Warning...I'm apparently having a bad day...bad mood...

So, now that I have lost 95+ pounds, I want a new lifestyle but I am not sure how to effect lasting change.  My life is work, family and that is it.  I have not even one friend.  I haven't had a friend in almost 5 years.  No one to talk to about things or hang out with.  I want friends but don't really know what I am doing wrong.  I am kind of shy but not cripplingly shy.  I have a pretty good sense of humor.  Is it my self-esteem still?  Am I the only one out there that only has "superficial" friends at work or online?  Does anyone really connect anymore or is our world just too busy?  Am I just too boring and too serious? I know I should be grateful to have a wonderful husband and two beautiful, caring, funloving daughters.  And I am...I really am....but....... Am I being selfish to want more?  Does anyone relate to this?  I do not hate myself and I am not depressed. I am not looking for sympathy or everyone to say "I'll be your friend, honey!"  I just don't understand the lack of friendship in my life and wonder why it's there and how to change it.  We share so many of our struggles online and give each other advice about it.  Is it ok to ask about this?  Any advice out there?  I always hear if you want a friend be a friend.  What does that mean and how do you do it?  Please don't bash me though!  As Jewel sings..."PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME, I'M SENSITIVE AND I'D LIKE TO STAY THAT WAY...."

Diana, I too have no friends. I think maybe we are not opening ourselves up to friendship. I quit working last year and all my " friends " just kinda dropped away one by one. I have a great relationship with DH and kids, but really need a life of my own. I think my surgery will give me back that self esteem. Being obese has kept my from outings with other people long enough. I do have times when I want to just share with an equal and not family. I am taking my life back and you should too.  Today!  Maybe try to find a book club or other group that shares your interest. Maybe try to reconnect with old friends. I think I may take my own advise on that one. Hope you have a great weekend, Cindy 

Thanks,  I just thought when I lost a great deal of weight my self esteem would improve...it has but not enough I guess and I just am not bold enough to meet people and make friends.  Once I get to know someone I am fun and funny and yet serious at times also...I am a Gemini afterall!!!!   But I feel stuck and don't know how to get unstuck!  I have only had 3 really good friends as an adult.  Two didn't like the huge changes that naturally had to happen when my 20 year marriage fell apart and I became a single parent.  I hadn't worked outside the home in 11 years and I had to change overnight to survive.  I was still me...just not the doormat anymore.  The other one stole my husband from me...but she actually did me a favor in the long run.  lol!!!  Now I am married to a real man who isn't afraid to love and be loved.  If he was home more I don't think I would be so upset by my lack of friends. 

I don't know if weight will make a difference in my life or not.....I am not out man hunting or woman hunting....I just want to have nice clean fun....like I said...I don't know what is missing really....just me maybe...

I think there's a lot of reasons why people don't connect anymore.  This medium is one of them.  Everyone stays in their air conditioned homes and looks at the boob tube or plays on the computer.  Try putting some folding chairs in the driveway and sit out there with your hubby.  Believe it or not, your neighbors will some out to see what's going on.   It takes a lot of effort to get out and develop a group of friends.  And, don't get me wrong, there is a difference between friends and acquaintances.  I think a person is really lucky if they have one, true friend in their life -- someone that will do anything for you at any time.  Otherwise, they're mostly acquaintances.  I'm glad you have a husband and family.  There are a lot of us out here that have the family but no one to share their lives with.  Church is a good place to start -- volunteer !!!  Figure out something you enjoy doing and meet people through common interests.  Now if you can just tell me how to find a good man in my life we can solve each other's problems !!  Chin up and smile -- if people don't think you're nice they'll wonder what you've been up to. 

Thanks!  You have some great points and the years I was a single parent and not one man looked my way, I will never forget them.  I know that lonliness and I think that's why I feel a little guilty for wanting more...because I have a loving husband.  When he is home I am quite content but he's only home 4 to 6 days a month!!!  As for church, our family has been going to a great church for 3 years now and none of us is connected....well, my youngest is I guess.  Even in churches people don't seem to connect anymore.  I began singing in the choir and was well on my way to making friends and feeling a part of something bigger than myself and my family and then they changed formats to a 3 person praise team.  The people whom I was beginning to befriend changed churches over it all.  I signed up to serve at the mission downtown and the directors of the program decided to become missionaries (which is wonderful) but the program fell apart.  I think I am bad luck to church programs and should stay out of them....just kidding....lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Maybe I give up too easily????  I met my dear hubby on Match.com but I'd say 99% of the online stuff is just a meat market and you have to be very careful.  I was even on EHarmony and met sharks on there claiming to be good Christian men. I loved my singles group when I was single.....but normally you can't date who is in your singles group..they become your brothers and sisters and family.  Good luck to you also...and keep your chin up too!!!!

Hey Gang - I just want you to know that every one of us has felt this way at one time or another.  You guys need to know that although I am very outgoing in our "little world" of WLS - I am way more reserved and conservative when you get me away from you guys.  It is difficult learning how to be real with yourself and relearn all of the things we should have known or done for the last umpteenth years to keep ourselves active and sociable.  However, it CAN be done.  Is it difficult - HELL YES!!  But....  I am at my best when I am in a group of people that I feel "safe" around - hence you guys!!  But I find myself also wanting more from life and am having to be creative and almost pushy sometimes in order to get it!  But little by little I find myself coming out of a shell and wondering what else there is out there - trying to GET A LIFE!! Find something that you love to do, then find a way to do it in a group - even if the group is 2 people it is a start!  One of the reasons for the walking groups and the monthly get togethers is also to help us become more social creatures because ALL of us have been hiding behind our weight for too many years!   Volunteering is a great idea - even if it is just for something as simple as a walk volunteer, church volunteer, after school program, yada yada... there are many things that you can find to volunteer to do.  Just make sure it is something YOU ENJOY!!  If you aren't going to enjoy something then there is no reason to do it! I, of all people, am not going to preach at any of you.  I am and have been in the same position wanting so much more from my life.  But you have to figure out a way to get what you need from others, not being manipulative but creative and honest, and start over with the new you.  This is also possible for those of you who are pre-op or still researching!  Never give up when it is something you need and want.  We have been doormats for too long and you need to empower yourselves to get more of what you need in your life.   Just know that there are a lot of us out there with the same thoughts and issues and that you are not alone.  My hope is that many friendships will continue to develop within our forum and that some great long-term associations and relationships will be the end result. 

Ruth,  Wow!  What a great post!  You brought litle tears to my eyes!  I appreciate your advice!  I am sure it will help more than just me!  I think one of my problems is that I didn't go to the Southside walking group today and I feel bad about it but I just couldn't get up today at 7 something!!!  I needed some dang sleep!  I am hoping the walking group will grow.  I feel so unworthy to be the "leader" of it and especially since I only go about 50% of the time.  Maybe I need to organize an evening walk if that would work for any Southsiders???  I do think that we understand each other so much on here and that is a great start for friendships....and empowerment sounds wonderful to me!!!!  You know we pick on you a lot in a teasing way because you are so funny and outgoing and I was so surprised and touched by your wonderful reply...you are a great motivator.  I am so glad that you have a passion for the WLS community.  THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diana - thank you.  Sometimes I hesitate to post because I don't want to be the "ONE" to upset or mess others up.  There is still a long of angst hanging around in the back of my head too! As far as the exercise, if you need to move the time/day to something different do what YOU need to do.  I have really increased my exercise this week (even though it was outside WLS circles) but I have felt a whole bunch better.  And both my walking partner and I really need the additional exercise and social aspect so it is working out for both of us.  And who knows what else may develop but at this point it is a good friendship! I don't mind you guys picking on me, it is good entertainment and I can take it!  I appreciate the support that you guys give me as well so seeing you say that I motivate you is an awesome pay back!  I'll try to continue to do you guys proud!!  Hang in there - remember we had a long time to get screwed up in the head and it is going to take a long time to fix it too.  Don't forget that Dr. Keller is available - just schedule an appointment with him!!  Life is good - we have to go out and LIVE it now!! Love ya (like a little kid loves cake) -that's for you Rita!!  

I understand what you are saying completely! I feel like the only people I ever get to talk with are DH and kids! I used to go shopping, go out to lunch, and even meet friends for drinks once in awhile. The more overweight I have become, the less in touch with friends I am. I am so hoping this gets better when I lose some weight and feel better about myself. NO WAY is it selfish to want more. I think we need more to stay sane! How to meet these friends? That's where I'm stuck.