Why do "friends" have to be that way?
Jamie,
thank you so much for all of your advice & the articles. I have saved them & printed them out!!
I knew going into this that there were things about me I so desperately wanted to change - constantly seeking everyone's approval, needing to explain myself to everyone no matter what, trying to keep everyone happy even if it's at my own expense & so on!! I know I can't fix these problems alone & I need to start working on them now that they are cropping up more often!! It's a scary road but with the grace of god & a good therapist I can finally become the whole person I wanted to be only at half the weight I was when I started!!
Work will be interesting after I have our little staff meeting - I plan on putting it out there at the end - stating my feelings, disappointment & basically how things will be from here on out! It pains me to not be "part of the group" anymore but as I see it it has become toxic & the boundaries need to be drawn!! Fingers crossed!!! I talk a good talk but my emotions get the best of me at times... deep breathes & I should be fine!!!
Thanks again for everything!!!
Cece
thank you so much for all of your advice & the articles. I have saved them & printed them out!!
I knew going into this that there were things about me I so desperately wanted to change - constantly seeking everyone's approval, needing to explain myself to everyone no matter what, trying to keep everyone happy even if it's at my own expense & so on!! I know I can't fix these problems alone & I need to start working on them now that they are cropping up more often!! It's a scary road but with the grace of god & a good therapist I can finally become the whole person I wanted to be only at half the weight I was when I started!!
Work will be interesting after I have our little staff meeting - I plan on putting it out there at the end - stating my feelings, disappointment & basically how things will be from here on out! It pains me to not be "part of the group" anymore but as I see it it has become toxic & the boundaries need to be drawn!! Fingers crossed!!! I talk a good talk but my emotions get the best of me at times... deep breathes & I should be fine!!!
Thanks again for everything!!!
Cece
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... it is about learning how to dance in the rain!"
My Friends and Family Seem to Prefer the Old Me
By: Warren Huberman, Ph.D.
Category: Weight Management
I can't believe how much weight you've lost!
You seem so much happier and more confident.
Congratulations... you did it!
You look fantastic!
I knew you could do it. I'm so proud of you!
Hopefully, you are hearing accolades like these from your friends and family. Every day, seeing someone you haven't seen for awhile is now a delight rather than dreadful. With each few pounds lost, your appearance, attitude and other qualities may be changing, prompting continuing comments from others. You're feeling different about yourself. In general the changes are positive, but sometimes bumps in the road emerge...
I've heard that a lot of people regain the weight after a few years.
It's not like you lost the weight... it was the surgery.
You think you're hot stuff now that you're thin.
I liked you better before you lost the weight.
You're so arrogant.
You took the easy way out.
What's Going On?!
I went through this complete physical transformation and now that I feel better about myself, I'm getting persecuted for it! Am I really acting that differently than before? Have I become arrogant? I don't think I've changed, but some people are responding differently so I can't be sure. Why is this happening?!
Your Weight Loss Affects All of your Relationships
The emotional and behavioral changes in you don't occur in isolation. In your marriage, at work, with friends, with acquaintances, you may be astounded at just how much losing weight impacts your relationships. In many ways, you really are a very different person and many of your loved ones know it. Ironically, you may be the last person to recognize just how different you are!
Most of these changes will be perceived positively by others. Even with these folks, it may take them a while to become accustomed to the new you. However, some people may react to these changes in a negative manner as the second set of comments suggests. How people respond to you depends on the role you are playing and the manner in which you conduct yourself.
Marriage and Intimate Relationships
The roles in intimate relationships evolve over time. For example, one person comes to handle the family's finances while the other is more involved in managing the kids' schoolwork. One person is more comfortable in the role of decision-maker while the other is more comfortable following along. When you lose weight and start feeling better about yourself, it is possible that you may want to change some of these roles. You may begin to feel more confident making decisions, but that might be met with resistance from your spouse who has historically been the decision-maker. Your spouse may feel uncomfortable giving up some of his or her responsibilities as you want more of them. These issues need to be addressed if they are to be resolved.
Friends, Co-workers, and Groups
Friendships may change as well. Most good friends will champion your success; however, your weight loss may alter the relationship. For example: If you have a close friend who has traditionally struggled with her weight along with you, she may be jealous of your success. She may feel like you no longer understand what it is to struggle with obesity. She may no longer want to talk to you about losing weight. She may feel more self-conscious and not want to go clothes shopping with you anymore. All little things; but, cumulatively, a big thing if not addressed.
Groups can be even more complicated as we are now dealing with a larger cast of characters and more opportunities for personalities to clash. Group conversations operate quite differently than individual friendships. Unlike individual friendships, the members of a group often do not function as complete equals. Let me explain.
At work, there are generally delineated roles that are demarcated through titles... president, vice president, manager, etc. The titles illustrate rank and power. After your weight loss, your work role may remain the same, but the way you will be treated and addressed by others at work may be quite different. A group of friends can function like a small corporation. The members of your group of friends do not have formal titles, but everyone has a role and an expected set of behaviors. Every group of friends has its leader or "president," co-leaders or "vice-presidents" and the rest of the members are the general "employees." The "president" is the person who typically proposes what restaurant or movie to go to on Friday night, or suggests what gift to buy for a friend's baby shower. At times, she may seem bossy or pushy, but that's her role as president.
The "vice-president" (or two) of your group takes it upon herself to agree with the "president" or feels comfortable challenging the "president" with alternative suggestions. The other group members are "employees" who enjoy being in the group and probably generally go along with what the president and vice-president decide. The "employees" value their membership in the group and are either flexible enough that they don't feel the need to challenge what the majority of the group members want or are unwilling to do so. The group functions smoothly, because everybody knows their role and plays it out.
But what happens when somebody tries to change their role? What happens when an "employee" loses 100 pounds and feels more confident and starts acting a bit like a "vice president?" What happens if people outside the group start to interact differently with a much thinner and self-confident "employee" within the group? Things can get sticky in a hurry.
Hopefully, your friends are cheerleaders and are allowing your role within the group to evolve. This changes the way the group operates. Even if the "president" and "vice-presidents" of your group are acting as your cheerleaders, they may be less eager to change their roles within your group. If they are accustomed to getting much of the attention either for their opinion or their appearance, at the least, it may feel awkward for them to experience this change in the dynamics of the group. At worst, your friends might be jealous of your success and make efforts to steal back the spotlight. You might notice some long sighs or snide comments when people remark how fantastic you look. What do you do?
Common Reactions to your Weight Loss
There are three common types of responses that people will have regarding your weight loss and the changes in your attitude and behavior. Let's look at each:
a. The Cheering Section:
Hopefully, most of your friends and family are part of this group. These folks will have nothing but positive things to say about what you have accomplished. Most of my patients that have lost a great deal of weight tell me that they enjoy the compliments and the increased attention. They are justifiably proud of what they have achieved and most of their loved ones want to let them know that they are as well. Your cheering section will want to hear your whole story, and they may want to tell others about it as well. These folks want to bask in the glow of your transformation and help you enjoy your amazing accomplishment.
b. The Indifferent:
These folks are not cheering so loudly and some may not be cheering at all. That's ok too! Not everyone is a cheerleader and believe it or not, you may enjoy having a few people in your world that don't scream, "Oh, my God!" every time you walk into a room. If you've just had surgery, you may want the pounds to melt off as quickly as possible for all to see, but believe me; in a few months you will appreciate those folks who are more subtle in their acknowledgment of your success. While there may be reasons why some people don't cheer for you quite so loudly, as long as they don't say anything derogatory, it's probably better not to inquire as to their reasons for seeming indifferent to your accomplishment.
Be aware that members of you cheering section will eventually seem indifferent to your accomplishment. This is because the novelty has worn off. A few years after your surgery, the "new you" is just "you." You are no longer "Samantha who lost 85 pounds," you're just "Samantha." This is a good thing. Hopefully, your goals for having weight loss surgery were to feel better, look better and to have the ability to do the things that were so difficult so many pounds ago... not to be applauded by others. Now that others have adjusted to the new you, you are closer to the end of your weight loss journey than to the beginning, and can begin focusing on life after weight loss. Congratulations!
c. The Show Stealer and Saboteur:
These are the people who seem to be uncomfortable with what you have accomplished. They are violating the "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" rule. When people compliment you, the show stealer rolls her eyes and sighs. When others gather around you to hear your story, the saboteur throws in a subtle or not so subtle dig. These folks are uncomfortable with your success and appear eager to sabotage or diminish what you have accomplished. Why would a supposed "friend" do such a thing and what can be done about it?
Dealing with the Show Stealers and the Saboteurs
Before we craft a plan to defeat the show stealers and saboteurs, let's consider why anyone would try to rain on your parade. After surgery, it's likely that many people are asking you questions about your weight loss, how you did it and so on. In fact, many of the people who decide to go forward with weight loss surgery found out about it by speaking to someone who has had surgery themselves. You will find yourself in situations where you draw a crowd. Losing as much weight as you have is no small achievement and people want to hear your story, so it's likely that you have become more talkative. It's likely that you are proud of yourself and you should be... it's quite the achievement. Maybe some people thing you're getting a little full of yourself. Be careful. How you conduct yourself when speak about your success and tell your story is critical. A word of advise... be humble.
We live in an interesting society when it comes to fame, celebrity, and accomplishment. The media likes to idolize celebrities as if they were superhuman. Their little foibles are initially dismissed and excused. Then, just as they reach the peak of their fame, the celebrity shows increasing signs of being human just like the rest of us. At this point the media sharks move in, devouring and attacking the celebrity's every little misstep. Name almost any celebrity that you like and you'll see this phenomenon in action. Martha Stewart, Oprah Winfrey, Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise, Lindsay Lohan and on and on it goes. They all eventually made missteps that were unpopular and the same media who worshipped them is now dragging them to the gallows.
So here you are now 100 pounds lighter, looking and feeling like a celebrity. Everyone seems impressed and wants to hear your story. Again... be humble. This is not a suggestion that you downplay what you have achieved, but rather that you be a "beacon of hope" for others, not just a beam of light on yourself. I'll explain more about this later.
I'm going to make a prediction. My prediction is that the people in your world who have negative things to say about your weight loss success are either those who are struggling to lose weight, or friends who have a constant need to be the center of attention...the queens of gab who always seem to steer the conversation towards themselves. Let's look at how to deal with each, with an initial caveat.
A Caveat...
Sometimes, these problems go away without intervention. As people adapt to the changes in you, they will get used to the changes in your relationships with them. You are a work in progress, and therefore, so will your relationships be. Therefore, one consideration may be to simply allow a little time for people to get used to you. If you hear negative comments once or twice, say little and let it pass. However, if the comments persist or if they escalate, you owe it to yourself to speak up. So, back to our two types of saboteurs...
a. The Friend Struggling with their Weight:
This person is more friend than foe. This was the friend with whom you commiserated about your war with the scale...the one you dieted with and tried to go to the gym with. The difference now is that you're winning the war. Your friend may be feeling alone in her struggle now that you're thinner. She may even feel betrayed. It's understandable. Your friend may feel like a failure and cannot see your success as doing anything other than highlighting her inadequacy.
Your friend has two choices: champion your success or tear you down. To champion your success, she has to put her own struggle aside and allow herself to be happy for you for having found a method that works for you. By making snide comments to tear you down, she's trying to avoid having to deal with her own frustration in losing weight. She's trying to tell herself that she isn't failing to accomplish a goal, but rather that you "cheated" by having surgery or that you won't be able to keep the weight off for long... nonsense.
One of the more common comments that jealous friends make is "Well, I'm not ready to take the easy way out. I want to really lose the weight myself." Another common tactic is for her to tell stories about people who've had surgery and gained some or all of the weight back or have had other complications. In either case, these kinds of comments are designed more to minimize her frustration with her weight loss struggle and less to truly attack you.
It may seem to your friend that if you are now a winner, that she must be a loser. Ironically, there's a good chance that you had these same thoughts in the past when other friends lost weight while you struggled. Fortunately, it isn't true. Human beings seem to have this ridiculous tendency to see everything in absolute, black and white terms: good and bad, right and wrong, success or failure, winners and losers. Maybe this makes it easier for us to try and make sense of the world by forcing everything into one of two categories. Unfortunately, 99% of the experiences we have in life are neither black nor white which means that we are wrong quite often and unnecessarily make ourselves miserable much of the time!
What to do: You're winning the war and you want your friend to win as well. This is what I meant about being a "beacon of hope." When an overweight friend makes comments that seem to have the intent of cutting you down, it is more likely that she is voicing frustration with her own weight loss struggle. You can help!
Express your understanding of her struggle and to make it clear that you are willing to help. In addition to attempting to help, you are informing her of how her negative comments are affecting your relationship and that you want them to stop.
Begin by acknowledging the comment and letting her know that you understand how difficult weight loss can be. You can remind her that you have been there too. You also went through the diets, the programs, the late-night television miracles. Offer to tell her your story and how and why you decided to have weight loss surgery. Consider offering to show her the materials you read in helping you make your decision. Let her know that you are willing to answer questions about surgery. This is not to say that you should push anyone to have surgery, but rather to let them know that you completely understand how much of a struggle losing weight can be and how you decided to address the problem for yourself. Here's an example:
"Janet, I know what you're going through. Remember that I did a lot of those diets with you. In fact, we went to some of those meetings together. The small portions, the bags of carrots, I remember it all. But I finally found something that works for me and I've never been happier. I'd really like you to be happy for me too. Our friendship is so important to me and I want to help you however I can, but these comments you're making are hurting me. If you're interested in hearing how I made my decision I'd love to tell you about it. Just let me know when you're ready."
Don't be surprised if your friend declines your offer. Sometimes people don't recognize that they're being hurtful. Your friend may suggest that you're the one with the problem. If you do mention the idea of having surgery, remember that this is an enormous decision that your friend may not be ready to discuss. However, in the long run I'm confident that this type of discussion is appropriate, as hundreds of patients have told me that this exact scenario is how they learned about weight loss surgery and how they decided to move forward with surgery themselves.
If the negative comments persist, you owe it to yourself to let your friend know that their comments are inappropriate and hurtful. By saying it in this way, you are informing them that their comments are affecting you and damaging the friendship. If this person truly is a friend, it should bother them to learn that they are saying things that hurt you and hopefully it will stop.
b. The Spotlight Hog:
This person may not be one to try and help, but rather one to ignore. This person has their own insecurities and needs the constant glow of the light for their fragile ego to survive. With this person, you are not necessarily a threat because of your thinness, but rather because your success takes away from their time in the sun. The spotlight hog is generally a big talker and her favorite topic of conversations is herself. Generally, these folks are more bark than bite. They are an adult version of the playground bully, but they do it with fancy labels and references to who they know, and where they've been rather than with fists and sticks.
What to do: As I said earlier, your best move in the short run may be to say nothing. Give the spotlight hog a chance to learn that you are not stealing her sunlight, but merely borrowing it for awhile. Once she determines that you are not a threat, she will probably stop making comments and turn her attention elsewhere. If the spotlight hog happens also to be overweight, try the strategies we previously discussed about being a "beacon of hope."
If the spotlight hog keeps making negative comments about you and shows no signs of slowing down, you need to speak up. Have no fear, the spotlight hog is usually quite insecure and can be quieted through polite, private confrontation. When they understand that you're not going to sit idly by and continue to take it, they usually stop it. For example:
"Marcie, I've sat here for months listening to your rude comments towards me and I've gently asked you several times to stop. I'm now insisting that they stop. The comments are rude and hurtful, and I can't understand why you, a friend, would say and do these things to me. I want you to really give some thought to how you've been behaving towards me and why you've been acting this way ever since I lost my weight. I want you to know that I would really like to keep you as a friend and work this out. If you want to talk about it more, I'm ready to listen, but I'm not simply going to ignore it any longer."
You may be asking yourself why you would even bother to try and keep this person in your life. Some people have other reasons for not being our champion and maybe this person has their own issues that you can help with. With this person, you may have the opportunity to be a "beacon of hope" even in areas that have nothing to do with weight loss. The story of your weight loss success can be inspiring to many people. Maybe our bully here will be one of them.
Going Forward with the New You
Unfortunately, there may be relationships that cannot be fixed. They may always have broken parts. Things you used to be able to talk about with certain friends are now taboo. You may decide to keep such people around, but their role in your life will be diminished. It's their loss. You may lose some old friends, but will likely feel more confident in pursuing new relationships.
Recall some of the things that you wanted to accomplish by losing weight. The opportunity to pursue new relationships with more confidence was probably among them. Now is the time to bring people into your life who improve your life. It has often been said that we can't pick our family; but we can choose our friends. Choose wisely!
Make a promise to yourself that you will not compromise your self-esteem simply to keep certain people in your life. Do not compromise on becoming the person you wish to become. Do not allow other people's negativity and insecurity to interfere with your positive changes and ongoing personal development. However politely you wish to be, make it clear through your statements and your actions, that the folks who wish to remain in your life essentially have no choice but to accept the new you.
Rest assured that after a time, all of these issues and all of your relationships will sort themselves out. As I said earlier, relationships are always works in progress. Right now you may be going through a period of rapid change. Make ongoing efforts to discuss your relationships with your friends and family. This is how they thrive. By discussing these issues, you will not only be making positive changes in yourself, but in your loved ones as well.
Warren Huberman, Ph.D is a Clinical Pyschologist and Clinical Instructor for the Department of Psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. Dr. Huberman is also associated with the NYU Medical Center's Program for Surgical Weight Loss.
http://www.wlslifestyles.com/printer-friendly.php?id=362
By: Warren Huberman, Ph.D.
Category: Weight Management
I can't believe how much weight you've lost!
You seem so much happier and more confident.
Congratulations... you did it!
You look fantastic!
I knew you could do it. I'm so proud of you!
Hopefully, you are hearing accolades like these from your friends and family. Every day, seeing someone you haven't seen for awhile is now a delight rather than dreadful. With each few pounds lost, your appearance, attitude and other qualities may be changing, prompting continuing comments from others. You're feeling different about yourself. In general the changes are positive, but sometimes bumps in the road emerge...
I've heard that a lot of people regain the weight after a few years.
It's not like you lost the weight... it was the surgery.
You think you're hot stuff now that you're thin.
I liked you better before you lost the weight.
You're so arrogant.
You took the easy way out.
What's Going On?!
I went through this complete physical transformation and now that I feel better about myself, I'm getting persecuted for it! Am I really acting that differently than before? Have I become arrogant? I don't think I've changed, but some people are responding differently so I can't be sure. Why is this happening?!
Your Weight Loss Affects All of your Relationships
The emotional and behavioral changes in you don't occur in isolation. In your marriage, at work, with friends, with acquaintances, you may be astounded at just how much losing weight impacts your relationships. In many ways, you really are a very different person and many of your loved ones know it. Ironically, you may be the last person to recognize just how different you are!
Most of these changes will be perceived positively by others. Even with these folks, it may take them a while to become accustomed to the new you. However, some people may react to these changes in a negative manner as the second set of comments suggests. How people respond to you depends on the role you are playing and the manner in which you conduct yourself.
Marriage and Intimate Relationships
The roles in intimate relationships evolve over time. For example, one person comes to handle the family's finances while the other is more involved in managing the kids' schoolwork. One person is more comfortable in the role of decision-maker while the other is more comfortable following along. When you lose weight and start feeling better about yourself, it is possible that you may want to change some of these roles. You may begin to feel more confident making decisions, but that might be met with resistance from your spouse who has historically been the decision-maker. Your spouse may feel uncomfortable giving up some of his or her responsibilities as you want more of them. These issues need to be addressed if they are to be resolved.
Friends, Co-workers, and Groups
Friendships may change as well. Most good friends will champion your success; however, your weight loss may alter the relationship. For example: If you have a close friend who has traditionally struggled with her weight along with you, she may be jealous of your success. She may feel like you no longer understand what it is to struggle with obesity. She may no longer want to talk to you about losing weight. She may feel more self-conscious and not want to go clothes shopping with you anymore. All little things; but, cumulatively, a big thing if not addressed.
Groups can be even more complicated as we are now dealing with a larger cast of characters and more opportunities for personalities to clash. Group conversations operate quite differently than individual friendships. Unlike individual friendships, the members of a group often do not function as complete equals. Let me explain.
At work, there are generally delineated roles that are demarcated through titles... president, vice president, manager, etc. The titles illustrate rank and power. After your weight loss, your work role may remain the same, but the way you will be treated and addressed by others at work may be quite different. A group of friends can function like a small corporation. The members of your group of friends do not have formal titles, but everyone has a role and an expected set of behaviors. Every group of friends has its leader or "president," co-leaders or "vice-presidents" and the rest of the members are the general "employees." The "president" is the person who typically proposes what restaurant or movie to go to on Friday night, or suggests what gift to buy for a friend's baby shower. At times, she may seem bossy or pushy, but that's her role as president.
The "vice-president" (or two) of your group takes it upon herself to agree with the "president" or feels comfortable challenging the "president" with alternative suggestions. The other group members are "employees" who enjoy being in the group and probably generally go along with what the president and vice-president decide. The "employees" value their membership in the group and are either flexible enough that they don't feel the need to challenge what the majority of the group members want or are unwilling to do so. The group functions smoothly, because everybody knows their role and plays it out.
But what happens when somebody tries to change their role? What happens when an "employee" loses 100 pounds and feels more confident and starts acting a bit like a "vice president?" What happens if people outside the group start to interact differently with a much thinner and self-confident "employee" within the group? Things can get sticky in a hurry.
Hopefully, your friends are cheerleaders and are allowing your role within the group to evolve. This changes the way the group operates. Even if the "president" and "vice-presidents" of your group are acting as your cheerleaders, they may be less eager to change their roles within your group. If they are accustomed to getting much of the attention either for their opinion or their appearance, at the least, it may feel awkward for them to experience this change in the dynamics of the group. At worst, your friends might be jealous of your success and make efforts to steal back the spotlight. You might notice some long sighs or snide comments when people remark how fantastic you look. What do you do?
Common Reactions to your Weight Loss
There are three common types of responses that people will have regarding your weight loss and the changes in your attitude and behavior. Let's look at each:
a. The Cheering Section:
Hopefully, most of your friends and family are part of this group. These folks will have nothing but positive things to say about what you have accomplished. Most of my patients that have lost a great deal of weight tell me that they enjoy the compliments and the increased attention. They are justifiably proud of what they have achieved and most of their loved ones want to let them know that they are as well. Your cheering section will want to hear your whole story, and they may want to tell others about it as well. These folks want to bask in the glow of your transformation and help you enjoy your amazing accomplishment.
b. The Indifferent:
These folks are not cheering so loudly and some may not be cheering at all. That's ok too! Not everyone is a cheerleader and believe it or not, you may enjoy having a few people in your world that don't scream, "Oh, my God!" every time you walk into a room. If you've just had surgery, you may want the pounds to melt off as quickly as possible for all to see, but believe me; in a few months you will appreciate those folks who are more subtle in their acknowledgment of your success. While there may be reasons why some people don't cheer for you quite so loudly, as long as they don't say anything derogatory, it's probably better not to inquire as to their reasons for seeming indifferent to your accomplishment.
Be aware that members of you cheering section will eventually seem indifferent to your accomplishment. This is because the novelty has worn off. A few years after your surgery, the "new you" is just "you." You are no longer "Samantha who lost 85 pounds," you're just "Samantha." This is a good thing. Hopefully, your goals for having weight loss surgery were to feel better, look better and to have the ability to do the things that were so difficult so many pounds ago... not to be applauded by others. Now that others have adjusted to the new you, you are closer to the end of your weight loss journey than to the beginning, and can begin focusing on life after weight loss. Congratulations!
c. The Show Stealer and Saboteur:
These are the people who seem to be uncomfortable with what you have accomplished. They are violating the "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" rule. When people compliment you, the show stealer rolls her eyes and sighs. When others gather around you to hear your story, the saboteur throws in a subtle or not so subtle dig. These folks are uncomfortable with your success and appear eager to sabotage or diminish what you have accomplished. Why would a supposed "friend" do such a thing and what can be done about it?
Dealing with the Show Stealers and the Saboteurs
Before we craft a plan to defeat the show stealers and saboteurs, let's consider why anyone would try to rain on your parade. After surgery, it's likely that many people are asking you questions about your weight loss, how you did it and so on. In fact, many of the people who decide to go forward with weight loss surgery found out about it by speaking to someone who has had surgery themselves. You will find yourself in situations where you draw a crowd. Losing as much weight as you have is no small achievement and people want to hear your story, so it's likely that you have become more talkative. It's likely that you are proud of yourself and you should be... it's quite the achievement. Maybe some people thing you're getting a little full of yourself. Be careful. How you conduct yourself when speak about your success and tell your story is critical. A word of advise... be humble.
We live in an interesting society when it comes to fame, celebrity, and accomplishment. The media likes to idolize celebrities as if they were superhuman. Their little foibles are initially dismissed and excused. Then, just as they reach the peak of their fame, the celebrity shows increasing signs of being human just like the rest of us. At this point the media sharks move in, devouring and attacking the celebrity's every little misstep. Name almost any celebrity that you like and you'll see this phenomenon in action. Martha Stewart, Oprah Winfrey, Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise, Lindsay Lohan and on and on it goes. They all eventually made missteps that were unpopular and the same media who worshipped them is now dragging them to the gallows.
So here you are now 100 pounds lighter, looking and feeling like a celebrity. Everyone seems impressed and wants to hear your story. Again... be humble. This is not a suggestion that you downplay what you have achieved, but rather that you be a "beacon of hope" for others, not just a beam of light on yourself. I'll explain more about this later.
I'm going to make a prediction. My prediction is that the people in your world who have negative things to say about your weight loss success are either those who are struggling to lose weight, or friends who have a constant need to be the center of attention...the queens of gab who always seem to steer the conversation towards themselves. Let's look at how to deal with each, with an initial caveat.
A Caveat...
Sometimes, these problems go away without intervention. As people adapt to the changes in you, they will get used to the changes in your relationships with them. You are a work in progress, and therefore, so will your relationships be. Therefore, one consideration may be to simply allow a little time for people to get used to you. If you hear negative comments once or twice, say little and let it pass. However, if the comments persist or if they escalate, you owe it to yourself to speak up. So, back to our two types of saboteurs...
a. The Friend Struggling with their Weight:
This person is more friend than foe. This was the friend with whom you commiserated about your war with the scale...the one you dieted with and tried to go to the gym with. The difference now is that you're winning the war. Your friend may be feeling alone in her struggle now that you're thinner. She may even feel betrayed. It's understandable. Your friend may feel like a failure and cannot see your success as doing anything other than highlighting her inadequacy.
Your friend has two choices: champion your success or tear you down. To champion your success, she has to put her own struggle aside and allow herself to be happy for you for having found a method that works for you. By making snide comments to tear you down, she's trying to avoid having to deal with her own frustration in losing weight. She's trying to tell herself that she isn't failing to accomplish a goal, but rather that you "cheated" by having surgery or that you won't be able to keep the weight off for long... nonsense.
One of the more common comments that jealous friends make is "Well, I'm not ready to take the easy way out. I want to really lose the weight myself." Another common tactic is for her to tell stories about people who've had surgery and gained some or all of the weight back or have had other complications. In either case, these kinds of comments are designed more to minimize her frustration with her weight loss struggle and less to truly attack you.
It may seem to your friend that if you are now a winner, that she must be a loser. Ironically, there's a good chance that you had these same thoughts in the past when other friends lost weight while you struggled. Fortunately, it isn't true. Human beings seem to have this ridiculous tendency to see everything in absolute, black and white terms: good and bad, right and wrong, success or failure, winners and losers. Maybe this makes it easier for us to try and make sense of the world by forcing everything into one of two categories. Unfortunately, 99% of the experiences we have in life are neither black nor white which means that we are wrong quite often and unnecessarily make ourselves miserable much of the time!
What to do: You're winning the war and you want your friend to win as well. This is what I meant about being a "beacon of hope." When an overweight friend makes comments that seem to have the intent of cutting you down, it is more likely that she is voicing frustration with her own weight loss struggle. You can help!
Express your understanding of her struggle and to make it clear that you are willing to help. In addition to attempting to help, you are informing her of how her negative comments are affecting your relationship and that you want them to stop.
Begin by acknowledging the comment and letting her know that you understand how difficult weight loss can be. You can remind her that you have been there too. You also went through the diets, the programs, the late-night television miracles. Offer to tell her your story and how and why you decided to have weight loss surgery. Consider offering to show her the materials you read in helping you make your decision. Let her know that you are willing to answer questions about surgery. This is not to say that you should push anyone to have surgery, but rather to let them know that you completely understand how much of a struggle losing weight can be and how you decided to address the problem for yourself. Here's an example:
"Janet, I know what you're going through. Remember that I did a lot of those diets with you. In fact, we went to some of those meetings together. The small portions, the bags of carrots, I remember it all. But I finally found something that works for me and I've never been happier. I'd really like you to be happy for me too. Our friendship is so important to me and I want to help you however I can, but these comments you're making are hurting me. If you're interested in hearing how I made my decision I'd love to tell you about it. Just let me know when you're ready."
Don't be surprised if your friend declines your offer. Sometimes people don't recognize that they're being hurtful. Your friend may suggest that you're the one with the problem. If you do mention the idea of having surgery, remember that this is an enormous decision that your friend may not be ready to discuss. However, in the long run I'm confident that this type of discussion is appropriate, as hundreds of patients have told me that this exact scenario is how they learned about weight loss surgery and how they decided to move forward with surgery themselves.
If the negative comments persist, you owe it to yourself to let your friend know that their comments are inappropriate and hurtful. By saying it in this way, you are informing them that their comments are affecting you and damaging the friendship. If this person truly is a friend, it should bother them to learn that they are saying things that hurt you and hopefully it will stop.
b. The Spotlight Hog:
This person may not be one to try and help, but rather one to ignore. This person has their own insecurities and needs the constant glow of the light for their fragile ego to survive. With this person, you are not necessarily a threat because of your thinness, but rather because your success takes away from their time in the sun. The spotlight hog is generally a big talker and her favorite topic of conversations is herself. Generally, these folks are more bark than bite. They are an adult version of the playground bully, but they do it with fancy labels and references to who they know, and where they've been rather than with fists and sticks.
What to do: As I said earlier, your best move in the short run may be to say nothing. Give the spotlight hog a chance to learn that you are not stealing her sunlight, but merely borrowing it for awhile. Once she determines that you are not a threat, she will probably stop making comments and turn her attention elsewhere. If the spotlight hog happens also to be overweight, try the strategies we previously discussed about being a "beacon of hope."
If the spotlight hog keeps making negative comments about you and shows no signs of slowing down, you need to speak up. Have no fear, the spotlight hog is usually quite insecure and can be quieted through polite, private confrontation. When they understand that you're not going to sit idly by and continue to take it, they usually stop it. For example:
"Marcie, I've sat here for months listening to your rude comments towards me and I've gently asked you several times to stop. I'm now insisting that they stop. The comments are rude and hurtful, and I can't understand why you, a friend, would say and do these things to me. I want you to really give some thought to how you've been behaving towards me and why you've been acting this way ever since I lost my weight. I want you to know that I would really like to keep you as a friend and work this out. If you want to talk about it more, I'm ready to listen, but I'm not simply going to ignore it any longer."
You may be asking yourself why you would even bother to try and keep this person in your life. Some people have other reasons for not being our champion and maybe this person has their own issues that you can help with. With this person, you may have the opportunity to be a "beacon of hope" even in areas that have nothing to do with weight loss. The story of your weight loss success can be inspiring to many people. Maybe our bully here will be one of them.
Going Forward with the New You
Unfortunately, there may be relationships that cannot be fixed. They may always have broken parts. Things you used to be able to talk about with certain friends are now taboo. You may decide to keep such people around, but their role in your life will be diminished. It's their loss. You may lose some old friends, but will likely feel more confident in pursuing new relationships.
Recall some of the things that you wanted to accomplish by losing weight. The opportunity to pursue new relationships with more confidence was probably among them. Now is the time to bring people into your life who improve your life. It has often been said that we can't pick our family; but we can choose our friends. Choose wisely!
Make a promise to yourself that you will not compromise your self-esteem simply to keep certain people in your life. Do not compromise on becoming the person you wish to become. Do not allow other people's negativity and insecurity to interfere with your positive changes and ongoing personal development. However politely you wish to be, make it clear through your statements and your actions, that the folks who wish to remain in your life essentially have no choice but to accept the new you.
Rest assured that after a time, all of these issues and all of your relationships will sort themselves out. As I said earlier, relationships are always works in progress. Right now you may be going through a period of rapid change. Make ongoing efforts to discuss your relationships with your friends and family. This is how they thrive. By discussing these issues, you will not only be making positive changes in yourself, but in your loved ones as well.
Warren Huberman, Ph.D is a Clinical Pyschologist and Clinical Instructor for the Department of Psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. Dr. Huberman is also associated with the NYU Medical Center's Program for Surgical Weight Loss.
http://www.wlslifestyles.com/printer-friendly.php?id=362
Take Care, 
Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP
100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY
320(preop)/163(lowest)/185(current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery)
Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"
Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP
100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY
320(preop)/163(lowest)/185(current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery)
Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"
This is a topic that would be great to discuss at a support meeting, however, I am reluctant to share too much of myself anywhere these days as I have been stabbed in the back by support group leaders, followers and right here on this very website. Still, most support meetings want to just discuss how much weight they all lost and when they had their surgery, history lessons...blah blah blah blah blah....BORING!! Needless to say, that is why so many of us drop out of these meetings over time. But the fans are so busy getting longer arms to pat themselves on the back, that they fail to see the error of their ways. I surely hope that you will find new friends that will truely empathise with you and your journey. We all have a self-discovery to embark on and it is all good!! Like the songs says "let's give 'em somethin' to talk about"!! Hey it's US!! :-D I am finding that over time, the newness of my appearance is wearing off, everyone is used to it and it is less and less TALKED about. I choose to keep private and to myself now, talk to very few EVEN the post-ops because they can be just as bad to us. It is something we are all struggling with and special people who become your true "friends".... this too shall pass. You are not alone.
Trish Perhaps starting a support group that deals with more global issues beyond the preop and honeymoon rah rah rah could help!? I have made it a priority to blend groups, and focus on more emotional and life stuff, NON SCALE VICTORIES are so important and wt loss IMHO should be minimized, this is about life changing not wtchanging and although we lose wt as a result of changing our lives it should never IMHO again be the focus of goal. Not to say we can not gain support or encouragement on wt loss, I stopped long ago with the intro/wt loss amount, it discourages longterm postops from coming as wt loss stops and regain happenes...with that said what I did was facilitate my own group, listened to people and saw the need for the more emotional focus truthfully, we still do educational sttufff thiss is needed by new postops but it is not the whole focus!
Take Care,
Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP
100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY
320(preop)/163(lowest)/185(current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery)
Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"
Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP
100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY
320(preop)/163(lowest)/185(current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery)
Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"
I could not agree more!! this is EXACTLY what I've been trying to tell people AND have been severely criticized and chastised for being too "negative" regarding support meetings. You would not believe some of the feedback I get from the very same participants in these groups... it is truely amazing. But history lessons and the same ole same old are EXACTLY what is keeping long term posts from participating in these groups. Thanks for posting this!! I'm hoping some of the people who have been unsupportive and horrible to me will read this and SEE that I'm not the only who shares this constructive criticism. Are you out there Dotti and other LIPO members....read on!! lol
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