Trying to find my way back...

I miss each and everyone of you and still read every day.. But I seem to have lost my way in a severe depression. I am still losing, still working out and still living right. But I cannot find my way out of this constant state of anxiety ( panic attacks) and depression. I knew full well that having the surgery would never take away all of my problems and make life perfect. But I have so many blessings in my life with wonderful friends and family who love and care for me. But I am feeling like such a failure in so many areas of my life. I am working 3 jobs and still cant meet the bills that keep piling up higher and higher. The more you try and help yourself the more assistance you lose. I lost my medical card for my family and I this month since I make Soooo much money at Walmart. I cant afford to buy my meds or the scripts my children are on. I get so frustrated that my ex seems to have all the money he needs to have his perfect little life. All I want is for some comfort zone of knowing that I can provide the basic necessities of life for my kids and I and be able to pay my bills. I live very simply and do the best with what we have, but I have so much anziety over the bills that I lay awake most of the night worrying about what tomorrow will bring. I know in my heart that the worrying and fretting wont help anything, but it has become a continuous nightly problem for me. I finally get to sleep a little after 4:00 am and then back up at 6:30 to start babysitting for my grandson. As soon as he leaves at 4:00 pm I pack up and head to Walmart until Midnight. Several days a week I clean and do laundry for my friend Patty and take care of a lady with Alzheimers. I think part of the depression comes from never having a second just for me. And Dating.. HUH.... I havent had one offer since losing all this weight. I miss male companionship and I am not talking about sex. I am talking about just having a wonderful male friend to go to a movie or dinner with. Nothing serious. Just a good male friend to spend time with would be wonderful; I am sorry to be going on and on. But I did want to pop in and let you know I am still alive. But struglling every minute of the day to keep smiling and keep going. What other choice do we have. We have to keep going.!!! I am so happy and feel so blessed that I was able to have this miraculous surgery and be down in the 140's. I couldnt of imagined that a year ago. I hope God doesnt think I am ungreatful for what I do have in my life... I have so many loving friends and a full life, but I feel like I have lost who I am and so depressed all I want to do is hide in my house and avoid life when I dont have to be somewhere else. I want to get back into fishing, hiking and painting. All the things I once loved to do but now have no time, money or gasoline to do any of these things. I Thank God for all my blessings. My Children, My beautiful mother, My family, My OH Family.. My much improved health, my weight loss .. I thank God for my grandson Christian who is hearing impaired and a special needs child. I thank God every day that he gives me the renewed energy to be there for him.. I am amazed I can do it on just a couple hours a day. I hope I didnt depress anyone. I just wanted to let you know I havent dropped off the face of the earth. If anyone wants to see some updated skinier pics of me send me an e mail and I will send them to you Keep my family and me in your prayers. Much Love to all of you. Laura

I have been thinking of you and wondering how you were. Depression is such an awful thing..Have you been to a Dr to see about meds for this? I know you are having financal problems but sometiems doctors can get you free samples. There muxt be some kind of assistance that you qualify for. It makes me so mad.. It is people like you, working and struggling to get by that need the help, but cannot get it... but if you did nothing......... Does not make sence to me....give all your problems to God.. he can handle them when we cannot....I will be praying for you too.........diane

Laura, So sorry your going thru a hard timer.. I would love to see your updated pics. Thank you Hugs Barb

Barb.. Thank you for your thoughts. It has been tough and it seems I keep waiting for the other bigger badder shoe to drop and bring more bad things my way. But thats the demon of depression and you know how that is. I am hoping for a better day soon. Love ya a bunch Laura

I sure do. My life has changed so much. I dont know who I was when I was big. I am not that same person at all. I am the person I use to be. Some days Im walking with sunshine other days a hail storm. My marraige is almost over. I know longer love the man and I feel it is best to let him go. Before I hurt him anymore than I have already. He has been trying hard to change for the better but its to late. I just wish I had a crstal ball to find out if I am making a mistake Hugs to you Barb

I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I definitely know how you feel about the bills and all. No matter how much money you have, it's never enough. You sound like you are so, so busy! You do need some time for YOU. You deserve it, and I bet your friends and family would agree. Does your county have a Mental Health and Recovery Center? Maybe you can try to get in to see a counselor. Their treatment is income-based, so perhaps you can get in free or very cheaply. Take care!

Sarah, Thank you for the encouragment.. I have been on a waiting list to get into counseling for 4 months. I finally get to see the Dr at the end of the month. I have been trying so hard to keep up with my busy life but have been having chronic Urinary Tract infections and pancreatitis. My Doc wanted me in the hospital for a round of IV antibiotics, but I cant afford the time off from work or the hospital treatment. So he did give me some samples of the antibiotic, but he isnt happy with me. He feels that the Problems with the enlarged liver and pancreas are due to the needle stick that I got about 4 months ago. Its just been so many things going on that I really have lost sight of myself. I hope to bump into her again soon.. Thank you so much for caring. Sarah and Ann... Love and Hugs Laura

Oh Laura i had been wondering about you too, i had been going through a major depression to i was at my wits end wondering what i was going to do with all the bills pilling up and knowing that i had my ssi hearing last october and i hadnt heard anything, it was makeing me grow even more insane... well on june 28th i finaly heard and the judge ruled "fully favorable" i couldn't belive it, im doing a bit better knowing that we will have money to pay for bills now but the anxiety is still here. Im so sorry you are going through all of that, please know that you are in my prayers and yes i would love to see your photos, do you still have my email?? God bless you and lots of Hugs coming your way Paula

http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html this helps me in so many ways...... you do need "me" time-and i know taht sounds easy for me to say.... deep breaths...here's a hug!

Loraine, I completly understand the money stress... I was there full force several years ago... many sleepless night and failing health crying out to GOd for relief... I am afriad we may be heading back to those times.. My husband owns a jewelry store that has been in our small town for like 100 years.. but business is not too great.. times are tough.... I will keep you and your family in prayer... get the help you need, you have so much to offer.. hang in there. Blessings, pam