Why do "friends" have to be that way?

I don't know if it's the PMS taking over my emotions today that's making this difficult or what but I got a rude awakening at work. I was informed by a really good friend that some of the people who work for me - I considered them friends - are talking about me behind my back & turning into back-stabbing little witches!! I was out sick for a few days & apparently they had some comments about it!! (Mind you I have plenty of time & not one of them does any of the work I do so it doesn't effect them in the very least!! The unit runs itself very nicely!!)

Now, I have felt like a 5th wheel, an outsider, for quite some time & when I talked to them about it they told me not to feel that way! That they didn't think of me as one... blah, blah, blah. It is a small group & I sit so close to them & am almost never included in the conversations, break time, walks or plans for bdays or anything!! I know I am their supervisor & we discussed this well over a yr ago when I came into the unit & I thought everything was going to be cool but I guess I was wrong. I haven't had a chance to talk to them about it yet & I will but being the "forever doormat" I need to figure out the best way for me to handle the conversation without breaking down into tears (I did that this afternoon - this is where I thought the PMS might've come into play!).

All of this couldn't come at a worse time!! I am starting to become confused by the changes I am going through!! I don't know who I am anymore or who I am becoming! My good friends & family tell me I am not becoming a ***** yet so that's good & that they can see a great improvement in my confidence!!! I look in the mirror & don't recognize the person I am morphing into & that scares me!! I see my mother more & more every day & in a way that saddens me since she is no longer here to share this all with!!!

I plan on making an appointment with the psych in the very near future - I need his help before I start sabotaging myself... that's a big fear of mine - but in the meantime I wanted to see how you guys have dealt with the changes!! I'll take whatever words of wisdom you've got!!

Thanks for letting me vent... it feels good & no tears... that's a good sign!!!
Cece

Cece,

I think you are on the right track.  If you are having emotional problems please see someone.  This is a big change in your life.  I went through (and am still) going through some emotional ups and downs.  I think its normal when your life is completely turned around.  I have worked with women all my life...and they are all "cats"...lol.  Don't let outside forces mess with your wonderful progress....keep the faith!

Rosemary

Rosemary,
Thank you so much!! I knew this journey wouldn't be easy & of all of my friends I never expected this one to become what she has!! It truly disappoints me but hey, it's her decision & I am going to try to not dwell on it & let her get me down!! It's her loss!!!

I truly hate working in an office with all women!! Most of my career here was working with men & life was so much easier!!! At least those men are still in my life & extremely supportive & never have a catty thing to say!!! Thank goodness for them!!

I'm trying to make it through the week with my head held high!! I am looking forward to the weekend... I am walking in the Race for the Cure on Saturday in Albany!! This is something I have looked forward to since my mom died of breast cancer!! This is the first year I am able to do it without needing an EMT to follow me around!! (Although, if he's cute...)

I will make it through this & be the better person for it!! Thanks for your support!!
Cece

Hi Cece- I  don't have much in the way of advice for you as I see myself in alot of what emotions you are going thru -I am also changing physically and mentally and it's  scarier than I thought and also more challenging as I know I am the only one who ca solve/resolve my fears/thought processes!
Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you are an awesome lady! You have been here for so many of us (me included) when we needed some advice ourselves that I can only hope things will improve greatly for you.  You have a good mind and will figure this out for yourself.  You also know enough that if you can't you will seek help for it.  Remember, too, that change is good!!
My mother is also gone and I wish she were here to see that I actually went thru with my surgery and your note reminded me of how much I miss her. But they do see us and are they ever smiling down on us with love and pride!  Keep the faith, Cece, you are a wonderful person and it will work out for you!! Take care, Mary

Mary,
Thanks!! Your support means a lot! It does help knowing I am not alone. I will definitely get through this as I know you will too!! We will hold our heads high & not let the bast**ds get us down (as my Aunt used to say!). It will be so much sweeter when we do!!

Keep up the good work - your mom would be so proud of you!!!
Cece

 CeCe
It so heartbreaking when we find out people we think are our friends spend more time talking about us than to us. Working in an office with women is difficult and sadly we all seem to survivie on drama. Dont let them get you. You are an amazing strong women who has taken huge steps to make her self a better person. Talk to someone it will help.
Im sorry i cant say anything magical to make you feel better. I just wanted to tell you i am sorry you are going threw this and i thnk you are GREAT

Your support is magic enough!! Thank you!! It's always nice to know there are people out there who know what I am going through & can help me keep my sanity!! This has been the first big emotional hurdle I have hit - not bad I guess for almost a yr out - so it took me by surprise!! I found the number of the therapist & even though he said I could call him any time day or night, I will call him tomorrow!
Thanks again!!!

Keep up the great work!! You are going to do awesome too!!
Cece

Well Cece...We must have had the same day at work today.  i have a few cats in my office that can be awlful to me from time to time and I have lost a really good friend right B4 I had surgery.  I had a tearful day at work to day too because my superviors doesn't like me anymore.   I am only good for when the S^&T hits the fan and needs someone to clean up the mess.  I feel like I am under the microscope since RYN.  Everyone makes comments nice and not so nice and I am trying my hardest to be the bigger person, BUT it doesn get very hard.  i would usually tell most people where to go anf I always have been that way...I have now changed.  I feel like I do not have the time to care what these people say.  i keep hearing the jealousy thong and I really do not get that.  My looks have changed so much that I think OMG really maybe I have chaned inside and out.  I know I am still the same person that would give ya the shirt off my back.  So I say screw them. That is what i have been doing.  I too work with all women and it is hard BUT I bought myself an IPOD and I love it keep it one most of the time.  I hope you feel better and know that I am in the same boat.  I was thinking to day maybe I need to go talk to someone LOL  Thanks for listening Bridgit

Bridgit,
You can vent any time you want!! We all need someone to talk to once in awhile & sometimes it just helps to type it all out!!

I have had bosses like you have - the worse one had me crying every day for six months!! Back then I dealt with stress by eating (go figure!)!! My desk drawer was constantly filled with everything from swiss rolls to m&m's to wise bbq potato chips... needless to say I gained over 40 lbs in those 6 months!! I finally got out from under her thumb & life was great! Now the ironic thing is I got her job when she retired & she recommended me even though the guy who was doing the hiring knew I was his first choice!! Life is strange!!

Keep smiling & definitely talk to someone if you can!! I truly believe it will help!!
Good luck!!
Cece

CECE: I will post a few articles that I feel pertain to your issues that are in this post...before that a few comments.

Noticing our emotions is a good step in recovery, we no longer need to judge them or find ways to avoid, numb or excuse them. In being self acountable and responsible I find owning and feeling my emotions is the key to health and success. This is very differnt for me than pre WLS. I am a work in orogress. Therapy IMHO is a excellent idea for everyone we all have the ability to do some personal growth work...We are worth the investment in ourselves!

As for work, friends and supervizees are not two things that mesh well. The need to seperate and have boundaries is clear to me while I have recently taken a leadership role. We can not be friends and supervisos w/o expecting issues. Emotional sensitivity now that pounds of flesh are gone and our insulation is gone can really be challenging....We have NO CONTROL over others thoughts, ideas, opinions, statements....We do though have control over our reaction. Sometimes I look at my issues, what is it I need/ Am I still looking for that approval, the perfectionist in me cries out I need to be perfect, everyone has to like me or else..I find this old tape many times cropping up..I can reframe this irrational beleif into, I am perfect the way I am today, accepting myself is all that I truly need, People are free to like me or not, I am not in the business to be everyones friend, I am here to do a job, hen I forget that I get into trouble..,I can be friendly and a good boss but it is a fine balancing act....Consider none of this is about you..their nasty comments have everything to do with their issues, needs and projections...When I started realizing this I was free so to speak. I stopped taking on others anger, shame, issues etc and gave it back to them.When I do this consistently I am better, and I feel others are. I get out of the persecuter, victim, rescuer triangle...

THe enormity of WLS is not fully realized preop, or even postop for years I think.....It is sad when we finally lose wt and realize the world is no different and all our issues did not go away, we find we can no longer blame our stuff on the wt, it is sad and a alarming wakeup! W/O food to cope it is scarey to many, but there are other ways to cope, we can grow, change..we have choices! Thanks for the topic..the folowing is my take on naysayers, meant mainly for preops but helpful postop as well! The other articles are free downloads..many more at this link: http://www.rainmakerthinking.com/wttwback.htm



It is common for friends/family members to respond to "OUR" choice to have surgery in non-supportive ways. There are many reasons, including jealousy, fear, concern etc; because what we do effects those closest to us. They may be uncomfortable, frightened, unable to adjust easily. All we can do is include them in our process so it may be beneficial to us both, educating them but ultimately if they adjust is their choice and beyond our control. We can assist in asking clearly and directly for what we need (it is then their choice to give it or not); ultimately this is our process and all we can do is be self responsible (w/ or w/o their support) for our journey. We can keep the lines of communication open, letting them know our feelings, as well as appreciation when they can offer support. Best case scenario is over time they can see we didn't take the 'easy way out', can assist us in our success and believe in our ability to make the tool work for a lifetime despite its limitations, and deal w/ their own feelings vs projecting them onto us if they are upset, angry, fearful so not to sabotage our efforts. We do not need police or critics, we need supporters/cheerleaders and empathetic listeners who can truly be there for the good/bad/ugly. It is not a competition but many friends/family can see it that way as quite threatening indeed. We ultimately can surround ourselves w/ positive energy and support or negative energy. It is a beautiful journey one that can assist us in loss of wt but growth in self esteem and personal growth to a healthier way of communicating in relationships, it may involve leaving sabotaging and unhealthy relationships so we can fully blossom, no longer being a victim of our cir****tances, many times our self worth can keep us positive and enable us to choose healthier coping and healthier choices in communication and relationships. WLS can give us so much more than our physical health if we work at it! Our significant relationships can thrive and benefit as we get healthier, as we learn to love ourselves from the inside we will have so much more love to give others, vs the old self loathing and hate many had....As we work on the sabotaging relationships and any efforts those around us make to instill us with Fear (of abandonment/punishment), use of obligation or guilt to revert to old habits, make us feel selfish for our own wellness/self care. Learning to id these emotional blackmail techniques and ways to use boundaries, communication, negotiation either from some self help reading on the topics or therapy can be our best tool to deal w/ the changes WLS may bring to our lives/relationships, challenging yes, impossible no...Sometimes distance or leaving a relationship is our only choice but better than regain due to sabotage, NO ONE has any intention at regaining wt after WLS, sadly it happens and all to frequently relationship stressors can be a major trigger to old emotional eating patterns, slowly they can resurface, after all we used them for years, it is not so easy to change (for ourselves or others).

For me I try and listen to what they are really saying before I get defensive, "I hear you are sad because or you seem angry because," Sometimes a simple acknowledgment (not agreement) is all anyone needs/wants. Offer that and agree to disagree, or finally use the "I feel, or I statements taking 'blame/judgment' out of the scenario which can escalate a situation.

Be well! It is a glorious journey one we would love to have assistance on, we can ask but sometimes we do not get, but we can get thru it! Support can come in many forms, online, in person support groups, places u may of never thought!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Depression after Bariatric Surgery: Triggers, Identification, Treatment, and Prevention
May 2008
by Cynthia L. Alexander, PsyD
http://bariatrictimes.com/2008/05/09/depression-after-bariatric-surgery-triggers-identification-treatment-and-prevention/
INTRODUCTION
A recent study in the Archives of Surgery has caught the attention of the bariatric community. It found the suicide rate after bariatric surgery to be at least five times that of the general population.1 This study may be thought of as important preliminary information, but it does not yet adequately explain the relationship between suicide and bariatric surgery. Nevertheless, this new information does highlight a need for bariatric professionals to educate their patients as to the possibility of depression postoperatively.
Psychological Triggers for Depression
"Why would I be depressed when I'm losing weight?"
This is a common response from patients when I discuss the possibility of depression after surgery. Most people approach the surgery with a positive attitude. Thoughts about future weight reduction, health benefits, and improved quality of life are dominant while awaiting surgery. After surgery however, reality does not always live up to the preoperative fantasy, and some patients do experience depression.2 In general, bariatric patients report a higher rate of depression than the non-bariatric population.3 One study found that of preoperative patients with no depression, over one-third of the sample developed depression postoperatively.4
"If I'm losing weight I won't miss the food."
This is a commonly held but unrealistic hope. Food not only nourishes our bodies, but it also serves other purposes. Food is present in almost every one of our societal ceremonies. From weddings to funerals, we eat to celebrate and to mourn. Socialization revolves around food as well. Going out to dinner is a popular activity with friends. Almost every major holiday is enhanced with a traditional menu. Postoperative patients often find themselves feeling as though they are on the outside of things. They realize that life goes on as usual, but they cannot participate in a ritual in the same way. This initial realization and subsequent mild depression may be conceptualized as the normal postoperative blues. It is not uncommon to hear, "What was I thinking when I decided to do this?" Many patients tell me they are "mourning the loss of food as a friend." In my practice, I have observed many patients go through this, but most feel better within 2 to 3 months.
"When I can't eat after surgery, I'll lose weight, and then I just won't go back to my old habits."
This too is an unrealistic hope for many. It is normal for people to use food to deal with emotions. Some people use it to compensate for a bad day, others to celebrate, and still others to calm anxiety or depression. The tendency to eat for these reasons does not appear to change, although there is a period of a year or two when these cravings and urges may diminish. They do, however, almost always return. Eating disturbances before surgery tend to predict eating disturbances postoperatively following a short dormant period.5 In my groups I see a subset of people dealing with the reality that the surgery does not do all the work, and these postoperative patients are struggling once again to control emotional eating. This realization can lead to feelings of depression. Weight regain may occur during this time, further exacerbating the depression.
"I thought everything would get better after weight loss, but it didn't."
Some of our patients come from families that have set them apart for their weight. These are the "identified patients" of the family. There may be the dream that by losing weight, they will finally be accepted, and in some cases this does occur. In others, however, the families do not accept the patient, and may even resort to sabotage. If weight loss was the last hope, depression may follow.
"Everything will be okay if I can just lose the weight."
In general, research does show that depression related to weight tends to decrease.6,7 Depression related to situational stressors, losses, and/or a biological depression will likely not decrease in the longterm. Presurgery depression has been linked with postsurgery psychological distress.8 There is a strong tendency for patients to attribute their depression to weight. It appears to be ego-syntonic to believe that when the weight is decreased, so too will the depression. For a subset of depressed patients, the weight is actually a symptom of depression rather than the other way around. When the timeline is traced backward, it becomes clear that weight increased directly following the onset of a chronic stressor. For these people, weight loss may be disappointing in that they may still be depressed at goal weight. Bariatric surgery is not a cure for depression.
"I gained weight after I got married. We love to go out to dinner together."
I often hear this from married patients. Some habits take years to become ingrained. When the patient may want to avoid restaurants for some time, the spouse may begin to resent it. On the other hand, the spouse may be supportive, but the patient begins to feel that a part of the relationship is missing. Either way, an adjustment period for food as a social outlet or for recreation with a spouse is inevitable.
Removing the emphasis on food, especially after many years, can be difficult. During this adjustment period, patients may become depressed as they struggle to find the proper place for food and healthy alternatives to going out to dinner.
"He's not the same person since the surgery."
Irritability after surgery is common, and I hear from spouses that the first few months may be accompanied by certain temporary personality changes. The tendency to snap at the people closest to us during times of stress may play out with the bariatric patient as they navigate the initial stressful postoperative months. Difficulties in relationships have been reported, including divorces, contributing to feelings of depression. Again, there may be the fantasy of excitement over weight loss overriding all else, but the reality is often very different.
"The hardest part is doing all the tests to get ready for surgery. After surgery should be much easier."
Some people underestimate the amount of stress they will go through during the first few postoperative months. If a person is already under stress, the addition of surgery may be overwhelming. Depression is not uncommon under these cir****tances. If a person meets criteria for clinical depression preoperatively, the added stress of the surgery may exacerbate the depression. Since pills are very difficult to take postoperatively, some patients on antidepressants may be off their medication for a period of time after surgery, and this too may increase symptoms.
"I sure found out who my real friends were after I had surgery."
Friends may be supportive, or may avoid the patient, or may even sabotage. Often it is difficult to find a way to relate to a friend if the favorite pastime was eating out in restaurants together. It may be an eye-opening experience watching friends and family react to the weight loss. Relationships with friends, family, and even spouses have been strained or even ended in the aftermath of bariatric surgery.
"I had complications, and I was in and out of the hospital for weeks."
Few patients think that they will be one of the unlucky few that experience complications. For these patients, it is a daily struggle not to fall into a depressed state. Patients imagine coming home from surgery and beginning their new life, not being readmitted to the hospital.
Recommendations
Mild depression after surgery is not uncommon, especially if there are complications and hospital readmissions. Severe depression is much less common. Suicidal ideation is a serious red-flag that should be immediately addressed. All patients should receive education before surgery as to the possibility of depression, and the higher rates of suicide in this population. They should also be given education on the symptoms of depression, and concrete steps to follow to get help if they notice they are becoming depressed.
Most bariatric programs have many patients, and it is unrealistic to monitor the ongoing mental health of every patient. At Cleveland Clinic, we give patients education about the possibility of depression after bariatric surgery, and they are strongly encouraged to call if there is a problem or question.
How to Identify Depression
A person need not have all of these symptoms to be considered depressed, but having at least five of the following symptoms within a two-week period, including either sadness (1) or anhedonia (2), is indicative of clinical depression:9
1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
2. Anhedonia--markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities most of the day, nearly every day
3. Insomnia or hypersonmia nearly every day (take sleep apnea into consideration)
4. Psychomotor agitation or retardation
5. Fatigue or loss of energy (more than would be expected after surgery)
6. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
7. Diminished ability to concentrate, or indecisiveness
8. Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
9. Significant changes in appetite (take surgery into consideration)
10. Irritability or increased somatic complaints without physical cause.
Treating Depression
1. Individual therapy. The many changes a person experiences after surgery and stressful adaptations may lead to depression. Therapy is the best way for a person to sort through these changes and alleviate depression. There are many psychologists, but identifying one with bariatric background may be a challenge. A referral from a center of excellence is a good place to start. Another alternative is calling the 800 number on the back of the insurance card. This may be helpful, as a professional with bariatric experience can be requested. Weekly therapy for 6 to 12 weeks should be sufficient in most cases.
2. Add an antidepressant. Therapy and an antidepressant together is the best and fastest means of alleviating depression.10 Antidepressants generally take 2 to 3 weeks to produce results.
3. Support groups. Every center of excellence provides support groups for patients. Patients should be encouraged to attend as many as possible.
4. Emergency assistance. If a patient is seriously considering suicide, he or she should call 911 immediately, or go directly to an emergency department. Depression skews the thinking so that suicide appears on the surface to be a solution. Thoughts cannot be trusted when in a depressed state. Patients should be educated to protect themselves by giving the professionals a chance to help.
Tips for Prevention
The following are tips for prevention of depression after surgery:
1. Develop healthy ways to deal with stress. Since the most stressful time is the few months directly following surgery, it is important to develop these strategies prior to surgery. Try a new hobby, develop friendships with other bariatric patients, use positive affirmations, take a yoga class, or listen to music. It is a good idea to purchase a book or CD on stress management.
2. Make the switch from food as the main event to an activity. Making this transition before the surgery may decrease stress postoperatively. Learn to view food as the fuel for your activities. It may be challenging to see friends for putt-putt golf or to attend a play rather than going out to dinner, but the emphasis should now be on the activity. This change is among the most difficult for postoperative patients.
3. Employ and practice healthy and positive self-talk. Keep the health benefits in mind.
4. Exercise often. New research shows that exercise works about as well as an antidepressant if done on a regular basis.11
5. Find a therapist. Even if not depressed, it is always a good idea to have a therapist in place for the first few months postoperatively. This professional will get to know the patient, be able to identify a trend toward depression early, and be the liaison with the physician if the patient wishes to try an antidepressant. If a patient is depressed preoperatively, it is even more important to have a therapist to assist with the first few months.
6. Prepare the family for changes, and ask them to become involved in the decision-making process. Changes will affect everyone in the household. Relationships within the home may be strained during the initial postoperative period. Keep in mind how trying it sometimes is to be a supportive family member, and ask them on a regular basis how they are doing.
7. Difficulty taking medication. If a patient is already on an antidepressant prior to surgery, make him or her aware that taking pills postoperatively will be difficult for some time. The patient should check with the pharmacist about whether the medication may be crushed and mixed with applesauce or yogurt, and should try to get back on the medication as soon as possible after surgery.
8. Prevention based on a history. If there is a history of depression, suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, or inpatient psychiatric hospitalization, the patient should be prepared by having both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Weekly therapy along with medication management may keep depression at bay, or treat it early to prevent serious problems.
9. Timing of surgery. If already severely depressed, surgery should be postponed until depression decreases whenever possible. Some patients with untreated major depression should receive treatment before surgery.12 For others, waiting may not be an option due to significant health risks.
Conclusion
Most patients will not become depressed after surgery, but the possibility is present. Therefore it is strongly recommended that each patient receive education about postoperative depression, including the recent study showing the elevated rate of suicide.1 It is important that patients do not make the illogical assumption that suicide is a side effect of bariatric surgery. At this point, we do know that there is a potential vulnerability that should be addressed, but we do not yet know all of the facts concerning this finding. Preoperative education should be provided for all patients, along with steps to take if they do become depressed. With adequate education and support, hopefully postoperative depression may be reduced.
References
1. Omalu BI, Ives DG, Buhari AM, et al. Death rates and causes of death after bariatric surgery for Pennsylvania residents. 1995-2004. Arch Surg. 2007;142(10):923-928.
2. Kodama K, Noda S et al. Depressive disorders as psychiatric complications after obesity surgery. Psychiatry Clin Neurosci. 1998;52(5):471-476.
3. Kalarchian MA, Marcus MD. Bariatric surgery and psychopathology. In: Mitchell JE, de Zwaan (eds). Bariatric Surgery. A Guide for Mental Health Professionals. New York, NY: Routledge Publishing;2005:59-76.
4. Ryden O, Olsson SA, Danielsson A, et al. Weight loss after gastroplasty: psychological sequelae in relation to clinical and metabolic observations. J Am Coll Nutr. 1989;8:15-23.
5. de Zwaan M. Weight and eating changes after bariatric surgery. In: Mitchell JE, de Zwaan M. Bariatric Surgery. A Guide for Mental Health Professionals. New York, NY: Routledge Publishing; 2005:77-99.
6. Masheb, RM, White MA, Toth CM, et al. The prognostic significance of depressive symptoms for predicting quality of life 12 months after gastric bypass. Comp Psych. 2007:48(3):231-236.
7. Maddi SR, Fox SR, Dhoshaba DM, et al. Reduction in psychopathology following bariatric surgery for morbid obesity. Obes Surg. 2001:11(6):680-685.
8. Boyer GR. Psychosocial predictors of outcome in bypass surgery [dissertation]. Arizona: Arizona State University; 2006.
9. American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press, Inc., 2000.
10. Mann JJ. The medical management of depression. N Engl J Med. 2005:353(17):1819-1834.
11. Blumenthal JA, Babyak MA, et al. Exercise and pharmacotherapy in the treatment of major depressive disorder. Psychosom Med. 2007:69:587-596.
12. Wadden TA, Sarwer DB, Womble LG, et al. Psychosocial aspects of obesity and obesity surgery. Obes Surg. 2001;81(5):1001-1024.
Address for correspondence:
Cynthia L. Alexander, PsyD, 2950 Cleveland Clinic Blvd., Weston, FL 33331; Phone: 954-659-5267; Fax: 954-659-5256;
E-mail: [email protected].
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bruce Tulgan's Free Newsletter (TEXT VERSION)
August 4, 2008 issue - 160th edition
"Managing Peers and Friends"
A lot of time managers find themselves in a supervisory role where they are managing people who were their peers recently before they got promoted or maybe they are managing friends. And I think a lot of managers aren't sure how to deal with that situation. They feel like everybody is looking at them, trying to figure out what kind of manager are you going to be? Maybe people are looking at them and thinking, how come you're the boss and not me?

And I always tell new managers, you really have two choices in that case: either you operate in such a way that all your friends are wondering, how come they made her the boss and not me? Or you operate in such a way that nobody ever wonders, because it is so obvious why they made you the boss instead of me; because you are really, really good at it.

And sometimes when you try to lay down the law, one of your friends might turn around and say to you, "Hey, I thought we were friends!" Here's what I want you to say. I want you to say, "You know what? We are friends. And since we're such good friends, I was hoping that you would come in next week and work really, really hard all week to make me look good. But I'm not going to be able to pay you, OK? Since we're friends I thought you'd be willing to come in and do that for me." What is your friend going to say? "Hey listen, sorry, no hard feelings but this is a job." And you say, "Ding! And I'm the boss."
http://www.rainmakerthinking.com/newsletter_text/2008/aug4.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bruce Tulgan's Free Newsletter (TEXT VERSION)
March 25, 2008 issue
"Talk About the Work"
A lot of managers tell me that the hardest thing about managing is that they don't know how to talk to their employees in a way that works; in a way that is authoritative but doesn't make them feel like a jerk. And so what a lot of managers do is they make the mistake of trying to build rapport with their employees by talking about personal stuff. They spend all their time rapport-building around personal matters. For example, "Hey, how was your weekend? I understand you got a bike. I was thinking about getting a bike." Blah! Blah! Blah! If you want to talk about that stuff, go out for a beer after work!

Managers who spend all of their time building rapport by talking about personal stuff will have things go wrong with the work and then they need to deal with that. And they turn from being Mr. False Nice Guy Friend into being Mr. Jerk Boss. They come in and chew the person out, maybe. All of a sudden they are Mr. Jerk Boss. And then when the problem goes away they go back to being Mr. False Nice Guy Friend again. And so Mr. False Nice Guy Friend starts to seem like a fake and Mr. Jerk Boss seems like a jerk and loses credibility.

What a lot of managers struggle with is coming up with a way of talking that is somewhere in the middle that works. We call that talking like a performance coach. I look at the best managers in the workplace today and they talk like performance coaches. They're authoritative, but sensitive. They're pushy, but they have a way of talking. You see there is so much talk in the workplace, but there is not enough talk about the work. And what it really means to be a performance coach is you are the one who is focused on performance. If you are the manager and you want to manage like a coach, you have to be the one who is focused on the work. You are the one who talks about the work. You are into it. And every person expects that you are going to talk to them about their work on a regular basis, in vivid detail.

Here is how a coach talks. A performance coach focuses on individual performance. A performance coach describes in detail what a person's performance really looks like so that person can have a vivid evaluation of what they are actually doing. And the most important thing is a performance coach spells out concrete next steps in vivid detail. "Here is exactly what I want you to do next." And if you become the person who is always talking about the work, about each individual's work to each person, in a way that works for that person, giving them a real candid evaluation of what they are doing, and pointing them to concrete next steps -- that's how to talk like a performance coach and that is a way of talking that works. And it is neither Mr. False Nice Guy Friend nor Mr. Jerk Boss - it's somewhere in the middle. It's where you should be.

http://www.rainmakerthinking.com/newsletter_text/2008/mar25.htm