lost.....

I AM SOOOO SORRY FOR THE TROUBLES YOU ARE GOING THRU. YOU HAVE BEEN THRU THE WRINGER THIS PAST YEAR AND I KNOW YOU PROBABLY WON'T BELIEVE THIS NOW BUT YOU WILL MAKE IT THRU THIS TOO. I AM HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME! KEEP YOUR CHIN UP AND STAY STRONG FOR YOURSELF!

I am so sorry you are going through this Sassy.  I will pray for you and your family during this time.  I have to say though that I don't agree with one comment that was made to you in that "they are the ones with total control".  You have control.  You are a wonderful, loving person and you deserve only that in return.  I pray that he will realize soon what he has at home and know that "fun" with the boys is only that...not a way to really live life!!  My daughter had a marriage end when she "begged him to stay".  He did stay for a year or so but she was on pins and needles the entire time and not a way for any human being to live.  She felt like she had to keep an imaculate house, cook awesome meals every day, entertain HIS friends and everything at that point was all about HIM.  YOU are important and YOU deserve his love and attention.  Most of all don't loose yourself in trying to make him happy.  It works both ways!!!  (((HUGS)))

I think Fleemore is right on the control thing.  Tying the knot is such a harsh way of defining marriage.  Marriage is a journey not unlike our weight loss journey.  We find a partner that wants to journey with us.  Sometimes the partner decides that another path is more attractive.  You have no control over that.  You only have control over your journey.  As much as it hurts, you must accept that.  Forcing someone back on your path creates enmity and resentment.  Neither will be truly happy and life is too short not to do things that make you happy.

Pirate T said it well, too.  You are beautiful just as you are.  You are strong.  You are resilient.  Don't let anyone tell you differently.  Stand up and realize that no matter the outcome, you will come through this.  No matter what it will work out for the better.

Best wishes!

Sassy,
We may not see eye to eye on things but my heart goes out to you and what you are going through. It may be that you should go and talk with the shrink that you saw before your surgery. It could very well have something to do with your weight loss. The shrink would know about that type of situation and may be able to offer some advice in that area.
I was married for 42 years. I was married because that is just what you did in life and I also stayed married because that is just what our age people did. I was miserable. He was content. We stayed together because we were comfortable..... not in love. I took great care of him. I catered to him. I even taught the kids to do the same. That  is what mothers of my generation did. Everything was a habit in the marriage....even love became a habit on my part. Just as I had to make a choice to do this surgery to save my life....I had to get out of the toxic marriage I had, to also save my life. I begged him to go to counseling and he went, but he didn't want to be there. Emotionally he wasn't there anyway, so he quit. He quit because he didn't want counseling. I could not make him want it. He had free will to choose it or not. He chose NOT.  God can do many things, but we do have free will.  I prayed and prayed that he would heal my husbands bipolar disorder, and that he would heal the marriage for years and years and years, I prayed.....God, chose a different healing for me and placed me on a different path to care for me. Like we do as a parent, God often chooses what is best for us, rather than what we are praying for.
I will pray that God will give you a clear answer. I am just so sorry for your pain right now.

Sherry

Cindy~  I wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers and that I'm here for you.  I've been in a similar situation of sorts.  After my WLS, my marriage (which was already not great, but I think I was just content to stay in it) went completely sour and after my daughter was 1, we divorced.  I went through a pletheora of emotions over things, but I know I gave it my all for years and I'm a happier person now. I'm remarried with a new baby and I'm not going around telling people to do that, but I found myself, then the right person found me.  I hope things work out with your husband, I know how very much you love him and I know he loves you very much, as well.  I will pray for you.  Keep your head up, girl, and know we're here for you ~ *hugs*

OMG, I'm so sorry, sweetie. ((Hugs))  I will pray for strength for you and your family to get through this. If you could drag him to counseling or force him to talk to you openly and honestly without fear or repercussions, that would be great. I say this to tell you this, hoping that you can get the same outcome:

I can't give a whole lot of advice since I'm not in your situation, I can only tell you of mine. DH and I had problems back in 2001 (no details needed). I filed for divorce in 2001, and he dragged me into counseling kicking and screaming. No way did I want counseling. No way did I want to stay in the marriage. I agreed just to get him off my back. After 3 sessions, the counselor could see it was going nowhere. He suggested writing a letter to each other and letting it all hang out. Mine was 6 single spaced typed pages. His was a list of 3 items. We read them to each other, and then the counselor threw them away. It was wonderful.

As we were going through counseling, the divorce was final in October (I filed in May). Somewhere along the way, God came in and essentially opened my eyes..We vacated the divorce in February, which means that it was never through the cooling off period. We didn't have to get remarried or anything, though we do plan a vow renewal next year for our 25th.

We did 2 years of counseling between the fighting, the getting back together, and afterward. It was the best thing we ever did. We don't fight anymore...we haven't had a significant one in...gosh...8 years now??

Cindy,
I'm so sorry to hear this.  When I first started reading it I thought you were going joking!  I waited for the punch line!

I know you have had a hard time lately with your back surgery and wanting to move closer to Tulsa.  I have seen you with your husband and it seemed like you two were a very happy couple. 

I know what you mean about keeping the bar out of your marriage.  That is a rule my DH and I have also.  We have both been down that road and it leads to heartache and divorce.  Your DH will come around.  I believe that with all my heart. 

You are in my thoughts and prayers. 
Hugs
Kim J.!

I hear your pain I see your tears. My humble advice is simple....let him go. Do not plead or beg do not ask for him to come home to talk or go out for a date. Simply give him time...
Sometimes holding a man to close makes them want their freedom more.
Let him go see how the other side lives..it might at first be exciting but then the newness wears off and he will see how lonely the bar scene really is. 
If he is a true Christain then he will see the error of his ways and come back....if he doesnt as the old saying goes....if you love someone set them free if they come back its meant to be.....
Just dont dwell on his not being there..start making plans for you and the kids....
if ya need me I am hear for ya 

Thinking of you Cindy and praying that God gives you the strength you need to deal with this. I've been there and done that. You just have to follow your heart. (((((HUGGS)))))

Rita

Sassy - I am so, so sorry to read this.  You have gotten some great advice here and I don't think I'm smart enough to come up with anything better.  But please know I'm praying for you and thinking about you and hope that this all works out for the best for everyone involved. 

Man, doesn't he realize how hot you are now?  What the hell is he thinking?

And the others are right.  He will get tired of the bar scene and realize he's too old for that kind of crap.  I hope he has to crawl back on his knees!  (but I'm mean like that!)

Hang in there and please don't lose sight of your value as a fabulous, wonderful, worthwhile woman!