X Post. Ive fallen and can't get up

Post Date: 1/27/09 8:52 am
Hey guys, I am 13 months post op and have done great. I lost both my parents at the end of 2008, and I don;t know what has come over me. I played a little with carbs over Christmas and now am having trouble stopping. I absolutely do not want to get back or go back to my old habits. It seems like something or someone has taken control over me. I am depresed and don;t know how to handle this. Has anyone else fallen and been able to stand up and dust themselves off and carry on? I am feeling like a failure, and I miss my parents something awful. Any advice and kicks in the ass would be appreciated. I'm inteligent and I know what to do but  am so down and lost. Please please please help me out.I have been so strong for 13 months and now feel like my world is crashing down. Desperate in Oklahoma, Rita

Rita, I am in the carb boat with you.  I can't seem to get it together either.  I am not dealign with the heartache you are but still playing with the carbs.  Maybe we could talk each day and cheer each other on to hitting goal?  I know I need to be accountable to someone other than myself.  If you want to take me up on my offer then PM me and I will give you my phone numbers.

Denise

By the way Denise! You look wonderful and are really working with  your tool!! It is a wonderful encouragement to those still waiting on their date!

Rita, time for an intervention or just a bunch of love..take your pick.
Stop beating yourself up. Its okay to fall off the wagon but its not okay to stay on the ground looking for those evil carbs.
The way to stop the carb party is to again clear your kitchen of them.but before you do that you have to stop the thought from entering your head.
In AA it is told the addiction can  not be put into practise if you stop it in the thought process..you can not get a drink if you dont go to a bar or liquer store so in essence you cant go in the areas of the store where the bad carbs hang out with the evil ones.
And then as in AA you must make yoursel accountable to someone everyday and have to be honest with them.
You hav admitted that you have a problem not only to yourself but now to others so the healing process can begin.
I have lost both parents before I turned 28 so I know what it is like to have them gone. I deal with my loss by remembering what they have taught me and how I was raised...I do certain traditions that honor them.
Death is so hard when you have no one to share your pain with...I know cause I dealt with my parents death alone. I got through it by living, taking time to smell the flowers, looking for things that I never saw before, taking road trips and not having a destination in mind..I would drive till I felt that it was the place to be or time to turn around.
Thats how I have found some of the most interesting places ...
I got through their deaths by living by paying it forward by giving to others..
If you need a friedn to yell at you need a support person just send me an pm and I will give you my cell numbers
Hugs to ya and YOU ARE not ALONE

Your post is moving me to share my own problem-I've had a little episode with bulemia lately and sitting quietly, it came to me-it's the only thing I feel like I can control at the moment. (I recently lost my Uncle and I have two aging parents).

First step for me-STOP purging. (I've already done that).  Second step for me-CLEAN house of all trouble items.  (done)

I tend to be unrealistic and think I'm just going to wake up one day and be "better" and it doesn't work that way.  Grief fades, it doesn't just go away.  As much as I love my new horse, I am crying right now because I didn't get to tell Uncle John about it-and he was the one person who would understand what it meant to me.  It's weird how grief can creep in and color so many things in your life.

One of the things I do is periodically take long drives to clear out my mind, hit the highway, let the thoughts flow and the tears if they need to.  Finding a safe place to cry is essential to me in this process.  I don't cry in front of people unless I just have to, I don't want to upset anyone with my tears and I surely don't want someone telling me NOT to cry (that would just **** me off).  But lately, I'm getting a little tired of the tears, it's like, WHEN do they end?

Rita, you are not a failure, you could never be a failure.  You succeeded in the final tribute to your parents, being near them at the end.  Please, please don't even waste energy on that thought.

Seperate the carbs from your loss in your mind.  The carbs are something else entirely, and you can deal with them just by tossing them.  The loss, I'm sorry to say, will take a little longer.

Anytime you'd like to meet for a movie or dinner (a healthy one) or a walk or a bike ride, just say the word.

If you don't have a pet and would like to borrow a small, housebroken dog, I would loan you Prissy.  She's really like having a pet hamster, not a dog.  I need her back, but if she can help you get over a rough patch, she'd be happy to sit in your lap.  (And I wouldn't loan Prissy to just anyone she's my nightly bed mate). 

Debra, you too are going through alot. I cared for my Grandmother for the last year of her life and it was consuming. I was up at night when she had sundown syndrom and was trying to find her baby girl....I was up days making sure she didn't put cortizone cream in her eyes as she had two times before...It is a huge responsibility to take on the care of another, much less 2.  I couldn't take naps or rest easy EVER during that time! Caring for a loved one is one of THE hardest jobs ever!  You are exactly right in that grief never goes away.....it comes back to visit from time to time and it hurts the same as the day the loss occured. You do learn to cope with it though.....I honestly feel like people can grieve the loss of the life they had as a heavy person too....mourning the foods that were such a comfort or joy in our lives. We do have to look to the new us though and move past the season of mourning when the time is right.
You too are grieving the loss of many things and I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I think your Uncle is right there with you when you are with your horse. I believe he knows how happy you are and shares in that happiness along with you.....

You always come across so positive and up beat but I do understand how hard it is for you...I also had or do have Bulemia. I have controlled it for many years but right now, trying to get a date is sure causing me to think how easy it would be to start that all over to help...I am not going there again as it  nearly killed me.
Debra, I hope that you too will be strong during this hard time for you...Know I am praying for you too.....

I'm not sure how much help it is, but know that you're appreciated, and that your parents were (and are!) proud of who you've become.  I have no sage advice to give, as I'm struggling with the same problem.  It sounds like all of us could use a carb exorcism.

Carb Exorcism!!!!  I love it.  I need that.

Rita!  I am so sorry that you're having to deal with the loss of both of your parents.  I only have lost one and it was the most horrible thing I have been through.  I will tell you that maybe you should talk to Dr. Walton about some kind of anti-deppressant.  I know we never want to go on one, I sure didn't, but I can tell you that I was at my wit's end and that's when I started gaining my weight back that I'd lost.  I still take the meds, just because it helps me keep control.  Don't beat yourself up over being depressed, you have every right to be.  You and I both know that your parents are so proud of you, but it's hard to lose them.  No matter what they were going through, it's hard, especially when you're so close to them.  I miss my Daddy every day, I just wish I could sit and talk to him, touch him, one more time.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Marsha

Rita:

You are so not alone.  You should always remember that!  You have always been the one to help everyone so you should also know that we are here for you too!

Considering the things that you have had to deal with the past few months, you should be very proud that you are at least able to get up and function on a daily basis - as well as do your job and take care of patients on the days you are working!

I have been in a bit of denial - my ulcer is back and I finally forced myself to make and appointment, do my labs and see Dr. W.  What I was REALLY scared of was getting on the scale at WW!!!!  I knew I had gained some because I couldn't get in my dancing jeans comfortably anymore!!  I thought it was closer to 15-20 but was actually only 7 lbs!  I think over the course of 10 months - I was ecstatic but I know if I don't get control ASAP it will be more and fast!

So!  What do we do about this?  We get back on program - clear the house of the bad stuff, start journaling (yeah - you know how I feel about that!), lean on FRIENDS that understand and get your groove on!! 

I think the real question here is WHAT CAN "WE" DO FOR YOU?  You have to let us in and know that we will be there no matter what girl!  You have my cell phone number- please don't hesitate to use it!!  Even if you just text me I ALWAYS text back whether I am at work or not!  My phone is never far away from me!

I have a few days off before I go back to 6-3 M-F for a few weeks, if you want to meet - let me know!  I will also be at Support Group on Thursday if you want to stay and we can talk.  ANYTIME you need me let me know Sista!!

I am also going to start attending services at Victory this coming weekend - I thought I would start there and see if Mark Crow comes across in person as well as on TV.  I am not a hugely religious person, but I have felt the need to do something more spiritual to get myself centered.  Let me know if you want to go... 

Sending you HUGE HUGS of love!!

Ruth