Family Dynamics

So my sister who is 1 year younger than me tells my youngest son that she "has to now go on a diet because your mother cannot get smaller than me.  Your mom has always been the fatter one."   So besides being the oldest (which has its own dynamics), I was also always the heaviest out of the 3 of us.  Who knew that being the fattest one had its "special" place in the family.  Is my losing weight going to change things for them?  Something else on plate to worry about?  I will not let her negative energy get me down.  I am doing this for me. I need to do this for me.  Losing weight is my journey.  I have to get going to work but I'd like to throw this topic out there to my fellow OHers for discussion.......  How has losing weight changed your family dynamics? Talk soon, Jessica

It sounds like this is your sister's issue and not at all yours. You get to decide who you want to be to yourself and everyone else in your life. I found that this surgery has helped clarify that issue to the MAX for me.

I am in the process of separating from a 16 year marriage based on the fact that I no longer want to be my husband's security blanket. It is his job to deal with the challenges that his life presents. Not mine. I have my own challenges. While family is there to support each other through life, it is each person's responsibility to deal with their own demons.

Good question!

Amy

I come from a family of fit people.  My mother is only 5'2 and has  never weighed more than 135 lbs in her life.  My father is 6'2 and very fit.  My brother's never been overweight.  I have one aunt on my mother's side that is larger than me, but other than that I was by far the only fattie in the family.  I've always felt that my family has either pitied me or looked down on me for being fat.  It will be very, very interesting to see how I feel around them, and if they treat me any differently when I am smaller.   I have one daughter who is built more like me.  At 13 years old she's already 5' 6" tall and weighs around 140 lbs.  She's very active and muscular, runs cross country, plays basketball, and runs track.  As I'm losing weight it's becoming obvious that in a year of so we could easily end up wearing the same size clothes.  I'm curious to see if this ends up being a negative thing for her.  Her whole life I've been obese, and it may make her feel weird if I end up her size....I don't know though because she's a very loving and understanding and supportive girl, she may just think it's wonderful and we'll have fun shopping together.   We'll see when we get there!  For me it's going to be friends more than family who are affected by my shrinking.  I've always been the biggest one in my circle of friends and I can already see that a couple of the larger women may not like it if they become the biggest.  It's not my issue...it's theirs. 

This is a great topic Jennifer. Thanks!

I too, have been the fat one in the family.

I don't see things changing in my relationship with my partner, so let's look at Mom. As Mom gets older (and unfortunately has heart disease and diabetes), she has gained weight (she's about 5' 3" and a size 14 now). She has always had issues with my weight, but at least she was always the thinner one. I think once I get thinner than her, it will change her perception of me and how I relate to her.

You know, the more I think about this, the more complex it's getting. Mom's thoughts on me and my sister will have to change. She always looked at me (5' 5" size 22) as the "strong one" and my sister (5' 2" size 8" as the "weak one". I wonder what she will think when I'm the same size as my sister?

OK, I'll stop now. I've rambled long enough.

I absolutely  love this topic, as  it's been  on my  mind for awhile now.  My sister  is 3 years younger than me and we've always been classified as the "pretty one"(her) and the "smart one"(me).  She is a self-proclaimed "hottie" and she thrives on attention from men; according to her, they all love her.  *lol*   She by no means is a tiny little thing but  she's always been smaller than me.  Right now she's probably a size 14/16.  It's a good possibility that I'll be able to get down to that or even possibly smaller than that, after my surgery.  I keep wondering how that will affect our relationship; will it cause her to feel a sense of competition with me(even more so  than already exists), will  it make her jealous, who knows what else...?  I haven't told her about the surgery yet and honestly, I'm really not sure when I'll get around to telling her.  Thanks for bringing up such an interesting topic, and  I'm looking forward to hearing everyone's replies. 

What a great topic!!! I come from a family of 5 children & I am the oldest. Nobody in my family is "tiny" but not all of us are morbidly obese... 2 of us are, 1 is probably considered obese by the medical standards & I am sure the other would be told to lose some weight but they don't really need too. At 5'4" I am also the shortest - hell, my brothers are at least a foot taller than me - so my weight defintely "looks" worse, if you know what I mean. I am just starting on this journey & I have found that my actions have motivated almost everyone in my family to do something to change their lifestyle if for nothing else than a show of solidarity for my major endeavor!!! Even my SIL who is fit & a nutritionist has started running & working out again - it's her husband, my brother, who is the only one not "giving up anything"!! I was amazed that everyone has jumped on the bandwagon to support me so I can't even imagne what it'll be like once I have the surgery & the weight really starts coming off!!! I have my suspicions of what some of the "issues" might be but I will hold off until they happen but for now I am taking my support & running with it!!!! I will take all I can get in whatever way they want to show it!!!

Wow, what a good and interesting thread! I have never felt that my place was as the fat one in my family.  I have always felt that I was one of the smart ones.  I never felt that I was condemned in any way or unloved because of my weight. Having said that, my sister is also obese.  She was the one who originally started the process and I got the idea from her.  She subsequently decided not to have the surgery or go through the pre-op requirements and I did the requisite hoop jumping instead. When we talk or see each other, which is not often as my sister tends to keep away from the family to some degree.  She has said to me that she is really proud of me, but jealous, too.  She had lost alot of weight a few years ago when she was first diagnosed with diabetes.  She has since gained some back.   I understand totally how she feels, tho, because in other settings, I didn't want to be the token fat person or the fattest person in the room and I've felt jealousy when someone has lost weight and gotten all the accolades, it made me feel (ironically) smaller and somewhat of a failure. I have been pretty lucky that my relationships have not changed due to my weight loss, they loved me when I was fat and now they just love less of me, but I think family dynamics in general are very interesting. Thanks for the topic, Sue And after thought, a former co-worker told me after I had the surgery that she would have to lose weight because she didn't want to be the fattest person in the office.  I said, gee, thanks and she said, I wasn't insulting you.  I'm, like, yeah, ya were.  But she's no longer here and I am so it really doesn't matter, lol.

This is an absolutely loaded topic regarding my late younger sis and me......still thinking on it and still very raw. Diane~~

I too have always been the "fattie" and was treated like the black sheep for it.  My brother could call me a "fat B!t@h and get away with it.  Both of my parents berated me for my size...I don't have any sisters, but was often compared to the neighbor girl (blue eyed, blonde and tall and thin) I want to be healthy for me, but every now and again the painful memories come back to haunt me and wonder if they helped to spur my decision.... All the best to you sweetheart!

so funny, a week before my surgery my brother in law told me my sister said the same exact thing... "Lisa is going to be thinner than me!" and i had a coworker do the same thing... "i better get on a treadmill, ur gonna be skinnier than me!!" wht was i................the token fat person???