Not Getting Support Here...

Hi My name is Jimmy, I will be 42 years old on the 1st of Feb. I was a truck driver until I was ruled disabled on Oct. 3rd. 2004. I have all kinds of health issues and every doctor I have seen has recommended that I get weight loss surgery. I have started the process but it is very slow going and very frustraiting. I am sure you all know what I am going through. The problem is I am not getting support from home. My wife (who I love with all my heart) thinks it is a bad idea and that if I get it I am going to die. Which I can understand her concern, but I have a greater chance of dying if I don't get it. Every time we even try to discuss it we wind up in a fight. She is basing her oppinion on the fact that she has a friend whose wife died on the operating table during WLS. But what she doesn't take into account is that she died from an allergic reaction to the antisetic. In her eyes all WLS is bad. This is all fueled by her mother (who I think is a great woman and I love very much) she is against it too. Citing the same reasons as my wife for not wanting me to get it. I have tried without success, to get them to go to a WLS meeting with me or come talk to the deitatican I am going too. I have even tried to get them on here to read the post and talk to the WLS post-ops. but i can't get either to budge on the issue. I have already told both of them that I love them, but I have to do this for myself and I am going to do it with or without there approval. So I have come to the people that can really understand where I am coming from and the reason why I want this so badly. I need for someone to be on my side, to talk to without rejection, to lift me up when I get knocked down, and to inspire me to keep fighting the good fight. I am looking for a few friends to talk to about my WLS. Jimmy

Hi Jimmy, When I first started my journey my son(21) was so against it but I sit him down and we talked it over, he was concerned something would happen during the surgery and I tild him " I can go on like I am and have a heart attack or stroke or worse and I would much rather die knowing I was trying to make a difference and he also admitted he was concerned I would not do what I was supposed to do( he has witnessed a friend of mine having the surgery and not doing what she was supposed to and still weighs as much as she did from day one. I told him there is no way on Gods green earth am I going to have a major surgery just to louse it up, this was a gift to me to start a whole new life so that I could be here for my kids and my grandson. I also explained to him I was tired of being in pain everyday and being tired all the time, after a long talk he understood more and came around after that. He now complains that they can longer keep up with me LOL. I am glad I have the support of my family and lord knows I would not make it without my mom she has been an angel through it all. Keep reassuring your wife and help her understand why you want and need this surgery. Good Luck and email if you are your wife want to chat or ask questions.

Hi Jimmy, I understand what you are saying. My brother was against me having the surgery. I told him that I would die if I didn't have the surgery. It was my last chance for a normal life. One year later, guess who is one of my biggest cheerleaders? My brother, of course. We are all here for you and support your decision. Please feel free to email or call me. I will be happy to be there for you, too. Good luck Linda

I feel your pain. It took a long time for me to get the support of my husband and daughter. About the only people supporting me was my son (who is overweight) and my mother-in-law (Morbidly Obese) Does your wife know firsthand how hard it is to lose weight without surgical intervention? I think my husband and daughter really thought I could do this on my own, if only I REALLY tried.>>I guess countless dieting attempts had only been halfhearted in their opinion. Finally, my husband thought maybe lapband would be okay, and after a lot of crabbing from me, (and much bribery*wink**wink*), he agreed to go to a seminar. That totally changed his mind. The first thing Dr. Barbara said at his seminar were the statistics of those who succeed at lowering their BMI's to lower than 29 with traditional weight loss attempts when they begin with a bmi of greater than 50. (I believe it was something like .09%) I think that was the first time he really realized that I was fighting a losing battle. Bribe, cry, Bit*h, do whatever necessary to get your wife to a seminar. Even use the old standby--If you love me at all, you'll at least spend ONE afternoon with me. Best of Luck. Theresa

Jimmy, I know it is a hard thing to go thru alone. Everyone in my family was against it except my daughters. My daughters wanted their mother back. They knew what this meant to me. They got on this web site and did their own reseach. They was so excited for me. They even made comments to me. Like . I hope you get this surgery soon. I hate seeing you like this. They was afraid I would die before my surgery. That is why they was the only ones at the hospital the day of my surgery. I didnt want any one negative. Husband wasnt aloud to go. I told him to work. My dad called me everyday and told me he wanted me to back out. of the surgery. All my sisters and my brother was against it. I have a cousin that had this done,She is very messed up from it. But that was 20 years ago. When I was waiting around for my surgery that is all I could think about. Now they are all so happy with my out come. They are so proud of my weight loss. My dad talks about me all the time. He is so happy for me. We are here for you Jimmy all the way. I cant wait to see you SKINNY Hugs Barb Hugs It only gets better. If they say anything ( Tell them they do not walk in your shoes. Tell them you need them to support you for your decision. Tell them you. Let them know you are not backing out. and you do not want to hear anything else negative about your upcomming surgery. My husband was jealous he did not want me thin. He still isnt very happy with my change of life.

Jimmy, I am sorry that your family is not supporting you in your decision. The thing about it is it is YOUR decision. I know while I was deciding on why I wanted to do this, I came to this conclusion. ITS MY LIFE. I had to do it for me and me only. I wanted to be around for my 14 yr old daughter and my 11 yr old son as well. My husband supported my decision, but I think now he does not like the changes because he is still overweight. You just have to take the attitude that you are doing it for you. You want to live life to its fullest, you are tired of feeling like crap. I hope you are coming to the support group meetings that OSU has. There are a great bunch of people that attend those who are 2-3 yrs out. They have become my extended family. They totally understand where I am coming from and how I feel. Your wife will appreciate your decision, once you start losing the weight and will be around to spend your life loving her. Just know we are here for you always. Good Luck and God Bless... Lots of Hugs, Julie

I am living that life also. My boyfriend/husband (after 10 years and 3 kids it might as well be marriage) is totally against me having this surgery and has done everything he can to talk me out of it. He is certain that I am going to die, or have complications. He will no****ch any weight loss programs about the surgery nor will he go to a support meeting. We Also fight everytime I bring it up so I try not to but it is always on my mind and hard not to talk to him about it. My mom was also against it but has resigned herself to the fact that I am going to have it (insurance approval permitting) no matter what anyone else thinks...It would be nice to have support and that is why I come to these boards, because of the support. It is hard to explain to anyone that is not MO how this is our only chance at a "normal" life. Just once I would love to know what it feels like to be a normal weight (I have always been obese). I want to be able to walk without hurting..I want to run, I want to exercise, I want to move, I want to fit into chairs, I want to buy nomal size clothes that look like more than just a sheet of cloth over all this fat....I could go on all night. This is your journey and you know that this is what you want and what you need to do for YOU.....I wish you luck on your journey......

Hey there Jimmy! Sounds familiar! Wives are often scared not only of the risks of the surgery, But there's that- "What if he becomes a different person That will want to move on in other areas as well?" Even if the thought isn't conscious, it nags in the back of their mind And surfaces as borderline irrational fear of the surgery for you. Need some one to talk to about it? We got Your Back! This surgery gave me a life worth sticking around for! I went from 385lbs to 179lbs! I've been at that constant weight for over 9 months now. My wife was also afraid, But now she's delighted. It's made our life together better As it has made mine So much better. Plus, It has taken me from poor health to Great health And given us Many, Many more years together! It's great to see other men out here. We make up such a small percentage (12%) Of the people having Weight Loss Surgery, But tend to reach our goal weights quicker and with less Or at least Different hassles than the Gals Due to Male physiology. Drop by the Men's Message Board And check out what other men like you are going through. It's a diverse make up of Dads, Singles, Older, younger, etc... Pre-Ops, Post-Ops new and some Old (at Goal) Post-Ops. Lap-Banders, RNY'ers DS, etc... Great bunch of guys with the mutual understanding That WLS for Men can be a totally different Journey. Stop by to add your questions, advice, opinions, and info at- http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/men/ It's Great to know we're not so alone, And that there are others pulling for you. And it's particularly useful to get the experiences of other Men Who've had the same sorts of issues with their wives and families. Drop on by - Hope to see you 'Round the Boards! Best Wishes- Dx

Dear Jimmy, My children were all for me having the WLS, but my family ( mom, aunts, sibs, friends) were all very much against me taking the "easy way out", ARGH!!! They told me that they didnt want to hear about it, they didnt want me to talk about it, and if I did they didnt want to know. So I snuck into Columbus Mothers day weekend and had the procedure done. My mom was so ticked I didnt call her on mothers day, But I knew OSU hospital would come up on the caller ID I didnt dare call and wish her a Happy Mothers Day. Now after seeing me lose 158 pounds and being healthier than I have in many many many years they are all right there supporting my choice. I think their reluctance to support us is out of fear of losing us. They love us and they would rather have us here and fat than risk losing us. They cant see how important it is for us to take this leap of faith and have the WLS. Sure we could of died during surgery or from complications. But it was a sure bet for me that at 5"2 and 310 pounds death was knocking at my door and I felt the grim reaper was coming soon... So I was sure it was what I wanted and needed to do for myself and those I loved and wanted to be with for a very long time. We are always here for you, and we know what you are going through. Many of us have had to deal with having no support from the people that we need it from the most. But Jimmy there are a lot of angels here ready to fly in and support you if you need us. Lots of loving hugs, Laura from Southeast Ohio

jimmy...so many of us can tell similar stories- i am too impatient to do all that typing right now- have you read barbara thompson's book about wls? it has a wonderful section for spouses/SO's--buy it or get it from your library- i don't know where my copy is or i would send it to you--get your wife to read it somehow- would she want to talk to someone? i would be happy to talk via phone ( my dime!) and/or my hubby who was very against it (friends died etc)... these boards can be such a life saver to us when we feel taht no one else understands! so many here have been thru the lack of support thing.... talk to us...and i applaud you for wanting to make this change in your (and your wife's) life..... hey- i was very impressed to see Dx e 's reply here-he is great-go to the men's site...i hang on the over 50 forum (today is my 52nd birthday) but i notice you are younger-no biggie-tho "our men" seem to hide alot so we have been mainly taken over by women...we do not discriminate against age there! so many of these boards are full of folks who can sympathise with you and can share advice- keep on pluggin ,,,man!!!!!!!!