Just Need to Vent

Hi all -- as most of you know I'm a little over one week out from surgery and doing pretty good, but still need help with my two little "Devils". My husband was home today and he took me food shopping to get a few things in (and I figured I get in a walk too) -- I must preface this to say that he has been so good and so supportive that had it not been for that I probably never would have been able to have surgery. I've had my Mom and sister and babysitter helping for the most part with laundry, cleaning, and cooking for the rest of my family -- they've helped with bathing the kids and doing homework, etc. I was exhausted from my supermarket trip and came home and ate then wanted to lay down -- which I did and the phone rang a few times -- I finally fell off to sleep and then my son wakes me up (5 minutes after I fall asleep) -- then my daughter comes home and my husband just sits there in front of the tv with that friggin remote like nothing has to be done. My daughter has to do homework, dinner has to be madek kids get ready for bed, etc. Then while eating dinner, he starts to good off with my son and my son does it back and his whole dinner plate goes upside down and all the food all over the table -- I almost had a stroke. I walked away and went in my room. I'm so tired of all the chaos, I can't stand it. We can never just sit and have a nice meal together -- there's always got to be some kind of commotion -- the kids are up and down and goofing off -- I didn't have these problems when my sister of Mom were here. Then after dinner he goes inside then comes back to sit in front of the tv and I've completely cleaned the kitchen and it's almost 7 p.m. and he acts like there is nothing else to do -- the kids need to get ready for bed, etc. I finally say something and he eventually gets up to help. I told him just because my body is here doesn't mean I don't need help. And people want to know why I wanted to stay in the hospital. Then my son just whines and whines and whines until I'm ready to have a stroke so I go in to discipline him and tell him if he refuses to start getting ready for bed -- he goes to bed without books -- of course he didn't listen and that's what happened and the screaming -- I could have killed someone. Then my daughter wants to play goldfish instead of a book so we agree and that's fine. Then we start another game and she flips out and starts screaming because she didn't go first -- and then I'm arguing with a 6 year old that when you are the dealer the person to your left goes 1st -- "Well I can play whatever way I want" -- I said no you can't -- we are trying to teach you how the rest of the world plays cards -- and if you think that you go first when you deal you will be the only one playing like that.........I finally walked away and came down here to vent -- I sorry for all of that, but just needed to get it off my chest. And did I mention, besides not being able to stuff down these feelings with food, I got my period today. Oh yeah. Anyway I hope tomorrow is a better and I thank everyone for listening. Love Debbie

Debbie, wow, I got stressed out and felt exhausted from just reading your post. There are days when I feel like the whole world is coming down on me too, and all I wanna do is break down and kill someone. There is a little prayer I repeat to myself over and over, until I begin to feel like I got a sense of control back in my life. It's very simple and very common. I'm sure you already know it. If you say it and mean it, I guarantee it to work. Here it is if you're interested: GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things that I can And the Wisdom to know the difference. I hope things start to get better for you, and that tomorrow is definately a better day for you. Best of luck and I wish you alot of success with your surgery. (((((Hugs for You))))) Blanquie

Dear Blanquie, Thanks for your reply -- and yes I do know the Serenity Prayer very well -- it would be good if I used it. I thank you for reminding me of it -- and so far today is a better day -- we got my daughter off to school without a problem this a.m. -- amazing, but what a difference it makes. Love and prayers to you and thanks again for your reply -- it means alot to get the support. Love Debbie

Hi Deb, I can totally relate, I deal with that on a daily basis, including the day I came home from the hospital. Here's a big {{{{HUG}}}} for you gail

Dear Gail -- this is my life on a daily basis too! Oh so very frustrating -- it's certainly not like I imagined, but I guess we are strong women and we persevere some how, but now we don't have the food to comfort and must find other healthy "addictions". Anyway, thanks for the hug -- here's one back and may we all have a wonderful day. Love Debbie

I can relate to your post. I know when i got out of the hospitol i did far more then i was supposed to. I have 3 kids and did to much. I think my surgeon would have been angry at me if he knew all i was doing when i got home. REMEMBER every day gets better. AND im sure alot of people on the board can relate to your VENT! ALL the best DEBBIE lisa

Dear Lisa, Thanks for your reply -- it means alot to get the support and to know that you are not the only one who has to deal with this insanity on a daily basis. I'm probably doing too much too -- but really don't want to, I want this to be a new beginning for me where I take better care of myself (but I guess yelling won't do LOL). Anyway I thank you for your reply and it's good to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this. I'm sure each day will get better. Thanks again. Love Debbie

Hi Debbie, I think all of us with children have been in your position one time or another. I have 3 kids (all girls). I had twins & then my 3rd 10 1/2 months after my twins were born. I know...call me crazy.... Anyway, 3 babies under 1 year old is a handful for 2 adults, however, we lived in Wisconsin at the time. I had no family there, & his family wasn't alot of help. I worked full time days & he worked ft nights. The girls were in daycare during the day & he was sleeping when we got home & then off to work he went. Even when he was home it would get to the point where I would have to say something for him to help out. I used to think to myself...jeez why is it if I'm not home, he's "Super Dad" & when I am, he's "TV Dad"... Finally, I talked to him about it and we allocated things for him to do. Like when he was home, he would give them their bath & we would both put them to bed. I really believe that most men need to know specifics on what we want them to do when it comes to kids. It sounds like he is very supportive of you. Try to sit down & explain to him how you're feeling & remind him that even though outside you look fine, but you just had MAJOR surgery and inside you are still healing. I know I had to keep reminding myself of that. Maybe if you talk about this & possibly write up a list of what each of you will do, that will help to take the pressure off of you. You can also include the kids and make it like a reward plan. Each time they listen or get through dinner without having to be talked to, they get a star or marble or something and then come up with a reward to work towards. Just a suggestion. At any rate, just know that we're all here for you and totally understand what you're going through. It sounds like you are the main caregiver. Try to take some time to receive care every now and again. Good luck Tammy

Dear Tammy -- thanks so much for your reply -- it always feels good to know we're not alone and that we have the support out there for us -- I so much appreciate it. I must say I am trying to receive the care that I want/need/deserve. I even discussed it with my therapist this afternoon, saying the reason I started this journey was so I could take better care of myself and I really don't want to overdo things, like I would before -- I can do little things like the dishes, etc. I mean I'm not an invalid -- but I don't want to have to do everything like before not right after surgery and probably not even when I'm feeling much better -- so I definietly need to have a discussion with the husband and get on the same page. But I thank you so much for replying and for your suggestions -- hope all is well with you and I have to give you credit -- I think I'd be in a mental institution if I had twins then another only a short time later -- but God only gives us what we can handle, right? So I hope you can get some quality YOU time for yourself too -- anyway, thanks again and e-mail anytime. Love Debbie

Wow. Your life sounds exactly my life after my surgery back in September. Prior to surgery my husband promised that he was going to be supportive and helpful after I came home (my 3 children also made that promise too). He broke that promise right from the beginning (so did the kids). In all honesty I was so angry at him that I didn't speak to him for about 5-6 weeks. He just had surgery on Tuesday and after surgery is when I started to feel better about speaking to him. I think that the spouse needs to experience what the post op person is going through in order to understand. I've had my period 2 times since my surgery. My moods are worse during the period, but in all honesty I have NO tolerence or patience for people anymore. There are too many things in life now that bother me. I'm trying to find new ways to deal with life, but it's not easy. I am trying to be positive, but being a "W"itch is just coming more naturally to me these days. It will get better with time. If it doesn't get better with time then I'm going to end up divorced (smile).