DEPRESSED? OPINIONS PLEASE!!!!! need a pick-me-up

Although I am very convinced that surgery is my next step in this battle of obesity, my mother, who I consider my best friend, has expressed her opinion and it hurts. She feels that I have gived up on myself and I should go back to weigh****chers. I don't know what she's thinking. I spent my entire life, being part of a "thin" family and being fat. I hid my entire life under big clothes, feeling very ashamed of my body. Now, a mother of 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy, I do not want to struggle with this and battle myself anymore. I can understand her concern, but support is all I want from her. My husband and inlaws are behind me 100%. I almost feel as if she does not want to see me happy. She as my mother should know the hurt I've lived with my entire life. I barely can walk, the joint pain is so severe along with heel spurs. I don't sleep well, I feel like I'm being crushed by my own body. The best was this mornings conversation, she said to me "she can't believe how selfish I am being. I have 3 kids and I'm not thinking of them. What if this backfires and my kids wind up without a mother?" I've thought of the "what ifs" and they do not out-weigh the benefits of WLS.. My kids and husband deserve a wife and mother that can participate in all the family functions, playing on floor board games, swimming in our pool, sitting on the beach on a hot summer day WITH A BATHING SUIT ON. I am doing this for my kids, my can't convince her the truth in this. I REALLY NEED A PICK ME UP! Lisa

Lisa I know what you mean. my hubby freaked out when i told him. So i talked to him and talked to him. i was really hurt and finally took him to the DR with me and let him ask the Dr all the questions he wanted and thats when the DR said well she can NOT have the surgery and have a greater risk of death then what the % of death is from WLS. (more women die from heart problems than any other health issue. and being over weight is a HUGE stress on your heart)By having a heart attack and then your kids will be mother less and you wife less. Also I spoke up and said I am doing this for ME!! I want to LIVE HEALTHY i don't want to be unhealthy and in pain and unable to play with my kids and watch them grow. So follow what is in your heart and what is good for you medicaly. Your mom will change once she see how much healthier you are. Nikki

First i want to start by saying that our moms sometimes say things that they think are helping us and they dont realize how much it hurts. It is her fear talking. Remember someone who has not researched this surgery is going by what they hear on tv and it is mostly negative things. Your mom is probably scared to death and with good reason. This is a major surgery. With any major surgery there are risks. I went through all the what ifs, i am the mother of 4 and i had to hear it from family as well. Then all i could think about was if i dont do something now, i am risking not being here for them in the future. This has to be your decision. She can agree or disagree you cant make someone agree with you. What you can do is inform her. Give her as much information as you can. Tell her you love her and you respect her opinion but you are going to do what is right for you . The most important thing you need to do is research your surgeon. You cannot be a good mother, a good wife or a good daughter if you hate the way you feel, if you are not happy with yourself, if you are hurting and aching all the time. Do your homework, share it with your mom and then decide what is right for you. I hope this helps in some way. Best of luck to you and if you ever feel the need to talk email me any time. LisaMarie

Hi Lisa, I totaly can identify. I have an aunt that says the bypass is too dangerous and I could die. My answer to that is I could and will die from being so big. I know the joint pain all to well and all I keep telling myself is that it will get better after i loose some weight. and I have sisters that are afraid that if i do the bypass I will change as a person and move away and on to different things. I too agree none of those reasons they gave me are good enough to give up on the bypass. As far as a ick me up I'll suggest two things. Go through a catalog and tear out all those outfits you are gonna wear and make a scrap book of what your future will be like when your healthy and happier. The second thing is Pray girl pray. God will encourage you if you let him. Becca

Lisa, Hello hun ~hugs~ I know this can be very hard when loved ones just do not know ALL the facts about WLS, I researched it to death myself and when I knew it was time I made the choice for ME by ME....of course I wanted to know what my husband thought and he was so good and supportive so to me that is all that counted. Next I talked to my Mom, well at first she did not understand! I tried to talk to her about it and she would not want to chat about it well finally I said MOM please listen to me. This is something I am going to do with or without you so please work with me to get through this. I made her watch some shows on it to see the good and the bad. Asked her to help me since I was going to do it no matter what and please be happy with me and you know what, she came around and had been one of my best supporters. Your mother will come around hun, let her know that you ARE going to be doing this and you would really love to have her support. Let her know you are doing this for yourself first then for your family. It is time to put yourself first so you can be there to help your family.....YES this is for YOU first but it will benefit your whole family when you are feeling better and not hurting. It is time to put YOU first and if that is selfish then so be it. It is YOUR time!!! Maybe try writting her a note, letting her know how you feel. Give it to her and ask her to read it when you leave. It might help say what you want to without putting her on the spot. I am sure she is acting as my Mom did, scared for us!!! I want to say congrats on this hun and that you will be changing your life for the better for you and your family but know that this had to be your choice first and formost... Hun if you need to chat more please feel free to email me anytime. ~hugs~ Debra P

Well family can be hard to deal with. I know my dad felt this choice was much to drastic. I have three young kids. I felt the risks of surgery out risked the danger of me walking around at my highest wait. I was a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen that way. I was confident in my surgeon. I know his success rate is AWSOME and after all my pre op visits to his office i new i was trusting my life to the right doctor. YOU have to do this for you and make the the decision for you. MY dad unfortunately didnt live to see my success, and how happy this surgery made me. I know any other diet would work but i would end up gaining it all back as i have done all my life time and time again. So for me i felt my birth defect of never getting full was finally repaired and i can eat like a normal person again. LISA 310/184/???

Lisa, I know where you're coming from. My Mom was in a nursing home when I made the decision to have the surgery. Since I was recently divorced, I tried to talk to my parents each step of the way. Neither said too much at first and I knew they did not agree with my decision. Luckily, my Mom was in the nursing home affiliated with the hospital where I was having my surgery - also where the support group meetings were being held twice a month. One Tuesday night, Dad and I wheeled Mom in her wheelchair to a support group meeting. They sat there and even asked a few questions of the group. After that, they opened up to me and expressed their concern but stood behind me all the way. (after a year in the nursing home, my Mom is now back home with Dad) It was the best decision I ever made for myself in my entire life. I feel like a new person - no more knee or back aches - so much more energy - and now love shopping - and I still have quite a way to go. You are not being selfish - you want a better life for yourself AND your family. I'm sure your Mom will come around. Give her as much information as you can - maybe she could go to a support group meeting with you and see and hear the success stories. Please keep your chin up and know that you are making the right decision for yourself. Love, Cindee 310/220/???