Choices, Regrets, and Trade-offs

This was another article worth a repost even though we are through Dec/Jan!

eNewsletter December 16, 2005
www.bariatricsupportcenter.com
Choices, Regrets, and Trade-offs
By Ken Miller, President, Bariatric Support Centers International

About a year ago, I posted a small sign on the bulletin board here in the BSCI office. I made this particular sign about ten years ago when I still had six children living at home.

One of my sons, who was about 16 at the time, had a very difficult time grasping the relationship that exists between cause and effect. He couldn't seem to understand that his actions created the results that kept crashing down on him. Here's how he explained it: "Bad things just happen to me. I don't want those things to happen, therefore, I can't possibly be causing all these problems."

As part of our efforts to expose him to alternative ways of looking at things, I made this sign and posted it on the bulletin board at home where all of us would see it every day. It hung there for a couple of years, until we moved, and then I posted it near my desk in our new house. The last time we moved it was taken down again and was subsequently lost for a while in a box of miscellaneous papers. When it resurfaced last Spring I brought it to work and hung it on the bulletin board where I pass it every day.

The sign says, "The Pain of Regret is Always Greater Than the Pain of Discipline."

I'm getting pretty good at ignoring it because it haunts me whenever I stop to think about it and compare its message with the results that are happening in my life. You see, "Things keep happening to me that can't possibly be my fault, because I would never plan for those things to happen to me."

I can clearly remember one day when I was in high school . . . I pointed out a middle aged guy who looked like I do now and said to my best friend, " I am NEVER going to look like that guy! Not me man, I'd never let myself go like that."

I like to think of myself as an IN-CONTROL kinda guy who understands that I'm responsible for my actions . . . and I know I'll naturally inherit the results of my actions (or lack of action). But dang it, there's just no way I planned to look like the guy who keeps staring back at me from the mirror. In fact, I can clearly remember one day when I was in high school - I pointed out a middle aged guy who looked like I do now and said to my best friend, " I am NEVER going to look like that guy! Not me man, I'd never let myself go like that."

Today, I'm 33 pounds over the weight I'd like to be, and I'm not getting any closer to my goal weight as time goes by. It's not just my weight that's a problem, it's also what my weight is made of. A good portion of it used to be made of muscle . . . not so much anymore. I'm turning into the Pillsbury Doughboy Poster Child. Waaaah, Waaaah, Waaaaaaaaaah!

How did this happen to me??? Well, one of my daughters could easily answer that; one day when she was about 15, she listened when I was dispensing "fatherly wisdom" to all of our children. That day, I told them, "All of Life is a trade-off. Every choice you make brings you a reward or a punishment, and you always give up something else when you make a choice." From that moment on, "All of Life is a Trade-off" became her personal motto. She was just out of Jr. High when she first adopted her new motto and the next 12-13 years have witnessed what a positive impact that motto has had on her life. I'll spare you all the proud-papa bragging - just let me say, she's accomplished a lot and has bypassed most of the pitfalls that trip up many teenagers and young adults. I can't tell you how many times she's looked me in the eye (when I was whining about something) and said, "All of life's a trade-off Dad. What did you trade away in exchange for the choices that brought you this result?" You know, there are few things in life that are more humiliating than having someone politely remind you of your own sage advice - and when it's one of your own kids, it's twice as hard!

I read a quote the other day by Soren Kierkegaard , a Danish philosopher, who stated the same thing in a slightly different way more than 100 years ago. He said, "I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both." Every choice we make contains within it the seeds of pleasure and disappointment. Later on, we'll rejoice when we experience the positive results that came from the decision, but we'll also find ourselves identifying some other advantages that would have been ours if we had made a different choice. Thus, each decision leads to BOTH enjoyment and regrets. Wisdom comes when we learn to make choices that give us the most permanent rewards with the fewest regrets. (The son I mentioned earlier eventually got it and he's doing very well now.)

"All of Life is a trade-off. Every choice you make brings you a reward or a punishment, and you always give up something else when you make a choice." ~ Kenneth A. Miller

"I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
Twenty years ago, I heard someone (whose name I've forgotten), talking about people who are addicted to running. He said, "Sure, they're in great shape and they'll probably live 10 years longer than me, but what did they do with those 10 years? They spent them RUNNING." You could tell he didn't place much value on running just for the sake of running. For him, the trade-off wasn't worth the price.

Looking at myself in the mirror these days it's pretty easy to see the results of the trade-offs I've been making. "Just this once won't hurt" may have been true IF I had only eaten one bite of chocolate, or drank one soda, or ordered one dessert, or only refilled my plate once. But, that one choice led to others, and each one became harder to resist than the one before it, and after years of saying to myself, "Tomorrow I'll stop eating and start exercising" I find that tomorrow never came. Every morning I wake up and it's still TODAY.

So today I'm thinking that it must be time to pin my Discipline vs Regrets sign to my forehead, pull myself up by my bootstraps, "get some gumption" (as mom used to say) and Just Do It . . .

Well, actually . . . it's NOT time yet . . . it's the Holiday Season and I think I know myself well enough to know that my attempts to lose weight before January would soon go down in utter defeat. And my sense of self-worth would go down in flames with them. So, I've decided not to try to lose any weight during December. My goal for December is to MAINTAIN my weight and I'll spend these next two weeks getting myself mentally prepared to climb Back on Track starting in January.

"All of Life is a trade-off. Every choice you make brings you a reward or a punishment, and you always give up something else when you make a choice." ~ Kenneth A. Miller

I think that is my new motto..my new philosophy on life.