angry tears here-grieving my life

Hi everyone, I am having a really bad day today dealiig with the shape I am in. I am waiting for a date for surgery and it can't come too fast. I have been cryiing most of the day and so angry at mysel for getting into this shape. You know I see a lot of before pics here that I would be proud to claim as mine. I know if the comorbidities are just so so and the BMI is at a certain level the surgery is warranted but some of you really don't look morbidly obese and look very good to me. I on the other hand am so super morbidely orbese that I can hardly walk to the bathroom. I can't sit at the computer without haveing to suffer with my feet and legs swelling so bad that I can feel the skin stretching. I am in so much pain physically and mentally that I can't stand it. Maybe I should have started the process a long time ago but never felt I needed it. Now though I am so angry at myself for letting myself get to this point that I think I deserve to have my guts cut open. I deserve to suffer all that comes with it and to anguish the fear of death. I deserve the physical and mental pain I am in because I let myself go to this point. This may sound strange but I have never been able to detect when I am gaining weight until it is a huge amount and then so hard to get rid of. I don't know maybe because I have always yo yoed up and down and worn clothes that allow it but I just can't tell when I am gaining. Then I look in the mirror and laugh with disgust. How could I not tell I was ballooning up so big? Well a few months ago I did know and I knew it was beyond control. And I started researching this surgery (and I always said thiings couldn't get so bad as for me to do that). ANd today I realize that I need to face that this is all my fault! I have done this to myself! And yes I should have to have my guts cut and suffer all the pain that goes with it. I should have to suffer a horrible life style change. Like I need to do more than to own up to the responsibility but need to punish myself too. And I better never hear myself complain about anything postop because I deserve everything that comes with it and I will never suffer like this again. NOw don't get me wrong I am not saying I have not suffered along the way because I have. But to get to this point! I can't walk, drive, hate to go out and am in pain all the time. I am an intelligent well educated woman so how did I come to this? Amazing! I don't get it! Well I guess I just need to cry. Maybe get it all out preop. You are all caring compassionate people and many in the same shape. Don't let this worry any of you because I am not depressed or suicidal or anything like that. I am just sad and very angry at myself and my life. I know only good can come from having wls and I can't wait for the day to come and go. I have a wonderful surgeon who has all of my confidence and I am very happy with the service from the hospital so far. Now I just need to get there. I realize too that I am grieving for the time in my life that I have wasted being fat and miserable.

PJ Hang in there I'm 40 year old male who's BMI is in the 50's and problems with walking, working, driving cause I can't fit in my car, I'm loosing control of my bladder due to being heavy, flexiabilty is gone. I'm now set up in a recliner with a portitable desk for my PC so I can have the enjoyment of being online. My comobilites and BMI of 50 something I can't get approved and this as been going on for 10 months now. As hard as it is and being sick, getting worst and al the meds. I have to take, and also loosing my father to compleications of Morb. Obesity I still can sile:-} .... I'm a fighter and I'm not going to give up and I'm also helping others to fight for our rights of getting covered medical assistance. During the time of ur life that you believed you have wasted was there,any joy or happiness at all during this time? Our life s a book with many Chapters and I have learn to turn to the next page the next chapter,and not to dwell on the pages and chapters of the past. Yea there is good & bad in them past chapters but I have to make the next page or chapter better for my self. Goals for myself, achievements for myself, and the goal of making this as another chapter in my book of life. I use to be misable all the time and I hated it and I started to believe in being miable. I seek help for this cause I wanted to be happy, enjoy life and not to be misable all the time cause I'm fat, sick, and can't do what I want to do. I regain my power over my emotions and I hanging onto this power to be strong and make everyday real for myself. I strive each day and with all my problems I strive to make someone smile or laugh, and even better if I can laugh. This is who I am now in my book of life and yes I am human and still have anger and a fighter, for my rights. I'm fighting now for 10 months just to get approved. And I'm now helping to other friends to get approved for this surgery... Please hang in there and all I ask form you is a smile each day as a matter of support to us that are having the time of our life just to get approved to see a surgeon. I CARE! DANIEL

Hi Daniel, I have followed your post and am so sorry for all of the ins troubles. I have not heard yet if I have been approved so I don't yet have a date but i am hanging in here. Today seem like a much brighter day for me and the sun is shining so that helps I am smiling and I hope you are too. Keep up the good work. Thanks for your post and talk to you again soon. PJ

keep in touch here is my e-address [email protected]

PJ; Hankg in there sweetie and know we are here for you. You can't change what has happened so don't punish yourself. What happened happened and now you can move forward. Good luck. My BMI was 65.9 and my highest weight was actually 522 lbs. If you want this it will happen. I would urge you to look into getting some therapy for food issues for when you do get approved. This is a major life changing event. You can do it though. Now buck up and get working on your program.

Hi Jack, Well if not for you and all of the wonderful understanding people here at OH the last couple of months would have been unbearable. That is how long I have been aggressively working towards this surgery. Thank you for your support and kind words. I am much better today. Needed to shed those tears I guess.

Stop beating yourself up!! There are sooo many reasons why we become obese and many of them are our bodies chemistry. Do you blame a diabetic or someone with allergies? Please know that you are not alone and most important, you've taken steps to get help. All of us are saddened by how obesity has affected our lives and choices. That just gives us greater insight in living today and appreciation for our future. Blah, blah, I rambling and not being as clear as I would like but I can only suggest you embrace yourself and life!

Thank you so much for your post. I appreciate all of the kindness and support. PJ

Oh PJ! I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. So many of us here know exactly what you are going through, and our hearts are with you. I want you to know that you absolutely do not deserve pain, suffering, and punishment! I hope that as you get closer and closer to having your surgery you will come to understand that having your gut cut open and even the pain that is associated with that is not a punishment at all. Try to think of it as a price instead--the price of freedom. Surgery is a wonderful opportunity and a new beginning. The lifestyle change that comes with it is not horrible--it is liberating! You will be able to move and live comfortably and do things again that you've gradually had to give up over the years. When I had my first child and had to have a C-section I felt like I had failed somehow, because other women are able to have their babies naturally and normally. But a dear friend helped me realize how lucky and blessed I was because as a result of modern medical procedures I was alive and so was my baby. If it had been just ten or fifteen years earlier it's likely that one or both of us would have died from the complications I was experiencing. So it is with gastric bypass surgery. How lucky and blessed we are to be alive in this day and age, and to have this tool available and skilled surgeons who are able to give it to us and teach us to use it. Please don't look at yourself and see only the mistakes of your past choices. Look instead at the decision that you made to change your life for the better, and be grateful for the knowledge and skill of your surgeon who will lead you on this new and exciting path you will travel. Be proud of yourself and hold your head high, because you're taking positive steps to change your life for the better. I will be thinking of you and remembering you in my prayers. Nancy S. Open RNY 10/27/03 306/198/???

I was wondering how you were feeling today? Just checking in with you.