Serious question and then some venting(possibly the answer to my question)

Hello all~     I sure do need a hug today. Just having a DAY. Okay, here is the serious question. I am obviously overweight and every time here lately that I have been really exerting myself (a crazy z*m* dance/aerobics class, dragging limbs around my yard, etc.) I have been getting this pounding in my head, a bit dizzy, and then a headache to boot. What's up with that?    Next, I need to vent. Having a great day and then my mom calls. She lives in IN (so too far away to go chip in and help) and someone broke into her house the night before last. She has been living with her boyfriend for awhile, but goes to her house everyday to do chores, etc. She's also been fixing it up to move back in. They apparently stole a bunch of things and just ransacked the place. It wasn't even a year ago when someone stole an old book of her checks that didn't get shredded and bounced checks EVERYWHERE. She's going to be 66 this year and it just irritates the dickens out of me that she is having so many issues. She doesn't need this kind of garbage in her life right now. She should be thinking about all the cool things she is going to be doing once she retires this summer. GRRRRRRR!!!!! There's also other issues going on with my brothers and sisters. Of course they each have their issues but they are far away too and I can't fix everyones problems. In the meantime, I drive myself crazy wishing I could.     Finally I am so tired of being fat and hating myself for it. I hate that word. FAT. OBESE. These are not words I want associated with me. I don't want people to tell me "oh honey, you really don't look that big (as far as me being majorly obese)". I also know that I should be thankful. I do have ins. that will pay at least a little. I also don't think they will make me do any of the crazy dieting to prove I am fat and need this surgery. I do have a fantastic hubby that is so supportive of me, fat or not (for example we were talking last night and he said "honey, I married you for you, loving all of you, without ever a thought of hoping to change you or make you skinny". Why can't I cut myself that much slack? Why can't I love myself that much??? UGGGGHHHH!!!!!       On the upside, I have a date with Dr. Gorospe's office the 11th. Anybody want to offer advice on the intake visit, what to expect next, etc. Anyone want to tag along and be my coach? LOL.  Anyway, sorry so long. Just had to get it all off my chest. Something funny though...I was on my to my in-laws and there was a tree service in the middle of the road collecting limbs and I am sitting there crying having a moment. I don't know if he saw me, but he finally moved the truck. Guess he decided to move out of the way for the weepy woman. What a hoot. I can't wait for tomorrow. New day. Fresh outlook.  Still thinking and praying for you Dan. You've already started your weight loss adventure.  hugs~ joni

Joni everything is going to be okay hun.  For me, I had to finally get to that point where I said enough.  I am man enough to admit I bawled like a 2 year old who lost his favorite toy.  I was sick of being who I am now.  I wanted the change.  The first thing I did was remove as much drama from my life as I could.  That meant leaving behind a life of being a bar fly that I had been for 13 years.  Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I was up there listening to all the drama from everyone I knew.  It effected me greatly so i had to get away from it.  I havent been out in over a year now.  My moral of the story is try to remove yourself as best you can from the drama and not let it effect you.  Also the consult with Dr. Gorospe will be a lot of fun he will sit and talk to you and answer everything you need answered.  I might be able to see ya up there cause that will be about the time of my two week post appointment.

Joni:  I think what you have done is finally come to the point in your life that you know you need to take care of you and however that looks, it is what it is.  Just like an alcoholic has to hit bottom before they can claw their way back up, so goes the obese when they finally start their journey. One of the things it took a long time for me to figure out is that I was THE caretaker.  Not just of my own daughter, but also my mother, father, brother, friends, co-workers, etc.  I had to decide - to choose - to be my OWN caretaker.  You have hit your breaking point.  YIPPEE for you!  Now you can CHOOSE to take part in fixing this!  You have already figured out that this is NOT the easy way out, not simple, not a *SNAP*.  it is REALLY had work!   So, weep, cry, scream, shout and then get down to the "living" part!  The weeping, crying, screaming, shouting part is definitely not going to be over for a little while. But you will be able to look back and say to yourself "wow - i can LIVE now, i can ENJOY my life"... Your first appointment will have your head swimming!  It will be such a relief for a doctor to finally say - I WILL HELP YOU!!  And we will all be here to cheer you along as you make your way to the losers bench! (((HUGE HUGS))) and get yourself in gear and let's go!!! R

Hola again~       Here I am again, and it's still not tomorrow. Know what though? It already looks brighter thanks to yall. Ruth, you hit the nail on the head. Here I am, trying to be super woman. Let me save the world. I want to be super mom, super wife, super friend, daughter, granddaughter, christian, etc... Who's fault is it when none of that works out? MINE. I label myself the failure. I am my biggest critic. You are darn right though. It's time to start saving myself. At least I can for sure do something about ME. It has been a long day, and my child is sacked out. Hopefully for the night. I think it's time I do the same. Thanks again for all the love guys, and keep me posted Dan about your surg and followup apptmts. Believe it or not, my life is becoming less dramatic. I'm trying to weed out those people that just suck the life right out of you. Take care and catch up with you all later!!! Hugs~ Joni

Bless your heart, Joni. I understand what you're talking about. I think it may go along with many of us .... trying to protect everyone else from everything and letting ourselves get worn out, ignoring our own health and needs, then stressing out and /or eating to try to deal with everything. After a while it all piles up and we're feeling crushed under our self-imposed load of protecting everyone but ourselves. I think your Dr. appointment will be a good time to ask questions, figure things out, and try to relax a little with all the information you will receive. Lean on others for a while and accept their kind words and offers of support and help.  You're in my prayers.  ((((HUGS))))   Shelly

{{{HUGS}}} Joni!  My intake appointment is also on the 11th.  I've got an 8am appointment, what time is yours?  Maybe I can fill you in on how it went.  I did my essay but I'm worried that I didn't say the right things :(  How did it go filling yours out?

Hugs and Kisses from Arkansas, sorry you are having such a rough time, go for a walk and breathe some fresh air and try and relax, all things usually work themselves out. AmyBeth

((Hugs)) I understand about your mom and wanting to help. I was my mom's person responsible for all medical visits, etc. I drove 2 hours to pick her up to drive her 3 hours to appointments. She passed in September, so that's no longer my responsibility. I hit rock bottom and started sobbing at my desk last April out of nowhere...and vowed not to let another year go by being fat. I was too young (44) too feel so old and broken down. I had tried unsuccessfully for years trying to lose weight, jumping on the newest bandwagon and watching Richard Simmons commercials ad nauseum. This is an emotional journey that I think is emotional at every stage. I cried when I stepped off the scales at my first weigh-in after surgery because I was back int he 200's for the first time in years. Now, I have a little over 20 pounds to go to hit the one's which I haven't been since high school. You can't save everybody, my friend, but you can love them all from a distance which may be healther for you. Know that you matter. Know that you are a woman who deserves to live and to feel good.  Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I agree with everyone. I felt that I had come to a point if I didn't do something I would not make it much longer. It is hard to worry about your family and I would be the same if it was my mom but now is the time to do for yourself. I would get the pounding headache and dizzness checked out. It could be a lot of things. Vent all you need everyone here is great to listen.