10 Relationship Savers
10 Relationship Savers
(Mind, Body, Spirit)
By: Jude Milner MA, CSW, CPT
Category: Weight Loss Surgery
All too often, relationships break up after weight loss surgery. One surgeon I work with in New York City, claims that he sees an extraordinarily high divorce rate among his patients. Wow! I'm happy to say that I haven't seen that with my clients, and that I am still happily married three years post-surgery.
My work is the same with both types of couples. Helping them to hone their communication skills with each other, face certain truths and slow down for at least one hour a week to really connect. If you have someone in your life you cared about before surgery, you owe it to both of you to ask the hard questions. I've boiled down the basics of having and keeping a good relationship into ten top relationship savers. They each have a question or two attached. It's now time to evaluate where your relationship is. Ask the hard questions. If you can't answer them, perhaps you and your partner need to work on them together.
One:
Neglecting Your Partner
One of the best parts of a relationship is having a companion to share things with and having someone to count on. Treat your mate as an important partner by spending enough quality time together to satisfy each of your requirements in this area and to maintain your connection. Ask yourself, "Since my surgery, I've developed a lot of new friends and activities. Have I included my partner?"
Two:
Depriving Your Partner
Expressing love though affection and caring behaviors are crucial to keeping a relationship strong and vibrant. Being present emotionally is not the same as simply being in the house each evening watching the news before going to sleep. Ask yourself, "Am I keeping the communication open and positive in my relationship a little bit every day?" Upon waking and just before going to sleep are special times to have those moments of intimate communication that can keep you connected.
Three:
Dishonesty and Betrayal
Cheating and lying breaks down the basic foundation that a good healthy relationship is based on - trust. This can be very difficult to mend. Has there been a wound of this nature in your relationship? Ask yourself, "Have we been able to move past this disrespectful incident?" "Are we really healing or have we simply swept it under the rug?" Couples counseling is highly recommended at these times.
Four:
Attacking Your Partner
Aggressive behavior is never OK. Physical or sexual abuse should end a marriage. Not being able to control emotions and behaviors requires professional help. Verbal abuse, blaming, accusing and insulting your partner are less extreme but nonetheless - destruc¬tive. Ask yourself, "Have I become abusive toward my mate?" or "Have I stayed in a relationship where I feel disrespected and accept abuse?"
Five:
Scapegoating
After a rough day at work or with the kids do you take it out on your partner? This is called displaced anger or scapegoating. The adage of the old song, You Always Hurt The One You Love, can be avoided if you do what it takes to meet a real problem head-on. Ask yourself, "Do I try to communicate as effectively as I can?" and, "Can I ask for help and support with problems when I need it?" Help can come from a trusted friend, relative or a professional.
Six:
Pick, Pick, Pick, Pick Pick...
We all know relationships have their ups and downs. But the negative stuff -- nitpicking, nagging and criti¬cism -- shouldn't be the dominant dynamic in a rela¬tionship. Think back to the early days when "yes, dear" and "whatever you'd like to do sweetie" were said and meant. An important goal in any relationship is to help the other person feel good about themselves. Address¬ing real problems and not neglecting them can keep open communication flowing and reduce negative criti¬cism and sarcasm from creeping in. This negativity can erode a loving relationship. Ask yourself, "How do I want my partner to feel about him/herself?" and "How would I feel if someone said that to me?"
Seven:
Airing Your Dirty Laundry
Yeah, it sounds as distasteful as it is. Going outside the relationship to friends and family to vent your frustrations isn't going to fix the problem. You may be making things worse. Your partner may feel betrayed that you revealed private material to others that could cause embarrassment. By portraying the worst trait or incident of your partner, you are showing only a thin slice of the full and complicated person you care about. Your confidants may carry skewed perceptions into future interactions with you as a couple. Ask your¬self, "Have I talked about private stuff with people that I've later regretted?" Don't do it again. Respect the boundaries of your relationship.
Eight:
Controlling Attitudes and Actions
Possessiveness, jealousy and controlling tendencies can cause resentment. We each have rights and needs, but when you decide what is right or deny someone else their rights -- you're wrong. If you are controlling, or being controlled, there's a problem. Ask yourself, "Why would I want to control my partner?" or "What might be going on in my relationship that would bring up these insecurities?"
Nine:
It's All About Me
Ah, ...no, it's not. You're in a relationship. Being too self-centered and selfish can turn a partnership sour. It can be really tough at this time as your body is trans¬forming for you to remember this. However, the other person usually winds up feeling deprived, neglected and unimportant. Appreciate your partner who has been there for you through this rough and exciting time. When the dust settles after weight loss surgery, you can come through this closer than ever before. Ask yourself, "Have I let my partner know how much I appreciate him or her while I've been going through this deeply personal journey? Do I give as much as I get in my relationship?"
Ten:
Being a Martyr
You can't have a healthy relationship with a doormat. Sacrifice and consideration of others is a healthy part of a balanced relationship, but if you relinquish your needs and desires at your own expense time and time again, you can't be happy. Unhappy people bring bit¬terness, resentment and depression to a burned out relationship. Ask yourself, "Do I take care of myself as much as I take care of my loved ones?" "Am I able to stand up for myself when I need to?"
Jude Milner MA, LCSW, CPT is a psychotherapist and personal fitness trainer who has had gastric bypass surgery. She runs her program, Fitness Therapy? out of New York City. Contact Jude at 917.225.2751 or visit her website at www.fitnesstherapy.org.
WLS Lifestyles - www.wlslifestyles.com - Copyright 2005
http://www.wlslifestyles.com/printer-friendly.php?id=81
(Mind, Body, Spirit)
By: Jude Milner MA, CSW, CPT
Category: Weight Loss Surgery
All too often, relationships break up after weight loss surgery. One surgeon I work with in New York City, claims that he sees an extraordinarily high divorce rate among his patients. Wow! I'm happy to say that I haven't seen that with my clients, and that I am still happily married three years post-surgery.
My work is the same with both types of couples. Helping them to hone their communication skills with each other, face certain truths and slow down for at least one hour a week to really connect. If you have someone in your life you cared about before surgery, you owe it to both of you to ask the hard questions. I've boiled down the basics of having and keeping a good relationship into ten top relationship savers. They each have a question or two attached. It's now time to evaluate where your relationship is. Ask the hard questions. If you can't answer them, perhaps you and your partner need to work on them together.
One:
Neglecting Your Partner
One of the best parts of a relationship is having a companion to share things with and having someone to count on. Treat your mate as an important partner by spending enough quality time together to satisfy each of your requirements in this area and to maintain your connection. Ask yourself, "Since my surgery, I've developed a lot of new friends and activities. Have I included my partner?"
Two:
Depriving Your Partner
Expressing love though affection and caring behaviors are crucial to keeping a relationship strong and vibrant. Being present emotionally is not the same as simply being in the house each evening watching the news before going to sleep. Ask yourself, "Am I keeping the communication open and positive in my relationship a little bit every day?" Upon waking and just before going to sleep are special times to have those moments of intimate communication that can keep you connected.
Three:
Dishonesty and Betrayal
Cheating and lying breaks down the basic foundation that a good healthy relationship is based on - trust. This can be very difficult to mend. Has there been a wound of this nature in your relationship? Ask yourself, "Have we been able to move past this disrespectful incident?" "Are we really healing or have we simply swept it under the rug?" Couples counseling is highly recommended at these times.
Four:
Attacking Your Partner
Aggressive behavior is never OK. Physical or sexual abuse should end a marriage. Not being able to control emotions and behaviors requires professional help. Verbal abuse, blaming, accusing and insulting your partner are less extreme but nonetheless - destruc¬tive. Ask yourself, "Have I become abusive toward my mate?" or "Have I stayed in a relationship where I feel disrespected and accept abuse?"
Five:
Scapegoating
After a rough day at work or with the kids do you take it out on your partner? This is called displaced anger or scapegoating. The adage of the old song, You Always Hurt The One You Love, can be avoided if you do what it takes to meet a real problem head-on. Ask yourself, "Do I try to communicate as effectively as I can?" and, "Can I ask for help and support with problems when I need it?" Help can come from a trusted friend, relative or a professional.
Six:
Pick, Pick, Pick, Pick Pick...
We all know relationships have their ups and downs. But the negative stuff -- nitpicking, nagging and criti¬cism -- shouldn't be the dominant dynamic in a rela¬tionship. Think back to the early days when "yes, dear" and "whatever you'd like to do sweetie" were said and meant. An important goal in any relationship is to help the other person feel good about themselves. Address¬ing real problems and not neglecting them can keep open communication flowing and reduce negative criti¬cism and sarcasm from creeping in. This negativity can erode a loving relationship. Ask yourself, "How do I want my partner to feel about him/herself?" and "How would I feel if someone said that to me?"
Seven:
Airing Your Dirty Laundry
Yeah, it sounds as distasteful as it is. Going outside the relationship to friends and family to vent your frustrations isn't going to fix the problem. You may be making things worse. Your partner may feel betrayed that you revealed private material to others that could cause embarrassment. By portraying the worst trait or incident of your partner, you are showing only a thin slice of the full and complicated person you care about. Your confidants may carry skewed perceptions into future interactions with you as a couple. Ask your¬self, "Have I talked about private stuff with people that I've later regretted?" Don't do it again. Respect the boundaries of your relationship.
Eight:
Controlling Attitudes and Actions
Possessiveness, jealousy and controlling tendencies can cause resentment. We each have rights and needs, but when you decide what is right or deny someone else their rights -- you're wrong. If you are controlling, or being controlled, there's a problem. Ask yourself, "Why would I want to control my partner?" or "What might be going on in my relationship that would bring up these insecurities?"
Nine:
It's All About Me
Ah, ...no, it's not. You're in a relationship. Being too self-centered and selfish can turn a partnership sour. It can be really tough at this time as your body is trans¬forming for you to remember this. However, the other person usually winds up feeling deprived, neglected and unimportant. Appreciate your partner who has been there for you through this rough and exciting time. When the dust settles after weight loss surgery, you can come through this closer than ever before. Ask yourself, "Have I let my partner know how much I appreciate him or her while I've been going through this deeply personal journey? Do I give as much as I get in my relationship?"
Ten:
Being a Martyr
You can't have a healthy relationship with a doormat. Sacrifice and consideration of others is a healthy part of a balanced relationship, but if you relinquish your needs and desires at your own expense time and time again, you can't be happy. Unhappy people bring bit¬terness, resentment and depression to a burned out relationship. Ask yourself, "Do I take care of myself as much as I take care of my loved ones?" "Am I able to stand up for myself when I need to?"
Jude Milner MA, LCSW, CPT is a psychotherapist and personal fitness trainer who has had gastric bypass surgery. She runs her program, Fitness Therapy? out of New York City. Contact Jude at 917.225.2751 or visit her website at www.fitnesstherapy.org.
WLS Lifestyles - www.wlslifestyles.com - Copyright 2005
http://www.wlslifestyles.com/printer-friendly.php?id=81
Take Care, 
Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP
100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY
320(preop)/163(lowest)/185(current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery)
Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"
Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP
100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY
320(preop)/163(lowest)/185(current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery)
Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"
I so agree with you here. My BF of 17 yrs has not treated me any different noe then he did when I weight 246. He still looks the same way at me and I have only seen him look at other men looking at me and make a joke that wow that guys was just checking you out hah... He makes a joke about it. I will never stray from him. He is the father of my 14 yr old son and yes there are days that i am sure he gets annoyed with me I am a picker excpect a perfect home and living with two men it can be hard to have it that way. I take total pride in my relationship. I remember leave a WLS group in Saratoga and telling him about if the relation is good it will last if it isn't it may not...He told me he will work thru anything he only wants me to be healthy and if surgery is the way I chosse he may not want me to do it BUT if it makes me happy then go for it. I see that I am more open with him about my feelings and I see myself lovoing him even more due to the fact that I am going thru such a hard time with depression and anxiety. He finds ways to kepp me focused on the good and not the bad and when I am getting worked up he finds ways to deture me from getting to worked up. I hope everyone that has had or will be having this surgery will be open and honest with their partner it makes a huge difference. I mean our relationship is far from perfect we have a spats here and there on stupid stuff mostly $ and our son. I thank you for posting such a great post and hopefully alot of people will post about it it is very interesting!!!!! I get the commment alot from people like your BF must be so jealous and I am like NO WAY and if he started there would be a problem...I am honest and give no reason to make him feel that way. I have changd yes some good some bad BUT he tries to do what he can to change with me!! XXOO to all
Bridgit Montgomery
Gastric Bipass 2/11/08
DR. Singh
Gastric Bipass 2/11/08
DR. Singh
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