Depressed!
I am so depressed! I hate my life and I hate my self and it's all because I hate what I see in the mirror. I don't go on job interviews because I know they look at me funny so the only jobs I try to go get are telemarketing jobs where people don't have to see me in person and this is a bad job because all I did was sit at the desk all day and eat and then go home and sit or lay down and ate. I don't even work now I do go to school and I know people look at me and laugh they have all my life. I have six children and I don't want them to have to go through life with this angry and depressed mother. I question God and I don't want to do that because I love God but it's a mystery to me why he would make my body structure up this way it's like I am allergic to food because it swells me up. I know a lot of "skinny" people who eats a lot sometimes even more than me and they don't gain any weight and the reason that I do must be something that I was born with so therefore it leads me to question the Creator. I feel that he made Adam because He was lonely; He made Eve because Adam was lonely and I feel that I am an Eve who is never going to meet her Adam because of how I look. I am an African-American woman who has no buttock and even though it's a stereotype that Black woman have big butts that's a stereotype that I wouldn't mind having because men look at that. Why do I care what men look at? Because, I am a woman, I want the stares, the double-looks, the approaches that men give woman when they are interested in them. I want to feel loved and beautiful and I feel that men don't love me or think I'm beautiful because of the way that I look. I tend to disagree with the theory that "You Have to Love Yourself First," because as an infant coming into this world you know not love nor hate but through the society and environment that we live in and the standards that were set long before me on the perception of what "Beauty" is you begin to learn not only to hate others for treating you this way but also to hate yourself for having to look this way and this is exactly how I feel. I hate myself and I believe that the surgery is my only solution!!!
Thanks for the support Richard and I am glad I joined AMOS because I am getting alot of support and advice from everyone and I don't mean to sound so depressing but the reality is, is that I am depressed. I am tired of going around pretending nothing is wrong when there is something very wrong. I hope this site will enable me to be stronger. I am so weak and I don't won't to feel like ending my life would be a better resort and when I am so down like this it's no telling what these demons will tell me. Demons, you know, the ones who tell me that I am fat and ugly and never will be anything, I stay strong enough not to do anything that drastic but what is going to happen if I listen to them hard enough. What am I going to do when my children, family, and myself won't be a good enough reason to stay here?
Dear Burnetta,
As a new post op I can only give you one piece of advice, the surgery doesnt solve the self hate issues and the reasons why you overeat. It took me 2 years to get my surgery approved and I considered myself prepared both physically and emotionally. I had come to terms with why I ate and reasearched the surgery completely. But once I had the surgery I found the relationship with my best pal ( food) had changed forever. When I was stressed, happy, sad etc I could no longer turn to food. So what did I do with myself then? I became very depressed and felt trapped that I would never enjoy food again. It took some very supportive friends to help convince me that the enjoyment would return in time, but the realtionship wsa forever changed. Burnetta you need to learn to love yourself now and develop a healthier relationship with food prior to surgery. I am not an expert by any means. I just know I suffered through the worst depression I have ever had the past two weeks. I had to finally reach out to my surgeon for medication to help get me through this. Food is no longer my crutch and my friend to turn to when I am sad, lost, socializing, happy. The pouch allows me to use the tool to fuel my body and so far its serving me well. And I am beginning to love who I am looking at in the mirror. Please start now by journeling and finding things that are good and positive about you, write down the things you have to be greatful in your life. Research the surgery and pay special attention to the emotional aspects that you will deal with post op.
And just know we are here for you each and every step of the way. I found such amazing support and the kindest most sincere people I have met in all of my life. Even after I meet my goal I am sticking around, these people are my friends for life.
Love and hugs,
Laura
Thank you for the support. I just feel so bad and I do love myself as a person but I hate what I look like and it's not just the fat I feel my face is ugly as well and that even if I lose weight my face is still going to be horrible. I feel that I look like a monkey. I am too tired to do exercises and I am not motivated enough or have the will power to keep trying these diets. I need some type of appetite surpressant because I am always hungry. And I feel so lousy and miserable and I think it's unfair that some people are just born with the right body type and they don't have to work as hard or maybe not at all. I hate to look at Beyoncé and Ashanti and see that they were just born prettier and that even if they do have to work out they have the time and the support that they need and the MONEY they need to do it. I am trying to be strong but I feel that I am about to lose my mind! I do things so wrong in life trying to fit in. I sleep with all sorts of men reaching out to them for love that they never give me and I'm tired. My friends keep telling me to lose weight for myself and not for a man. But in all reality I am a woman and I want the double looks from men, I want the attention, I want to feel beautiful. I want a NBA player or a baller. Why should all the smaller women get the top of the line men? I'm tired of getting the bottom of the barrel men just because I'm fat. How come I can't meet a doctor or a lawyer and not for the money because I know how to get my own money and I'll be making my own money I have a CD out because I rap, but the reason that I want them is because I want someone that has the finer things in life and I feel being sexy on a man's arm who is prominate or even if he works as a manager for Mickey D's as long as he is someone who takes care of his responsiblites and lives life to the fullest and put me on his arm down this road of life than that's cool. See, I like to travel and be in the vip when I go to a club so that's why I say a baller with money. The money is not for me it's for himself I want someone who can carry their own and I'm not going to get that type of person being fat. Being fat I get all the guys who think that "FAT GIRLS PAY LIKE THEY WEIGH," I get men who don't have jobs, who just got out of jail, or who have court dates where they are about to go to jail. I'm tired of that I feel deep inside that I have class and I want someone with class as well.
Dear Burnetta,
It broke my heart to read your messages. Your self-loathing is something I beleive we all feelto a certain extent...sometime we won't admit it, but there is a part of all of us that hates the cards we were dealt. That some how we "only deserve" what we have because we are fat and not worthy.
Please continue to write to this board and take the advice of those who have written before me. I know these people are genuine and caring. Actually, every one here is. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Have you gone to any informational meetings concerning the surgery? those meetings are a great way to meet people, get support AND learn if this is correct for you.
I researched the surgery for about 7 months before I started my application process at Ohio State....it is a long road to surgery, but each step is terribly important.
Please reach out to people in your area, reach out to your doctor, minister, any one who can help you.
I will be thinking about you, please continue to write...and by the way, I am the white woman who has your butt!!!...I'd gladly turn it over to you if I could 
Liz
Hillsboro
Liz
Hillsboro Well, I have research alot of info online but I have yet to go to the seminars that you have to go to. I know that you need to do that before you can even get a consultation usually but the places they held them at are so far and I don't have a car and I don't want to seem like I am making an excuse but I don't have even a friend that I can call on to take me and really I do not mean to break anyone's heart or bring anyone down because I hate being down and I am just basically trying to get these feelings out that have been bottled up for so long. I am glad to here that I'm not alone as far as support but on the other hand I hate that any of us have to go through this. This is no way to enjoy life. I will willingly take your butt! I have all this top heavy fat and my legs are small like I could fit a 18 and some 16s that stretch on the bottom and at the top I need like a 4 or 5x at the top. And I don't even have big enough breast my stomach sits out farther than my brest. I think that I wouldn't be so mad at being fat if I was porportionate with it. as long as my stomach was smaller I would take a big butt and big brests over nothing at all anyday, I also have these big old arms like I have been working out all my life and I don't even exercise. Why would a man want to date a linebacker who arms are bigger than his. I look like I could whoop his butt and I am not even a fighter really I'm not. I am a lover and that's what I'll rather be. But it's hard to be a lover when nobody loves you back.
Hi honey, you need some help right away. I know what depression is and its so terrible. Its like a cloud justs comes over your whole mind. Its hard to explain. You are loved ,by each and everyone of us. Are you on any antidepressants at all? I take effexor and it really helps me alot. Are you going to have the surgery? I am built like you too. Now after 10 months I look normal and you will too. Please keep in contact with us and let me know what your status is. Love and alot of it, Cindy
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