Spouse support question

My husband is a gem, truly. He has always supported me, whatever I've done. But he's not too crazy about the idea of this surgery. He's not being ugly about it at all, just shakes his head and clams up, and is really working hard to tell me how beautiful I am, sexy and how much he loves me. I know, that should be a good thing, right? It's just that I can't convince him that as wonderful as those comments and support are, they can't erase a lifetime of self-loathing. I do not even lift my head when walking into a store because I do not want to see my reflection in the door. The two things that worry him are the fact that he lost his brother and nephew to post-surgery bloodclots, and the fact that my sister had WLS and has since bcome anorexic. I have tried to reassure him that the bloodclots occur in only 2% of patients, and that I am not my sister...but what're ya gonna do- these have hit too close to home for him to dismiss. Any words of wisdom at all sure would be appreciated.

Java Jane, I don't think that you can ever convince someone you love that taking this risk of surgery will benefit you. As much as they love you, all they see is the risk. My dear husband was scared for me as well. HOWEVer.....he also has seen my struggles with being obese and trying to "live". I supported me and still does in my decision. He must love you to be scared about the risks. All you can do is inform him, and let him come around. Best of luck to you Molly

JJ~ Hi! Friends, Family, Souses/Signifiant others will present us with their thoughts, ideas and opinions. Sounds as if your husband has some strong factors influencing his concern. Communication is key IMHO, trying to engage him in a frank and open dialogue about his concenrs, his fear, anxiety, anger, etc he may be feeling. Asking for what you need from him (he may not have to agree or like your decision but ask for his support regardless). I feel tryung to sway or prove why it is right for you ignores/invalidates his concerns. Instead having him id, recognize, share so you can truly appreciate the level of his emotions *afterall if he wasn't scared I think that would be strange!*, sometimes all people need is to be heard, validated and understood (I assume you do as well), prehaps seeing his view but also saying you see it a different way. Agreeing to disagree then coming to resolution perhaps. Counseling is not a bad idea as there are so many changes that can/do happen w/ WLS the open communication can assist lessening the challenges, b/c losing wt doesn't make anything better or happier in relationships, and can have opposite effect. I truly believe in education and kowledge being powerful. Bring/offer to have him come to lots of support groups, info seminars, surgeon apts so he can ask any questions. You are an individual I agree, the risk of blood clots is there, the risk of death is there, the risk of an eating disorder after WLS is there, switching addictions, all are potential issues. I truly think his love is coming out in fear right now, with more time, communication and education that love canbe redirected to support of you! Be well Email me offlist I will send you a fe handouts on this topic! [email protected] Take Care, Jamie 100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY 320(preop)/163 (lowest)/174 (current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery) Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/ "Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"