Friends Upset about surgery

I think that for the most part people are afraid of the unknown. I could have been guilty of this years ago when a close family member was considering it.
The important thing is that you are educating yourself about the process. If you are at peace with the decision that you made - then that's all that counts. It would be an excellent opportunity for your boyfriend to browse on this site or attend a meeting if he hasn't already.
Good Luck to you.

Thank you for sharing your challenges with us. It is not uncommon at all the ignorance many have.

Truly I think fear drives this, and not being educated, but it truly is not necessary and unhelpful to say the least! It is soo common I have a canned response. You can say thank you for your concern gee you must be worried about me, this validates THEIR OPINION, everyone has one.

NAYSAYERS! JEALOUSY or CONCERN?

It is common for friends/family members to respond to "OUR" choice to have surgery in non-supportive ways. There are many reasons, including jealousy, fear, concern etc; because what we do effects those closest to us. They may be uncomfortable, frightened, unable to adjust easily. All we can do is include them in our process so it may be beneficial to us both, educating them but ultimately if they adjust is their choice and beyond our control. We can assist in asking clearly and directly for what we need (it is then their choice to give it or not); ultimately this is our process and all we can do is be self responsible (w/ or w/o their support) for our journey. We can keep the lines of communication open, letting them know our feelings, as well as appreciation when they can offer support. Best case scenario is over time they can see we didn't take the 'easy way out', can assist us in our success and believe in our ability to make the tool work for a lifetime despite its limitations, and deal w/ their own feelings vs projecting them onto us if they are upset, angry, fearful so not to sabotage our efforts. We do not need police or critics; we need supporters/cheerleaders and empathetic listeners who can truly be there for the good/bad/ugly. It is not a competition but many friends/family can see it that way as quite threatening indeed. We ultimately can surround ourselves w/ positive energy and support or negative energy. It is a beautiful journey one that can assist us in loss of wt but growth in self esteem and personal growth to a healthier way of communicating in relationships, it may involve leaving sabotaging and unhealthy relationships so we can fully blossom, no longer being a victim of our cir****tances, many times our self worth can keep us positive and enable us to choose healthier coping and healthier choices in communication and relationships. WLS can give us so much more than our physical health if we work at it! Our significant relationships can thrive and benefit as we get healthier, as we learn to love ourselves from the inside we will have so much more love to give others, vs the old self loathing and hate many had....As we work on the sabotaging relationships and any efforts those around us make to instill us with Fear (of abandonment/punishment), use of obligation or guilt to revert to old habits, make us feel selfish for our own wellness/self care. Learning to id these emotional blackmail techniques and ways to use boundaries, communication, negotiation either from some self help reading on the topics or therapy can be our best tool to deal w/ the changes WLS may bring to our lives/relationships, challenging yes, impossible no...Sometimes distance or leaving a relationship is our only choice but better than regain due to sabotage, NOONE has any intention at regaining wt after WLS, sadly it happens and all to frequently relationship stressors can be a major trigger to old emotional eating patterns, slowly they can resurface, after all we used them for years, it is not so easy to change (for ourselves or others).

For me I try and listen to what they are really saying before I get defensive, "I hear you are sad because or you seem angry because," Sometimes a simple acknowledgment (not agreement) is all anyone needs/wants. Offer that and agree to disagree, or finally use the "I feel, or I statements taking 'blame/judgment' out of the scenario which can escalate a situation.

Be well! It is a glorious journey one we would love to have assistance on, we can ask but sometimes we do not get, but we can get thru it! Support can come in many forms, online, in person support groups, places u may of never thought!

Forgot to add, remember although we can not control others we can control our response to them. I have some PDF files on communication, naysayers etc email me off list at [email protected] I would glaldy send them to you if desired! Be well. It is safe to share here!

Hi:

I wanted WLS three years ago and I was scheduled for surgery on a Tuesday and the day before I found out that my insurance company would not cover the surgery.  At that time, co-workers and others tried to discourage me about having the surgery.  I was successful at having the surgery the end of July and it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.  All my life I have struggled with my weight and have been up and down.  I did this to save my life.  When I went to the psychiatrist he asked me why I wanted the surgery and I told him "I want to live".  I am now four months post-op and -60 lbs.  Best of luck to you. 

Breaking the News: The Who, When, and Why of Telling Others About Your Surgery
By: Terri Elofson Bly, Psy.D
Category: Weight Loss Surgery

To tell or not to tell, that is the question. Or at least, it's one of many important questions each person who is planning to have, or has already had, gastric bypass surgery must consider. Do you tell your family about the surgery? How about friends? Co-workers? And if so, when? Why is it important to tell anyone at all?
Last year, I conducted a study consisting of in-depth interviews with a number of men and women who had undergone gastric bypass surgery. One of the questions was, "How did others react when you told them about your plans to have the surgery?" I was surprised at how many of the participants replied something like this: "Well, they didn't react because I didn't tell them."
The decision to undergo gastric bypass surgery is a very personal one, and it is easy to argue that it is no one's business but your own. David, a married father of two, passionately defended his decision to keep quiet by arguing, "I certainly don't expect my female co-worker to announce to everyone that she is going to have a hysterectomy. Why should this be any different?" On the other hand, this surgery is quite different from a hysterectomy. First of all, it's much more noticeable; a change in one's uterus, no matter how dramatic, is easier to hide than a 10-pound-per-week weight loss. Furthermore, adjusting to the drastic nature of the surgery and the major lifestyle changes that follow can be difficult enough with a wide support network. Facing it alone can be overwhelming. Establishing a network of people who support you can serve as an invaluable resource during times of physical and emotional stress before, during, and after the surgery. The findings of the few research studies that have been conducted on this topic support what I have seen in my private practice: people who have a strong support system often have a more positive post-surgery experience than those who do not. That being said, there are often many obstacles that can make it difficult to confide in others about your plans for surgery, and no hard and fast rules exist that determine whom you should tell or when you should tell them. There are, however, some factors to keep in mind when determining when and how to form your own support system.
A patient I saw recently had not told anyone about his decision to have the surgery because he knew that his friends would have negative things to say about the surgery and he was not up to hearing it. He went on to explain that he was not feeling 100% certain about the decision himself, and he feared that hearing negative comments from others would lead him to change his mind. Perhaps you, like my patient, find yourself hesitating to tell anyone as you prepare yourself for the surgery, even keeping the information from close friends and family. If so, this may be time to engage in some self-reflection. What is keeping you from telling anyone? Are you embarrassed about having the surgery? Perhaps you still wrestle with fear or doubt about the decision, and are afraid to hear those doubts reflected in the faces and comments of those you tell. Asking yourself if perhaps your hesitation is because of your own fear, doubt, or shame is an important step in this process, and you may want to consider talking this over with a professional before having the surgery. Since most programs require a psychological assessment prior to surgery, you may want to take that opportunity to voice your concerns, as the psychologist may have some suggestions or resources for you - perhaps a few sessions of individual counseling - as you sort out your own feelings about the surgery. Becoming isolated from those who care about you the most is a high price to pay to avoid dealing with your own demons.
Another explanation patients often give for not telling close friends or family is that they do not want their loved ones to worry. One of the women in my study decided not to tell her elderly father, as she feared he would worry too much about her when he already had his own health concerns to deal with. Many patients are also painfully aware that the media focuses mainly on the horror stories, and they fear that those they tell will begin sending them clips of the latest surgery-related death, or lay awake at nights fearing for the worst. While this is certainly a possibility, it is also important to recognize that this is an opportunity to educate them about the realities of the surgery, to share your knowledge of the procedure with them, and answer any questions they may have about your decision. You might even want to invite them to attend an information session or support group with you. Many of the people I've spoken with said that once they took the opportunity to talk with their loved ones about the surgery, those individuals became much more supportive as the new information abated their fears.
Perhaps you are aware that some family members or close friends are adamantly against weight loss surgery, and you are concerned that telling them about your decision will cause rifts in these relationships. Weight loss surgery can evoke strong emotions, even from people who do not suffer from obesity. Rachel, a young college student, was extremely concerned about how her decision would impact her relationship with anti-surgery family members. "You know," she said, "just thinking about that huge disappointment that I thought others would feel...I had to decide whether or not I could live with that." Telling someone who is not supportive of the surgery certainly has the potential to create tension in the relationship. Not telling them, however, could also cause hurt feelings, as those close to you will likely find out anyway and will wonder why you kept such an important decision from them. It is important to ask yourself if, by not telling them, you are simply putting off the inevitable confrontation, in which case it is probably better to tell them sooner rather than later. Most individuals I've spoken to found that their family members reacted much better than they anticipated. Rachel's grandfather, whom she was sure was going to be angry, was quite proud of her for taking steps to improve her health, and they even bonded over their coinciding surgery experiences (he had recently had heart surgery). While it may take a few days or even weeks for your family to adjust to the idea of weight loss surgery, most will likely come around eventually and, if not exactly supportive of the surgery, will at least support you. Even when the conversation did not go as well as they had hoped, most people I have spoken to said they still felt empowered for having made the effort to explain their decision and stand up for what they believed was best for them, even if it meant disapproval from those they care about.
Most often, the reason people give me for not telling anyone about their decision is that they are embarrassed. David summed this up well: "It was humiliating to think that people would know that I was so fat that I had to have surgery. That I was unable to do anything about it myself." Obesity, for many people, provides many embarrassing moments. Consequently, these individuals are not usually seeking out new opportunities for humiliation. David was aware of his co-workers' tendency to gossip, and knew that if he told anyone at work, the news would spread quickly and he would soon become the center of attention - something he was decidedly uninterested in being. Some gastric bypass surgery patients experience their decision to have the procedure as an embarrassing admission of defeat. They cannot lose weight "on their own," and so they need the surgery to do it for them. Their perceived failure is something they prefer to keep to themselves, thank you very much. This rationale is pretty easy to understand, given the reality of the current cultural attitude toward weight loss surgery. I have spoken to many people about gastric bypass surgery, and am aware that nearly everyone, including those who have never struggled with obesity, seems to have an opinion about the procedure and its validity as a weight loss solution. Therefore, I also know that some people do in fact think of surgery as the easy way out, and do not hesitate to say so. For this reason, it certainly makes sense to assess your own comfort level with the wide range of possible responses when deciding whether to tell co-workers, casual acquaintances, or the check-out person at the grocery store.
The decision to tell or not to tell takes on new meaning once the surgery has been performed and the weight loss becomes noticeable. Everyone, including family, friends, co-workers, and the grocery store clerk, wants to know how you did it. Was it Weigh****chers®? South Beach®? Were you a contestant on "The Biggest Loser"? Or was it surgery? For some, admitting it was the latter feels like admitting that you did not really do it "on your own." While you know that losing the weight took a tremendous amount of courage, effort, and dedication, others may not see it that way. Ann, a soft-spoken teacher, says that when she tells people, they often respond with an "Oh," that she usually interprets as "Oh, so you didn't actually do it. Well, that's disappointing." David decided to tell his co-workers and other casual acquaintances that he lost the weight "just by doing the things you have to do to lose it." He added that he got so tired of explaining it to everyone, and dealing with all of the questions and opinions, that he simply stopped telling anyone that he had gastric bypass surgery. Rachel first decided to treat the inquiries as an opportunity to educate people about the surgery. But even she got tired of having to talk about it all of the time. "I want to be myself," she sighed, "and not just this woman who had gastric bypass surgery and lost a bunch of weight." The reality, unfortunately, is that in this weight-obsessed society people will want to know how you did it, may ask for updates for years afterwards, and will do so with varying levels of tact ("So, how much have you lost so far?" "Hey! Turn around so I can see how thin you are from behind!"). And unless you are comfortable turning heel and walking away with no response, you will probably need to come up with something. Your best bet might be to decide under what cir****tances you will tell the truth, and whether you will use something like David's approach in other situations. If you find yourself frustrated, tired, or embarrassed by the constant inquiries and comments about your weight loss, you might want to consider talking about it with a counselor, or seek support from those in the same boat, perhaps at a support group, with a friend who has had the surgery, or on an online message board for surgery patients.
It's a tricky business, balancing the need for support while respecting your own right to privacy. But the better prepared you are for handling the interpersonal aspects of weight loss surgery; the easier it will be to face them with pride and confidence.
Terri Elofson Bly, Psy.D conducts pre-surgery psychological assessments for several surgical weight loss programs in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. She also speaks at weight loss support groups, for pre- and post-surgery patients. She is currently employed at Hoistad and Associates, a private practice in St. Paul. As part of her graduate studies, Dr. Bly received training at the Eastern Maine Medical Center's Surgical Weight Loss Program, a Center of Excellence in Bangor, ME.
WLS Lifestyles - www.wlslifestyles.com - Copyright 2006
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I thank everyone so much for your responses.  I have decided that I am not going to let what two people have said bother me.  I know what I am doing and have been researching this for over a year and have been in the program at Albany Med for 14 months.  If these two people were really the friends I thought they were I think they would have listened a little more to what I had to say instead of just telling me how stupid I wias and that I was not obese as far as they were concerned etc etc.  Well to me I am obese and acording to my doctors I am obese.  So I am moving forward and going to contiue with my plans.  As for my boyfriend he really doesn't want me to have the surgery but will support me either way.  He always states he just wants me to be healthy therefore in order to be healthy I need to lose this weight.  Hopefully by My next apointtment I will have lost the remaining 6 lbs and can start looking to set a date. Thanks to everyone agian.

I had the same thing happen to me.  I was 278 lbs 5'10.  My whole family was against me having the surgery, and most of my friends said your not that fat, you can lose it! Or I know someone who has done it and they hate it...or you gain all the weight back, wtf!  

 I'm like its so hard, I tried, believe me, I tried for  25 ******g years! Its my life, Can't suceed without taking risks...  Ok I had type 2 diabetes, sleep apnea, and high blood pressure going against me.  And even my own PCP and Endocrinologist told me I had to do somehing drastic, or I will probably be dead in 20 years....  Having the RNY was the greatest thing to ever happen to me in my life.  I look good, feel better, and I don't have diabetes and sleep apnea anymore.

I believe its safe if you have an experienced surgeon, a good hospital, and since you aren't so big the surgery statistics may not apply to you.  I read somewhere those death rates among patients undergoing surgery are misleading because the larger the patient is >500 lbs the more chance for complications, and higher rate of death.