Depressed

Not knowing what to say anymore is one of my biggest problems! I want to scream at the worls this isn't fare. But I end up either taking it out on myself or my husband. Here where this one started...... Last week we had a man here to sell us health insurance b/c we own a day care and are self employed. The company is only for people that are self employed. It looked very good as he talked until he got to everyones health. My daughter is very healthy and so is my husband. When he got to me it started looking very bleek. I even tried lieing to him and in the process ending up telling all.After explaining to him that I was not sure what my doctor was saying by putting me on Glucophage he told me that if in fact the doctor thought I was at risk of diabetes or on the boarderline that no insurance co. would consider me as a good risk. In fact after calling the doctor he confirmed that he has made the dignoisis(sp) that I am at risk and am on the boarderline of having diabetes!So no insurance for me. I even gave him a very large check thinking that might make things ok. I ended up calling him and telling him to not even send in the application. So 1st bad thing no insurance to try to get the WLS surgery done. Then it was fine we will refinance the house and get the money hahahahahaha self employed people are the hardest to get financed in the first place in the second place they can't get enough cash out to pay for the WLS. Another dead end! Now my husband is concidering going back to work at his job he had b/f we opened our child care. I know he hated that job and I hated the hours he had to work but they do have good insurance well they did 5 years ago. I looked into the web page for loans for surgery and found that the intrest rate is 12.99% to 26.99% depending on your credit worthyness no kidding thats what it says. My goodness the payments alone would have us in the poor house before the loan was even signed for. So all this has me very down . But wait there's more. My husband had to take kids to school this morning that ment that I had to take a little boy with very bad handycaps to the bus. I started to panic knowing that the bus driver and her helpers would see me. I didn't realize how bad me staying in was getting. I am afraid of what other people think! I can't seem to hide my roles enough and it has gotten to the point I don't want other people to see me in public. I feel like I'm lossing controle of my life and the fat is taking over. I guess what my question is how can I get this under controle b/f it completely ruins my life and my families life. I am missing appointment on purpose as of today it's been 3 doctors visits and 1 co-op meeting. Alan did all the shopping this month and for the first time today I walked out in the yard and realized that the leaves have all changed. My husband says to snap out of it he loves me any way I am and thats all that matters. He is great for this but its not him its me and if he had to be me he might understand that all his love will never make me love me. Sorry about going on and on but I am sure that a few of you have gone thru these feelings and maybe still are. Is there life out there when WLS surgery is out of your reach?

It makes me sad to see you going through but it makes me happy to hear what a wonderfully supportive husband you have. If you really want this and he can get this job temporarily or even another job that has insurance then by all means do that. What about any type of 401K or pension that you can borrow against. Do you own a house you can take a home equity loan against. I would urge you to see a therapist to deal with the destructive force in your life. You are not helping yourself or anyone else by missing appointments. I know I have been there and the urge to hide is hard to control. You are better than this. There are loan companies that will refinance. Yes the interest rate will be a little higher. I would urge you to check into a 5/3rd bank in your area. Especially if your husband does get a 'regular' job. Remember this would only be temporary until the surgery and not a permamanet. You sound like a fantastic person who is struggling and my heart goes out to you. If you do end up self pay, you get a better deal and you can negotiate the fees. Please don't give up on yourself. You are better than this and your family needs you. I would also urge you to try Atkins while you pursue this further as it is the program that most post ops end up on. If you start it now and get used to it you will do well and feel better. Keep me informed and if I can help let me know.

Treasa, Keep your chin up, I know it's very hard to do when you feel like nothing is going your way. I urge you to trust in the fact that God has plans for all of us and if surgery is in yours than he will make it happen. It's hard to understand why he doesn't answer our prayers on our time but trust me he will answer them. I am so happy to hear you have great support at home. A supportive husband can make a big difference when yu are feeling at a loss. I know what it can be like to not go out and participate in the world. I have been noticing that lately I don't go to parties or I don't go shopping or out in my yard and I think it's because I don't like who I am on the outside. I guess we just have to tell ourselves that the only thing that matters is what we think, not what everyone else thinks. Its hard to do I know but we must do that in order to get the most out of life. If we sit at home and let life pass us by...it will. I am praying that you find a way to have the surgery and that you find peace in your everyday life. Take care.