NEED SUPPORT OUT OF CONTROL
Hi Everyone.....I feel out of contol. I am back to my old eating habits....eating emotionally again. I had been filled 1.75....and was losing 2 pounds per week. However, it was way too tight.....I knew it but I just wanted to lose another 10 pounds....before I said anything. Well it turned out that I ended up with ulcerations from the band being too tight and forcing food down the pencil wide hole. Everything I ate caused a burning sensation.....but like the true food addict that I am.....I didn't say a word....well just another 10 pounds....well it got so bad that even drinking water made my esphogus burn that I went to the doctor and he started me on nexium and took all my fill out. Immediately I felt tons better....(no pun intented). He wants me to wait two weeks before he fills me again...to let everything settle down.
The support I need is that I am eating out of control....everything can go down just like preband days. I am also mad at myself because what am I two years old.....I can't control myself. I am out of control like an alcoholic. I feel sort of like I need detox.....man....can you believe it. I have done so much work on myself. I have bravely looked at and purged so many bad habits. But take the fill out of the band and my best intentions are out the window. What the hell is going on.? Do I need to rely upon saline solution to keep me on the straight and narrow? What about my strenght....and I so weak that I look to self sabatoge myself? What does that say about my charater?
What do you guys think....has anyone experienced anything like this. HELP.....
All my love.....SusanSusan
First of all ITS OK.....this is going to be a battle for the rest of our lives...We cannot do it alone...We do need constant support and and and WE ALL FALL OFF once in a while...What you need to do is get back up, dust yourself off and start again. Go back to basics. Call someone....write someone.....find a nutrionist or therapist..We have to remember that for us food is an addiction. We need help. And anyone who thinks they can do this alone is mistaken and bound to fail....So before going any farther find that support...
I know forme there have been many emotional eating days. However it is usually a day....if i mess up a day i try to get back on track the next day. I remain an emotional eater, i try to make sure i have good choices around in case i feel the need to eat and eat and eat however i dont always make the right choices.
THe worst thing you can do is beat yourself up. We all go through what you are describing. Email me if you need someone to talk to. I can always use people to talk to....Hang in there. You can do this and you will continue to do this. YOu will be ok..
LisaMarie
Dear LisaMarie,
I am so delighted to hear from you. I first want to say thank you for your feedback....I understand you had some surgery and yet you took time to write to me to give me support and encouragement. Wow, I am super impressed. Do I see a halo over your head....Yes, I think I do....
Today, is a new day. As you suggested I got up and dusted myself off.....hey watch out for my dust.....the best part about this journey is that I have found out I am not alone.
Thank you once again LisaMarie....your the best.....hugs Susan
Susan:
Hi! 
Glad you posted your challenges. It is the first step in many toward recovery I believe. OH YES HVE I EXPERIENCED THIS! (as a RNYer it happened at 7mo out and came back with a vengence yrs 3-4!)
I hear your wounded child cries, who is attempting to find happiness/peace/safety/control by using food as a way to soothe emotions such as: fear, loneliness, sadness, anger, shame, guilt, hurt. When this happens for me I look within myself asking what am I FEELING and why? I just know for myself the road of my destructive emotional eating as a dangerous and unhealthy/unfulfilling one that leads me further down a path of self-destruction/hate. Although I do not have the 'band', the bypass lessens in its support of my lifestyle by 6-7 months, leaving me a small window of opportunity to build my foundation for health. The choice now for me is to build on the foundation I laid all that time ago w/ habits, as well as reinforce it with healthy choices and positive self-talk. I decided I needed to stop hating my body and love it as it is today and know I am loveable at this moment....Happiness and success will NEVER EVER come from an external source (person, object, number on the scale). It can and will ONLY come from internal self-discovery and love. Listening to my BODY is key, my natural physical hunger, my body knows and will not let me down....When I take on the helpless victim personality and have overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, helpless and out of control I learned that I am trying to control an external thing (i.e. food) as a means to control my inner turmoil.. For me these feelings spill over into an addiction food (could be alcohol, drugs, sex etc for others). Either in a way that is restricting (counting calories, carbs, watching the scale daily) or permitting (like the overeating out of control binge eating you have described).
I am wrapping my brain around: 'DIETS NEVER WORK', they always lead to a binge....Over/under/controlled eating is a symptom of the internal out of control feelings we have...We want to be happy and healthy yet we can not if we continue to punish ourselves w/ food (by restricting or permitting)..We can move out of the victim role, and heal and thrive! It takes work to look within, feel our feelings, see how we are involved in areas of our lives that reinforce our victim personality, healing the inner child, seeing how that hurt has permeated our current lives/personality and relationships w/ food and others. Having the healthy adult in us allow balance and growth and protection for the hurt child, so we can be safe and not need to control our food or have those emotions spill over into an external control that will never fix the internal out of control feeling. Only working on the internal self-talk, emotions can do that. This is my current journey as years 3-4 for me have been quite different than years 1-3. So for me it is time to look at the deep inner child work I never have done, the emotional issues because it is my choice and I choose no longer to be a victim and I choose today to love me as I am. This is what a good therapist who understands WLS and eating disorders can help, as can reading, support groups, etc.
NOW I am not perfect, for me to see things in others is far easier for me than seeing it in myself. I am on a personal journey for wellness and I am only offering what is working for me, diets never worked because they were an external control that could never heal my internal self...I hope this makes sense and it not taken negatively. It is my way of letting u know what is working for ME and maybe it can reframe your thoughts and work for you!
Sometimes we consume our lives with food, thinking about what we can and can not have, when we can eat or should eat, how much, how often, how it should be cooked, when to buy it, how much, etc that we occupy so much time and do not even realize that we have no time left to feel (the point) in an addiction, it takes over us so we can forget us and what we are scared/fearful of feeling/being.
Think of today as just another NEEDED step in your million mile journey to health and long-term success; which WLS is one of the million as well *it is not the destination*! Which we mourn long after we have it! Those that have goals that are health focused and functionally focused do the best (vs. those that are scale or weight/number focused). I am such a firm believer in not allowing the scale (or hunkametal that it is) to rule or dictate ones life/thoughts/feelings any longer, I agree we want to lose wt but gaining our health and ability to function in life are far more important than any number the scale can read; otherwise if it never reads the number we think, others say, a chart suggests we fail and that is simply not true!!! Most of our lives we have set RIGID, UNREALISTIC WEIGHT LOSS GOALS for ourselves that are BOTH UNATTAINABLE and CHRONICALLY DISAPPOINTING and lead to DEVASTATION & the slippery slope of self-sabotage...Review the UNDERLYING lifestyle change such as exercise, food choices, self-awareness/monitoring, avoidance of emotional eating, adherence to living self responsibly in a CONSISTENT way that is the foundation to our long-term success. For me I keep telling myself daily that***THE GOAL SHOULD NEVER BE A NUMBER*** These choices are what makes WLS work long-term and not be another failed diet attempt (and believe me it is for MANY! So I use that fear to keep plugging along)...It is a wonderful tool to build the foundation and sadly one that has ways to be defeated/broken down as we all can discover (grazing etc). Consider writing all the 'supports' of diet/exercise/lifestyle changes, coping skills etc for non-emotional eating (i.e through individual therapy, support groups) you have worked on, now where do you need to add reinforcements? You now are seeing it can collapse and the WLS tool if not used properly/consistently can be defeated w/o the extra supporting structures...Like having only one wall of your basement in place before putting the house on top.. what happens? it can crumble w/ the weight of the house (your life/the worlds challenges), but if you have the 4 walls in place (food choices/planning/healthy and consistent choices, exercise, self awareness/monitoring, support); then the WLS tool can just reinforce that foundation and make the house stand strong for a long long time! 
Your tool will be back soon, but the tool to work on now may be the brain! For me it is anyways!
I have been taking some much VERY NEEDED time for myself and wellness. I have needed to take care of me and stop avoiding that as I have when I take care of everyone else! I am understanding and learning that loving ourselves is not selfish, that I need to feel loved inside so I have love to give others; if I continued not taking care of me and only having self hate and anger then that is all I would have to give others....We are all learning and growing, keep growing and learning with us here!
I have been using mediation, positive affirmations, reading, groups, individual work to work on my recovery, and accepting my imperfections!
Here are a few references for you if interested....
These are guidelines i am working on fitting into my life..not rules which are rigid, but guidelines which are flexible! I have 3X5 cards I tkake w/ me and place at different strategic spots such as fridge, computer to remind me!
EATING GUIDELINES
(*To avoid emotional or unconscious eating)
1. Eat when you are hungry
2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment *NOT THE CAR!
3. Eat w/o distractions, including radio, TV, newspapers, books, magazines, intense anxiety producing conversations or music.
4. Eat only what your body wants.
5. Eat until satisfied.
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.
© Geneen Roth
http://www.geneenroth.com/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Affirmations for Compulsive Eaters (Paperback)
by Susan Ward List Price: $7.95 ISBN: 1558740767 (*Avail on amazon and probably any bookstore!) I have used this yr after yr!
''It's Not about Food: Change Your Mind; Change Your Life; End Your Obsession with Food and Weight'' By: Carol Emery Normandi, Laurelee Roark $9.72 ISBN: 0399525025
''Life Is Hard, Food Is Easy : The 5-Step Plan to Overcome Emotional Eating and Lose Weight on Any Diet'' By: Linda Spangle $9.72 ISBN: 0895260573
''Choices: Taking Control of Your Life and Making It Matter'' (Paperback)
by Melody Beattie $10.17 ISBN: 0060507225
''The Language of Letting Go'' (Hazelden Meditation Series) (Paperback)
by Melody Beattie "This is a book of meditations..." ISBN: 0894866370 $11.53
''Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself'' (Paperback) by Melody Beattie ISBN: 0894864025 $10.85
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.centerforholisticoptions.com/products.htm
I bought the Stress management, Body Image and self esteem CDs all are short and can be done even during lunch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elaine Simione has 2 great CD's that are self hypnosis for emotional eating 2/$25
CD1 Track 1 Affirmations, Hunger Level & Stomach awareness, Track 2 Being present in your body, your physical routine: CD 2 Track 1 The emotional aspects of eating, medicating the inner childs emotions, track 2 your story and the underlying feelings, embracing your feelins.
http://holisticcounselingcenter.com/trimlife.html also has classes on this in Saratoga area that integrates these CD's. Next on in January. [email protected] or (518) 587-1087 She does other group and individual work as well (she does not accept insurance though just FYI).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Breaking Free from the Victim Trap $9.95
https://store.wellness-institute.org/Details.cfm?ProdID=36&category=6
An easy-to-read book on Healing Codependency by Diane Zimberoff, newly revised in 2004. (Softcover)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Consider CODA meetings *if this is an issues for you* www.coda.org for a meeting near you, of OA www.OA.org both can be great supports and are free for your recovery journey! Or if spiritual many larger churches may have groups, such as in my area the Pine Knolls church http://pineknolls.net/support_groups.htm has great suport groups (Codependant, depression/anxiety, womens, wt loss, etc)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND I am journaling almost daily my EMOTIONS...I guess my point is we al need a toolbox, and our successmay be based on how many tools we have! Not any one thing works for recovery (the band, the RNY) therapy, support groups, meditation, journaling, exercise etc it is a combo of any one/all that assists and eases the journey I guess! Or at least that is HOW I SEE it! Be well.
YOU most certainly are not alone!!! Consider teh definition below for addiction and how it may fot you *looking at the price you were willing to pay for a number on the scale (erosion of band and possible severe complications such as perforation of stomach etc* Conisder seeing the food addiction is getting a strong grip on you...,I know it is what i needed to read in black and white to help me make differnt choices...
http://www.hms.harvard.edu/doa/html/whatisaddiction.htm
One simple model for understanding addiction is to apply the three Cs:
·Behavior that is motivated by emotions ranging along the Craving to Compulsion spectrum
·Continued use in spite of adverse consequences
·Loss of Control.
Feel free to write me offlist if you have any other ??!
Take Care,
Jamie 
100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY
320(preop)/163 (lowest)/174 (current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery)
Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"
Glad you posted your challenges. It is the first step in many toward recovery I believe. OH YES HVE I EXPERIENCED THIS! (as a RNYer it happened at 7mo out and came back with a vengence yrs 3-4!)
I hear your wounded child cries, who is attempting to find happiness/peace/safety/control by using food as a way to soothe emotions such as: fear, loneliness, sadness, anger, shame, guilt, hurt. When this happens for me I look within myself asking what am I FEELING and why? I just know for myself the road of my destructive emotional eating as a dangerous and unhealthy/unfulfilling one that leads me further down a path of self-destruction/hate. Although I do not have the 'band', the bypass lessens in its support of my lifestyle by 6-7 months, leaving me a small window of opportunity to build my foundation for health. The choice now for me is to build on the foundation I laid all that time ago w/ habits, as well as reinforce it with healthy choices and positive self-talk. I decided I needed to stop hating my body and love it as it is today and know I am loveable at this moment....Happiness and success will NEVER EVER come from an external source (person, object, number on the scale). It can and will ONLY come from internal self-discovery and love. Listening to my BODY is key, my natural physical hunger, my body knows and will not let me down....When I take on the helpless victim personality and have overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, helpless and out of control I learned that I am trying to control an external thing (i.e. food) as a means to control my inner turmoil.. For me these feelings spill over into an addiction food (could be alcohol, drugs, sex etc for others). Either in a way that is restricting (counting calories, carbs, watching the scale daily) or permitting (like the overeating out of control binge eating you have described).
I am wrapping my brain around: 'DIETS NEVER WORK', they always lead to a binge....Over/under/controlled eating is a symptom of the internal out of control feelings we have...We want to be happy and healthy yet we can not if we continue to punish ourselves w/ food (by restricting or permitting)..We can move out of the victim role, and heal and thrive! It takes work to look within, feel our feelings, see how we are involved in areas of our lives that reinforce our victim personality, healing the inner child, seeing how that hurt has permeated our current lives/personality and relationships w/ food and others. Having the healthy adult in us allow balance and growth and protection for the hurt child, so we can be safe and not need to control our food or have those emotions spill over into an external control that will never fix the internal out of control feeling. Only working on the internal self-talk, emotions can do that. This is my current journey as years 3-4 for me have been quite different than years 1-3. So for me it is time to look at the deep inner child work I never have done, the emotional issues because it is my choice and I choose no longer to be a victim and I choose today to love me as I am. This is what a good therapist who understands WLS and eating disorders can help, as can reading, support groups, etc.
NOW I am not perfect, for me to see things in others is far easier for me than seeing it in myself. I am on a personal journey for wellness and I am only offering what is working for me, diets never worked because they were an external control that could never heal my internal self...I hope this makes sense and it not taken negatively. It is my way of letting u know what is working for ME and maybe it can reframe your thoughts and work for you!
Sometimes we consume our lives with food, thinking about what we can and can not have, when we can eat or should eat, how much, how often, how it should be cooked, when to buy it, how much, etc that we occupy so much time and do not even realize that we have no time left to feel (the point) in an addiction, it takes over us so we can forget us and what we are scared/fearful of feeling/being.
Think of today as just another NEEDED step in your million mile journey to health and long-term success; which WLS is one of the million as well *it is not the destination*! Which we mourn long after we have it! Those that have goals that are health focused and functionally focused do the best (vs. those that are scale or weight/number focused). I am such a firm believer in not allowing the scale (or hunkametal that it is) to rule or dictate ones life/thoughts/feelings any longer, I agree we want to lose wt but gaining our health and ability to function in life are far more important than any number the scale can read; otherwise if it never reads the number we think, others say, a chart suggests we fail and that is simply not true!!! Most of our lives we have set RIGID, UNREALISTIC WEIGHT LOSS GOALS for ourselves that are BOTH UNATTAINABLE and CHRONICALLY DISAPPOINTING and lead to DEVASTATION & the slippery slope of self-sabotage...Review the UNDERLYING lifestyle change such as exercise, food choices, self-awareness/monitoring, avoidance of emotional eating, adherence to living self responsibly in a CONSISTENT way that is the foundation to our long-term success. For me I keep telling myself daily that***THE GOAL SHOULD NEVER BE A NUMBER*** These choices are what makes WLS work long-term and not be another failed diet attempt (and believe me it is for MANY! So I use that fear to keep plugging along)...It is a wonderful tool to build the foundation and sadly one that has ways to be defeated/broken down as we all can discover (grazing etc). Consider writing all the 'supports' of diet/exercise/lifestyle changes, coping skills etc for non-emotional eating (i.e through individual therapy, support groups) you have worked on, now where do you need to add reinforcements? You now are seeing it can collapse and the WLS tool if not used properly/consistently can be defeated w/o the extra supporting structures...Like having only one wall of your basement in place before putting the house on top.. what happens? it can crumble w/ the weight of the house (your life/the worlds challenges), but if you have the 4 walls in place (food choices/planning/healthy and consistent choices, exercise, self awareness/monitoring, support); then the WLS tool can just reinforce that foundation and make the house stand strong for a long long time! Your tool will be back soon, but the tool to work on now may be the brain! For me it is anyways!
I have been taking some much VERY NEEDED time for myself and wellness. I have needed to take care of me and stop avoiding that as I have when I take care of everyone else! I am understanding and learning that loving ourselves is not selfish, that I need to feel loved inside so I have love to give others; if I continued not taking care of me and only having self hate and anger then that is all I would have to give others....We are all learning and growing, keep growing and learning with us here!
I have been using mediation, positive affirmations, reading, groups, individual work to work on my recovery, and accepting my imperfections!
Here are a few references for you if interested....
These are guidelines i am working on fitting into my life..not rules which are rigid, but guidelines which are flexible! I have 3X5 cards I tkake w/ me and place at different strategic spots such as fridge, computer to remind me!
EATING GUIDELINES
(*To avoid emotional or unconscious eating)
1. Eat when you are hungry
2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment *NOT THE CAR!
3. Eat w/o distractions, including radio, TV, newspapers, books, magazines, intense anxiety producing conversations or music.
4. Eat only what your body wants.
5. Eat until satisfied.
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.
© Geneen Roth
http://www.geneenroth.com/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Affirmations for Compulsive Eaters (Paperback)
by Susan Ward List Price: $7.95 ISBN: 1558740767 (*Avail on amazon and probably any bookstore!) I have used this yr after yr!
''It's Not about Food: Change Your Mind; Change Your Life; End Your Obsession with Food and Weight'' By: Carol Emery Normandi, Laurelee Roark $9.72 ISBN: 0399525025
''Life Is Hard, Food Is Easy : The 5-Step Plan to Overcome Emotional Eating and Lose Weight on Any Diet'' By: Linda Spangle $9.72 ISBN: 0895260573
''Choices: Taking Control of Your Life and Making It Matter'' (Paperback)
by Melody Beattie $10.17 ISBN: 0060507225
''The Language of Letting Go'' (Hazelden Meditation Series) (Paperback)
by Melody Beattie "This is a book of meditations..." ISBN: 0894866370 $11.53
''Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself'' (Paperback) by Melody Beattie ISBN: 0894864025 $10.85
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.centerforholisticoptions.com/products.htm
I bought the Stress management, Body Image and self esteem CDs all are short and can be done even during lunch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elaine Simione has 2 great CD's that are self hypnosis for emotional eating 2/$25
CD1 Track 1 Affirmations, Hunger Level & Stomach awareness, Track 2 Being present in your body, your physical routine: CD 2 Track 1 The emotional aspects of eating, medicating the inner childs emotions, track 2 your story and the underlying feelings, embracing your feelins.
http://holisticcounselingcenter.com/trimlife.html also has classes on this in Saratoga area that integrates these CD's. Next on in January. [email protected] or (518) 587-1087 She does other group and individual work as well (she does not accept insurance though just FYI).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Breaking Free from the Victim Trap $9.95
https://store.wellness-institute.org/Details.cfm?ProdID=36&category=6
An easy-to-read book on Healing Codependency by Diane Zimberoff, newly revised in 2004. (Softcover)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Consider CODA meetings *if this is an issues for you* www.coda.org for a meeting near you, of OA www.OA.org both can be great supports and are free for your recovery journey! Or if spiritual many larger churches may have groups, such as in my area the Pine Knolls church http://pineknolls.net/support_groups.htm has great suport groups (Codependant, depression/anxiety, womens, wt loss, etc)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND I am journaling almost daily my EMOTIONS...I guess my point is we al need a toolbox, and our successmay be based on how many tools we have! Not any one thing works for recovery (the band, the RNY) therapy, support groups, meditation, journaling, exercise etc it is a combo of any one/all that assists and eases the journey I guess! Or at least that is HOW I SEE it! Be well.
YOU most certainly are not alone!!! Consider teh definition below for addiction and how it may fot you *looking at the price you were willing to pay for a number on the scale (erosion of band and possible severe complications such as perforation of stomach etc* Conisder seeing the food addiction is getting a strong grip on you...,I know it is what i needed to read in black and white to help me make differnt choices...
http://www.hms.harvard.edu/doa/html/whatisaddiction.htm
One simple model for understanding addiction is to apply the three Cs:
·Behavior that is motivated by emotions ranging along the Craving to Compulsion spectrum
·Continued use in spite of adverse consequences
·Loss of Control.
Feel free to write me offlist if you have any other ??!
Take Care,
Jamie
100cm proximal Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh Albany, NY
320(preop)/163 (lowest)/174 (current) 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery)
Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King www.albanyplasticsurgeons.com
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/jamiecatlady5/
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!" Dear Dear Jamie,
I am speechless and with tears in my eyes writing to you. I prayed when writing my post for help. Your answers to me where beyond my wildess expectations. I want to thank you for your support and encouragement for all the sites you provided. I know that God was directing you when you wrote back to me and I want you to know that I am forever grateful.
During my 7 months as being banded you have given me hope and strength through this web site. YOu are an angel for WLS people.....may your desires, hopes and dreams be realized.
Thank you a million times over.....hugs Susan
Hi Susan I am on this journey, just starting with the Lapabnd...have my first appoitment. I just wanted to give and send (((HUGS))) You are so good to come and ask for help! What a first huge big step!
I have my first appointment on January 5th. I am so excited nad have no clue as to what to expect. I can use some advice and support!
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