Need some advice

I am about a month away from my surgery and I am wondering if anyone else has had to deal with this issue. I have a very close circle of friends that I work with, go to church with and socialize with. All of a sudden a few of them are acting very cold towards me and if someone mentions the surgery, they are very openly opposed . These friends are telling me that I shouldnt have it, that I am being wreckless with my life and selfish. My Ex is even jumping on the bandwagon and telling my kids how dangerous it is and how I am just doing it so I can get another man. I feel like my friends should support me even if they dont support my choice. I am feeling a little lost and alone... Has anyone else had to deal with this. I just want people to be happy for me!!!!! Needing hugs, Laura

Laura, I'm sorry you to have go thru this. First off, I'm a pre-op, so I am going thru this too. But I have found that the best thing to do is to avoid those in my life that are causing me pain. however it would be very hard for you to avoid your husband. his remarks about you finding another man and especially telling your kids that, is simply immature. he sounds really insecure. maybe try talking to him again about this. but you can't make people be happy for you or even support you. Your 'friends' arent being very good friends right now. The way I see it, if your doctor tells you that you need a heart transplant because your going to die if you don't....you have the surgery, right? Well, if we all continue to be as big as we are and gain weight, even after endless dieting, we're eventually gonna die an early death. So its the same difference. We're having the surgery for health reasons mainly. and yeah the physical appearance isnt so bad. I'm sorry I can't offer you any more advice. But I do wish you the very best!

Bobbie, Thank you for your response.. My "EX" husband is remarried, but I still think it bugs the heck out of him that I am someday going to be much more attractive and he is going to see what he tossed aside to be with Malibu Barbie. LOL But.. Really and truly improving my health is the number one goal. Making him squirm with envy is about 9th on the list. LOL You guys are great, I dont know what I would do without this board to keep me focused and Positive.. I cant thank you enough, Laura

Hi Laura, I began researching weight loss surgery several years ago after another failed "diet". I brought up the subject with family & friends... It didn't take long to convince my hubby, a doctor's consultation relieved his fears, and he became very interested in all of the facts I had gathered) My kids were supportive from the get-go "Some" friends & family are dead set against WLS, even though they really know nothing about it!!! and some of the family & friends became BIG supporters When I got really serious about WLS and met with Dr Curry last August... "I" made the decision that this was the best thing for "ME" and no one was going to stop me! I decided to be careful about who I told... I know "those" people TOO well... they are very opinionated, ( oh MY, have I heard them screeching about stuff they didn't agree with... their way was the RIGHT way Yeah, right...) and think they can stick their nose in everyone's business... they like to "control" others... Not this time, baby!!! I decided to surround myself with only those who would support my decision. The heck with those who had bad opinions about my WLS... Those who were not supportive... they have no idea I had the surgery... that I am just loosing weight... when they ask me "how?" I just tell 'em I am eating less...and exercising (which IS the truth ) I KNOW that "they" would raise holy with me if they found out about the surgery.... but, ya know... it really is none of their business... So, ... my suggestion... surround yourself with supporters!!! and those who will balk at your decision.... either don't tell... or tell them it isn't their business!!! It is OUR decison, OUR lives!!! I have to chuckle... ( in MY case...) I really think those who are the least supportive are jealous and afraid of me actually loosing weight... that will give them one less reason to criticise me!!! Best of Luck on your journey and ... you have a TON of people to support you on this board!!! HUGS~ Deb 252.5/216.5/140 Lap RNY 2/4/05 Dr Curry

Laura, I am pre-op also. I have been in the process of trying to get approved for this surgery for almost a year. In the past nine months I have lost 130 pounds on a very strict diet that the surgeon put me on. I am starting to hear from some of my friends "If you can do this why do you have to have the surgery?" and "You are doing so good just keep doing what you are doing." I know these people really care about me and the surgery is major surgery. But I tell all of them "Yes I know that I've done well so far but I still have 200 pounds that I need to lose. I know that I can't live my life the rest of my life on the diet that I am on. I want to be successful at this but I want to be healthy too." I don't have an answer for your ex husband though. I feel that he is jealous. This is typical of exes. They use the children as pawns against the other parent. He probably doesn't want you to be happy. But remember this isn't to make you happy this is to make you healthy, being happy is just a fringe benefit. I suggest you try to talk to your kids. Or take them to a support group meeting. Let them talk to other kids of parents who have had WLS. I took my daughter to our local support group and she was able to ask other kids questions about the surgery and see that things will be better later. Good Luck Becky D.

I think I might invite my daughters to the support group meeting in Cambridge this coming Thursday.. Thats a great idea!! Big Hugs Becky Laura

Laura, How old are your girls? My daughter is 13. After going to the support group with me she has been very supportive. She helps me choose foods for my diet and alot of the times when I want something I shouldn't have she tells me "Why don't you have celery or carrots?" I think she has been listening to me too much, When she was little I used to say that when she asked for potato chips or cookies. Becky D.

goodmorning everyone! I am almost two years out and now a support system for folks who have little at home. I go into consultations with a couple of local surgeons and also attend support groups at different centers. I couldn't resist replying here. I had little to no support at home in the beginning..even had a urologist who was opposed since the year before he worked very hard to save my life! But what I found was that once the surgery was done and I proved to them that this was the right thing to do..they watched my quality of life improve so much..that I had more support than I had ever expected..my then 22 yr old daughter didn't speak to me the months before surgery, didn't visit me at the hospital and rarely spoke to me when I got home (she lived with me so you can imagine the cold shoulder) it was nearly 5 months later when I talked her into an outing at the Cincinnati Zoo festival oflights, she met alot of post ops and was amazed at how happy everyone was. Now she sends people to talk to me about this surgery! As one surgeon told me, the only way to convince the people around you including your Doctors is to set the example..be positive and be very determined to prove yourself. It is only the ones the fail for lack of trying that gives this surgery a bad name!! Remember the most important thing to keep telling yourself is -this is for you and about YOU..no one else!! I would have this surgery again tomorrow if I had that choice in front of me... is this surgery dangerous?? a Doctor that I talk to often refers to this surgery as open heart surgery of the stomach, so of course there are risk involved. But how high risk are you already? are you going to a Doc who is a well known bariatric doc and not just a general surgeon? the decisions that you make are very important to your success during and after surgery. I suggest to anyone seeking out surgeons to ask around and go to a center that has great pre and post op support. There are some surgeons who perform this surgery and give NO support at all!! Good luck and I hope you all have a wonderful experience. Brenda

Brenda - I found your response informative, helpful and encouraging. Thank you! Laura - sched 4/18/05.

Brenda, Thank you for your message, It came just when I needed it. I am sorry that you had to go through such a tough time with your daughter. My girls are 17,18, 19 and my son is 13. I have nothing but wonderful support from them. But they have expressed concerns that I might change from the mom they Love to someone just concerned only about being skinny. I have assured them that I will always have the same values and beliefs, but will just have more energy and positivity to life my life with. More of the good me to give to them!! My family has told me that they do not want to hear anything about the surgery, they dont want to know when I am in the hospital. My kids will need to be in school so they wont be able to make the hour and a half trip to see me without my ex bringing them. And he has made it clear that he will not be doing that. So I have some fears that I am going to be going through this alone and needing a friend to lean on through the rough times. I am really even wondering how I am going to get to the hospital. I was wondering if by some miracle I would be able to drive myself home?? So many thoughts swimming through my head tonight. It must be the rain..LOL Lots of Love and hugs to all of you.. My new sisters and brothers in this journey.. Laura