Does every marraige end in divorce after WLS?
Are there any books about this? sorry people I am in panic mode today, Monday is my big day and I am happy one minute, panicking the next and crying after that. is this normal???????
If you have a lousy relationship before WLS, chances are you'll still have a lousy relationship after WLS. I think a lot depends on what a marriage is like before the surgery, and how willing and open each person is to the changes that will come. My marriage was great before my surgery and it's still great today. :)
Good Luck with your surgery!
Flo
Good Luck with your surgery!
Flo
Before I had surgery my husband and I had a talk, he mention the high divorce rate among people that have wls, I told him, "you have loved me from my highest weight to my upcoming lowest and permanent weight. And we have been married 22 years, I have you trained the way I want you, and I'm not about to go out and find another man to train!" if your marriage is strong now, it will only get stronger.
LeeAnn HW 284/ SW 270/ CW 170/ GW 165
Now weight loss can change the dynamics in a relationship but does this necessarilymean it leads to divorce??? It is known that obesity often makes people self-conscious and lowers their self-esteem. As that changes with weight loss (surgery or otherwise), the social dynamics around the obese person also change.
Of course as a morbidly obese individual takes off their excess weight after Weight Loss Surgery their self-image and their interpersonal relationships will also change. But this is true of most ANY area in which an persn experiences growth and/or change.
If your relationship is on shaky ground before your Weight Loss Surgery, or if you've "settled" for a less than fully functional relationship with an inappropriate partner because you don't feel you can do any better given your weight and appearance, then of course your personal transformation from a fat person to a thin person will create additional stressors in your relationship. But is the fault with the surgery, or with the pre-existing relationship?
My surgery has certainly created additional challenges for my relationship/self/husband..at 6 yrs we are still together and well although it has not been easy it certainly has led to personal growth and a closer relationship for us despite the bumps in the road.....Certainly we've had to make (MANY) changes and adjustments in our life (I am more confident and active!) and relationship because of my WLS and weight loss, and certainly we have had to and need to keep communicating, openly and honestly, about feelings and issues that arise. This is not different than preop....I do nothave food to numb my emotions as I once did.. so I find dealing with them honestly speaking my own truth has helped as hard as it can be and different for hubby to see.
Some people sign up for the surgery expecting it to be a quick fix and easy solution to their life problems - (the false belief that everything wrong is tied to their wt and are sadly mistaken when they find out different) including their difficult relationships - are often the very same folks who are upset after their surgery because *I have heard this said* their Prince(ss) Charming is still acting like a frog. LOL
We see and read all the time about insecure partners or jealous "friends" and how they try to sabotage their efforts, or simply can't accept or deal with the WLSer's successes. It is vital to take inventory of your friendships and intimate relationships between making the WLS decision, and to determine whether the interpersonal risks of change argue against your use of the surgery.
http://www.asbs.org/html/rationale/rationale.html
"Marital satisfaction increases, but only if a measure of satisfaction existed before surgery. If marital discord exists preoperatively, the improved self image may lead to divorce postoperatively. [69]"
More info on WLS/Divorce
http://www.wlscenter.com/ResearchArticles/Weight_Loss_Divorce.htm
local paper article about WLS/divorce mentioned...
http://www.saratogian.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=10199001&BRD=1169&PAG=461&dept_id=17708&rfi=6
In 3/2006 I looked at my back issues of OH Magazine and WLS LIfestyles magazine for articles with relationships in them *There have been more since that tine) WLS lifestyles subscription has online component for back issues as well I think!* , here was that ouotcome, both publications are good perhaps helpful for both of you! Also Beyond change is a great subscription! May issue had all about regain worth the $4 to purchase alone and or get the 1 yr monthly subscrition for $25 at: Beyond Change newspaper is awesome! http://www.beyondchange-obesity.com/
ObesityHelp Magazine $25/year 6 issues/yr publication http://www.obesityhelpmagazine.com
WLS lifestyles $24.95/year a quarterly magazine http://www.wlslifestyles.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Winter 2005 WLS lifestyles 10 relationship savers
OH 2005 issue 2 How the family matters for wt loss
OH July 2003 WLS from a spouses perspective
OH OCTober 2003 its his life too including spouse in wls journey
Spring 2005 WLS lifestyles Lets talk about sex, also the dating game
OH issue 4 friends for a reason, season or lifetime?
OH 2004 issue 5 supporting a loved one thru wls
WLS lifestyles summer 2003 are we leaving out the spouse?
WLS Lifestyles Fall 2003 how to deal w/ unsupportive family members
Wls lifestyles summer 2004 saving a friendship on the rocks
Wls lifestyles winter 2004 dating after wls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 2 yrs since I am sure there are many more....
Sites for books etc. also:
http://www.obesityhelpstore.com/
http://www.bariatrictimes.com/ free articles online and old issues!
http://www.livingafterwls.com/Library.html
This link has tons of good articles
http://www.bariatriceating.com/bafhe.html
http://www.bariatricoperation.com/articles.htm
http://www.asbs.org/ look at links to right!
Some sites to sign up for free newsletters via email:
http://www.livingafterwls.com/Newsletters.html
http://www.bariatricsupportcenter.com
http://www.drsimpson.com/
http://bariatrictimes.com/subscribe/
http://www.believenewsletter.com/
http://www.wlscenter.com/
https://www..barimd.com/newsletter.php?practiceId=7
http://www.aboutmso.com/ep/sg-patientcorner.cfm
http://www.nawls.com/public/department65.cfm
~~~~~~~NOW here is my saved info on finding inner peace pre WLS.....
Hello!
To assist in finding inner peace with your decision to have WLS consider YOUR CHOICE reflects the responsible, powerful masterful spirit that you are and you're ready to start creating miracles in your life. Taking some time to meditate, journal, pray, use positive affirmations http://www.dailyinspiringquotes.com or http://www.nawls.com/public/department27.cfm or here http://www.unityonline.org/pray_prayersaffirmations.htm etc on your decision. Writing all the reasons why this is your choice, what your expectations and goals are (*consider those beyond wt loss itself), what you are fearful of.
Those that have goals that are health focused and functionally focused do the best (vs. those that are scale or weight/number focused). I am such a firm believer in not allowing the scale (or hunkametal that it is) to rule or dictate ones life/thoughts/feelings any longer, I agree we want to lose wt but gaining our health and ability to function in life are far more important than any number the scale can read; otherwise if it never reads the number we think, others say, a chart suggests we fail and that is simply not true!!!
As I have said before in other forums: Most of our lives we have set RIGID, UNREALISTIC WEIGHT LOSS GOALS for ourselves that are BOTH UNATTAINABLE and CHRONICALLY DISAPPOINTING and lead to DEVASTATION & the slippery slope of self-sabotage...Review the UNDERLYING lifestyle change such as exercise, food choices, self-awareness/monitoring, avoidance of emotional eating, adherence to living self responsibly in a CONSISTENT way that is the foundation to our long-term success. For me I keep telling myself daily that***THE GOAL SHOULD NEVER BE A NUMBER***
Consider that happiness and success will NEVER EVER come from an external source (person, object, number on the scale). It can and will ONLY come from internal self-discovery and love. Listening to my BODY/Mind/Spirit/Heart now and though your journey can be most helpful. Many times we are so busy or do not find the 'me' time needed to really connect internally w/ ourselves. Anxiety is just fear in disguise, ask yourself what are you fearful of? The changes you will go through physically/emotionally/relationship wise, pain, dying, complications, loss of food, fear of failure? Write about them, get them out of your head, feel them....
The goals you write today and reasons may help now as well as down the road when a complication or stressor or plateau happens, it can re-center you within your self, helping you refocus on the big picture and choice you made, well aware of a few bumps in the road. Deciding to have surgery, being as well informed and educated as possible, having supports (in person groups, online, friends and family) to talk to, to normalize and validate ourselves and journey is a key as well.
ONLY you know if this is the right thing at the right time for you, anxiety/fear is common and normal, consider embracing the feelings, they are only that feelings they have a beginning/middle/end and serve us well if we listen vs avoid/repress/stuff them. See this opportunity as one where you can grow. I was motivated but scared as well of dying..a hard decision but one I do not regret making....
I recommend you consider trying to fill your mind with as much optimism and positive thinking as possible! Basically, become more conscious of what you are thinking and feeling, and start preparing yourself to think of food and your life in a different way. This is a courageous step for you to take, and it's not just about weight changing -- it's about
life changing. This is why so many of us are challenged by the enormity of the decision.
http://www.livingafterwls.com/Library.html this site has many good articles for preop/postop! Check it out periodically many good topics!!!
Maybe use positive thinking such as:
"I AM COMMITTED TO FACE AND RESOLVE THE PROBLEMS OF LIVING" (i.e. no longer be morbidly obese)
"MY SUCCESS DEPENDS UPON MY CHOICES AND MY BEHAVIOR IN THE PRESENT" (i.e. having the surgery, committing to a healthy lifestyle)
"ALTHOUGH I MAY NOT HAVE TOTAL CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE, I CAN ALWAYS CONTROL MYSELF AND HOW I RESPOND TO WHAT HAPPENS" (i.e. complications but how I manage them if they happen is up to me).
THIS EMPOWERS YOU NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRINGS!!!
YES THIS IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT! It takes extraordinary courage to make the decision and live w/ the choices we make to consciously limit food choices for the rest of our lives (and potentially limit social opportunities built around meals) among all the other potential complications it can bring short or long-term....
There will be plenty of opportunities to grow/change in life as it can be one stressor/problem after another but deciding to keep on keeping on will always help! Hugs!
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! You are a warrior and worthy of this opportunity to change your life...Be well.
Of course as a morbidly obese individual takes off their excess weight after Weight Loss Surgery their self-image and their interpersonal relationships will also change. But this is true of most ANY area in which an persn experiences growth and/or change.
If your relationship is on shaky ground before your Weight Loss Surgery, or if you've "settled" for a less than fully functional relationship with an inappropriate partner because you don't feel you can do any better given your weight and appearance, then of course your personal transformation from a fat person to a thin person will create additional stressors in your relationship. But is the fault with the surgery, or with the pre-existing relationship?
My surgery has certainly created additional challenges for my relationship/self/husband..at 6 yrs we are still together and well although it has not been easy it certainly has led to personal growth and a closer relationship for us despite the bumps in the road.....Certainly we've had to make (MANY) changes and adjustments in our life (I am more confident and active!) and relationship because of my WLS and weight loss, and certainly we have had to and need to keep communicating, openly and honestly, about feelings and issues that arise. This is not different than preop....I do nothave food to numb my emotions as I once did.. so I find dealing with them honestly speaking my own truth has helped as hard as it can be and different for hubby to see.
Some people sign up for the surgery expecting it to be a quick fix and easy solution to their life problems - (the false belief that everything wrong is tied to their wt and are sadly mistaken when they find out different) including their difficult relationships - are often the very same folks who are upset after their surgery because *I have heard this said* their Prince(ss) Charming is still acting like a frog. LOL
We see and read all the time about insecure partners or jealous "friends" and how they try to sabotage their efforts, or simply can't accept or deal with the WLSer's successes. It is vital to take inventory of your friendships and intimate relationships between making the WLS decision, and to determine whether the interpersonal risks of change argue against your use of the surgery.
http://www.asbs.org/html/rationale/rationale.html
"Marital satisfaction increases, but only if a measure of satisfaction existed before surgery. If marital discord exists preoperatively, the improved self image may lead to divorce postoperatively. [69]"
More info on WLS/Divorce
http://www.wlscenter.com/ResearchArticles/Weight_Loss_Divorce.htm
local paper article about WLS/divorce mentioned...
http://www.saratogian.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=10199001&BRD=1169&PAG=461&dept_id=17708&rfi=6
In 3/2006 I looked at my back issues of OH Magazine and WLS LIfestyles magazine for articles with relationships in them *There have been more since that tine) WLS lifestyles subscription has online component for back issues as well I think!* , here was that ouotcome, both publications are good perhaps helpful for both of you! Also Beyond change is a great subscription! May issue had all about regain worth the $4 to purchase alone and or get the 1 yr monthly subscrition for $25 at: Beyond Change newspaper is awesome! http://www.beyondchange-obesity.com/
ObesityHelp Magazine $25/year 6 issues/yr publication http://www.obesityhelpmagazine.com
WLS lifestyles $24.95/year a quarterly magazine http://www.wlslifestyles.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Winter 2005 WLS lifestyles 10 relationship savers
OH 2005 issue 2 How the family matters for wt loss
OH July 2003 WLS from a spouses perspective
OH OCTober 2003 its his life too including spouse in wls journey
Spring 2005 WLS lifestyles Lets talk about sex, also the dating game
OH issue 4 friends for a reason, season or lifetime?
OH 2004 issue 5 supporting a loved one thru wls
WLS lifestyles summer 2003 are we leaving out the spouse?
WLS Lifestyles Fall 2003 how to deal w/ unsupportive family members
Wls lifestyles summer 2004 saving a friendship on the rocks
Wls lifestyles winter 2004 dating after wls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 2 yrs since I am sure there are many more....
Sites for books etc. also:
http://www.obesityhelpstore.com/
http://www.bariatrictimes.com/ free articles online and old issues!
http://www.livingafterwls.com/Library.html
This link has tons of good articles
http://www.bariatriceating.com/bafhe.html
http://www.bariatricoperation.com/articles.htm
http://www.asbs.org/ look at links to right!
Some sites to sign up for free newsletters via email:
http://www.livingafterwls.com/Newsletters.html
http://www.bariatricsupportcenter.com
http://www.drsimpson.com/
http://bariatrictimes.com/subscribe/
http://www.believenewsletter.com/
http://www.wlscenter.com/
https://www..barimd.com/newsletter.php?practiceId=7
http://www.aboutmso.com/ep/sg-patientcorner.cfm
http://www.nawls.com/public/department65.cfm
~~~~~~~NOW here is my saved info on finding inner peace pre WLS.....
Hello!
To assist in finding inner peace with your decision to have WLS consider YOUR CHOICE reflects the responsible, powerful masterful spirit that you are and you're ready to start creating miracles in your life. Taking some time to meditate, journal, pray, use positive affirmations http://www.dailyinspiringquotes.com or http://www.nawls.com/public/department27.cfm or here http://www.unityonline.org/pray_prayersaffirmations.htm etc on your decision. Writing all the reasons why this is your choice, what your expectations and goals are (*consider those beyond wt loss itself), what you are fearful of.
Those that have goals that are health focused and functionally focused do the best (vs. those that are scale or weight/number focused). I am such a firm believer in not allowing the scale (or hunkametal that it is) to rule or dictate ones life/thoughts/feelings any longer, I agree we want to lose wt but gaining our health and ability to function in life are far more important than any number the scale can read; otherwise if it never reads the number we think, others say, a chart suggests we fail and that is simply not true!!!
As I have said before in other forums: Most of our lives we have set RIGID, UNREALISTIC WEIGHT LOSS GOALS for ourselves that are BOTH UNATTAINABLE and CHRONICALLY DISAPPOINTING and lead to DEVASTATION & the slippery slope of self-sabotage...Review the UNDERLYING lifestyle change such as exercise, food choices, self-awareness/monitoring, avoidance of emotional eating, adherence to living self responsibly in a CONSISTENT way that is the foundation to our long-term success. For me I keep telling myself daily that***THE GOAL SHOULD NEVER BE A NUMBER***
Consider that happiness and success will NEVER EVER come from an external source (person, object, number on the scale). It can and will ONLY come from internal self-discovery and love. Listening to my BODY/Mind/Spirit/Heart now and though your journey can be most helpful. Many times we are so busy or do not find the 'me' time needed to really connect internally w/ ourselves. Anxiety is just fear in disguise, ask yourself what are you fearful of? The changes you will go through physically/emotionally/relationship wise, pain, dying, complications, loss of food, fear of failure? Write about them, get them out of your head, feel them....
The goals you write today and reasons may help now as well as down the road when a complication or stressor or plateau happens, it can re-center you within your self, helping you refocus on the big picture and choice you made, well aware of a few bumps in the road. Deciding to have surgery, being as well informed and educated as possible, having supports (in person groups, online, friends and family) to talk to, to normalize and validate ourselves and journey is a key as well.
ONLY you know if this is the right thing at the right time for you, anxiety/fear is common and normal, consider embracing the feelings, they are only that feelings they have a beginning/middle/end and serve us well if we listen vs avoid/repress/stuff them. See this opportunity as one where you can grow. I was motivated but scared as well of dying..a hard decision but one I do not regret making....
I recommend you consider trying to fill your mind with as much optimism and positive thinking as possible! Basically, become more conscious of what you are thinking and feeling, and start preparing yourself to think of food and your life in a different way. This is a courageous step for you to take, and it's not just about weight changing -- it's about
life changing. This is why so many of us are challenged by the enormity of the decision.
http://www.livingafterwls.com/Library.html this site has many good articles for preop/postop! Check it out periodically many good topics!!!
Maybe use positive thinking such as:
"I AM COMMITTED TO FACE AND RESOLVE THE PROBLEMS OF LIVING" (i.e. no longer be morbidly obese)
"MY SUCCESS DEPENDS UPON MY CHOICES AND MY BEHAVIOR IN THE PRESENT" (i.e. having the surgery, committing to a healthy lifestyle)
"ALTHOUGH I MAY NOT HAVE TOTAL CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE, I CAN ALWAYS CONTROL MYSELF AND HOW I RESPOND TO WHAT HAPPENS" (i.e. complications but how I manage them if they happen is up to me).
THIS EMPOWERS YOU NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRINGS!!!
YES THIS IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT! It takes extraordinary courage to make the decision and live w/ the choices we make to consciously limit food choices for the rest of our lives (and potentially limit social opportunities built around meals) among all the other potential complications it can bring short or long-term....
There will be plenty of opportunities to grow/change in life as it can be one stressor/problem after another but deciding to keep on keeping on will always help! Hugs!
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! You are a warrior and worthy of this opportunity to change your life...Be well.
Take Care, 
Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP
100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY
320(preop)/163(lowest)/185(current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery)
Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"
Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP
100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY
320(preop)/163(lowest)/185(current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery)
Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"
My hubby & I have been together for 15 years. We both had WLS in 2006 (me in september and him in November). We've had our shares of ups and downs but those ups and downs were there prior to surgery. I've moved out - he's moved out. We have FINALLY come to realize that we love eachother and we both want to be together til death do us part.
Good luck and prayers are with you as you begin your journey.
Good luck and prayers are with you as you begin your journey.
ok come on think this through a bit. It's ok to panic it's just that taking a deep breathe would be ok too. Of course not every marriage ends, the good ones get better the bad ones just don't You realize what you are willing to accept and won't you just can't and soemtimes that goes against what you've done in the past. Best of luck to you, ANDI
Dream it Live it
When Pigs Fly
When Pigs Fly
so normal!! good luck with your surgery.
Not every marrage ends after wls. mine is stronger than ever. like the earlier poster said if you have a bad relationship before wls you will have one after and it may become an excuse for your marage to break up. Marage takes work, communication and for me lots of hugs as often as possible!!
Best of luck in your journey!!
Hugs
Sky
Not every marrage ends after wls. mine is stronger than ever. like the earlier poster said if you have a bad relationship before wls you will have one after and it may become an excuse for your marage to break up. Marage takes work, communication and for me lots of hugs as often as possible!!
Best of luck in your journey!!
Hugs
Sky
Best of luck on your surgery today! You probably won't get this reply for a while but I thought I'd add my 2 cents in. Before I talk about husbands, I want to talk about friends. I have two very close friends that I met when one of the friends put up a flyer looking for other people who wanted to lose weight. Our friendship originally was formed on weight loss and I worried that as I changed my weight that it would be a stress on our friendship (I'd read about it somewhere). The important thing is communication. One of the friends and I talked about it before my surgery and while we've had our moments, our willingness to communicate our feelings has helped us get through the tough times.
I relate this scenario to my relationship with my husband. My husband has always been outgoing and one of the gifts I've been able to give him since my surgery is to be more outgoing. We now spend more time together because of my weight loss. We also used to do a lot of physical activities including hiking and camping that I had stopped doing because my back hurt, my asthma couldn't handle the hike, or I just didn't feel like it. Surgery has opened a lot of doors in our relationship. Involve your husband in your excitement as you lose weight and make plans to do things together that you both love but that you might have held back from doing before. This is an exciting time in our marriage and I hope it will be in your marriage as well!
~Carol
I relate this scenario to my relationship with my husband. My husband has always been outgoing and one of the gifts I've been able to give him since my surgery is to be more outgoing. We now spend more time together because of my weight loss. We also used to do a lot of physical activities including hiking and camping that I had stopped doing because my back hurt, my asthma couldn't handle the hike, or I just didn't feel like it. Surgery has opened a lot of doors in our relationship. Involve your husband in your excitement as you lose weight and make plans to do things together that you both love but that you might have held back from doing before. This is an exciting time in our marriage and I hope it will be in your marriage as well!
~Carol
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