Whiney Post - I'm just venting

 I haven't posted lately but here's what's been going on.  My soon to be 88 YO mother called my brother up and told him I was getting married.  I'm not but I do have her permission to marry some felon I haven't met.  She thinks I'm getting married because I've been cleaning my house and bought a bicycle.  Since this guy just got out of prison and lives in an apartment and rides a bike, she thought I had a "friend".  When I told her I wasn't getting married, she said that beggars can't be choosers.  There's probably some dementia going on but with 5 brothers, it's hard to come to a consesus about what should be done.  I'm way tired because although I buy the groceries my mother asks for they are never what she wants.  There's a lot of stress there.  

Work has been tough due to various software problems but hopefully, they'll be solved by Monday.  If not, there will be a ton of late nights at 3001.  Thursday morning, I was talking to someone at work and almost passed out.  I'm not sure why because I had an egg and some yogurt for breakfast and have been drinking H2O.  I had to sit down for 15 minutes before I could leave the office and go back to my desk.  David has a diabetic son so he could relate and let me sit.  I was coherent the entire time but it was scary.  I didn't have my kit with me to check blood sugar but I stayed close to my desk for the rest of the day.  

Anyway, I do check the board regularly and send prayers and thoughts as much as possible.  I do have a lot of blessings to be thankful for but right now, it's hard to see them.  Hope to see you all at the next support group meeting but if I haven't lost weight, i don't know if I'll be there.  i feel really ashamed.

donna

I know this is hard.  We had my wife's mother live with us the last year of her life and she had dementia.  It got tiresome to have her ask the same question dozens of times per day, but we knew it was not her fault.  It's was hard to see her that way.  And, regarding the last paragraph -- YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT PERFECT?  Huh, imagine that.  Don't feel ashamed if you haven't lost.  You are still loved, and it will happen.  We are here for the support you need.  Whine away, but get going what you need to do at the same time.  Michael

Hi, Donna.
I'm so sorry for all the issues you are facing right now, with your mom and what's going on physically. It may be stress-related. I'm no doctor, but I would encourage you to have your blood pressure taken daily for a week, to see how that's going. There's a reason why you felt faint. Let's find out what it is. Okay?
Take care.
Blessings,
Mary

Donna, I am sending you a big big hug.  Dementia is the thief that robs us of our loved ones before they pass on.  On one hand, you know it's the disease and not the person, but the words are coming out of the mouth of someone you love and trusted most of your life, or, if you didn't, someone you wanted to love and trust most of your life.  As a child, I used to have this great fear that I would run to the cellar but the rest of my family would be taken away.  As an adult, I see the fear has already happened, even though they are still here.  They really can't take care of ME any more-I can only take care of them.  Now, that is the way of things, but it's also a human need to want your Mom, and you can't just switch that need off because it's time.

I ran into my own mother at Walgreens the other day, and I had some picture frames in my basket.  She asked what they were for, and I said "a project I'm doing" and without even thinking about it she said "You don't need the big ones"......but she had no idea what I was going to do with them in the first place.  It just seems to be hardwired into her head that whatever I do is wrong.  Sadly, there seems to be some gender bias going on, because whatever my brother does is right or necessary, because "he's a good man".

I left a high paying job in Dallas to move back here.  When I mentioned teaching, my father said "what could YOU teach anyone?"    (I have a Master's Degree and about 20 years corporate experience, all bought and paid for myself).

It's the disease, it's not them. I know they love me, but if they acknowledge what I've done, it makes them feel bad or weak.  So, in their minds, I've become the ne'er do well daughter who has moved home for them to take care of (I have my own home a few houses down).  Every now and then, the stars align, and we connect-and it's those moments that make it all worthwhile.

Don't be hard on yourself too-your Mom is going to be hard enough on you over the next while.  I've sort of let my Mom take the place of the negative voice in my head-since she's doing the job I don't allow the voice to speak much any more.  If you haven't lost weight, the support group is where you need to be....it may be that you need the fat awhile longer to shelter you-for that is truly what it is, shelter.  Or, you may decide to step out into the storm again, but if you do, you will need your friends.

Shame isn't necessary.  Our parents get old, work stuff happens, we all understand that.  I hope you can take at least a few minutes this weekend to walk outside and breathe the fall air, and look at the leaves beginning to turn.  Realize, this is a season in your life like any other season, and soon the page will turn again. 

 

bless your heart!! you should still attend support group even if you haven't lost weight because right now what you need is big support. if you don't go be sure and get on here more often and talk to us and let us make you feel better. take it from me....these people can pick you up when you are down and even give you a swift kick in the butt no matter how far away from them you live. and they are good at it!! keep your chin up and good luck!

Donna,
I totally know what you are going through.  I kept my grandmother here at my house for 2 years.  She has Alzheimer's.  She had been over for dinner one night and I went to take her home.  I walked her inside and when we got there she was so confused that she didn't realize she was home.  Just like that!  Boom!  She came back home with me and stayed after that.  We put her in the nursing home a couple of years ago because she kept falling off of my front porch.  Its not high, but its a single step down.  Well, she forgot about the step down or step up and fell 3 times.  Then one day she took off down the road and I totally freaked out because I didn't  know where she was.  She didn't either!  I love my granny very much. She raised me and she is a wonderful person.  I hate it that her body outlived her mind.  She always told me she didn't want that to happen. 
I didn't mean to go into such detail but I wanted you to know that I know how hard it can be.  Like Michael said, they ask the same question's over and over.  Especailly in the evening.  I got to where I couldn't leave the house at all because she didn't like anyone but me.  I know the shame you feel.  I would get so aggrivated with her sometimes.  Then feel terrible because I know she would NEVER act that way if she knew what she was doing.
Let go of your guilt and above all take care of yourself.  You have to stay healthy to take care of your momma! You need the supt groups too.  Go to them every chance you can.  If you haven't lost weight then maybe you can talk to someone there about things you can tweak to help you out.  But talking and being with other people will help you!
Best of luck and I hope that you take the advice everyone has given you and not be so hard on yourself.  Check in here more often and let your OH family be there for you too!  
Hugs
Kim 

donna, I am so sorry about your mom and the dementia. I took care of my grandpa the last year of his life and he had alzheimers. It is no fun. You have my prayers. Sounds like you need to carry your glucometer in your purse. That is what I do. Sometimes my sugar drops like a rock. Glad you had an understanding boss. Don't skip the support meetings. Even if you haven't lost weight you need to go. Fellowship with folks is comforting.
Big hugs,
Emily

Donna,
I just want you to know that every night when I put my CPAP on, I pray for you and your family. I don't know much about you but I pray every night....See what your gift to me has done....you get extra prayers!!
I too understand about dealing with caring for an elderly family member and it is the hardest thing I have ever done,,,but on the other hand it was the best thing I have done too.
I hope you have called your doctor to find out what is going on. I know stress can do many things but you still should talk to the doctor.
Also don't stay away from support groups if you haven't lost anything.....Now is when you need it the most!
Take care and do stay in touch!
Sherry