JUST AN ALL OUT BAD DAY :(

Well today is just one of those days you know how eveything catches up to you and all the baskets you thought you but all your "eggs" in have literaly disapeared.. Depression is so high i don't even know why im typeing, i feel bad cause i couldn't even think of a good way to encourage people this week.. im so sorry i haven't heard anything from ssi yet and i don't know what to do.. i know the people there are working as hard as they can and i can simpathise with them but this is leteraly my life we are talking about at this point.. i feel so usesless that i cant eve bring in an income to help my family, im so thankful for my sister to have let us live in her trailor but it so hot and has so much wrong with it i don't know what to do.. i cant even cook a meal without a "bug" flying into it because i cant afford to fix the screens on the windows that my moms animals ripped out before we moved in.. you should see what we have to do with the door during winter. it has a window out and a whole at the bottom of the door if a squir or a small cat wanted to it could get in.. this is realy no way to live but i don't have the means to even afford another place i just deal with what ive got.. some people that i have run into accualy say how great it must be to live so "simple" no its not.. realy.. i don't have a choice i cant just get in my car and go to the store when i want, i have to make a list of things and make sure we need them before i can even waist the 1/4 tank of gas that i do have, if we run out of TP in the midle of the week and i don't have to go to the store i can't just get in the car i can't afford to even waist the gas for that.. we find napkins to use.. and my kids keep complaining about how rough it is.. but its all i can do i cant do no more i cant take a chance of running out of gas and having to walk home, we live at least 5 miles from the store and i cant even walk two blocks.. the church has alowed me to work for 2 hours a week just to get some money to buy the extras i need but im even reconcidering that because of the gas it takes for me to get ther and back and by the time i do get back home after those little bit of hours my back is killing me and then the cycle starts all over again, cant stand long enough to cook cant stand long enough to do dishes and then the depression sets even more, my kids and husband try and help out as best as they can but its just so dang hard... I wanted to grow up and work for my 40+ years and give to the world, heck i went to school for my last two years and had two jobs and did my home work cause i just loved to do things, i never had a job i didn't like cause all jobs were good jobs.. but i just cant anymore.. at this time i just cant... and that breaks my spirit so bad.. thanks for listening God bless all Paula

Hi Paula, I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. I can just imagine what you are going thru. It all can truly be overwhelming when you have health issues, plus some financial strain, in addition to your weight loss journey. I just want you to know that I will be praying for you. Hang in there. God bless you Wanda

thank you, prayers are most welcome.. its just one of those days, and i haven't even been able to start my weightloss jorney/surgery yet of course ive done all diets under the sun but my wls is what im praying gets done soon, thats the other thing too, im still so big and cant do anything. God bless you Puala

Paula, Once you get your SSI approved things will look up. How long has it been. Shouldnt you be hearing something soon. Is your husband working. I know it has to be hard. Paula are you on depression pills. Maybe your meds need adjusted. Paula. It`s almost over. You will be hearing something soon and get your surgery. Then you can have energy to get yourself a nice place to live. God is looking down on you. God never gives us something he doesnt think we cant handle. Things can only get better for you. I sent a prayer your way. I will check on you tomorrow. Here is a big hug your way Love Barb

thank you so much Barb, i had my hearing in October of last year, but it was in cleveland and they are so backed up. my dessision went to dictations on the 8th of may but they don't have the dessision on record yet so they cant tell me or, my attorney and ive been calling him once a week and he has no news forme and i keep saying "no news is good news" i filed for ssi 1998 but i didn't know what steps to take so when i got denied i started everything all over a couple of times so this time 2001 i got an attorney he accualy was able to point that out to the judge and she said she is going to take that into "serious consideration" and then my attorney said "if i didn't get aproved that he was making a motion (what ever that means) to do more testing" and the judge said "i don't think we need anymore evidence, but that she heard the motion" so i don't know what that means either.. my sister said that my attorney was letting the judge know we weren't stoping and that the judge understood that and my sister called it a "cat and mouse" thing which i didn't understand either.. im not on any depression meds because of the pain meds im on, and now that i wouldn't go back and get the rest of the back injections (the pain from them were so unbearable, and i haven't stoped my period sence april10th, yes i call my GYN and she said its because of the steriod but to keep a record of it for 3 months she may have to do something if it doesn't stop) and now the pain doctor wont see me anymore i got a leter stating that. so i don't know what to do about that either.. Prayers are so appreciated.. thank you so much God bless you Paula

Paula, I think everything is going to work out for you. I hope your feeling better today.... I hope you hear something real soon. It sounds like they are going to approve you. Lets hope so. Then you will get all your back pay and can move to a nice place to live. and not have to worry anymore. and get your health back together again. My sister went thru those back injections. She said it was the worst pain she has ever had in her life. She said she screamed so loud it took 3 people to keep her still. She did finish hers and seems to be doing alittle better. I know they are painful. Your peroids are possibly from your nerves also. Waiting for an approval can be very depressing. I waited on mine over a year after I started the second time. First try was 1999 . I never tryed after I was denied. I gave up. ( Never Give Up ) Take Care God Bless Barb

thank you i sure am praying that it will yes today is a bit better of a day, i got to see my grandma and she always lifts my spirits shes 87 years old and she realy wishes she could do something to help us she knows the conditions we live in and she thinks my sister should do something but my sister has her own family to take care of.. oh i forgot to say in my last reply that my husband is on disability he got his last november and had only signed up for it in march of last year and didn't have to apeal or anything and i am so thankful for that but everything that he gets goes to the big bills, sometimes we have 20 left and we splurge on a movie or something.. i do see so much positive in my life i don't want anyone to think im just "one of those whiners" it just that i have my days, and whats weird about it is if a friend of mine is going through a day like me i can completely understand but i don't know how to help my self.. thank you again for checking on me it is very appreciated.. God bless you Paula

I have those days to. You will see me on here with some crazy problems. This surgery really changes you. I know it has me. I look at life so different now. All im looking for now is happieness. Havent had it in a long time. Thats one reason I am going thru with my divorce. I found out my husband is alot of my problems. He has brought me down so low. I have a hard time pulling out. His depression and mental illness has wore off on me. He has nothing to do with me. He doesnt talk to me or anything. and he thinks everything is happy here. He wont listen to what Im trying to tell him. He changes the subject. Im in a big mess. here. I wish I could wake up and be single. But I(m not wishing nothing bad on him either. I just wish our divorce could be over. Because Im not sure how he will take it. Talk Later Barb

Barb, I deffinately know what you mean about hubby bringing you down...... my 2nd husband was "killing me without kindness" as i put it before, and i was going to "hang" in there for the rest of my life, i was so happy when he left me for a lady he had been cheating with from work (i had no idea, i had a feeling thats what was up but i never had solid proof) for more than a month, and then i found out about all the other people includeing some men in there that he had been with.. (i have been so happy about my GYN work ups and blood work ups you cant imagine.. after i found out about all of that) anyhow he was a very depressed person and still is, he got to the point of not taking a showers or baths for weeks at a time, and he wouldnt listen to me about anything, i was so miserable i didn't know that life realy didn't revolve around him and his problems. i thought i was in that marraige because i was a bad person and that was my punishment i know thats not true now, but when your in it there is no life outside of it. My hubby now is great, even though he has bi-polar and social anxiety disorder we have found a happy medium i guess you could say, he puts up with going to church events (not sunday church yet, but thats a work in progress lol ) but he went to a marriage seminar through family life with me (which was the hardest thing for him to do becasue of his social anxiety disorder, there are times he stays in the house for three weeks at a time so i felt very loved that he went and put himself through all of that, there were 500 couples there), he admited he loved God (the happiest day of my life i would have to say) and it had tought us how to comunicate i had to learn that when my husband is in his manic stage that it isn't "personal" towards me and that was and is so hard for me cause i take everything personal it seems, i have to inhale and let it go. sometimes i feel like im on a rollercoaster but im getting the stages down now and its a lot easier because he does great with his meds. .. I thank God everyday that he is nothing like my other husband I sure hope all goes well with you and that you will have your "HAPPY YOU" that you so deserve.. God bless you and i'll be praying for you Paula

Paula, Thank you for the support. He sleeps all the time. He cusses all the time. He drinks alot smokes alot. It is pretty bad here. He is so depressed he has mental Illness very bad. . He use to call me fat names. Like fat hog and alot nastier names. Those are names I cant forget either. Im getting out. I hate change but know I have to do this. I have to wait for the right time. I hope before summer is out. I wish he would meet someone. It would make it so much easier for me. We just live a open Marraige. He does what he wants I do what I want. He usally is sleeping all the time. Then he trys to kiss me like we are having no problems. He cant see it. he cant get it. He is blind to it. I have told him over and over it is over. He doesnt beleive it. When reality strikes its going to get bad. It is hard. Thanks for the prayers Barb