Dilemmas, confusion

Hello Folks I am having a good deal of confusion and I'm not sure what to do. After reading a thousand of your profiles I truly feel that nothing I am going through is new, and that so many of you have had all these feelings before. I went to my PCP to get a referral to a surgeon. While I didn't quite get what I wanted, he did say he would send a letter to the insurance company and get the information on what needed to be done, and apply for an approval. I have MVP, an HMO, that requires EVERYTHING to the smallest detail be coordinated by my PCP. I was happy with that promise but unhappy with the fact that he didn't think we were out of options. He gave me a prescription for pills, Dexedrine, which I did not fill. He also told me to go on the South Beach Diet, which I had had mediocre success with a year previously but had lots of energy. I have been on the diet since Thursday and I have been doing well. Here comes my dilemma. Of course I am doing well. I have done well on plenty of diets before. I have lost anywhere from 10 to 120 lbs. on the dozens of programs I have been on. But I am now sitting at 342 at 5'8". What does that tell me? Well it tells me that I can't keep the weight off, for whatever ungodly reason. I find a kind of macabre humor in the fact that I was able to keep off 10 of the 27 lbs I lost on weigh****chers, a program that I was on from January 26 through April 15. But I don't see that as a success. I see it as yet another failed attempt at keeping this weight off. I am having emotional issues trying to figure out why I can't do this. I know that if I were to get WLS I would have to be on a "diet" for the rest of my life. If I feel I can do it then, then why can't I do it now? I am doing this program now and I have to lose 5% of my body weight before I can get approval. I figured I'd do it for the doctor AND for my prerequisite weight loss. I go back to him in 3-4 weeks. What if the doctor sees that I've lost the weight, cheers me on to do more, and keeps me on the diet and doesn't approve the surgery? I just see myself another year from now and adding yet another year of being obese to my life, not to mention another 20 lbs. Then I'd have to start this whole process over again! I have been at this point on diets where I just feel like it's working and I won't ever go off, I'll lose all my weight and exercise and be oh so wonderfully thin!!!!! But one bad day and I am crushed beneath the wheels of the food wagon, never to return to that level of accomplishment until the next foray into dieting. I want WLS. I am scared, yes. I have read the memorial and the regrets pages and I have been reading this site obsessively since I started researching it hard. I had looked into WLS about two years ago and was scared away. But I feel like I am ready now. I don't have any co-morbidities but my BMI is 51.7. I am SUPER OBESE. Just saying those words makes me cringe. But they are a fact of my life. I had bi-lateral knee surgery and I just know that my legs are not enjoying carrying around 342 lbs of me. The healing process has been horrible, going on 6 months of pain. I told my other half today that the pain is at least at a 5, and on really bad days exceeds a ten. I have had no relief in 6 months. I want this surgery for so many reasons. The very least of them is getting into smaller clothing. I want to do so many things with my family that I am unable to do now. I want to walk like a normal person, I want to not worry about sitting in a chair and breaking it, I want to cross my legs!!!! So many simple things that so many normal sized people take for granted. I have been obese since I was 22 years old. I want to have some years of my life where I am normal. But if I can't succeed on a diet now, why am I going to succeed after the surgery? I know that I will be forced to, but why can't I just do it now???? What is so wrong with me that I can't stop eating everything that is in front of me??? Sorry for bringing you all down, just my little dilemma. Donna

Donna, Hun first off take a deep breath and forgive yourself....~hugs~ We are ALL here because we can not do this on our own, if we could we would not need the surgery. I have to tell you that I had the same thoughts because my cuz had the surgery before me and I said I would never do the surgery because if I could stick to something I would have done it already but what I learned since following her after her surgery is something changes in your thought pattern, you start to eat good foods because you know you have to!!! I know when I have tried something I know I shouldn't have it makes me feel so icky, not in my mind but my body feels bad and I really do not want to feel that way. Since you do not have a hunger at the begining it is pretty easy to stay on track. I can't explain it hun, just something happens to you once you have the surgery. It is NOT a diet but a whole new way of life!!!! I still try stuff that I shouldn't, I am not perfect but I know what I have to do and it just works. Hun I wish you the very best. ~hugs~ Take your time, read more, learn, ask questions and just chat/post here more, it sure helps....~hugs~ Debra P

Dear Donna, Hi Angel Girl! Before you read any further, I want you to take a deep breath and let it out slowly... that's it.. now another. Good girl! Now sweetie, I'm glad that you got all that stuff off of your chest and out of your system -- holding it in and dwelling on it all the time isn't going to do you any good whatsoever. And I bet now that you have cleared the garbage out, you can answer your own question. How do I know that? Cuz I know you are a smart woman and have done research on WLS. I'm sure it has come back to you that when you have gastric bypass (Roux-en-Y) that your body isn't able to absorb the calories (or vitamins/minerals) anymore, that your stomach will only be the size of a small egg (next time you are at the grocery store, take a look at small eggs.. and I'm betting a small egg will be a generous size for your pouch), and because of those two conditions you will have no choice but to lose weight. You will also be exercising -- even if it is just short walks at first -- and that will add to your weight loss, cuz what does every doctor you've ever known say? Less calories and more exercise. Well, hon, you will achieve that immediately. I know that you are scared you may "fail" this "diet" too, but in reality it isn't a "diet"... it is a life change -- just like puberty or menopause, so you won't fail. You will succeed. You will find the inner self that you know has always struggled to escape. You will stop hurting. You will have energy to burn and smiles to share. Don't doubt yourself -- you are a winner. Big Hugs to you!! Lisa Z 10 days and counting

Dear Donna: Believe me, you are not alone. I have had the same thoughts. I'm struggling with the pre surgical diet (fluids only) because my surgery is the day after tomorrow. I wonder how I'm going to handle the restrictions after surgery. I too could never lose weight and keep it off before. But I'm just listening to everyone who has gone before and trusting my doctor, nutritionist, and all the good people who are a part of this website. Don't doubt yourself - I believe this surgery gives you a fighting chance to change your life. Stay in touch. Suzanne