Feeling of Failure...kinda

The man in my "impulse thread" was going through counseling with me for the past 8 months. I was counseling about marriage, relationships, shame, guilt, spiritual growth, emotional support, etc. When I got the phone call this morning from his wife that he had taken his own life, I have a sense of anger at him....but also, a feeling of failure that I did not give good advice. That I did not help as i should. that my words were not wise and thought out. I know differently, but I cannot shake the feeling that i am a failure in the ministry as a pastor. Pray for me. I know it is not my fault, but did I miss something? Did I mess up? why do I feel like I failed? Another wall....I am an insane perfectionist who sets unrealistic goals...

Tim:
I can appreciate what a challenging thing this can be. In our work it is a reality that this can and does happen despite anything we do or say sadly. It seems to be an opportunity to reinforce out inability to control others, we can do things to influence them correct but ultimately others are in control of their choices. This knowledge does not take the sting emotionally out ofit though... Nothing I can say will change anything, I think you sound as if you are where you need to be, WITH YOUR EMOTIONS, not avoiding them. The only way out is through. I will keep you and that family in my thoughts and prayers. It is devestating to family, friends, and communities.

Our guilt/anger, failure feelings tend to be a vehicle to keep us attached, without these emotions many times there is a disconnect. In working through them we can find other ways to be attached that are more functional and productive in the long run but as with grief it is a process we can not fast forward....Being able to see the emotions for what they serve, how adaptive they are then looking to other ways can be helpful IMHO. This is seen all the time with survivor guilt the fear is if I forget I am bad, but letting go of the guilt doesn't mean forgetting or being bad, its a process..time, love and compassion to you....

One way I find to keep that attachemnt and not the guilt is participate in a fundraiser walk in Saratoga for suicide prevention awareness called "out of the darkness" http://www.outofthedarkness.org/

This year in Saratoga it will be: http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseactiononorDrive.eventDetails&eventID=531&destination=E
Event Details Where: Saratoga Flat Track
Saratoga Springs, New York
Starts: 9/21/08 @ 10:00 am Ends: 12:30 pm Check-in Time: 9:00AM to 10:00AM Registration Cutoff Date: 9/20/08 Donation Cutoff Date: 12/31/08 Name: Lisa Riley Phone: 518-885-0556 E-mail: [email protected]

Tim, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine how hard that must be. And I can relate to your feelings and understand where you are coming from. But at the same time, it is not your fault. You can speak whatever words of wisdom and some people are just shutdown to being receptive. They have already made up their minds and no amount of positive energy, etc. can change that. I am sure that you offered great advice but unfortunately there will always be someone that it won't work with. As a man of God, you know that God has a reason for all that happens. While this may be unfortunate, it will teach someone something... maybe you are the one. Maybe it will be someone else. Please do not feel that you have failed, just take this and grow from it. God bless.

Tim, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine how hard that must be. And I can relate to your feelings and understand where you are coming from. But at the same time, it is not your fault. You can speak whatever words of wisdom and some people are just shutdown to being receptive. They have already made up their minds and no amount of positive energy, etc. can change that. I am sure that you offered great advice but unfortunately there will always be someone that it won't work with. As a man of God, you know that God has a reason for all that happens. While this may be unfortunate, it will teach someone something... maybe you are the one. Maybe it will be someone else. Please do not feel that you have failed, just take this and grow from it. God bless.

Tim.. He was privlidged to have known you and to have had his heart touched by your compassion and support. Unfortunately, mental illness is bigger than all of us. I'm sure he felt his issues were bigger than the world. Take strength in knowing you were there for him when he needed you and there was nothing you could have done to change the events.. Be strong and know that we are all here for you now..

Hugs,
Lisa

I found out today, a little while ago, that he wrote suicide letter to me. I realllly don't know how to take it at the moment. Did you ever imagine that counselors need counseling? I am fine by it. I understand why he did it. I really do. I don't agree with him on it...but there isn't much I can do about that......

Counselors are human too...

We.....ARE?? *gasp*

Did you ever imagine that counselors need counseling?

GOOD COUNSELORS have done their own work, and continue to seek assistance periodically on their stuff..it keeps them healthy, reduces projecting their stuff onto clients (fixing others with motivation to fix themselves)and makes them a more effective therapeutic tool. Everyone wins then...Therapists are human too and can choose to live by the principles they hold for others (self care etc) or not..who would you want to go to? my 2 cents is I want a healthy therapist! There is NO SHAME in seeking help and support ever...

God gives us a choice.  He took the road that not many of us take.  It may not have been the ideal road for any of us but in his mind it was the only option.  When you are depressed, you can't see past the moment you are in.  You can only talk, guide, and love someone.  However, you cannot take their hand and live their life.  He probably couldn't see past his last day and took the only road that he thought was for him. You are trained, you were there for him, and you gave him advice.  It was up to him to use the advice to make himself better and LOOK past the hurt or problems.  Unfortunately his problems were much bigger than your words.  But you know those single set of footprints in the sand were God's that were carrying him through his deepest hours.  Human nature always makes us look back at things - what could we have done better, what could we have said differently?  You gave your all, your best.  His choice and his hurt overpowered your words and God's hands.  There is only so much anyone can do.  Just keep in mind that you were there for him.  AND you did try to help.  Some people don't even want to get involved let alone have this as their calling!