me to be able to do that. I need you to stay out of it." If she pushes, push back and tell her to STAY OUT OF IT. It's NEVER healthy for a parent to be involved in a grown child's relationships.
You also need to think about the way you're raising your son. Not all men are disappointments, and your view and your mothers' will inevitably color the way he thinks of himself. Raise him to be a man that sets high and attainable expectations for himself. Think about the kind of relationship you want to have with him when HE's an adult and start building that now. Rather than guiding his choices with your opinion, which is what it sounds like your mom did with you, set the standard now for him to make his choices based on what he thinks of himself and how his choice will affect the world around him. (That's a hard one for me, even on the simplest things like the way my kids dress!
)I'm sorry if I came across pushy and offensive, that definitely wasn't my intent. Like I said...my filter today is broken (sooooooo sleepy!) and overinvolved parents of grown adults make me freakin' insane. My husband and I almost got divorced about 9 years ago, and one of the big reasons was his overinvolved mother.
OH.com/Integris Baptist OKC Support Group Leader
Ad astra per alia porci!
Ad astra per alia porci!
STOP STOP STOP! From my perspective you are still struggling with the issues from weight loss so dont think HES the one..In other words I have been in your shoes and I can tell you for the first year you will be hormonal raging.
Second of all the Job market is rough but if someone truly wants to find a job he/she can..it may not be what they want or the pay they want but jobs are available..
Third he does not need to be living in your spare bedroom... Thats asking for disaster....he has family, and friends...right now you dont need the emotional crutch of his being there..I dont care if he goes out and sells his butt and gives you the money..He needs to be on his own not living in your spare room...thats a form of using you..Hello sweetie....
Fourth Mom is sour on my men she will never ever approve of any man you date ot see ..just lower the boom and say Mom I love you always will but you gave me life, you taught me right from wrong, indendence, and all the strengths I have....But the key is you gave me life..I have to fly alone and If I fall I will be hurt but you taught me how to dust my pants off dry my tears and go on...
Fifth if you have this prophecy that all men are evil or bad you will seek that out..so STOP it....people are human and not all are perfect..if ya remeember the one guy that was of such was crucified...
In other words..from my own little bag of sour grapes..i have been lied to by men so I sit up traps to catch the guy lying...I realized that and now work on doing that...
Sixth. instead of falling for a guy learn to fall not for a guy...meaning you are seeking love and you wanting it so bad that you will go with someone that you feel good about..ie "treats me like a princess" that and then he doesnt have a job but gives me money when he cuts grass. Woman you are settling for second stop that crap..You are a independent educated beautiful woman you dont settle for less..so why are?
In summary, I am not siding with MOM but I see why Mom is like this towards this guy..you are not a princess BUT a QUEEN ...and as such....look for a king not a joker....
If this makes you mad....and you dont speak to me again...thats your choice just know I love you and I want the best for yeah....
btw there are alot of temp agencies hiring...my neighbor got laid off went there on tuesday got hired..( 3 months ago) and is now full time at Devon Energy..has no college education..only a ged, and a drivers license so it can happen..just have to get up and go look
Second of all the Job market is rough but if someone truly wants to find a job he/she can..it may not be what they want or the pay they want but jobs are available..
Third he does not need to be living in your spare bedroom... Thats asking for disaster....he has family, and friends...right now you dont need the emotional crutch of his being there..I dont care if he goes out and sells his butt and gives you the money..He needs to be on his own not living in your spare room...thats a form of using you..Hello sweetie....
Fourth Mom is sour on my men she will never ever approve of any man you date ot see ..just lower the boom and say Mom I love you always will but you gave me life, you taught me right from wrong, indendence, and all the strengths I have....But the key is you gave me life..I have to fly alone and If I fall I will be hurt but you taught me how to dust my pants off dry my tears and go on...
Fifth if you have this prophecy that all men are evil or bad you will seek that out..so STOP it....people are human and not all are perfect..if ya remeember the one guy that was of such was crucified...
In other words..from my own little bag of sour grapes..i have been lied to by men so I sit up traps to catch the guy lying...I realized that and now work on doing that...
Sixth. instead of falling for a guy learn to fall not for a guy...meaning you are seeking love and you wanting it so bad that you will go with someone that you feel good about..ie "treats me like a princess" that and then he doesnt have a job but gives me money when he cuts grass. Woman you are settling for second stop that crap..You are a independent educated beautiful woman you dont settle for less..so why are?
In summary, I am not siding with MOM but I see why Mom is like this towards this guy..you are not a princess BUT a QUEEN ...and as such....look for a king not a joker....
If this makes you mad....and you dont speak to me again...thats your choice just know I love you and I want the best for yeah....
btw there are alot of temp agencies hiring...my neighbor got laid off went there on tuesday got hired..( 3 months ago) and is now full time at Devon Energy..has no college education..only a ged, and a drivers license so it can happen..just have to get up and go look
being healthy has its rewards....take the challenge and just do it
Most Active
Recent Topics
