HELP - I'm Home AND DEPRESSED!!!

Hi Everyone, I had surgery on Aug. 9th, came home Aug. 14, went back to the hospital Aug. 14, and was discharged again today Aug. 27, 2005. There was either a swelling or an obstruction in my intestines, which caused bile from my old stomach to back up (making me throw up --violently). A drainage tube was thought not to be needed during surgery and never inserted at the time. It was inserted 5 days after I was re-admitted. Whatever the problem was it seems to have auto-corrected it self. As complications go, as painful as it was I got lucky. The mental problem -- is just that I feel, so bad all the time. I am upset that I don't feel normal, that I put myself in this situation, where as I used to look at other people and say they have no clue what it means to exist in the world fat, now I think how lucky are they to have a normal stomach, to be able to eat normally. I feel like I have traded one insecurity for another. Only this one comes with physical feelings that can't be changed and can lead to death. I know one could argue that so could obesity, but at least that was natural. I just feel like no matter how hard I try I'll always feel this way. Being home hasn't changed that, it makes it even more clear how different I feel. Which makes me want be back in the hospital. If you can believe that!!! I'm scared and feel so alone!!! Any advice would be much appreciated. --Tameka E.

Tameka, many many many people go through the "OMG what did I do this for?" thing. In another six months, you will be so glad you did this, I promise you. It saved my life. I don't give a fig if i can pig out like everyone else can - I have gotten back my health. No more bp pills, no more cholesterol pills, no more swollen ankles, no more huffing and puffing my way up and down stairs - and girl, I tell you, life is GOOOOOOOOOOOD! Depression is also a normal part of the procedure, which you may not be aware of. do discuss this with your doctor and don't be shy about having a little help with it til it passes. good luck and God bless

SORRY to hear of your complications and depression. I would like to add the first weekend i was home i was crying and upset for my choice of my surgery. I know it was lack of sleeping those beignning days makeing me so emotional. BUT at that time i was nausaus a bit and not up to par. I will say now that im 3 months post op, down 82 lbs, I am so happy, i have so much energy i dont regret doing this at all. I never cry anymore about what i had done. I am happy ...give it time and you will see TAMEKA things get much better. WHEN men start checking you out and flirting with you again and you can wear nicer clothes in the hot weather....so much will change give it time and hang in there (((HUG)))) i know its not easy early on. LOVE LISA

Tameka, What you are feeling is absolutely normal. I know that sounds cleche' but it's true. You have been through a tremendous trauma. I have had many surgeries before my WLS and always experienced some depressive feelings following my surgeries. As for the WLS, I too had some complications (which fortunately did not lead to hospitalization). I remember about two weeks out laying in my bed and just crying. I also asked myself how I let myself get the way I did to have to require surgery to correct it. I think if you ask almost anyone who has been through this, complications or not, they will tell you that at some point there was a questioning period. And you my dear have been through a very serious complication. Give yourself some time to heal. Rest, and you will feel better. I would suggest that if you continue to feel depressed after a couple weeks of recouperation, please talk to your doctor. I will keep you in my prayers. Love, Debra 239/196/125

Tameka, Hun you sound just like I did right after my surgery. Now I did not have th added complication but the mental thing WOW, I was crying ALL the time the first 2/3 weeks. I was feeling crappy and mourning the food that I loved for so long, it was comfort to me and now I do not have it anymore! I was second guessing what I did but hang in there as so many others have gone through the same thing and I had faith that it would pass even though you could not tell me that at the time. Once I started losing weight and eating some what normal things again it all changed. I started to see that WOW I am going to be normal again and sitting down to a huge meal is not what I had to do anymore, so many other things to start thinking about. Now I can not say I do not miss a good pig out, because I still do but it only lasts for a little bit and I am back on my way. Hun hang in there and it will pass, just trust in yourself and get through this really upsetting time. Post often and get out your feelings, it really did help me. Everyone here really give awesome support, also talking on the phone to others really helps. If you want to chat just email me and we can exchange numbers. ~hugs~ Take care hun Debra P

Tameka, To start, you should be going to a support group, or see a therapist to discuss your feelings. This is a big transition in your life and your feelings are "normal", but they are not healthy. I too said many times to my boyfriend, what the hell did I do? I was tired all of the time, I went back to work 10 days post op and when I got home from work all I did was sleep, and that made my depression worse. The good thing is that it got better, each and every day. Obesity is a disease, and majority of obese people turn to food to comfort our feelings, happy or sad. The way I have dealt with it is that I have replaced food with riding my bike. Do I sometimes want to eat the wrong thing? Of course, and once in a while I let myself. But most of the time I get on my bike turn on my Ipod and I come back feeling, New and Revived. Find something that you truley enjoy doing and when you want to turn to food, walk away from the kitchen and use your replacement. I live in Brooklyn as well, and if you want to go walking, just let me know! Hang in there, It will get better and You are not alone! Kimberly

Tameka, Oh I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.....I feel your pain and it makes me sad. I really questioned "what did I do" also....plus you had added complications so I'm sure that amplifies the feelings. You have to move forward now. You chose to have this surgery, remind yourself why, and move forward. Once you add some regular food, and you start to notice the difference in your body, and you start doing things that you havent been able to do that "what did I do' weight on your shoulders will beging to lift....maybe slowly, but surely.....It took me about 2-3 months. I'm only starting to feel a bit better now, and that is with the help of an anti-depressent....but it is getting better. Hang in there...and move forward. Janean

Dear Tameka, I really can understand what you are going through. I had many complications and was in and out of the hospital a few times. I developed depression and post-tramatic stress after everything was said and done. I became so sick I totally forgot what I did all of that for-to lose weight. I hated eating because I could hardly eat and I always thought why in gods name did I did this to myself. I can tell you how bad I got. The third and final time I was admitted back into the hosptial I was at my surgeons office. I started crying so hard I was gagging. I collapsed on the floor and was begging dr. gellman to make my stomach "normal" again because I didnt want WLS anymore and was yelling that he didnt even know what he was doing. I think I called him some names as well. He literally had to pick me up, hold me by my shoulders and was saying this all will be a distant memory soon enough and I made the right decision. He was getting upset b/c I was so upset. It was a sight to be seen. But you know what, he was right. Everything that happened to me does seem like a distant memory. It is very hard to deal with the new you once everything is said and done. Obese people have relied so much on food for comfort it is a very large shock when you physically cant do that anymore especially after such a dramatic experience. Dr. Gellman gave me some mediciations right after my last discharge to help me. He gave me Lexapro(for depression) and Xanax(for anxiety), both in liquid form. I took them just for about four months until everything kind of started to disappear in my mind and I started to move on. Everything will get better, Tameka, I promise. Just take it one day at a time and everything will start to fall in place. I know how it feels to feel so alone but you are not. We are all here for you. Please email me anytime at [email protected]. I will be thinking of you. Tavia

AWWWWW so sorry that you are feeling that way tameka........truth of the matter we all felt that way right out of the hospital....wondering what the heck did I do to myself ......but that feeling will pass and you will feel so proud of your choice to have had wls

Hi Tameka Just wanted to let you know that I also thought the same thing after I had my surgery - What have I done to myself? - This is what I thought in the beginning. Now at almost 3 months out, I am so happy about my decision to have this surgery. Don't get me wrong, some days are good some days are bad but for the most part everything is good. Just remember - this too will pass. Hey, I'm also in Brooklyn (Flatbush) so just send me a line if you need some support Keep your head up Tasha