learning to be me

Okay yall,
I'm going to need your help here. Ever since I was old enough to care about the opposite sex I have tirelessly looked for that "perfect mate" of corse I'm still looking. I find that every relationship that I've been in, once I'm exclusively involved I start to get serious fast. I feel a rush to "make things official" I did this with my marriage and it's part of the reson i'm divorced (granted I wouldn't change anything I did then because that's how i got my beautiful son, however I digress) So, I'm just recently out of serious relationship #3 we got very close to engagement (down payment on a ring) just within 6 months of dating. I was thinking today about the year ahead and what I'd like to change about myself (aside from getting my WLS and loosing 100lbs or at least getting a good start) in 2009, when I realized...I don't even know my own intrests and goals...
for the last 5+ when I think about my intrests I find myself discribing my mom's intrests, or my son's, or my SO's. When someone asks me what I do for fun...I draw a blank. don't get me wrong I have fun, alot of fun...but it's always someone else's fun....not really MY fun. When I consider my long term goals...at the forfront is finding a good man and settleing down. For some reason, I've talked myself into believeing that if I found Mr. Right....and married him that I would be happy...I'm starting to think i've got this backwards...perhaps I should simply be happy and Mr. Right might find me. So my new year's resolution (excluding weight related ones) is to learn how to be happy, just being who I am. To stop trying to mold myself around someone else's idea of what I think they want me to be. To learn all I can about who I am and what I want for MY life...Here's where your help is needed.
For at least the next year, If you guys start to see me whine or complain about being lonely or wishing I had a man in my life, please remind me of this post, please tell me that I need to spend some time with myself, and in prayer and that I'm worth someone taking an intrest in me and seeking me out for a change. That when God sees that it's right he'll make it happen for me. I love you guys and I will need your support for the comming year for all the changes I've got planned for my life.

I think it's a great outlook that you have.  You've got to be yourself, or find yourself, before you can be with someone else.  I promise to tell you to put on your big girl panties if need be :)

I am one of the few the proud women to say having a man in ones life does not make a perfect happy one. I learned when I was 18 that  before I could find the "perfect" man. I would have to be the "perfect" woman. That simply means be independent but at the same time know when to be dependent. Stand up for what you believe in and don't back down. Find what makes you happy and don't settle for less. learn new things and try new things... And like I just told my 28 year old niece last night... being single is not a bad  thing it just means you are not going to settle for less when the best is still out there. Quit looking and start living. When you are ready Mr. Right will come along. For me, he found me online in a weight loss chat room. Funny part about it is he lives only 200 miles from where I come from.

sounds like you did some real soul searching and i love what you found. so many times we as women will sette for anyone just to have someone. good job girl. you may whine as much as you like and we will remind u of your commitment e/time you do!!!

One of the few things my brother and I agree on is that the only really compelling reason to get married is to raise children together-and even then, it's not an absolute must.  I think relationships would last longer and be just generally better if people where honest about what they really wanted and what they were and were not willing to give up in order to get that.

I myself am a dangerous woman-I know that I can take care of myself and once I realized that, the whole marriage thing kind of faded in importance.  But the catch 22 is that most of the decent people who want long term/lasting relationships also seem to want that dang legal arrangement.

This may sound horrible, but you know me, I'm just going to put it out there.  Women live so much longer than men, learning to live alone and be self sufficient isn't a terribly bad idea, and it gives you something to fall back on later.  My mom basically went from her parent's house to my father's house, and without my brother and I to watch over her, she'd be in a real jam when he goes.  I don't ever want to be in that position.  

 Being lonely at times is not the worse thing in the world, and I'm still holding out for those 3 or 4 really special part time men, then I'll settle down. 

 

Let me be perfectly honest here...  The ONLY reason women lives so much longer than men is because of this item right here....---->



Oh yes, sweet delilah....I have seen the face of the enemy and she's got nice cleavage and stuff....

T.

I decided several years ago after disaster number 3 who I can close to marrying and being I swear killed by that I have a BAD PICKER and that for me the best choice was to simply stay that independant woman who took care of it all by myself for so long before he came and to do it the rest of my life. Besides with my two kids and things I went through with the one I was dumb enough to marry that it is simply safer for me to wait till they are grown. You have made a great choice for you and hard as it maybe especially the long nights at first (if you have been used to having someone there) you will soon come to the conclusion it NICE not to have to answer to anyone. If I dont want to really cook well we do tv dinners or order out, if I dont get around to cleaning the whole house there is no one to gripe except me, if I decide to take off on a weekend get away I pack us up and off we go no need to discuss it with anyone. I am total QUEEN in my house and I LOVE IT!!!

This is a well thought out, well composed post.  I applaud you for figuring out what it takes many until middle age to figure out.

One thing I will tell you for certain though- there are many worse things in life than being alone like being in a toxic relationship.

You DO need to be happy with yourself before you try to make someone else happy.  You DO need to know yourself before you enter into a long term relationship.  You need to know what is important to you and what you can negotiate about.  At age 50 I have some maturity under my belt.  I have just re-entered the dating world after a LONG absence.  I know what things are deal breakers now.  I know what things I will positively not compromise on.  And, even at middle age this dating stuff is still a lot like junior high!  Good luck on your journey!  We can both post and whine when needed!

Wait?? Does this mean you are dating now??Oh WOW!!

Sherry

This is an interesting topic on several levels. First, congratulations on thinking about this!! Most people are unaccustomed to thinking deeply. IMHO they just sort of drift from one mediocre situation to another without a plan. This unfortunately leads to disappointing relationships. I have turned this over and over in my mind. Seeing one's self worth is a daily responsibility. Not as easy as it seems. I know that for me, and speaking only for me, in the past I was too passive.
One of my favorite quotes (and I do LOVE good quotes) goes like this:
         
        Be who you are and say what you feel
       because those who matter won't mind
        and those who mind don't matter.

So there you go!! Improve yourself and be yourself. We should all help each other with this. This is soooooooooo tied to weight loss I think.

~Lisa~