Jamie getting current....6+ yrs out

1/18/2009
Getting current....I have had a lifelong struggle with obesity and in 2002at the age of 29/30 I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. Surgery was about being healthy not my weight and not my body image (although they were affected they were not my goals) I had been a successful dieting failure, loosing 70-100lbs more than 3 times in the 10 years prior to surgery; being overweight since I was 8 yrs old.

Gastric bypass was successful; I lost 100% of my excess weight in 7 months (BMI 47->24.9) mainly due to a combination of my age, starting BMI, preop education, LUCK & my personality lending me to be the 'perfect patient' (little did I realize this is not a positive thing!). I feel it was also being very active in the bariatric community online and in person support groups I attended or facilitated that helped me reach and stay at goal for so long and not stray too far!

I reflect now and am aware of switching addictions after surgery from food to exercise. I had developed an exercise addiction, being obsessed with daily exercise for 4 years, having to do at least 10 hours a week in the gym if not more, 6 hours of that cardio and no days off, I thought about it all the time and planned my life around it (instead of food!). I burned out!!!!!!!!!

Fear, sadness, shame, guilt, anger and loneliness were the emotions I was trying to avoid with food or exercise.

I kept the weight off until 2+ yrs ago when my emotional eating returned. I had allowed the stressors in my life at that time to guide me in a negative direction and I stopped making healthy choices in living and coping. My new lifestyle and coping didn't hold up and I have episodically reverted to more familiar ways (eating when not physically hungry, eating more carbs, isolating, sleeping, avoidance). In the Fall of 2006 I did a year worth of personal growth and worked on my shame, codependency, perfectionism, anger, sadness and fear that permeated/effected my life and relationships. I gained many tools to cope (Meditation, positive affirmations, chanting, being present, much of Geneen Roth's work helped also, letting go/surrendering, connection with my spirituality, CODA meetings, setting boundaries that were healthy, journaling).

All along my weight was never the focus, merely a symptom of my emotional mismanagement. Over time again I have allowed life to erode many of these new found coping skills, and the choices I have made are not the ones to put me in balance or to be centered, present or healthy. I have become more aware of this over the past 3 months and am ready to address these things below. I take full accountability and responsibility for my actions and choices.


Up until a few weeks ago I was (NOT) coping with life's stressors by:
1) Avoidance and numbing with food (more carbs which drives more physical hunger on top of the emotional hunger).
2) Isolating from previous level of activities and socialization. (friends/family/church/exercise/CODA meetings/shopping).
3) Working long hours and on off tours via remote access at home intruding on home; attempting to avoid and be perfect.
4) Procrastination at home and work.
5) Increased sedentary activity such as sleeping in or going to bed early, watching much more than usual movies/TV, naps on weekends.
6) NO EXERCISE in MONTHS!.

MY GOAL has always been so I am refocusing on this: "I want to more balance in my life by being more physically and emotionally present and healthy"

Steps I have taken in past few weeks to rediscover my path:

1. Started gradually exercising to find that balance between all or nothing..so far 30 min 3x week is the balance! Slow and steady! SUPERWOMAN does not work anymore!
2. Started daily journaling of my thoughts, feelings and sometimes food.
3. Started a food discovery log (identifying my physical, emotional aspects of hunger and eating etc.)
4. Started daily affirmations reading and listening.
5. Started daily listening to transforming eating obsessions CD (self hypnosis/guided imagery)
6. Meditating daily.
7. Practicing my deep breathing daily to deal with stress.
8. Returned to CODA meetings
9. Broke out of my isolation with friends and family.
10. Stopped over sleeping/napping to avoid.
11. Returned slowly to online support groups.
12. Returned to more personal growth work individually.
13. MAKING ME A PRIORITY! SPEAKING MY TRUTH AND LIVING IN THE ONLY PLACE I CAN NOW!


I always find honesty with self, accountability to self, sharing and in community I can not only survive but I can and do thrive! I am here! OPEN, HONEST AND CURRENT!

TODAY there is no place for self-criticism or judgment; today I am practicing JUST NOTICING! ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME? I would not be who I am today without my challenges, I am accepting them, embracing them and learning from them!
GRATITUDE WORKS!

I am grateful for my life, I am grateful for all of you! BEING ALIVE, really ALIVE and present today is MARVELOUS! I am posting as widely as possible to share!

WOW thank you for posting that...You know that I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since october 2008.  I am feeling better and going to see thearpist and now meds have kicked in.....I am waiting for the right time to go back to work cause i kow most people there were neysayers about me being :TOO SKINNY,anoroxic ect:.  i feel the old Bridgit coming back everyday!!!  Thank god!!!  I kow that when I do go back I will be prepared to face all of this.  i am who i am I can't change that.  I know what it is like to just want to hide out in my house and deal with no one...   I know that when I do go back months will have passed and I am sure they will all think I am still too skinny cause I am skinner now than ever!!!!  Stress is a hard thing to deal with when you always used food and in my case shopping which i do not do anymore either.....I plan on being pleasant to all at my workplace BUT when it comes to personal questions I am saying I am DONE answering them....Done with Catness Done with negativity...I do not need that or to think I have friends that really are not i am done with!!!!!!!!!!!!   I know I will be fine BUT still looking for better job!!!  I will keep doing that cause after 8 yrs I want out of that negative work enviroment!!  XXOO Miss ya Jamie

Thanks for posting this!!! I know I am not alone gong through what I have over the last couple of months & it looks like you have been dealing with a few of the same issues. I am determined to get back on track & loose the rest of what I had planned when I was still pre-op. It doesn't matter how long it takes but what matters is that I do it & not let the evils of the past win out!! I knew this was going to come up eventually but I was hoping I'd be further than a year post-op when they hit!! It disappoints me now that I let my 1 yr surgiversary go by without even so much as a single acknowledgment. I worked hard to get where I am & with this surgery god knows I wouldn't be below 300 lbs... I'd more than likely be well over 500 & that in itself should be enough to make me feel good. It is a tough road & I hope that any newbies out there see what our struggles are like & not think that this tool (aka surgery) will be the be-all & end-all for all of their troubles!! It doesn't fix the head but only the stomach... to a certain extent, anyway!!!

Good luck to you!! You have been such a source of good info & motivation to me over the years I know we both can get back on track & succeed!!!!
Cece

Thanks to both  of you.  I have missed your posts, been wondering where  you have been.  You have both been a help to me, though you never knew it.  I had my surgery in August last year, but have been hanging around this site since well before that.  I have bookmarked and printed so much information, references, inspiration and it has helped me to feel "normal".  I feel that the mental piece of this journey is the hardest part.  I am glad to see that this is "normal" and that we can get through it with help from our (online) friends. I wish I lived closer to your area, (I am 2-2 1/2 hours west of you). 

Thanks for coming back...thanks for your posts....they help many more than you can know.  When I print them, I share them with others who aren't even a part of this forum...but are going through the same things that we do.....your experience and knowledge is shared.


Hang in there and thanks for your support!

Penny,
You are doing great!! Keep up the awesome work!! Yeah, so many people come into this thinking that the surgery fixes everything & as you can see that's so not the case!! I knew full well that I had issues & have been working on them but the holidays are tough & even though in some ways it was easier for me this year it was tougher too. I let myself loose track of things pertaining to my surgery & now am trying to fix the damage. I refuse to beat myself up over it - I am only human & can only handle one day at a time!! I will get this under control again & I will succeed!! This will be a lifelong battle but I am working on it & refuse to let it become all-consuming!!! I let food rule my life for 40 yrs & am not going to let it be that way for the next 40!!

Don't be afraid to come & ask anything! I have seen people get beat up over questions, especially on the main board, but don't worry - we won't do that!! If you think your question is "stupid" (no question is stupid) you can always pm us!! We're here & will always help when we can!!!!

Cece

Jamie,
All I can say is THANK YOU for being so honest, so many think that this surgery is a magical cure and that is a major fault! We have to change not only our eating but our OLD way of living!

THANK YOU!

Thank you for being here andreading this. You are welcome keeping it real for myself is the ponly way and paying it forward is my deal.......w/o realistic expectations so many will sufer sadly..........