An Honest Question

You are one of the sweetest souls I know-I wouldn't change an inch of you!

I am sure the underlying feeling of worthlessness is part of what kept us heavy, however I think it has to do with more than weight or appearance.  The fat is a manifestation of the feeling, not the cause of the feeling.

When meditating, I sometimes ask the question "good enough for what?" and there is never an answer-it's like one of those vague threats that are sooooo effective.  And maybe that's all it really is, just a vague threat that we should ignore and move on with what we want to accomplish. 

I know this all too well.  From a guy's perspective I did not feel "sexy" I guess you would say.  I had no self confidence and felt that every gal around just wanted to be my friend and would never give me the time of day.  Losing 130 pounds so far has given me a world of confidence now.  Sure i am still "big" in a lot of folks eyes but I have a head of confidence now that radiates out to all around me.  Changing how you see yourself changes how others see you too. 

I love how you "grown" as you've shrunk!

I have always felt that intellectually I compete successfully with almost anyone on almost any topic.  I have never felt less than in that area.

As far as body image I had/ have body dysmorphia at both ends.  I ever saw myself as large as i was at the top.  I am still struggling with seeing the new body.  I am just now beginning to feel sexy and comfortable with my new body.  I will feel pretty smokin' if I can figure out how to pay for a tummy tuck!  It is an interesting ride this weight loss thing.

All of you lovely folks are an inspiration to me and many others.  Keep working the plan, see your psych for tune ups as needed, and love yourself!  You are all worth it!
Denise

You know, it might be the curse of the smart girl-you are smart, therefore you can't be pretty?

Snicker snicker at Body dysmorphia at both ends.....I had a terrible visual, but I've got it bad too-however it feels (and this may sound strange) like it's really bad now because it's going to get better.  Sometimes in order to push through the sh**pile, you have to slog through the deepest part.

 

I haven't posted in months because I think nobody cares about what I say or think---and nobody missed me.  I've always had poor self-esteem and depression issues.  After I had my stomach stapled and lost over 200 lbs. I still had those problems which is why I gained my weight back.  When I watch Ruby she seems so confident and out-going that I wonder how she put on all that weight if she has good self-esteem and lots of friends.  I like the show but I really have doubts about her achieving success without weight loss surgery.  I guess having a TV show documenting her progress is great motivation to stay on track.  I think all the people who were featured on Big Medicine also had the same motivation.  I'm trying to stay motivated but I haven't been the model patient.  I'm still exercising and trying to watch what I eat but the farther out you are the more difficult it becomes.     

Deb, and all of y'all really, I want to say that I'm learning so much from reading your journeys in weight loss.  And one thing I'm seeing from everyone, and I'm included in that group, is that we don't love ourselves first.  We are so hypercritical of ourselves and it sounds like, no matter how much we accomplish, we're never going to believe that it's enough.  Why are we like this?  How do we stop that "inner voice" that keeps saying, "You're a screw up.  You know it, I know it and it's obvious to everybody." 

When do we give ourselves permission to be in love with the nice people we are, or are trying to become?  Long story there, but suffice it to say, I'm trying hard to overcome the cynicism and suspicion brought on by too many years of full immersion in Law Enforcement.  My goal is to become the softer, more accepting, loving person that I admire in others, regardless of my outer self's appearance.   I want to know that when I've accomplished my weight goals that I'll be able to accept myself as the "gorgeous diva" I want to become as well as to keep striving to be the loving and softer inner person that I want to be.

Deb, I so hear you about the hair and what I call the "full race face" makeup business.  I'm a very tailored type person, not a ruffley real feminine type persona at all.  I admire those girls who ARE that way, I just don't have the patience to do all that.  I am a tomboy, always have been, always will be.  Is that good enough?  I hope so.

I'm not sleeping again tonight due to an injured shoulder that's giving me pure Hades for pain, so forgive my rambling.  I just wanted y'all to know that I for one, appreciate your sharing of your thoughts, insights, insecurities and willingness to help those of us who are just trying to start on this journey.  Sounds like this surgery brings about a lot more discovery than mere weight loss. 

Sorry your shoulder is hurting.  Yes, self discovery is a big part of this, but it should be a part of life at all times.  Maybe the weight loss just opens us back up to it.

Pamela-I've thought the same thing about the TV show, but honestly, if biggest loser or lifetime called and said "Deb, we want to put you on TV" I couldn't do it.  I used to be completely phobic of the camera, and life intervened and I had to get over it while I was still heavy, but I just couldn't bare all like that (unless they gave me full editorial rights pre-airing).

I also want to say that people probably care a lot what you think-because you've been done a path we all fear-regaining-and you are surviving and fighting back and moving on.  So yeah, from my standpoint, you have experience I want to hear about, and in return, I'd be happy to help you with what I know.